“No silence between us,” she says, wiping tears with her phone-free hand as the other grips our connection tight with strained fingers. This is different. I will call her when I can, and I will write her letters every single week. I will not put silence between us.
“You know I don’t forget anything when it comes to us, Shay.”
“Then you know how badly it hurt me to not hear from you.” She shakes her head slowly back and forth, and I sense she already knows what I’m going to tell her.
“Shay?” I sigh into the phone. “I need you to listen to me right now.”
I WON’T EVER PUT SILENCE BETWEEN US
“YOU PROMISED ME YOU would never put silence between us again.”
“And I won’t ever put silence between us again,” he whispers steadily.
“But?” My eyebrows draw together, and my head falls to my shoulder.
“But what?” He closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his swollen and bruised nose.
I start to shake when he opens his pale blue eyes, and for the very first time he cries in front of me.
I WANT TO BREAK THROUGH GLASS
I START TO CRY. “I love you so much, but I can’t let you come here anymore.” Wide eyes and a hard bite to her lip again have me ready to break through this fucking glass. “Listen to me, pretty girl. That guy I had the altercation with…his girlfriend is the one that always stares at you.”
“So?”
“I won’t put you in a bad situation,” I say firmly, quickly wiping at my fucking weakness in front of my girl. She doesn’t need to see me like this. She turns her head away from me, then quickly brings her eyes back to mine. She’s determined. “I can take care of myself.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“I said no, Shay.”
“You are being completely unreasonable.”
“I’m protecting you.”
“I don’t need you to protect me. I need you to wrap your arms around me every week and help me get through this. We are supposed to get through this together.”
“We will. Through letters and phone calls every chance I get. I won’t break that promise. We will not have silence between us.”
“I need to see you!”
“I need to see you, too, Shay, but I can’t worry about some girl following you to your car after a visit, or even worse, following you home, especially now that you live at the condo by yourself. I won’t risk it.”
“She’s just a mean girl. I’ve dealt with mean girls my entire life.”
“No, baby. This isn’t a country club girl that hates the fact that you’re prettier than her. This is a girl from the streets with gang-affiliated tattoos stamped all over her neck. A girl that has a boyfriend in here that I just got into a fight with, that I’m going to have to watch closely. Look at how you’re looking at me right now.”
“I’m upset, Jace. You look in pain. Your face looks so bad. I promise, I will put on my big girl panties.”
“I don’t want you to have to put on big girl panties. I want you to be my perfect girl with all your amazing qualities that I love.”
“Okay, and some of those qualities are taking care of my boy, and next week when I come back and your face is healed, everything will blow over,” she says, finding her positive voice.
“Shay.” I look down when I say her name.
IT’S NOT THE SAME
“JACE.”
“I love you with all my heart and my entire soul.” He pauses. “But, I’m taking you off my visitors’ list,” he says, breaking my heart.
“No, you’re not,” I demand.
“This isn’t like when I wouldn’t let you come to my house when we were kids.”
“It’s exactly like that,” I say in anger.
“You know where I am.”
“And you’re going to deny me from seeing you?”
“It’s not the same,” he cries.
“No,” I say harshly. He puts his hand on the glass while I sit with my free hand fisted in anger.
“Put your hand on the glass so I can feel you.”
“You can’t feel me.” I reach up and run my hand on the cold glass. “You can’t feel me, Jace, but next week you can!” I yell into the phone. The guard walks by and says something to him. His eyes never leave mine.
I’VE NEVER RAISED MY VOICE
MY EYES DON’T LEAVE Shay’s as “time’s up,” breezes by me.
“Keep your hand on the glass, Shay, please.”
“I’ll be back next week,” she softly whispers.
I look at our hands. Her small against my large, and I see her all those years ago when she placed that hand in mine the very first time at the zoo. So fucking perfect. We were meant to hold each other’s hands. I press the glass, hard.
“I can’t wait to have your pretty hand back in mine. Every time feels like the first time. Do you know that? Everything about us is perfect, and I want you to remember that while we’re apart.”
“We can hold hands next week when I come to see you,” she says.
“I promise the second I’m released, my hand will be in yours, and we will go straight home to the place we are going to start building our life together.”
“I want to build that life right now.”
“I can’t build it behind these walls.”
She takes her hand off the glass, harshly wiping a fallen teardrop. “Don’t do this to me, Jace. Please… You promised me.”
I shake my head as my hand slides down the glass. The sadness in her voice is gutting me. “I know what I promised you. I will call you whenever I can, and I will send you all kinds of sweet words in pink hearts.”
“I want to see you, Jace!”
“Not like this, pretty girl.”
“Please, don’t do this to us. These moments with you are what I look forward to. Don’t take them away from us.”
“I can’t worry about something happening to you. I would never survive it.” I break down without warning, and a cry escapes me. “Shay, understand I’m doing what’s best right now.”
“Don’t do this to us,” she repeats, hanging up the phone.
My voice cracks, and with the guard standing impatiently, I yell into the thick glass, “Pick up the phone, Shay!”
“No!” She’s angry. I panic. She picks it back up.
“I need to hear the words. I need to see your face when you say it.”
“You will next week.”
“Please,” I beg. Her hand shakes against her cheek. “I just need to hear you tell me. Do you love me, baby?” I whisper, watching as she swallows slowly, seeing nothing but absolute devastation in her eyes. “Don’t lose faith in me. I promise you…”
“I love you more than anything,” she says.
I nod when the guard tells me to get up. I stare at my heartbroken girl and tell her, “The second I’m released, we are walking out of here hand-in-hand, together. I promise you that.”
She shakes her head slowly. “I love you, Jace. I’ll see you next week,” she says, hanging up the phone and getting off the chair. I let out a cry, stand up, and watch the girl I love mouth the words, “You promised no silence.” Then, she turns and walks away. I stare at her long, soft, wavy hair, then she turns her head over her shoulder, allowing me to see her pretty face one more time. I gaze long and hard into the eyes of my only love.
“I love you!” I yell as she turns to leave. At the same moment, I get pulled away from the glass. We walk out, and the door closes. “Can I have a second?” I ask the guard. He nods, not caring what a pussy I look like. I clean my face from my complete heartache and let out a deep sigh. “Okay, I’m ready,” I tell him, earning another nod as we begin walking back to my cell. Once inside, I sit at the end of my cot and replay regret over and over again.
There are five senses—sound, sight, touch, smell, and taste. I am only granted two right now, sight and sound. The way Shay looked at me, and the tone in her voice, I almost wish I couldn�
�t see her pretty face or hear her sweet voice. I think I would have chosen touch and smell so I wasn’t haunted from her obvious disappointment. Her actions in that room are seriously going to fuck with me.
I’VE NEVER BEEN MAD AT MY BOY
I’M ANGRY! IN ALL the years we’ve been together, I’ve never once been angry with Jace. I slam my door and throw my little purse onto the floor. “Why do you always have to treat me like I’m some fragile doll that can’t handle things?” I mumble to myself. I kick off my Converse and pace my living room floor. “He still has over a year left to serve. I don’t want to wait a year to hold him again. He’s being completely unreasonable!”
My cell phone rings in my purse. I pick it up with a loud huff and see Mom on the screen. She always wants to talk after I get back from my visits with Jace. She worries about him like he’s her own son. I love that about my parents, so loving and kind-hearted, but right now, I don’t want twenty freakin’ questions.
I set my phone on the couch and walk over to the table, picking up the small, framed picture of Jace and me from my prom. He looks so handsome and strong, and I hate the vision in my head right now of him beaten and broken. Aching hands from gripping tightly to a dirty phone, tired, tear-filled eyes from pleading into the thick glass have me walking into a stark white kitchen, reaching for dark-red liquid to consume. Intoxication is not the solution, but right now, I’m consumed by a loneliness that no one can fill, and I just want to numb myself from black eyes and broken lips. I take the first bottle of red wine staring at me from my parents’ wine closet and grab a bottle opener. After ten minutes of trying to figure out how to get the damn cork off, flustered and annoyed and hurt beyond words, I bring it to my lips and drink straight from the bottle. A long drink and a burning throat lead to a deep sigh, leaving me with wet, wine-filled lips. Marshmallows and sweet kisses while sitting next to a crackling fire have me bringing the bottle back to my lips for another strong pull.
“How can perfect moments turn into nightmares so quickly?” I lean against a beautiful countertop and picture cold concrete and metal bars. “We were so freakin’ perfect.” My phone rings again, and I take another drink, wiping my mouth as wine dribbles down my bottom lip. “He would never deny me.”
I walk to every room and shut the curtains. I don’t want to see the sunshine pour through the windows. Promises of a bright day left my life the night Jace walked away from me and got tossed into a cop car. “I try. I try so hard to be positive in this nightmare we are living. The only time I feel any life in me is when I go to see him, and he’s going to take that away from me.” I head back to the living room and take another drink from the bottle. It makes me gag, and guilt consumes me by putting it down my throat. Jace doesn’t like alcohol, and now more than ever I can understand why after meeting Grace and seeing how badly she’s affected by consumption. I head over to the door and turn the deadbolt, because even through madness I hear his voice telling me to lock the damn door. I walk back through a darkened room while listening to a phone continuously ring. I swipe silent and sit and stare at the wall.
Drink…drink…drink.
Silence is all around me, filling me with a hollow existence. No matter how still I am, all I hear is my soul screaming for Jace.
MY SOUL IS DESPERATE FOR HER
MY HEART AND SOUL is pulling me down into a silent torture of regret from a moment that consumed me to the point of life-changing consequences, leaving the love of my life to deal with hardships she should never endure. I’ve broken her spirit, filled her with tears, taken away the one thing she longs for, and the only thing that keeps me sane within these walls. I know she doesn’t think she needs it, and she thinks I’ve put unnecessary restrictions on her with my protective ways, but I can’t ever change that part of me. I will always protect what’s mine, and Shay is mine to protect, always.
I pace the cold concrete and watch the dim lighting flicker through the darkened walls. I lie uneasy, staring at nothing with everything about her running through my mind. I don’t want to do this to us, but I don’t know what I’m dealing with now that I’ve been told to watch my back. I can’t tell Shay those things. She doesn’t need to know my struggles; she just needs to trust my love and devotion and understand that everything I will ever do for us will be with good intentions. I just hope she’s finding understanding in the place she’s making us a home.
RED-STAINED LIPS REPLACE BLACK EYE THOUGHTS
UNDERSTANDING SWIRLS IN drunkenness, but bitterness grips the bottle tight. I’m falling into fluffy pillows and tipping a bottle on crème cushions while heavy lidded eyes no longer have the strength to stay open. I’m drunk and cried out, completely unable to envision love broken and bruised between glass to consume me a moment more. I fall asleep, or maybe I pass out. Either way, I don’t resurface to face reality until I hear pounding on the door.
Knock, knock, knock.
“Hello, who’s here?” I ask groggily.
“Open the door, Shay,” Beau says frantically.
What the heck is he so bent out of shape about?
I sit up and grab the bottle between my legs. “Oh God, did I spill red wine on this white couch?” I raise my eyebrows when I realize it’s pretty much gone. I set the bottle onto the table and rub my forehead. Why does my brother have to show up when I’ve been drinking?
Knock, knock, knock.
“Hang on,” I say, trying to pinch some color into my cheeks.
“Why the hell haven’t you answered any of Mom’s calls?” he asks as soon as I open the door.
“Relax, Beau. I’ve been sleeping.”
“She’s been calling you since yesterday afternoon, Shay.”
“What the hell is wrong with you?” He quiets his tone as he walks into the condo. He looks around, and then brings his matching eyes back to me. “You couldn’t have returned a damn phone call?”
“I didn’t feel like talking to anybody.”
“It’s Mom, Shay. You know better than to leave her calls unanswered. What’s going on with you?”
“I’m just tired.”
“Is something wrong?”
“No.”
“Then why do you look like you’ve been crying nonstop, and like you haven’t gotten out of bed except to answer the door?” He walks closer to me and looks over my shoulder, seeing my reason for seclusion. “Have you been drinking?”
“Maybe a little.”
“Why?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Is something wrong with Jace? Have you seen him?” he asks. I take the ponytail holder from around my wrist. “I asked if everything is okay with Jace. Mom said you went to visit him yesterday, and you missed a call from him at the house this morning. You never miss a call.”
I feel bad I missed his call, but I’m angry and confused. I bring my eyes back to his, take the holder, and pull my hair up into a high ponytail. “Yes, I saw Jace,” I say, sitting on the couch and draping my blanket over me. Beau looks at it.
“God, Shay, you guys look so young in that picture.” He points to a picture as he sits down next to me.
“I know. It was when we went with the community center on a field trip.”
He nods his head. “How’s he doing?” I shake my head and hold back tears. “I mean, that’s obviously a stupid question,” he says, taking his baseball hat off and running his fingers through his dark, wavy hair. I bite my lip not wanting to tell him the truth. I know Jace, and he wouldn’t want my family knowing he was in a fight.
“He’s in prison, Beau. He’s not doing great.”
He lets out a big sigh and rubs his jaw. “And neither are you. Is this what you’re going to do while living here by yourself?”
“Do what?”
“Don’t act dumb. Do you make a habit out of drinking by yourself?”
“No, I don’t. This is the first time I’ve ever done that.”
“Do you need a hug from your handsome brother?” he asks.
“Don’t hug him, Shay. You might get cooties,” Jules says, walking through the front door. “Why haven’t you answered my calls?” She sits on the plush chair next to the couch I’m sitting on with Beau. He looks at her as I curl up next to his side.
“I hope you aren’t the bad influence,” he tells her.
“What do you mean ‘the bad influence’?” He tilts his head to the wine bottle on the table. “I just got off the plane from San Francisco, so she hasn’t been drinking with me.” Then she twists her lip. “I’ve been too busy being wined and dined by a very hot model.” I look up as Beau scrunches up his nose, and his chiseled jaw goes taut.
“Poor guy. He has no idea what he’s getting into spending time with you.”
“Trust me. He is not complaining about his very precious time with me, Beau.” She flips her hair and looks at me. Her eyes soften. “Why are you drinking, Shay?”
“I just felt like it.”
“You can leave, Beau. Shay needs her best friend. Red wine-stained lips is kind of girl stuff, and you won’t understand.” She tilts her head and rolls her eyes.
He pulls me tighter and whispers into my ear, “You want me to leave you with the monster?” I just nod my head against his chest. “Okay. I’m leaving, but don’t do that to Mom again. You know how she is.”
I pull out of his embrace and look up at him and kiss his scruffy cheek. “Why all the scruff?”
“I’ve had a break in filming for a few days, and I don’t feel like shaving.”
“It makes you look more like Dad.” I sit back.
“Yeah, I was over there earlier, and Mom said the same thing.” He sighs. “You know if you need to talk, I’m always here for you.”
“I know. It’s just nothing can help. I just need Jace to come home.”
Questionable Love (A Love Beyond Labels #2) Page 9
