Leeann was quiet, then finally said, “I’m coming up for lunch. I’ll be there in three hours.”
Carly rolled onto her back. “You don’t have to do that.”
“Yes, I do.”
“Really, Leeann, I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine. And I miss you. Let me bring you something from the city. How about soup and a bread bowl from Boudin?”
Carly’s stomach growled at the thought of sourdough. “Okay, you talked me into it.”
“I love you, honey. Everything’ll be okay.”
“Thank you. I love you, too.” Carly hung up the phone and sighed. She really had it bad if she was willing to call Leeann and admit she was in trouble.
Loving Ray McKenna was stupid. Unfortunately her heart wasn’t listening to her head. No matter how hard she tried to shove down the feelings Ray stirred, they wouldn’t disappear.
She clicked the phone on and dialed Ray’s cell number. They didn’t have explicit plans for the afternoon, but they had been spending their weekends together almost by default. Maybe it was good for Leeann to come for a visit. Having Ray as her sole social outlet really wasn’t healthy, given her conflicted feelings. When Ray didn’t answer, Carly left a short voice mail letting her know that Leeann was coming over and she wouldn’t be available. Hanging up, she felt a pang of disappointment.
“Pathetic,” Carly groaned, then forced herself out of bed.
Three hours later, a hot shower and two cups of coffee had Carly feeling slightly more upbeat. She was running Jack through the agility course in the backyard when Leeann strolled through the side gate carrying a plastic bag, causing Jack to bolt away from the A-frame and over to greet her.
“Careful, puppy dog,” Leeann said, lifting the bag of food high into the air as Jack sniffed eagerly. “I didn’t bring enough to share.”
Carly stepped in and pointed for Jack to back off, which he did with a doggy grin. “Hey, Leeann.” Taking the bag from Leeann, she wrapped her in a one-armed hug. “It’s really good to see you.”
“You, too.” Leeann stepped back and looked Carly up and down. “I was expecting red eyes, puffiness, something. Even suffering from unrequited love, you look great.”
“Charming as always.” Carly tweaked Leeann’s elbow, but the compliment warmed her more than she expected, and she couldn’t suppress a smile.
“I try.”
Carly pulled out a chair for Leeann, then sat next to her. She watched as Leeann arranged their food on the table, touched by the gesture. “Thank you.”
“You’d do the same for me.”
Carly nodded, but Leeann would never let this happen to her. With her curly blond hair and lithe runner’s body, Leeann had no trouble attracting women. She also had no trouble keeping them at a distance. At times Carly thought she envied Leeann’s ability to keep things uncomplicated; then again, she wasn’t sure whether Leeann had ever been in love. That was a steep price to pay for simplicity.
“I’m an idiot.” Carly toyed with her plastic spoon, not meeting Leeann’s eyes. “You can say it.”
Leeann sighed. “I wish you could’ve fallen in love with someone else, but this is in no way idiotic.”
Smiling again, Carly said, “You’re a good friend. The best, actually.”
Leeann put down her spoon and took Carly’s hand. “I’ve wanted nothing more than for you to find someone. Or at least get interested. Even though this isn’t what I had in mind, it’s got to feel good to discover that you can fall in love again.”
The last time Carly had felt anything even close to this sweet agony was with Nadia. For five years now she’d believed that her capacity for such deep feeling had been buried along with her partner. So in a way, this was a good thing. At least her heart hadn’t been shattered beyond repair. Yet.
“It’s nice to know it’s possible, I guess.” Carly took a bite of bread, and Leeann also ate quietly, letting her think. Carly sighed, then said, “What if I don’t want to fall in love with someone who can love me back? Even though a part of me wants that connection so badly, another part is scared to death to ever feel that much again.”
“Subconsciously you’re falling in love with someone unattainable so you won’t have to actually move on?” Leeann nodded. “It makes sense.”
Carly paused mid-bite. “Clearly you’ve given this theory some thought.”
“A little.”
“I worry that’s what I’m doing, but on the other hand…how could I not fall in love with Ray? She’s gorgeous, she’s brave, she makes me laugh. I feel good when I’m with her.”
Concern shone in Leeann’s eyes. “I’m sure she’s a wonderful person. A wonderful straight person with a whole lot of baggage. She could be the most incredible woman in the world and I’d still tell you she’s a bad prospect.”
“I know.” Carly set down her spoon. Having her heart broken once was more than enough, so why was she setting herself up for more? Losing Nadia had left her devastated, and she had only recently started putting her pieces back together. “I still miss her so much, Lee.”
“I know you do, honey.” Leeann put down her own spoon and stood. Taking Carly’s hand, she said, “Let’s go swing.”
Carly let Leeann lead her to the porch swing. They sat close together at one end, and Carly was grateful for the warmth of Leeann’s body. It felt good to be with someone who made her so comfortable, and who knew her so well. Though nothing had been resolved as far as her feelings for Ray were concerned, Carly felt better already.
“Nadia would have wanted you to be happy,” Leeann said after a few moments of silent rocking. “You know that, right?”
“I know.”
Leeann chewed on her lip, clearly weighing whatever she was about to say in her head. “Do you want to be happy, Carly?”
Carly opened her mouth to insist that of course she did, then hesitated. What did that mean, anyway? She could be happy without putting herself out there again. And did she even deserve to find someone else when Nadia and their baby were in the ground?
“Everyone wants to be happy,” Carly said finally. “Right?”
“Not necessarily.” Leeann grabbed Carly’s hand and held it between her own, warming her fingers. “You and Nadia were amazing together, honey. You really were. But you’re exceptional. So many other women out there could be good for you.”
Maybe, but Carly could think only of Ray, who made her feel something special when they were together, even though their relationship was wholly platonic. Safe. Warm. Almost loved.
Carly closed her eyes and sat back, swept away by a deep, aching need to lose herself in another person. More than just the casual sex she had found in San Francisco clubs. She wanted to be with someone she loved, who loved her back. To experience something more than just the giving and taking of pleasure. Something real.
Leeann squeezed her hand, then wrapped an arm around her, pulling her close. She didn’t say anything, and Carly was glad; this wasn’t a moment that demanded words. It was enough that Leeann was here next to her, someone who had known her forever and who loved her unconditionally.
Carly opened her eyes and wrapped Leeann in a tight hug. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Lee. I really don’t.”
“I’ll always be here for you.” Leeann tucked a lock of hair behind Carly’s ear. “Don’t you worry about that.”
Carly pulled back, intending to give Leeann a silly smile to break the seriousness of the moment, but found herself pressing against Leeann’s body, tightening her embrace. As though by instinct Leeann’s hands came up and rested on Carly’s back, holding her close. Carly shivered at the pleasure of feminine curves against her own, triggering a flash of memory: the two of them making love all night in college, until they were so exhausted they both slept through a psychology exam the next morning.
“Carly?” Leeann asked quietly.
Carly gazed into Leeann’s eyes, seeing curiosity, then surprised herself by pressing her lips again
st Leeann’s.
Leeann kissed her back softly, stroking her hair with a trembling hand. Carly deepened the kiss and moved her hand to Leeann’s throat, savoring the softness of the skin beneath her fingertips. Placing her own hand on Carly’s upper chest, Leeann broke away and rested her forehead against Carly’s.
“We can’t do this,” Leeann whispered.
Blinking through the hurt Leeann’s refusal unleashed, Carly tried to retreat. Leeann covered the back of Carly’s neck with her other hand, keeping her close. Carly shut her eyes, embarrassed by her moment of weakness. “Rejected by Leeann Hanssen. I’m a member of a pretty small club now, aren’t I?”
Leeann stiffened. “That’s not fair,” she said, but she didn’t let Carly go.
Carly sighed and took her hand away from Leeann’s throat. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking.” That was a lie. She knew exactly what she’d been thinking. That she could take Leeann inside and they could make love, and maybe for a little while Carly would be able to forget Ray McKenna. Maybe she would even find some of what she had been craving, with the safest person she knew.
“Trust me,” Leeann said in a low voice. “Making love with you is definitely my idea of a pretty awesome Saturday. But you’re my friend, you’re hurting, and you don’t really want to do this.” Biting her lower lip, she said, “I don’t want to do this. You’re the one woman I have a real relationship with, and I never want to fuck that up. Especially over a little sex.”
Carly nodded. “I’m sorry.”
“No reason to be. You’re going through a lot right now. And I am pretty irresistible.”
Laughing, Carly sagged against Leeann, emotionally exhausted. “Don’t forget modest.”
“How could I? It’s another of my stellar qualities.” Leeann played with the fine hairs at the back of Carly’s neck. Growing serious, she said, “Are we okay?”
“We’re okay. Your heart is pounding.”
“That wasn’t easy for me. Stopping. I’m sure it was a character-building moment.”
Carly chuckled. “I’ll bet.” Sobering, she buried her face in Leeann’s neck. “I just need to be held.”
“I can do that.”
Leeann started them rocking again, and Carly relaxed, enjoying the intimacy.
Jack tore across the yard toward the gate and broke the tranquility. Carly looked to see what had spurred him into action, then gasped at the sight of Ray standing just inside the backyard with an odd look on her face. Jagger stood calmly at her side, allowing Jack to sniff him excitedly. Carly sat up straight, pulling away from Leeann a little too quickly. She knew she looked guilty, though she wasn’t sure why. Ray was just a friend, and Carly didn’t owe her any explanations.
“Ray.” Carly cringed at the way her voice trembled slightly. “Hey. I tried to call you earlier.”
Ray glanced at Leeann, then shifted her gaze just right of Carly’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
Carly stood abruptly, giving Leeann a quick backward glance. “You weren’t interrupting. We were just catching up. Ray, this is my good friend Leeann. Leeann, this is Ray.”
Leeann stood and crossed the yard, hand extended. “It’s nice to meet you, Ray. Carly’s told me so much about you.”
Ray looked at Carly briefly, then took Leeann’s hand for a quick shake. “It’s nice to meet you. I should go.”
“Why don’t you stay for dinner?” Carly knew Ray wouldn’t want to hang out with Leeann, but she needed to ask. Maybe if Leeann got to know Ray, she could tell Carly what to do. Plus, she was proud of Ray. She wanted to show her off.
“Thanks, but I should probably get back. I have some things I need to do today, so—”
Carly knew Ray was lying, otherwise she wouldn’t have dropped by in the first place, but she let it pass. “Okay, well…maybe we can see each other tomorrow?”
“Sure.” Ray barely looked at her. “You guys have a great dinner.”
“Thanks,” Leeann said. “It was lovely to meet you.”
“You too.” Ray turned and opened the back gate, tugging Jagger along with her, while Jack watched them go with mournful eyes. Carly knew exactly how he felt.
Once Ray’s car pulled away, Leeann turned to Carly with raised eyebrows. “You’re right, she’s hot.”
“Yes.”
“And very shy.”
Sighing, Carly said, “Yes.”
Leeann took her by the hand and led her to the swing, sitting them down again. “Let me set you up with this girl from work. She’s in IT. Totally cute, in a geeky way. She’s hilarious and a freakin’ genius. My computer crashed last week and she fixed it like magic.”
“I don’t know. I’m not sure I’m ready for a blind date.” In truth, she couldn’t imagine finding anyone as attractive as Ray. But that was a problem, wasn’t it?
“No expectations, okay? I just think you two would get along, and maybe it’ll help open your eyes to new possibilities. If nothing else, it’ll get you out of here for an evening.”
Carly covered her face with both hands. She tried to picture making it through dinner with a stranger while Ray ate alone. Right now she would rather be with Ray. How could IT girl possibly compete?
“Please, Carly. Do it for me.”
Carly dropped her hands. “Sure. Why not?”
“Really?” Leeann sounded very pleased.
“Yes. If she’s interested in having dinner or something, give her my number.”
Leeann clapped her hands. “Wonderful. Perfect.”
Ready to take her mind off romance, Carly said, “Do you want to go inside and play a video game?”
Leeann wrinkled her nose. Video games had never really been her thing, and she didn’t understand why Carly was such a fan. “Would that make you feel better?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, then. Video games it is.”
Laughing, Carly stood and whistled for Jack. “Don’t sound so excited.”
“I bet Jessica in IT likes video games.”
Carly put on a patient face. “I guess I’ll find out.”
Chapter Eleven
“Ray?”
Danny’s voice on the other end of the phone caught Ray off guard. How long had it been since they spoke? At least eight months. She should have called him after moving to Bodega Bay, but hadn’t worked up the nerve.
“You there, Ray?”
“I’m here.” It was unnerving to hear from him, especially after Dr. Evans’s comments comparing what she had felt for him to her friendship with Carly. Yet it warmed her that he cared enough to call. She wouldn’t have blamed him if he hadn’t.
“It’s nice to hear your voice.”
Ray closed her eyes. “It’s nice to hear yours, too.” It hadn’t been easy for her to end their relationship. Not when he had been her constant companion since freshman year of high school. He had shipped out to Baghdad three months before she had, and they returned home at the same time. By that point they were like strangers.
“How are things in California?”
“Good,” Ray said. “I really like it out here.” Jagger leaned against her heavily, so she added, “I got a Great Dane.”
“Really? Sweet.”
“Yeah, he’s great. His name is Jagger.”
“Nice.”
Ray chewed on her lip, unsure what to say. She wanted to tell him so many things. That she was sorry she’d been unable to look at him when he visited her at Walter Reed. That she didn’t know why she hadn’t been able to stand his hugs or his sympathy. That she really had loved him, but in the end it didn’t matter. All she knew after Iraq was that she couldn’t be with him. There was no place for Danny in her life anymore.
Instead of saying any of those things, she asked, “How are things there?”
“Oh. Good.” Danny cleared his throat, sounding just as uncomfortable as she felt. “Things are great, actually. I, uh, met a girl.”
“Oh.” Ray forc
ed a brightness into her voice that she didn’t really feel. “Wow. That’s wonderful.”
“Thanks. It kind of is, yeah.” Danny paused, then said, “Actually, part of the reason I called was to tell you that I’ve asked her to marry me.”
A pang of sorrow deep in her stomach took Ray by surprise. “Oh.” That hadn’t taken long.
“For some reason she accepted.” Danny waited a moment, and when she didn’t speak, he said, “I wanted you to hear it from me.”
“I appreciate that.” Ray sat down on the couch, no longer trusting herself to stand. The news hit her harder than she expected. It didn’t matter that she could never see herself being with him again. They were still Ray and Danny, and she had known since she was fifteen that they would be together forever. That dream had died in Iraq, but she hadn’t expected fresh evidence of its demise.
“Are you okay, Ray-Ray?”
The nickname took her back to high school. Saturday afternoons lying on his bedroom floor, listening to Eagles albums. That time they cut class and just drove around in his car, talking about their futures. Counting the days until graduation so they could enlist. Why had she pulled away?
“I’m fine,” Ray said. “Congratulations. I’m happy for you.”
“I don’t expect you to be happy for me.”
“But I am.” After a moment of reflection, Ray realized it was true. When she broke up with Danny the most difficult part had been seeing the pain she caused him. At that point she felt very little about her own loss. She was totally numb, even about her inability to remain intimate with the only person who’d ever told her he loved her.
“This isn’t how I thought things would turn out,” Danny said. “In some ways I’m still getting used to that.”
“We may not be together anymore, but I still want you to have everything you always wanted.” Without her.
“Melissa’s a kindergarten teacher.” As though uncertain she wanted details, Danny said, “She’s very different than you. But she’s cool, anyway.”
Ray flushed at the compliment. “Well, good.” She played with Jagger’s floppy ear, still wrestling with all the things she had left unsaid between them. “I really am sorry. About the way I ended things.”
Battle Scars Page 9
