“As much as I can see myself in a relationship with anyone. I’m not sure what I can offer her, but I’m happy she’s willing to take a chance on me. She’s incredible.”
“You’ve made tremendous progress since meeting Carly. This could be a great experience for you.” Dr. Evans smiled. “Take things at a comfortable pace. Push yourself a little here and there to break out of old routines and habits, but leave yourself room to go as slow as you need.”
Ray knew Dr. Evans was talking about being in a relationship as a whole, but she thought about sex again. “I really enjoyed kissing her. She’s so soft. I never really thought about how beautiful women are. When she held me, it felt so good to be close to her. I liked it when she touched me.”
“Physical intimacy can be an almost spiritual experience with the right person. It can also be very intense. A lot of feelings and emotions may come up as you’re exploring that part of your relationship with Carly. Maintain good communication and be true to your limits, and you’ll find that a loving touch can be quite healing.”
Ray checked the clock again. “She’s due any minute. I should sign out.”
Dr. Evans nodded. “You have a good time, Ray. Be gentle with yourself. This is all new for you and it may take some adjusting.”
“Thanks, Dr. Evans.”
“I’ll talk to you soon.”
Ray closed their chat window and stood up. She grabbed Jagger’s service vest and he walked to her side, waiting patiently as she slipped it on. Her cell phone sat on the desk beside her and she picked it up, surprised to see the icon that indicated she had a voice mail. For a moment she feared that Carly had called to cancel their date, having thought better of the whole thing.
“Stop it,” Ray murmured to herself as she pushed the button to dial her voice mail. “No negative predictions.”
It wasn’t Carly. Ray stood and listened to the message, icy dread prickling her skin as she took in its meaning.
“Hello. My name is Karen Jackson, and I’m trying to reach Ray McKenna. I’m writing a book about female soldiers fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan. Obviously I think you’ve got an amazing story and no doubt have a very interesting perspective on the role of women in the military, their participation in combat, and the issue of acceptance by your male counterparts. I’d love to interview you for the book, if you’re willing. I know you haven’t done any interviews before and I totally get that, but I want to assure you that I am taking on this project with the utmost respect for your service. My only goal is to illuminate the challenges women face in war and the roles women play.”
Heart pounding, Ray deleted the message without taking down the phone number Karen Jackson left. She would not return her call. This was the first time someone had contacted her for an interview since she moved to Bodega Bay. How the hell had this woman gotten her cell-phone number? Ray kept it as private as possible, for exactly this reason.
Now a new fear gnawed at her gut. No matter how nervous she still was about going out in public, Ray had started to believe that interest in her story was waning. The initial onslaught of media coverage and recognition on the streets had diminished, and the national attention span being what it was, it seemed as though she might be able to live out the rest of her life in obscurity. Logically Ray knew that one author contacting her was hardly a sign of widespread interest, but emotionally, she all of a sudden felt in the spotlight again.
Right when she was finally moving on with her life and inviting someone else into it. Ray pocketed her cell phone, sick to her stomach. When she heard a knock on her door, she exhaled shakily. The last thing she wanted right now was to leave her house.
Ray walked to the front door on legs that felt disconnected, as though she weren’t in control of them anymore. Peering through the peephole, Ray relaxed when she saw Carly. As much as she didn’t want to go out to dinner, she was glad to have Carly here. She didn’t want to be alone with her fears.
“Hey.” Carly’s radiant smile faded when she saw Ray’s face. “Is everything okay?”
Carly wore a cable-knit cardigan over a form-fitting top, and for a moment a warm wash of arousal distracted Ray from her worries. She was staring at Carly’s breasts, but she couldn’t help it. Now that she had noticed them, she couldn’t look away. She remembered grazing the firm flesh with her hand the evening before and shivered.
Carly put a hand under her chin and lifted Ray’s face so their eyes met. She was biting her lip, clearly holding back laughter.
“I’m sorry,” Ray said. “You look amazing.”
“Keep staring at me like that and we won’t make it to dinner.”
Ray wished like hell they could just stay in and make out. Even the prospect of taking their physical relationship farther made her less nervous than going to the restaurant. “Would that be such a bad thing?”
Carly closed the distance between them, kissing Ray softly. “Not bad at all. But I’d love to go out, if you’re up for it.”
Dizzy from the feeling of Carly’s lips against hers, Ray was ready to agree to anything. “Sure.”
“I called ahead and told them we would be bringing Jagger. They’ve got patio seating with outdoor heaters, so we figured that would work best.”
This would be Jagger’s first time at a restaurant. Relieved that Carly had thought to clear everything in advance, Ray said, “Thank you.”
Carly stepped back and took Ray’s hand. Looking her up and down, Carly murmured, “You look pretty amazing as well, by the way.”
Ray blushed. She didn’t own anything dressy, so her jeans and sweater were just shy of casual. But Carly was being sincere, and Ray recognized the desire in her eyes. “You’re very easily impressed.”
Carly squeezed her hand. “Enough.”
Ray knew she needed to work on her confidence. Self-deprecation wasn’t attractive. “No, you’re right,” she said. “I’m pretty damn hot, if I do say so myself.”
“That’s more like it. You guys ready?”
Ray grabbed Jagger’s leash off the peg just inside the door and steeled her nerve. Ready or not, she was committed to doing this. For Carly. “Let’s go.”
Chapter Sixteen
Carly was right: the restaurant was small and intimate, and their table was private enough that Ray was able to sit in the corner of the patio, out of sight of all but one other couple. That couple was a young man and a slightly older woman whose hands stayed clasped together even when the waiter took their order. Their gaze never strayed from each other, so the last thing they cared about was some ex-soldier and her service dog. It was a perfect, thoughtful setting for her first dinner out since coming home.
Why was she still so nervous? Ray eyed the waiter who brought drinks to the table next to them, keeping her guard up. He hadn’t done anything to make her feel unsafe, but that hardly mattered. She was deep in a state of hypervigilance, so logic didn’t penetrate her pervasive sense of foreboding.
“Ray?”
Blinking, Ray returned her attention to Carly. She had been talking, hadn’t she? Ray searched her memory for some thread of what Carly had been saying, but came up blank. Shamed, she mustered a contrite smile.
“I’m sorry.”
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
Ray inhaled. I am the master of my fate. She could tell Carly what she was going through, but she didn’t want to fall apart on their first date. Ray wanted so badly for things between them to work, and revealing the full extent of her anxiety might scare Carly away. She grinned with effort.
“It’s just been a while since I’ve been in a situation like this.” Ray picked up her glass of water and took a sip, then set it back down a little louder than she intended. This caught the attention of the man at the next table, who tore his eyes away from his date for an instant to look their direction. “This is a nice place.”
“Good food, too.” Carly gestured at the menu in front of Ray. “Do you know what you want yet?”
“What are yo
u having?” In truth, Ray hadn’t been able to focus on the menu. She barely remembered any of the choices. Glancing at the neighboring table again, she was relieved to see that the man had lost interest in her clumsy maneuvering.
“I was thinking about having the mac and cheese.”
“Make that two.” Ray forced herself to keep her eyes on Carly. If she could just focus on the reason she was pushing herself to be here, everything would be okay. “I told my therapist about us. She seemed really happy. She thinks you’ve been good for me so far.”
“I hope I’m always good for you.” Carly reached under the table and touched Ray’s hand. “I promise to try my hardest to make you happy.”
The waiter approached their table and Ray jerked her hand away from Carly’s. Surprise registered on Carly’s face and Ray shot her a contrite look, kicking herself for her reaction. It wasn’t like anyone could see what they were doing under there.
“Good evening, ladies. Are you ready to order?”
Carly gave him a smile that immediately had him grinning back, intent on her. Ray watched as she ordered, envying the ease with which she conversed with the waiter. By the time he left the table they were both laughing. Carly returned her attention to Ray, any offense she might have felt at Ray’s earlier retreat apparently forgotten.
“I’m flattered you told your therapist about me. I know this is all such new territory for you,” Carly said. “So how was it? Coming out, or however you’re thinking of it.”
“It was good.” Ray checked her watch. “It happened about an hour ago, actually.”
“Right before our date?”
“I needed to tell someone.”
“I get that.” Carly folded her hands on the table. “Leeann called me as I was leaving to pick you up. She wanted to know how the date with Jessica went.”
“Oh.” At the mention of Leeann’s name, Ray’s throat went dry. Though she had just confessed needing to tell Dr. Evans about their new relationship, she wasn’t thrilled with the idea of Leeann finding out. That wasn’t exactly fair to Carly, but it had nothing to do with being fair. After learning that someone had discovered her cell number, she considered everything a violation of her privacy. “What did you say?”
“I told her that Jessica was a really sweet girl, but I didn’t think we had a future.”
“Did you tell her why?”
Carly watched her eyes. “No. I wasn’t ready to tell her about us yet.”
Ray relaxed. “Oh.”
“You seem relieved.”
“A little.” Ray smiled, hoping to take any sting out of her words. “You know I’m a very private person.”
“I know. But I do hope you’ll understand that I’ll want to tell her eventually. She’s my closest friend, besides you.”
“Of course. But if you wouldn’t mind, I’d appreciate it if we kept this between us for a bit. Until we get more comfortable with it ourselves.”
“I understand.” Carly touched Ray’s foot with her own, then retreated. “This is new for you. I get it.”
“Thank you.” From the corner of her eye, Ray saw the man at the next table lean across their bread basket to give the woman a kiss.
Carly followed Ray’s line of sight. “They look like they’re very much in love.”
“Yeah.” Ray dragged her attention back to Carly, embarrassed to have been caught looking. “Definitely seems that way.”
“I think it’s sweet. Then again, I’m feeling much more charitable toward romance these days.” Carly smiled over the rim of her water glass. “Now that I’ve found some of my own.”
Ray couldn’t help but return her smile, charmed by the way Carly could shrink the world down to only the two of them with just a few words. She stared at Carly’s mouth, lost in the memory of her other talents. Gazing at Carly’s throat, she then drifted to the top of her breasts. What she wouldn’t give to have Carly back on her couch right now.
Their waiter appeared at the table, breaking Ray out of her reverie. Face red, she looked at the floor as he set a dinner salad in front of her. She echoed Carly’s thanks, then watched him walk back toward the kitchen with relief. Catching a glimpse of the couple at the next table, she wasn’t surprised to find them caressing each other’s arms on the tabletop.
Were she and Carly that obvious? They weren’t making out in front of the entire restaurant like those two, but she was staring at Carly with just as much desire as that man had for his date. Did their waiter know she and Carly were a couple? And more importantly, did he have any idea who she was?
Ray turned Karen Jackson’s message over in her head. Yet another interview request. For a while it had seemed like everyone wanted an interview, to the point where she stopped answering the phone completely. The fascination with her story had been intense, personal, and a violation that she had no choice but to suffer again and again. She could only imagine the interest a same-sex relationship would ignite.
War hero and her lesbian lover. Ray could see the story now. She picked up her salad fork, trying to choke down the bile that rose in her throat. No way could she go through that now. Looking across the table at Carly, she offered a weak grin. Carly smiled back, concern shining in her eyes. She would never put Carly through that kind of scrutiny, either. Ray endured it only because she had no choice. Carly would have choices, and Ray was terrified of where that would inevitably leave them.
“You’re sure everything’s okay?” Carly said quietly. “We can leave if this is too much.”
Ray shook her head, determined to make it through dinner. After tonight she would be more careful about what she agreed to do, but she had promised Carly at least one real date. If Ray could give her nothing else, she would give her this.
“I’m okay,” Ray said. “Let’s eat.”
Chapter Seventeen
As much as Carly enjoyed taking Ray out to dinner on their first date, the second was a lot more fun. They kept it simple with pizza and a movie at home, which meant Ray got to relax. And relax she did. They held hands during the entire film, and twice Ray stole kisses that ended up turning into full-blown makeout sessions. By the time the credits rolled, Carly doubted that she had retained more than twenty minutes of the plot. Not that it mattered. It wasn’t about the movie; it was about being close to Ray.
Ray picked up the remote and clicked the television off. “That was good.”
“Was it?” Carly traced her fingertip over Ray’s jaw, then touched her lower lip. “I was a little too distracted to pay attention.”
Kissing her finger, Ray murmured, “Me, too. I wasn’t talking about the movie.”
Their eyes met and they shifted closer to one another as though drawn by an invisible force. Carly had been waiting almost the entire evening for this moment, when they could touch each another freely without feeling they should be engaged in a more respectable activity.
Carly waited for Ray to make the first move. Though she wanted to press Ray down onto the couch and kiss the hell out of her, she would play it safe and let Ray get them started. So far Carly had been cautious bordering on old-fashioned, not wanting to do anything to scare Ray from their burgeoning sexual relationship. While she was definitely willing to wait as long as Ray needed and would never push for more than she was ready to give, Carly yearned to take that final step and become lovers.
Ray wrapped her arms around Carly and tugged her into a close embrace. “You’re driving me crazy, you know.”
“Am I?” Carly kissed the side of Ray’s neck, thrilling in the shiver she elicited. “I like the sound of that.”
“I’m pretty fond of being driven crazy, myself.” Ray put her mouth on Carly’s throat, sucking gently. She moaned, then whispered, “God, Carly, I can’t believe how badly I want you.”
Carly closed her eyes when Ray’s hands found the hem of her T-shirt and slipped inside. No matter how strongly she believed in taking things as slow as Ray needed, this was torture, plain and simple. Still, the last thing she
wanted to do was discourage Ray from exploring the physical side of their relationship. Not when it might shatter her fledgling confidence. So Carly endured the sweetest agony she had ever experienced with a smile on her face.
Ray kissed her deeply, and once again Carly marveled at the skill with which Ray’s mouth seduced her. Her kisses were tender yet passionate, curling Carly’s toes and unleashing a flood of wetness between her legs. Ray’s hands were just as skilled, caressing her stomach and back in a way that made Carly grateful she was already sitting down.
When Ray’s fingers drifted close to the underside of Carly’s breasts, just barely brushing the cups of her bra, Carly held her breath in anticipation. Then Ray retreated, tearing loose a groan from Carly’s throat. Every time they made out Ray flirted with the idea of touching Carly’s breasts, and every time she backed off. Carly knew Ray wanted nothing more than to run her hands over them, but apparently she was still working up the nerve. The buildup was so intense that Carly worried she would orgasm the moment Ray finally found the courage to breach that barrier.
Breaking away from their kiss, Ray rested her forehead on Carly’s shoulder. From the way her body trembled and her breathing hitched, she was obviously trying to calm down. Carly rubbed her hands up and down Ray’s muscular back, then kissed her temple. “I should probably go,” Carly whispered. “It’s late.”
“Please stay.” Ray lifted her head and met Carly’s eyes. “I want you to stay.”
Carly swallowed, unsure exactly what she meant. “Are you sure?”
“I don’t like the idea of you driving home in the dark.” Ray touched Carly’s throat, then curled her hand around the back of her neck, pulling her in for another kiss. She murmured against Carly’s lips, “It’s too dangerous.”
Returning Ray’s kisses, Carly said, “Staying here could be dangerous, too. If you know what I mean.”
Ray nodded and slipped her tongue into Carly’s mouth. Her hands found Carly’s hips and squeezed, sending a pulse of intense pleasure straight to Carly’s pussy. Inhaling sharply, Carly broke their kiss with effort.
Battle Scars Page 13
