“You think that’s what Carly likes? Surrendering control?”
“I don’t know. You two should probably talk about it. But I will say this: I don’t find it surprising that you would find issues of control, and specifically being in control, arousing. You’ve experienced two serious traumas in which you were made to feel powerless. In a situation like this one with Carly, when you’re in a safe place with someone you trust, it makes absolute sense that you would be interested in exploring power dynamics.”
“So there’s nothing wrong with me?” Ray kept a straight face, but she felt an intense wave of relief. She hadn’t known what to make of her behavior. It had never come up with Danny. That Dr. Evans felt it was healthy and even made some kind of sense was a huge weight off her shoulders. “I mean, at least in that regard?”
“You sound perfectly fine to me. But you and Carly need to keep the lines of communication open. Can you talk to her about sex?”
Shrugging shyly, Ray said, “I don’t know. I think so.” She sighed and put her hands on her face, cursing the heat in her cheeks. “To be honest, I’m not even a hundred percent sure what we’ll do in bed. I mean, I can guess. I think. But it’s still a bit of a mystery. I’m not sure I’d know how to talk about it.”
“Do you ever touch yourself, Ray?”
Dr. Evans was so straightforward. Ray studied the pattern on Jagger’s collar, anything to avoid eye contact. “Not really anymore, no.” She had thought about it. Even tried for a moment in bed the other night. But she hadn’t masturbated in so long that it felt foreign to do so, and she was scared. What if she couldn’t feel pleasure like she used to? “It makes me a little nervous.”
“About the emotions it may bring up?”
“That, and I’m worried it won’t work.” Ray’s eyes filled with tears, blurring Jagger’s collar into his gray fur. “What if I’m broken?”
“If you’re frightened about whether you’re capable of experiencing sexual pleasure, that’s all the more reason to spend some time exploring it on your own. Better to confront whatever fears you can before you and Carly are in that situation again. Come to peace with your body and your desires. Then sharing yourself with Carly will become much easier.”
“That’s a good idea.”
“The things you do to make yourself feel good would probably also feel good to Carly. And if you’re still uncertain about what you two would do together, talking it out could not only answer some questions for you, but it might also be exciting.”
Just imagining talking frankly about sex—their sex—with Carly made Ray’s blood pressure rise. “I’ll try to work up the nerve to bring it up.”
“You’ll be just fine. Maybe the first step before going any further with Carly is to simply adjust to having these feelings again. This is a lot, Ray. Not only are you just recovering your drive, but you’re also thinking about making love with a woman for the first time.”
Ray groaned. “This is definitely a lot.”
“I happen to think you’re up to the task.” Dr. Evans paused. “Speaking of tasks you’re up to, how are you doing with getting out into the world?”
Ray’s relief vanished. This was the really difficult topic, and the one she was ashamed to talk about. “I’m doing okay.” Did that sound as weak to Dr. Evans as it did to her?
“You don’t sound very sure of that.”
“Carly and I went out to dinner for our first date,” Ray reminded Dr. Evans. “That was a pretty big step.”
“Yes, it was. Have you gone anywhere since?”
Ray looked down at her hands. “Not yet.”
“For a while you were doing really well. Things seem to have slowed down a bit since you and Carly became a couple.”
“I don’t know if that’s true,” Ray lied. She hated that her newfound confidence was slipping away, but she found it difficult to admit to Dr. Evans that it was. “I have a harder time with datelike things, like restaurants. Or going to the movies.”
“Is that because of what you’re actually doing, or because you’re on a date?”
“Maybe a little of both?” Ray ran a hand through her hair, then tugged at a fistful until her scalp sang. “It’s just new for me, doing that stuff with someone else. I’m sure I’ll get used to it soon.”
“Not if you don’t practice. Tell me why you find it so difficult to do things with Carly all of a sudden. Before you were lovers, Carly was able to actually encourage you to try new things. Like spending time with that litter of puppies.”
“That was fun,” Ray murmured. She sighed. Better to just come clean. “She asked me if I wanted to go again last weekend to see another litter of puppies. And I totally did want to go, but I told her no. I just couldn’t get over my fears.”
“Tell me about those fears.”
“Well, you know.” Ray wished Dr. Evans could fill in the blanks. “I mean, everyone will be able to see that I’m totally in love with her.”
“And what if they do?” Dr. Evans sat up straighter, and Ray knew she was excited to have hit upon the real issue. “Many people wouldn’t notice you two at all. Some may assume you’re best friends or even sisters. A certain number of people will notice you casually and guess that you’re lovers. What about that frightens you?”
“Come on, Dr. Evans. You saw all the news coverage when I was captured. And then after I was released? It’s died down a lot, but you and I both know that if someone figures out I’m with a woman now, that’s one hell of a curiosity. The media wouldn’t hesitate to make that a story.”
“Whoa.” Dr. Evans held up a hand. “Slow down. You’re making a lot of negative predictions. You don’t have to take things to that place. Sure, someone might recognize you. Even if they do, the chances that it would translate into a media feeding frenzy are pretty low.”
“You don’t know that. All it takes is one person who wants to break a big story or tip off a news source. And once someone mentions it, the story will spread.”
“You need to tell yourself that even if people see you together, they will not know the nature of your relationship. And even if they do figure it out, that doesn’t mean it will become a big story. But you know what, Ray, even if it did? You would deal with it.”
Ray shook her head. Her heart hammered at the memory of what it had been like in the spotlight. “I can’t deal with it again. I really can’t. Especially not something so personal.” She imagined Danny finding out by reading some news story, or her mother watching CNN only to discover that her middle child was now a lesbian.
“What are you thinking about, Ray? Where did you just go?”
From the concern in Dr. Evans’s voice, Ray knew she wasn’t doing a good job of hiding her neuroses. “I was thinking about my family finding out through the media that I’m seeing a woman.”
“Have you thought about calling them and telling them yourself?”
A new seed of anxiety took root in the pit of Ray’s stomach. “Not really. I haven’t been talking to them about much of anything lately.”
“Maybe it’s time. Do you think they’ll be upset that you’re with a woman?”
Ray considered the question for a long time. Her mother and her sisters were all socially liberal, and she had never heard any of them make derogatory comments about gay people. Still, who knew how they would react if the gay person was her? “I don’t know,” Ray said finally. “I don’t think so, but I don’t know.”
“You may find it empowering to tell them, to let them know on your own terms.”
“Yeah.” Ray put her hands on her head, wishing she could chase away the pain that throbbed in her temples. “I guess I just figured that if I’m careful about where I’m seen, it won’t have to be an issue. I’m telling you, I don’t think I can do it again.”
“Listen, you’re stronger now. You’re not giving yourself nearly enough credit. And you’ve got Carly. If something did happen, you wouldn’t have to go through it alone.”
Ray swiped a
ngrily at the tears that escaped her eyes. “But I don’t want Carly to have to go through that with me. I doubt she would want to stick around for it in any event.”
“Have you told Carly about your fears?”
Ray shook her head. “I’ve been making excuses to not go out. Basically.”
“Carly sounds like a smart woman. She’ll figure out that something’s going on.” Dr. Evans got that expression on her face that Ray had come to associate with being told that she would have to do something she didn’t want to. “You need to talk to her. Keep her in the loop. Let her know what’s going on and allow her to help you work through it.”
Though Ray nodded because the advice was solid, she couldn’t admit the depth of her fear of being found out to Carly. It could only hurt Carly’s feelings.
“I’ll try,” Ray whispered.
“You’ll do great. Keep the lines of communication open with Carly and everything will be just fine. You’ll see.”
Ray nodded miserably. She wished she could be so certain.
Chapter Nineteen
Leeann had impeccable timing. She called when Carly was a half mile away from Ray’s house, just in time to force her into a lie. As much as she hated lying to Leeann, she had no choice. Ray still wasn’t comfortable with anyone knowing about their relationship, and as long as Leeann thought Ray was unattainable, Carly wasn’t about to tell her where she was spending all her time.
Carly activated her wireless headset and braced herself for the conversation. “Hey, Leeann.”
“Hey, yourself. How are things up in the north country?”
Amazing. Overwhelming. “Things are okay.”
“Keeping busy?”
That was an understatement. When she wasn’t at work, she was with Ray. “For the most part.”
“Any plans tonight? Maybe we could meet in Corte Madera for dinner. Or Larkspur. Whatever you want.”
Carly felt a twinge of disappointment. She wanted to spend the evening with Ray, of course, but dinner out sounded nice. She probably wouldn’t be able to talk Ray into going somewhere. “I’m so sorry. I’m working late tonight, filling in at the emergency clinic.”
The lie tore her apart. She had never hidden her relationships before. When her parents came to visit her at college one weekend shortly after she and Leeann got together, Carly outed herself to them rather than pretend she didn’t have a girlfriend. Luckily her parents had taken it well, which had set the tone for the rest of Carly’s life thus far. It was easy to be out and proud in the San Francisco Bay Area, but she couldn’t imagine living her life any other way. Lying felt unnatural. Hopefully Ray wouldn’t expect her to do it for long.
“Oh, that’s a bummer. I thought we could go to the Melting Pot and gorge ourselves on fondue.”
“I’ll definitely take a rain check on that one.” Carly turned into Ray’s driveway, setting Jack’s tail thumping hard against the car door. “That sounds like fun.”
“I miss you.” Leeann’s voice verged on petulant, and Carly smiled.
“I miss you, too.” Carly put the car into park and waved as Ray stepped out onto her front porch with Jagger. She held up a finger to indicate that she would end the call as soon as she could. “Actually, I got an e-mail reminder this morning for a veterinary conference that I signed up to attend forever ago. It’s next Thursday and I’ll be spending the night in the city. If you’re free, we should get together.”
“Totally,” Leeann said. “We could hit the club. Maybe even get you laid.”
“I don’t know about that.” Carly hoped her chuckle sounded nonchalant. Ray sat on the porch swing grinning, and Carly flashed on a memory of how it felt to have that lean, muscled body on top of hers. “I’d love to see you, though.”
“Where are you staying?”
“Oh, I reserved a hotel room. I’m covered.”
“Don’t be silly. You should crash with me. We can eat ice cream and watch scary movies. It’ll be fun.”
Tempting. Of course, she wouldn’t have any privacy with Leeann, and no late-night phone calls to Ray. That was probably the only thing that would get her through being away for two days. Carly pinched the bridge of her nose. “I really appreciate the offer, but it would be easier if I kept my room. I’m staying where the conference is being held, and I need to get an early start on Friday morning, so—”
“Okay, I get it. That’s fine. More ice cream for me, then.”
Carly laughed. “Can I take a rain check on the slumber party, too?”
“Of course you can.” Leeann sighed. “So, how are things with Ray?”
It figured she would ask a direct question. Hoping to get off the subject quickly, Carly said, “Fine. She’s doing well. And Jack is doing great with the agility training she’s giving him. He should be awesome at the trial in June.”
“Uh-huh.” Leeann couldn’t make her lack of enthusiasm for dog-related conversation more obvious if she tried. “How are you doing with Ray?”
“I’m fine.” Carly was getting very tired of this line of inquiry. Especially when she couldn’t be honest about the fact that her unrequited crush wasn’t so unrequited after all. “Trust me, okay? Everything is great. I’m wonderful.”
“Good.” Leeann sounded like she wasn’t convinced, but was willing to let Carly off the hook. “So I’ll see you next Thursday?”
“I’ll call you,” Carly said. Ray planted her feet and rocked the swing lazily, then folded her toned arms over her chest. She looked good enough to eat. “I actually need to let you go now, though. My shift is about to start.”
“Have fun.”
“I will.” Carly disconnected their call and opened the car door, stepping aside to let Jack tear out behind her. “Hey,” she shouted to Ray. “Sorry, that was Leeann.”
“No problem.” Ray beamed as Carly approached and patted the swing beside her. “How is she?”
“Great.” Carly sat down and gave Ray a lingering kiss. She pulled away sooner than she would have liked, but she had promised herself not to let things escalate tonight. “We’re planning to hang out when I’m in the city Thursday night.”
“Oh, yeah.” Ray gave her a brave smile, but Carly could see the disappointment in her eyes. “I keep forgetting you’ll be out of town.”
“I promise to call you before I go to bed that night,” Carly said. “You can tuck me in over the phone.”
“I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you, too.” Carly put her arms around Ray and rested against her solid body. Ray kept them swinging with her legs and eased her arm around Carly’s shoulders.
“This is nice,” Ray said quietly. “I could definitely get used to it.”
Carly squeezed Ray around the middle. The sun was setting and the light had taken on an amber hue. It bathed the green hills that surrounded Ray’s house, making them almost seem to glow. Jack and Jagger lay on the end of the porch, side by side, ears perked and noses greedily taking in the salty air. For right now, at least, everything seemed perfect. Carly went still and tried hard to capture this moment in her memory.
She had once been so happy surrounded by the noise and energy of the city. It was hard to believe that this quiet, idyllic place existed a mere sixty-five miles from where she had lived that other life. She might as well have been on a different planet. Yet she felt just as happy now as she had then, no matter how different her life had turned out from what she had expected.
Fear slithered down Carly’s spine. Losing this happiness had been devastating the first time. Could she survive a second loss? What if Ray wasn’t really in this for the long run? What if she thought better of being with a woman?
“I can feel your mind working,” Ray murmured, then kissed the top of Carly’s head. “Want to tell me what you’re thinking about?”
“That I don’t want this to go away,” Carly said. Drawing back, she met Ray’s eyes with a shy smile. “Sorry. Occasionally I slip into a bit of melancholy. But I’m fine.”
&n
bsp; “I’m not planning to go anywhere.” Ray’s gaze penetrated her, deadly serious. “You mean everything to me.”
Carly nodded, but no matter how sincere Ray’s promise, anything could happen. Just when you thought you knew what life had in store for you, there could be a car accident. Or a change of heart. Anything.
“Likewise.” Carly put her hand on Ray’s upper chest and gave her a friendly pat. “What’s for dinner, sweetheart? Are you up for going out? Or we could pack a picnic, bundle up, and eat on the beach.”
A shadow passed over Ray’s face. “Oh. I’m sorry, I already ordered Chinese.”
“That sounds good.” Carly wasn’t surprised that Ray had taken care of dinner. This was becoming a pattern. At first Carly told herself she was imagining that Ray was making more excuses than normal not to leave the house, but now she was almost certain that something was going on. “Maybe we could go out to dinner again after I get back from San Francisco this weekend. I had fun on our first date. I’d love a second one.”
“Yeah, maybe.” Ray’s smile looked like it took considerable effort. “We’ll figure something out.”
As much as Carly hated to pressure Ray into anything outside her comfort zone, she didn’t want to ignore the obvious. If Ray’s recovery was faltering, she wanted to know why. “It seems like you’ve been more hesitant to get out of the house lately. Is something going on?”
Ray flinched. “I haven’t been more hesitant.” Breaking eye contact, she said, “I was just craving Chinese. If I thought I could cancel the order I would, but they’ll probably be here any minute.”
“No, Chinese sounds fine.” Carly took Ray’s hand and squeezed. “I’m sorry, Ray. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
“I’m great.” Ray touched Carly’s face. “Never better. Believe me.”
Carly nodded. She wanted to believe Ray. She wanted to believe that the nearly empty cupboards and refrigerator she had noticed yesterday were now fully stocked, evidence that Ray had made it to the store. She wanted to believe that it was a coincidence that they hadn’t been to the beach since Ray’s breakdown. And she definitely wanted to believe that Ray would be willing to go out to dinner again one day, because that had been so nice, so wonderfully normal.
Battle Scars Page 16
