by Quinn Loftis
“Does it have something to do with me?” Serenity asked and her voice was less confident than it had been. “You’ve been. . . distant. I mean. . . not that you owe me anything. It’s not like we’ve really established what this,” she said and motioned between them, “is. I just—”
Dair reached up inhumanly fast and cupped her face, pulling her closer to him causing her words to freeze in her throat. “Listen closely, Sarah Serenity. The first time I laid eyes on you, it was as though I was seeing a sunrise for the first time. The warmth that radiated off of you penetrated through my dark world with an intensity I’d never felt before. It was like the rays of the sun breaking through a raging storm, offering hope to all that had been tormented. You say I don’t owe you anything, but I would say you are very, very wrong. Before you I was just the dream maker, the Sandman. But you have made me something more, you have given me something more, and for that I am forever grateful. And perhaps, I need to establish what this,” he said as he motioned with his free hand, just as she had done, “is between us so that there is no confusion. Humans would call us boyfriend and girlfriend and for the public I am fine with that. But in private, when it is just you and me, those terms do not come close to capturing what you are to me.” Dair took a breath as he steadied himself. His emotions were a thrashing hurricane inside of him, raging against his desire to protect her and yet his need to obey his Creator. They had been since he had watched the woman before him die. He was unaccustomed to such feelings, and though he believed Serenity had come to care for him, he didn’t want to scare her off by coming on too strong. But when the words started pouring from his lips, the censure he fought to have was completely gone. To say that the dam had broken would be a gross understatement.
“It is not fair of me to ask you for the same commitment that I am ready and willing to give to you. You are so young, your life only just beginning with a future stretched out before you with promise. I have existed for longer than your mind can fathom. So I’m asking you not to let my admission make you feel obligated to reciprocate, or even respond at all. But I feel you have a right to know since it is obvious that my feelings are unclear to you. I love you. I have never fully understood what those words meant until you. And now in all of their messy glory, I know what I love you means.”
“What does it mean?” Serenity’s words came out in a barely audible whisper.
“It means I am yours—heart, body, soul. I am yours. Whether you want me, choose to be with me, or walk away, I will always be yours. There will not be a day where the sun rises that I do not think of your safety, wellbeing, and happiness nor will there be a night that I don’t make sure your dreams are peaceful and your mind rested. It means that your needs come before my own. It comes at no cost to you, and yet it will cost me everything, and it is a debt I’ll gladly pay. It means there is no hell I won’t walk through, no battle I won’t fight, and no sacrifice I won’t make to ensure that you are safe, protected, and happy.”
There was silence once his voice no longer filled the small space. The only noise came from the muffled music that was playing from the drive-in’s speakers and the muted voices of the other people ordering their food. Serenity sat still as stone. Her eyes held his but she gave nothing away. He didn’t know if she was in shock, scared, happy, or angry about what he’d just told her. Dair was trying to be patient but he was close to growling like an animal, needing to know her thoughts. To be fair, he had told her that she didn’t have to respond. He wanted to kick himself for that. He wanted her to respond even if it was to laugh at him; he needed to know where he stood with her.
“Is that all?” she said suddenly breaking the silence.
“Is that all what?” Dair asked his forehead scrunching up in confusion.
“Is that all it means?” Had Dair not seen the slight quirk of her lips and the wicked gleam in her eyes, he would have thought she was serious.
“I suppose it is rather a letdown,” he told her, playing along. “I should have added in some jewels or castles.”
“Definitely would have been more impressive,” she agreed with a nod. His hand was still against her warm cheek. He left it there a moment longer before finally pulling it away. Silence once again filled the car but thankfully it didn’t last long.
“I know you said I didn’t have to respond or whatever,” Serenity began, “but do you mind if I do?”
Dair loved the way she bit her bottom lip as she looked up at him through lowered lashes. “Of course not.” He gave a casual nod encouraging her to proceed.
She let out a breath blowing the wisps of hair that framed her face. She seemed hesitant, yet there was a determined tightness to her mouth. Dair waited. He waited to see if she was trying to let him down easy. He waited to hear the words that would either throw him back into a world of darkness or words that would keep him wrapped in her light.
“The only love I have received or given was that of a child to a parent or other family member,” Serenity said as she leaned back in her seat. “So I admit that I don’t have any experience with other types of love. But I do know that what I feel for you is like nothing I’ve felt before. It’s strong, intense, wild, and―at times―a little scary.”
Dair’s eyes were riveted to her face as Serenity spoke. His chest rose and fell with every breath that felt hinged on what she would say next.
“I’ll be honest; I’m afraid to say that I love you because it seems like we should know each other longer before such a strong sentiment is given, but I don’t know what else to call what I feel for you.” Her head lifted and turned, finally looking at him. “I’m also afraid to feel these things because I don’t know what kind of future we really have together. I lost my parents and the pain of that has never gone away. I don’t know if I can stand losing someone else I care deeply for. But even to keep from having a broken heart, I can’t ask you to leave. The idea of you not being here is. . . well. . . it’s horrible. It leaves an emptiness inside of me that takes my breath away.”
“Don’t ask me to leave.” His plea came out in a hoarse whisper as his hand reached for hers. “I can’t, not even if I wanted to.”
Emma stared up at the ceiling in her room. She was tired. That had been the real reason she’d told Serenity that she didn’t want to go with her to the clinic that morning. Raphael had stayed with her as he did every night, but he couldn’t stop the yelling match that carried on most of the night between Mildred and her guests. Emma had needed to pee since early that morning but hadn’t dared to leave her room until Mildred and the others had fallen asleep. They had all collapsed into drunken stupors, so thankfully they were out cold, at least for a while. She had hoped she would be able to go to sleep but so far all she’d managed was a short nap. Raphael had been quiet, though that wasn’t anything new. She could tell he was trying to let her rest.
After another few minutes, Emma finally gave up. She sat up and pushed herself back until she was leaning against the cold wall behind her. Raphael didn’t turn toward her even when she spoke.
“Do you ever wish you were human?” Emma asked him. It had been a question that had bounced around her head several times over the weeks that she’d gotten to know the angel. He watched everything around him with such intensity, and she couldn’t help but wonder if he ever got tired of being on the outside looking in. He didn’t seem surprised by her question, but then it seemed very little could surprise Raphael.
“I cannot miss what I have never had.” His voice held its usual coolness and there was no inflection.
“That doesn’t mean you aren’t affected by the things you see in this world. Families, couples, children―things you will never have. Does it bother you?” After the question was already out, Emma realized that it might have sounded a little cruel. She sometimes spoke before she thought because her mind was always curious, always wanting to learn more. Her questions were most often just a need to know the facts, not to be intrusive. She supposed that for all of her intelligence
and maturity she still was just an eight-year-old after all. Instead of apologizing, she simply waited to see if he would answer.
“I was not created for any of those things. The drive that lives inside of me is the need to protect the Creator’s creation and to fight evil, the enemies of the Creator. I find that when I see humans living out their purpose, happy and content, then I find pleasure in that, but I do not wish for it. Besides, if I hadn’t been created for protection, then who would do it?”
Emma’s forehead wrinkled as she looked at him trying to understand what he was saying. “You mean that if you weren’t there to do your job, then maybe it might not get done?”
The angel shook his head. “Not at all. The Creator always accomplishes his purposes. But I am privileged that He created me to aid in those purposes.”
Emma thought about that and decided she could understand someone feeling satisfaction by doing what he was created to do. She still wasn’t sure what she had been created for, but she felt like it was important. Why else would God give her such intelligence? Her need to focus on something other than the stirring she heard happening in the other room had her asking more questions.
“When you say enemies, what are you talking about?”
Raphael turned to face her. His large arms were folded across his chest as he leaned back against the wall. She could tell he was deciding how much to tell her. His shoulders seemed to relax as he came to a decision.
“In your time, in your church, have you ever heard of the angel Lucifer?”
She nodded. “He desired to be like God and was cast from heaven.”
“Correct,” he confirmed as his eyes glazed over and memories pulled him from the room. “The biggest rebellion to ever stand against the Creator happened that day. Lucifer and those he had convinced to follow him were thrown into the depths. He was given the earth as his domain and the fallen angels that slowly withered until there was nothing good left in them. Their bitterness at the Creator ate away at them until all that was left were grotesque creatures that reflected the darkness they held inside.” He paused and Emma found herself leaning forward with her arms on her knees and her hands on her face supporting her head as she watched and waited for Raphael to continue.
“But Lucifer’s heart was full of greed and malice. He wanted more than just the earth. He wanted all that inhabited it as well. His goal has been to inflict as much pain on the Creator as he can by corrupting and destroying all that the Creator has fashioned.”
“My mama used to say that Lucifer and his demons only had as much power as we were willing to give them. She told me that if he knocks on my door and I open it to him while offering him cookies and lemonade then I shouldn’t be surprised if he kicked back and stayed a while.”
Raphael gave her one of his rare smiles. “Your mother said a lot of interesting things.”
Emma laughed. “I think I could write a book just based on her sayings.”
“That is good that you have those memories of her. She left a piece of herself inside of you through her wisdom. Treasure that, because wisdom is rare commodity in this world.”
“People are always so surprised when things around them seem to fall apart. But why should they expect anything different if they build their house from twigs and spit based on a blueprint of stupid?” Emma grinned.
“Mama?” Raphael asked with a raised brow.
She nodded. “Will you tell me more?”
His answer was to continue his story. “The mistake many humans make is believing that because Lucifer is fallen that he must not be too bright. The truth is he is the most cunning of beings. His mind is a calculating labyrinth of ways to draw people into darkness. He is patient, relentless, and thoughtful in his attacks. There is a reason that at one time when he was still in heaven he stood at the Creator’s right hand side. He was beautiful, a bright shining beacon of heaven’s glory, but it was not enough.
“After all the time he has roamed the earth, he has learned who to prey upon and has succeeded in taking many with him. He is always trying to find out the Creator’s plans and thwart them, and he will use any weapon he has at his disposal. One such weapon is the demons that serve him. They roam the world unseen, wreaking havoc on unsuspecting humans. Myself and other angels have been tasked with destroying them, but we can only attack if they are attempting to cause physical harm to a human by their direct actions. If they influence another vessel to cause the harm we cannot intercede. We cannot interfere with free will. It has to be the human’s choice to turn away from the evil. The demons can whisper all they want into the minds of those who are willing to listen and we can do nothing, but if they raise a hand to harm them, then we can act.”
“All that is going on around us and we don’t even know it,” Emma said softly.
“Some can feel it,” Raphael corrected her, “like those who are very attuned to the spiritual. They feel evil when it comes near and can even feel my presence without me making myself known. They are rare, but they are out there.”
Emma didn’t have time to sift through this new information because her door was suddenly flung open so hard that it bounced off the wall nearly returning closed. Her aunt stood in the doorway looking very annoyed, which Emma didn’t understand because she hadn’t done anything to annoy her―other than breathe that is.
“You got someone here to see you,” Mildred told her as the cigarette she hadn’t bothered to remove bounced against her lips as she spoke.
Emma slid from the bed glancing back at Raphael. She knew her aunt couldn’t see him, but it still seemed odd to Emma because he was just so big and his presence so profound. She didn’t know how Mildred couldn’t feel it. She walked past her aunt and into the living room to find Darla standing just inside the doorway holding a covered bowl and a box of crackers. Her smile was like a brilliant star lighting the dark sky.
“I heard you were under the weather and wanted to see if you needed anything. I also brought you food.”
“Of course you did,” Emma said as she smiled at the woman she’d grown to love like a mother. She took the bowl and crackers from her and carried them to the table in the kitchen. Darla followed, taking no notice of Mildred who stood at the hallway entrance.
“Are you alright?” Darla asked, her eyes taking on a serious glint.
“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s probably just a little virus.”
Darla’s smiled returned. “The fact that you even know what virus is is a little scary.”
Emma shrugged. “Actually the fact that I know how to assemble a bomb is what should scare you.”
Darla’s mouth dropped open. “Why on earth would you know how to do something like that?”
“Curiosity, and the need to see if I could actually do it. Don’t worry, when I was building it, my dad made me substitute the explosive parts with foam. Then he made me disassemble them since all someone would have to do to make them active was exchange out the foam for C4.”
Darla just shook her head. “Okay, I have to get back to work. Please promise me that there will be no bomb building.”
Emma nodded. “I promise. I’ll do something normal like make friendship bracelets or something.”
After Darla left, Emma was suddenly aware that Mildred was still watching her. She looked over at her aunt and for the first time saw a glimmer of longing in her eyes. It was gone as quickly as it had come. Mildred continued to stand there and stare, but it was as though she were looking through Emma, seeing something no one else could. Emma decided to see if maybe she could get some answers out of her aunt while she seemed to be reflective. Mildred’s friends had all left. Emma figured that must have been the rummaging about she’d heard earlier.
“Aunt Mildred, can I ask you a question?” Emma asked gently.
Mildred’s eyes regained their focus and the pinched expression she always wore came back. “I have a feeling you gonna ask no matter what I say.” She shuffled over to her chair and sat down, but she didn’t turn the t
elevision on. Emma took that as a yes.
“How did you and my mom end up so separated? Aren’t sisters supposed to be close?” Emma tried to sound nonjudgmental.
A few moments of silence passed and Emma didn’t think her aunt was going to answer but then, to the young girl’s surprise, she began to speak. “We weren’t full blooded, only half-sisters. We had the same mama, but different daddies. I was older, and when mama left my daddy, she left me too. She went on and found her an educated man, and suddenly she was better than the rest of her kin. My daddy wasn’t exactly thrilled to be stuck raising a snotty nosed brat. That’s what his nickname fer me was. Our upbringings weren’t nothing the same. She got what I never had.”
“Why would grandma leave you with a man who didn’t treat you right?” Emma asked, unable to imagine her grandmother doing such a thing. She knew there had to be more to the story.
“She was just a kid herself when she had me. My daddy was a mean SOB and he threatened to kill her if she took me. She believed him. He didn’t want me, not really, but he didn’t want her to have me neither. She tried to get me back after she married her fancy man, but by that time I didn’t want nothing to do with her or my so-called sister. I did the best I could with what I had.”
Emma could see the sadness and pain in Mildred’s eyes. It was with those things that she fed the alcohol and drugs, or perhaps, it was the other way around. It was the holes left inside of her from her mother’s abandonment and her father’s abuse that she had been trying to fill her entire life. Emma didn’t know what to say. It was obvious that Mildred had never considered a different path than the one her father had taken. She probably had believed she wasn’t worthy of something better. It was a painful realization for her. It didn’t make the way her aunt acted excusable, but Emma understood it a little better now.
They were both silent. Emma ate the soup that Darla had brought her and then washed the bowl. Just as she was heading back to her room Mildred looked back at her.
