by Brisa Starr
I’m standing in the kitchen, when the dogs let me know Jenna has pulled into the driveway. It’s funny how dogs have that sense when their owners return, as though they can tell the make, model, and year of a car from the sound of the engine five hundred feet away. A few minutes later, there’s a knock at the door, which is polite of her, given it’s her home.
I open the door and see Jenna smiling, and I smile back and gesture for her to come in, as the dogs go mad to see their mama.
Jenna sets down her suitcase and pats the dogs to calm them.
“Hi ya, Alyson. It’s good to see you,” she says and gives me a hug, and I wouldn’t think this was weird, but she hugs me a little longer… like she knows something is amiss. Not to mention, there’s the heart I wear on my sleeve, which is pulsing bright neon and screams of my distraught existence.
“Now, honey,” she says and goes to the refrigerator to get us some water. She sits down next to me at the bar and assesses me with friendly, narrowed eyes. It’s unnerving because she has the same deep, dark, and soul-stirring blue eyes that Adron has. I wonder if she’s channeling him, and I blink twice.
“Obviously, something is wrong,” she says. “Adron hasn’t said anything to me yet, but I knew you two were together. I see his car isn’t here. Where is he? It’s too early in the day for him to be out running errands.”
“He said he had a client meeting in Tucson.”
“Oh?” she says, a strange hint of doubt threading her expression.
What? Did he lie again?
“Oh,” she says again, only this time, her eyebrows lift slightly, like she’s putting pieces together.
“What do ‘Oh’ and ‘Oh’ mean?” I ask.
She looks at me. “Alyson, Adron wouldn’t go see his Tucson client just for the hell of it, when they can collaborate remotely. Sounds like he just wanted an excuse to get away. So the only reason he would leave you is if something bad happened between you two lovebirds. And seeing as I know the situation with Adron’s life circumstances, my second ’Oh’ was to communicate that… I’m pretty sure I know what he told you.”
I look down at the counter, and tears sting my eyes. I thought I’d cried my last tear for the year, but apparently not.
Jenna puts her hand on mine, and I look up at her. She looks into my eyes with a weird combination of mischief and confidence. “Alyson, don’t you worry your sweet little heart. Everything will work out. You think you did this house-sit randomly? I chose you for a reason. I knew. And I know,” she says mysteriously and stands up. “Everything is going to be just fine. I promise.”
She stands up and takes her cup to the sink and gives the dogs each a biscuit. “I know you plan on leaving shortly. Where are you off to?”
I presume she knows of my impending departure because she saw my bags packed, but then I remember that they’re still in my room. I’m starting to believe she is psychic, and a nervous chill runs down my spine.
“I’m going to Boulder. There’s a family who needs someone right away and, well…” I say and trail off.
“I understand,” she says, and I don’t finish the thought.
An hour later, my car is packed. I close the hatchback on my Prius, and Jenna hands me a brown paper bag. “Here’s some food for the road.” I give Elliott a hug, and Yvon roles over on his back, begging for a belly rub. Not wanting to leave, but knowing I must, I give him an extra long rub.
Jenna and I hug goodbye, and she goes into the house, and I get into my car. I drive down the hill, through town, and then I leave Carefree behind me, expecting to feel at least a little lighter.
But I don’t.
I only feel heavier.
After nine hours of the sound of the wind, engine, and the road under my wheels – and otherwise, silence – I pull into a hotel for the evening. Once I’m in my room, I sit on the bed and open the lunch bag, famished, for the first time after days having zero appetite. My nerves fed my hunger until now, but they finally waved a white flag. It was kind of Jenna to make me food for the road.
I pull out a sandwich, apple, cookies, and napkins. I go to toss the bag off to the side, but there’s a little weight in it, so I must’ve missed something. I look in and snort a small laugh.
Rose quartz.
21
Adron
It’s been a long couple of days in Tucson, and I had hoped it would take my mind off Alyson, but it’s only made everything worse. Every day, it gets harder to breathe. I can’t escape the emptiness, and I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. I need her. I know she’s the one, and we’re meant to be together. But how am I going to get her to forgive me?
However. I’m headed back to Carefree now, and I’m excited that, even though she might not want to see me, I’ll at least be near her. I can watch her water the flowers and take the dogs for walks. Maybe if I inhale strongly enough, I’ll be blessed with the rose and vanilla scent my blood craves.
I pull into Auntie’s driveway, and I see not Alyson’s car, but Auntie’s car. What the fuck?
Shit. I hope everything is okay.
I head straight to the house and walk in. “Auntie?” I call out.
“I’m in the kitchen, dear,” her familiar voice sings.
I come in and immediately ask, “What’s wrong Auntie? Are you okay? Where’s Alyson?”
“Have a seat, honey,” she lovingly pats the bar stool at the counter next to her. My heart sinks deeper, which I didn’t know was possible, as she proceeds to tell me about coming back early and Alyson leaving. She tries to sooth my tattered nerves with promises of everything “working out,” but I have to get out of here. I need some air. I give her a hug and go to the casita, feeling more lost than ever.
She’s gone.
She went to fucking Boulder.
She doesn’t want me in her life.
I’m so tired. My schedule is completely whacked because of staying up during the day for client meetings and attempting sleep at night, but not getting any because I can’t stop thinking about her. I close the window and shutters, blast the air-conditioning, and collapse on the bed. My exhausted and love-torn body finally succumbs to sleep, after days without it.
I wake up the next day, back in the familiar bed of the casita, and see that it’s the middle of the day. I slept a long time. I needed it. I make myself a double espresso before heading into the punishing heat and doing my exercises. It’s extra humid today because the monsoon storms are going to roll in later, so the heat feels more intense and stifling than usual. I don’t care though; I welcome the discomfort. Anything to distract me from the pain that’s gripping my heart.
Evening rolls around, and I make my way through my special bottle of tequila. It’s almost gone, and I anchored the taste of it to Alyson, so I drink more, at first wanting to relive our time together, but then later trying to re-anchor it to now, a time without her.
Fuck.
I miss her so much.
I sit down and try to make music, but I can’t even do that. My soul isn’t even dark anymore, it’s just empty. No words, no notes. At least when it was dark, I could write from that place because something was there. Now, there’s nothing. Just wasted space.
A couple more days pass, and I don’t leave the casita except to exercise. I haven’t shaved in days, and I almost don’t recognize myself in the mirror. Fuck it, don’t care.
There’s an unwelcome knock at my door, and I tense up.
“Adron? Honey, open up.”
Shit. I roll off the bed and stumble to the door. I open it and gesture for my Auntie to come in. She sees the empty tequila bottle.
“Don’t worry, it wasn’t all bad,” I say.
She wrinkles her nose and squints her eyes like they burn. “Good lord, Adron, you look and smell like death.”
Auntie sits at my music station, covered in papers and crap, which leaves me the bed to sit on. I take a deep breath and wait for her to speak. She came to tell me something.
“So. When are you gonna go?” she asks, piercing me with sparkling and perceptive eyes. She folds her hands in her lap, and her fingers are ringed with crystals. She’s wearing all rose quartz today, and I know what she’s up to.
I play dumb. I don’t want to go there.
“What you mean? Do what?” I ask and yawn, pretending to be disinterested.
“Go after her, Adron. What do you think I mean?” she snaps, her words, popping like firecrackers, which gets my attention.
“Auntie, I can’t go after her. She doesn’t want to see me. She hasn’t answered any of my text messages or calls.” My shoulders slump.
“Well, what did you expect?” She stands up, throwing her hands in the air. “Adron, you scared the crap out of her, and she got hurt. She just doesn’t realize that what you did was a mistake, and that you didn’t see any better choice at the time.” She sits down next to me on the bed and puts her hand on my knee. “Do you think it was true love?”
I think about that. I thought it was. I felt the kinds of things that people write songs and books and poetry about. I thought she was the one, because she loved my darkness as much as my light. I saw a life with her, a future. I wanted to have a family with her and live with her forever.
I look up at my Auntie. “Yes.”
“Well, then I’ll let you in on a secret, Adron. You can’t experience love like that if it’s not reciprocated. You do not love without somebody else loving you back. Not that kind of love. Otherwise, if it’s a one-way road, it’s infatuation. Or lust, or it’s just hope. But for true love, there’s this security, and this connection. It’s unmistakable. And you had it.” She pokes me in the forehead. “It just got a little sidetracked.”
“I would love nothing more than to go get her,” I say. “Have her forgive me, and put this fucking nightmare behind us.” I flop back on the bed, looking at the ceiling.
“Adron, she’s the one, honey. She’ll come back to you, but you gotta go get her.”
Leave it to my Auntie to speak in riddles.
“I don’t even know where she is.”
“Do you think I would come out here and tell you to go after her, if I didn’t have an address for you to go to?”
“You have an address?” I sit up and turn to her expectantly.
“Well, I saw that she left some clothes in the dryer, accidentally, I’m sure. So I messaged her and asked her where I could have them delivered.” She cracks a smile. “But I didn’t tell her how I would have them delivered.”
I close my eyes and I take a deep breath, holding it for a long time and then exhaling. A smile tugs at my mouth for the first time in days.
I’m going to go get her.
I jump up and pull my Auntie in for a hug, giving her a big kiss on the cheek.
“Adron, please, yes, go, but for the love of god, take a shower and shave first.”
“I’m gonna do this. I’m going to make it right, but I’m not showing up empty-handed, and I don’t mean just her clothes.”
“I know, honey,” she says and leaves the casita.
My heart feeling lighter and pumping pure confidence, I make a plan. I drink another espresso, take a shower and get dressed, and I pack an overnight bag. I’m not coming back without her. I drive into Scottsdale and make a stop before venturing out for the thirteen-hour drive to Boulder, which I’ll do in ten. If I drive straight through, I’ll arrive tomorrow morning.
I pull up to the front of the house in Boulder and see Alyson’s Prius parked in the driveway. I park in the street and walk to the front door, the cloudless sky bright and blue above me.
I stand up straighter, excited to see her. Let’s do this.
I knock on the front door. She doesn’t answer. After a minute, I wonder if she knows it’s me and is ignoring me. Too fucking bad. I knock on the door again, “Alyson, open up. I have to see you.”
There’s no answer. Hm. I go back and wait in my car, still watching the front door. It doesn’t open. Maybe she’s out walking a dog or something.
Twenty long-ass minutes pass, plenty of time for my guts to twist and untwist itself in knots. It’s then that something compels me to look in my rear-view mirror, and I’m blessed with a sight for sore eyes.
She’s walking up the road, a leash in her hand connected to a big golden retriever. She’s wearing her sexy, short jean shorts and a red tank top, tight across her chest.
I can finally breathe again.
I watch her, and she looks up and sees my car. I get out, and although I’m not rewarded with her breaking into a tearful smile and running into my arms like in the movies, I don’t see anger either. Or even emptiness. I think I see a glint of hope in her eyes.
“You’re here,” she whispers when she reaches me.
“Yes.”
“Still a man of few words, I see.” She walks up the sidewalk to the house. Since she hasn’t told me to leave, I follow her. She unlocks the door and steps inside. When I don’t follow her in, she turns around and looks at me. I raise my eyebrows to her in a question, and she shrugs her acceptance.
She sees the paper bag I’m carrying, and I hand it to her. “You left these at my Auntie’s.”
She smiles, finally, albeit a small one, and says, “You drove them all the way here?”
“Yes,” I say and wait a beat. “Isn’t that what you do for love?”
She lowers her eyes, and her breath hitches in her chest. She unhooks the leash from the dog, and he jumps up onto the couch, circling three times before lying down in what looks like his spot.
I reach up and tilt her chin up with my hand, daring to touch her, and she looks at me. Tears fill her frightened eyes, and the electricity I’ve missed surges through me. I take a deep breath, her vanilla rose hitting my nostrils, and it calms me like a drug.
Showtime.
“Alyson, please hear me out.”
She walks over to the couch and sits by the big dog, and he turns so he can rest his head on her lap. I sit down by her, facing her, taking her hand in mine. She doesn’t pull away, and I’ve missed the petal-soft feel of her skin. The energy still flowing bravely between us encourages me.
Just then, a fucking garbage truck rumbles by, loud enough that I have to pause until it’s quiet again. A long ten seconds later, I continue.
“Alyson, I love you. I love you so much it takes my fucking breath away. I should’ve told you everything after I met you, knowing that there was something powerful there. Even though I don’t know what I would’ve said, or how I would’ve told you, I still wish I had.” I shake my head, trying to clear the thoughts.
“Adron…” she starts.
I hold my hand up to stop her. “It had nothing to do with the money for me. I mean, sure, the money is substantial. Mind-blowing great. I like money and the life it gives me and would give us. But it’s worthless to me without you.”
“My parents were pressuring the hell out of me, scared for themselves. It was incredibly unfair of my grandfather to put their inheritance on my shoulders, but he was a sneaky fucker. And I think he knew it would make me more likely to fulfill my end. He wanted me to take love seriously and find it for myself.”
“Adron…” she tries again, and I stop her.
“Please, just wait, Alyson. I would do anything to wake up and look into your eyes every day. I gave my heart to you, and you gave yours to me. I promise I will never keep anything from you again, and I will only honor you, and worship you, and love you, and adore you forever. I’m not leaving Boulder without you, and I don’t give a fuck if I have to sleep in my car out front, I will badger you until you come to your senses and realize that you are mine. Forever. You told me you were, you promised, and I’m holding you to that.”
Tears trickle out of her eyes and I don’t know if she’s crying tears of joy or sadness, because her face is not sharing the secrets of her mind.
“Adron, can I have a turn now?”
“Yes,” I grumble, my gut twisting.
“I’m sorry, too.” She bites her ruby lip, and I’m silent, holding out hope it keeps getting better.
“I love you. I love you so much, and I’m sorry that I pulled the ripcord.”
I look at her, my eyebrows wrinkled.
She continues, “I said I loved you in Carefree, and I gave you my heart, but it was conditional on you being perfect. And when you fucked up, I pulled the ripcord to save myself, leaving you. I got scared and ran, just like I always do.
“But I realize that love is more than that. It’s compassion, and forgiveness, and it sticks. The love we had…” she touches my face and I swallow hard, “the love we have, sticks. Sticks like sticky buns, or taffy. You know, the kind you can’t get out of your teeth.” She laughs softly. “It means staying, even if it’s tough. Though, I’m not condoning what you did!” She wags her finger at me.
I exhale.
Holy shit. She loves me.
Still.
“Adron, I’m so glad you came for me. I was lost. I don’t know what I would have done...” she says, trailing off.
I grab her and pull her onto my lap and kiss her hard, sucking the breath out of her. She runs her hands through my hair, pulling and clawing, unleashing promises and love. My chest fills with hope, warmth, and passion. I wrap my arms so tight around her she whimpers in desire.
I have to have her.
Oh, my fucking god, I have to have her now.
But wait. There’s something else.
I pull back and she looks at me, dazed from being thoroughly kissed. I reach into my pocket and pull out the ring I bought for her. I hand her the box, and she slowly takes it from my hand.
She doesn’t open it though. She reaches out and her finger grazes my cheek, burning my skin with the most delicate of touches. I grab her hand and kiss her knuckles and then release it so she can open the box.
