The Found: A Crow City Novel

by Cole McCade

  Rape changes you. Forever. And sometimes you’ll grasp on to anything you can to feel like yourself again, and to try to normalize your relationship to every last part of you when rape has changed the very context of your existence.

  Sometimes rape fantasies are brief, intense, existing in the moment to satisfy a short-term need and often involving faceless perpetrators acting on the fantasizer or some avatar of the fantasizer. Sometimes they’re more in-depth and with defined character roles that become a story, blending emotional entanglement, love, and trauma in a way that many wouldn’t understand unless they’ve been victims of sexual assault themselves; in a way that reminds us that despite what was done to us, despite what society would tell us about how tarnished we are, we are still worthy of being loved. That reminds us that even as we relive our trauma in a way that’s safe for us…we are still desirable, human, and deserving of another person’s adoration and devotion, even if in the fantasy it takes shape in ways we would never accept from someone in real life.

  I won’t pretend that rape fantasies aren’t a product of rape culture, and I won’t pretend rape culture isn’t omnipresent and terrible. They are, and it is. But for rape survivors like me, like so many people both male and female, rape fantasies aren’t about normalizing rape and rape culture. They’re about reclaiming our sexuality when someone else forcibly took it away from us, and forcibly redefined how we relate to ourselves, our bodies. They’re about taking something that was violently imposed on us and changing it into something we desire, allowing us to rewrite the narrative in a way that helps us work past the trauma. They’re about giving us someone to relate to, someone who understands the confusing turmoil of dissecting involuntary physical response, someone who’s gone through the same cycles of self-blame, recrimination, shame—where even if those aren’t pleasant experiences, it’s still soothing to connect with someone else dealing with them, even in fiction. It’s about ownership: of ourselves, of our fantasies, of our desires. If rape is less about sex and more about power, then post-traumatic rape fantasies are about diminishing the power our trauma has to continue to damage us, and thus diminishing the continued power our rapist has over us. It’s a form of self-healing.

  It’s not disgusting.

  It’s also not for everyone. I understand that. God, do I. That’s why there’s a trigger warning at the very start, because not every rape survivor indulges in rape fantasies as a coping mechanism. Some are triggered by the slightest implication of anything that echoes those traumatic experience(s), and I understand and respect that, and would never want anyone to expose themselves to something that hurts them; everyone has to heal and cope in the way that’s best for them. For people who haven’t experienced sexual assault, it could be something that horrifies them because it echoes a violent and pervasive problem in our culture. Or it could be something that isn’t your kink. Hell, for some people rape fantasies are their kink, no trauma involved; they just like reading fantasies, or engaging in consenting non-consent as kink play with a trusted partner and a solid safe word—a form of power play that often answers a deep and unaddressed need. It’s complicated. It’s as complicated as humanity itself, and relegating it to something disgusting that should be shamed also casts shame on rape victims, people who often need the most to be told there’s nothing wrong with you.

  There’s nothing wrong with you, your thoughts, your needs, or whatever you need to do to survive.

  That also doesn’t mean rape fantasies endorse abusive, manipulative relationships—and make no mistake, Priest and Willow’s relationship is warped, bordering on codependent obsessive psychosis. Even if it’s a HFN and not a HEA and we can only imagine whether things turn out perfectly off-screen or if they go up in terrible I-should-have-known-better flames, there is nothing healthy about this. Nothing safe. Nothing sensible. Especially the idea that Willow’s love can somehow heal and change Priest, when in real life the promise of change that never comes and belief that love can heal all is what deepens many abusive relationships. It is what it is to provide context for the fantasy, but it’s never something that should be sought in reality, and the majority of people who indulge in rape fantasies know how to compartmentalize and separate. Abuse is abuse, and the purpose of rape fantasy as a coping mechanism is not in any way to romanticize or normalize abuse.

  Nor does it mean that people who indulge in rape fantasies actually want to be raped. Exactly the opposite, in fact. You can stop a fantasy at any moment. You can close a book. You can pause video playback. You can say your safe word, and your partner(s) will back off, give you space, let you find your calm. Rape takes your control away; rape fantasy puts you 100% at the helm. Everything that happens is at your discretion, by your choice, often at your direction.

  And for someone made to feel powerless, that can be immensely powerful.

  If you don’t understand that, that’s okay. You don’t have to.

  All I’m asking is that you give us room to breathe, and give us room to be.

  We deal with enough shame from society because we’re told that rape makes us dirty; that we must have been asking for it; that we must have done something to provoke it; that we deserve it for dressing sexy / not dressing sexy enough / smiling at him / walking down that street alone after dark / saying “yes” on a separate occasion / saying “I do” at the altar / existing as female or feminine or agender or gender-ambiguous or at all / looking too feminine / not looking feminine enough / being queer / not identifying as the gender they assume / being drunk / being thin / being fat / being quiet / being bold / breathing / not understanding that boys will be boys / being a boy / saying “no” past some imaginary threshold where rapists think you aren’t allowed to change your mind.

  For women, being raped comes with the entirety of centuries of ingrained cultural misogyny, piled on in a crushing weight that demands women abandon their autonomy to be available to all men at all times, or risk punishment. For men, being raped comes with the hammer of toxic masculinity, engraved with such maxims as “men can’t get raped” and “fucking queerbait wanted it.” No one asks for that. No one wants that. No one wants the cruel and terrible eye of judgmental society turned on them in their most vulnerable moment, when what they need most is not judgment but support. Empathy. Kindness.

  So if you can’t understand, you can at least be kind. Back off. You can hate rape culture and hate the act of rape without turning that hatred on rape victims and our coping methods; while those methods aren’t a substitute for counseling and a strong support network, sometimes they’re all we have. The rest of society is already busy condemning rape victims just for being raped.

  Don’t condemn us for being fierce enough to adapt and fight our way back to the light anyway, even while finding a way to embrace the dark.

  And if reading a dirty book helps someone feel better about the immeasurable trauma inflicted on them?

  Good.

  For more ways to support or find support for survivors:

  • RAINN: www.rainn.org

  • Not Alone: www.notalone.gov

  • After Silence: www.aftersilence.org

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  AS ALWAYS, I COULD NEVER do this without the support of friends, of readers. Nic and Tarah are still kicking me in the bloody arse to keep me moving and motivate me always; Denise and Shanny remind me why I do this, when their enthusiasm gives me a reason to smile. Lyra on those days when I just don’t want to wake up, don’t want to bother, reminding me why I do. Sabrina for keeping me on track, and walking every step of this road with me.

  And every last one of my readers, for joining me on these strange journeys I take you down and trusting me to lead you out the other side. This is for you. It’s always for you.

  Thank you.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  COLE MCCADE IS A NEW ORLEANS-BORN SOUTHERN BOY without the Southern accent, currently residing somewhere in Seattle. He spends his days as a suit-and-tie corporate consultant and business
writer, and his nights writing contemporary romance and erotica that flirt with the edge of taboo—when he’s not being tackled by two hyperactive cats.

  He also writes genre-bending science fiction and fantasy tinged with a touch of horror and flavored by the influences of his multiethnic, multicultural, multilingual background as Xen Sanders. He wavers between calling himself bisexual and calling himself queer, but no matter what word he uses he’s a staunch advocate of LGBTQIA and POC representation and visibility in genre fiction. And while he spends more time than is healthy hiding in his writing cave instead of hanging around social media, you can generally find him in these usual haunts:

  • Email: blackmagic@blackmagicblues.com

  • Twitter: @thisblackmagic

  • Facebook: facebook.com/xen.cole

  • Tumblr: thisblackmagic.tumblr.com

  • Facebook Fan Page: facebook.com/ColeMcCadeBooks

  • Website & Blog: www.blackmagicblues.com

  He’s recently launched the Speak Project, an online open-access platform where anyone can anonymously or openly share or read stories of abuse – a way for survivors to overcome the silencing tactics of abusers to speak out against what was done to them, and let other survivors know they’re not alone.

  • blackmagicblues.com/speak

  He also runs an advice column called Dammit, Cole, where he occasionally answers questions about everything from romance and dating to the culture of hypermasculinity, from the perspective of a male romance author:

  • www.blackmagicblues.com/category/dammit-cole

  Looking for more? You can get early access to cover reveals, blurbs, contests, and other exclusives by joining the McCade’s Marauders street team at:

  • facebook.com/groups/mccadesmarauders

  THE CROW CITY SERIES

  THE LOST: A CROW CITY NOVEL (CROW CITY #1)

  Haunting erotica with the taboo appeal of V.C. Andrews.

  goodreads.com/book/show/26119463-the-lost

  Praise from Publishers Weekly: “If the romantic character study is a genre, this fascinating contemporary novel is its exemplar. McCade digs deep into the difficult topics of rape, incest, and sexual abuse via the remarkable voice of Clarissa Leigh VanZandt.”

  On the day Leigh threw her perfect life away to disappear into the streets of Crow City, she gave up on love. She gave up on happiness. But her addiction to nothingness brings her to Gabriel Hart—the one man who can satisfy the desperate needs of her body and soul, who gives her the roughness she craves, who understands her the way no one else can. Yet she can’t escape her past, the predator stalking her memories…or the lonely ache for what she left behind, and the loss of the most precious thing in her life.

  THE FALLEN (CROW CITY #1.5)

  A broken man. A promise. And no reason left to hold on.

  goodreads.com/book/show/28247849-the-fallen

  Reconnect with Gabriel, Maxi, and Gary in this free side story and glimpse into Gabriel Hart’s life before he met Leigh. Gabriel once thought he was indestructible—but when grief brings him low, it takes a hard and painful journey to teach him how to live again, and how to survive long enough to find his way back to the light, to the people who love him, and to a reason to fight.

  THE FOUND (CROW CITY #2)

  Witness to a murder. Kidnapped by a monster. Prisoner to his whims—and to her own desires.

  goodreads.com/book/show/31291756-the-found

  Willow Armitage’s world is falling apart; between getting fired and caring for her chronically ill father, she’s had little room for anything but survival. But that survival hangs in the balance the night she stumbles into a back alley—and watches a stranger die at the hands of the most beautiful man she’s ever seen. Lethal. Powerful. Unstable. Terrifying. The contract killer known only as Priest is a dangerous unknown, and when Willow wakes tied to a chair in his hideout, the only thing she sees in his fox-gold eyes is death. Yet for Priest, Willow is a dilemma: an innocent, a saint among the sinners he cuts down in the streets of Crow City…and a woman he desires far more than he should.

  OTHER BOOKS BY COLE MCCADE

  A SECOND CHANCE AT PARIS (BAYOU’S END #1)

  A second chance at Paris. A second chance at love.

  goodreads.com/book/show/23505829-a-second-chance-at-paris

  Sweet, lighthearted contemporary romance with the joie de vivre of Paris. Author Ion Blackwell is captivated by astrophysicist Celeste London’s beauty and brains; a chance meeting in Paris brings her into his life, little knowing he’s already met her in high school as punky geek girl Mary Haverford. Celeste has reasons for hiding her identity—but when Ion discovers the truth, will her deception stop them from taking a second chance on love?

  ZERO DAY EXPLOIT (BAYOU’S END #1.5)

  A free side story and companion novella to A Second Chance at Paris.

  goodreads.com/book/show/24216178-zero-day-exploit

  Zero day exploit (noun): 1. An attack that penetrates a previously unknown vulnerability in a computer or system. 2. The kind of infuriating, manipulative man who gets under your skin and refuses to get out. And now, a one-night stand may turn out to be the biggest mistake of Zoraya Blackwell’s career.

  SOMETIMES IT STORMS

  Part of the IPPY Award-winning Winter Rain charity anthology benefiting RAINN.org.

  goodreads.com/book/show/22880874-winter-rain

  Ethan has never known how to love without hurting someone—or how to be loved without fear of pain. But Aurelie may be the one person who can understand his personal demons, and teach him how to let someone in.

  WRITING AS XEN SANDERS

  SHATTERPROOF

  Available from Riptide Publishing

  Love only cures everything in fairy tales.

  goodreads.com/book/show/30306399-shatterproof

  Grey Jean-Marcelin wants to die. He thought painting his passion—vivid portrayals of Haitian life and vodou faith—would be enough to anchor him to this world. But it isn’t. And when the mysterious man known only as Saint saves Grey from a suicide attempt, it’s more curse than blessing—until Grey discovers that Saint isn’t just an EMT. He’s a banished fae, and can only survive by draining the lives of everyone he cares for. At first they seem the solution to each other’s desires, until this game of life or death becomes a game of star-crossed love. And if one would live…the other must die.