by A. E. Murphy
We won’t be together and, as much as I want to spend as much time with him as possible over the next six months or so that we actually have left, I need to think about my future. So does he.
I accepted the place to Cambridge University. I go to tour it with my dad next week and I can’t wait.
Isaac doesn’t know yet and I don’t plan on telling him for a while. There’s no need.
God, I hate how much I love him.
It almost hurts.
I know he doesn’t feel the same and I can’t blame him or get angry at him for that. What’s the point? He’s good to me when it matters and he cares about me. He’s risking his career for me. We’re good as we are.
That said, ever since Boxing Day when I gave him his gift and said the words he has been a lot more affectionate and kind. I’ve seen him twice since then and we’ve texted a handful of times.
I can’t wait for class this morning. I just want to look at him for a while.
Unfortunately, when I do walk into class, Isaac isn’t there and the class has been taken over by a temporary teacher, one I’ve never seen before.
He smiles kindly at us all and looks the other way when I pull out my phone to text Isaac asking him where he is. My fear escalates when I don’t get a response and it escalates even more when Miss Hart comes into the room and asks for me directly.
Only one thing goes through my mind.
They know.
“What’s going on?” I ask when she leads me from the room to a private part of the hall.
“I thought you’d want to know.” She shifts on the spot, her eyes round with sadness. It’s not exactly how I imagined this entire thing to begin. I thought there’d be threats and yelling. “Judith got out this morning.”
Blink. “I’m sorry… what?”
“Judith. She left the house this morning and nobody has seen her since. It’s not unusual for people in her condition to go wandering off.”
My heart stops entirely. “I… I have to go and look for her.”
“I’d go, but Isaac,” she clears her throat and lowers her voice. “Mr Price asked me to hold down the fort here. He told me not to tell you, but I felt like with how close you all are…”
“Thank you.” I suddenly have a deep respect for this woman. I shake my head to clear it. “What happened?”
“Well, Isaac got a call at six from his father. He didn’t say much before he left.” Before he left? “He just said his mum had wandered off and to take care of things at the school. He called me an hour ago and asked me not to tell you.”
“Oh my god.” I feel an insane burn in my chest, one of rage mixed with concern. Rage at the fact that… oh god… I can’t even think about it. “I… have to go. Will you sign me out? I need to help look for her.” I’ll figure out the situation with Isaac and Miss Hart later. For now I need to look for Judith.
“Of course. You go and do what you need to do. I’m sorry you had to find out from me. I’m sure they would have called, but Isaac left his phone back at his apartment.”
My heart implodes and somehow I keep my face passive. “I’ll call Mr Price Senior.”
“Will you call? When you know anything?” She asks softly, her hand on my shoulder.
“Yeah, no doubt,” I assure her, still dazed and suddenly feeling the urge to vomit.
Isaac
I sit in my parent’s house feeling useless as Susanna and my father search the town for my mum. I have to keep reminding myself that she couldn’t have gotten far.
I should be searching with them, but Susanna has the medication to sedate my mother if she becomes distressed and someone needs to be here in case mum comes back on her own. It’s lunch time and I don’t have a clue what to do. I pace back and forth, lost without my phone but too scared to leave the house to fetch it, just in case my mum returns while I’m gone.
Eloise… I can’t think about her right now. When she finds out, she’s going to kill me.
The door opens only twenty minutes later.
“I just wanted lemonade. That’s all I wanted.” The sound of my mother’s voice has me jumping from my seat. “I just wanted lemonade!”
“We’re home; she’s fine.” Eloise speaks into her phone, which is pressed tightly to her ear. She leads my mother into the dining room, her eyes on my mum, never once coming to me. “She’ll probably need a bath.”
“Can you get me some lemonade? I’d love some lemonade.” My mother rambles and I race to fetch her a glass. “You’re such a pretty girl. What’s your name?”
“Eloise,” Elle responds softly as I bring the glass back through.
Elle helps my mother out of her coat, dropping it on the floor. “Go and run the bath ready. Your dad will be back with Susanna soon.” She orders and I don’t hesitate to do what she says.
“You have lovely hair,” is the last thing I hear before the bath starts filling.
As expected, my dad and Susanna arrive moments later, quickly give my mother her medication and then help her into the bath to wash the dirt and grime from her skin. Eloise piles the clothing into the washing machine with laundry from the pile in the bedroom.
She still hasn’t spoken to me. She must be in shock.
“Where was she?” I ask softly while she drinks a full glass of water.
“Behind the old newspaper building, looking for lemonade.”
“How the hell did you find her?”
“Pure luck.” She washes her hands and pushes past me. “I’ll see you later, Mr Price. I have to get back to school.”
“Wait, Elle!” My father calls, but Elle has already gone and is out of the door before he can leave the bathroom. “Where’d she go?”
“She looked upset. I think seeing Mum like that really shook her up.” I lower my voice so Mum doesn’t hear. “She didn’t remember Elle at all.”
Eloise
I bite down on my tongue hard as I stride down the street, needing to put as much distance between myself and that man as possible. Judith is back safe and I can’t stand seeing her like that.
“Elle, wait!” Isaac calls and I finally register the sound of his footsteps following me.
“Not now.”
“Elle… what’s wrong?”
I spin to face him, shocked at his question. I stare at him in disbelief. “You asked me how I found her, but not how I knew.”
He looks confused for a moment before it registers. “Katherine.”
Somebody just took a sledge hammer to my heart, crushing it into smithereens. I can’t breathe. “So it’s true?”
“Wait…” He grips my arm, looking around for any sign of eavesdroppers. I don’t even care right now. “Elle.”
“Did she stay with you last night?”
“It’s not what you…”
Crack.
My hand connects with his face as stinging tears burn trails down my cheeks. “Stay the fuck away from me.”
“Elle, please.”
I rub my aching stomach and clench my jaw in an effort to stop the vomit from rising in my throat.
I turn and run, needing to feel the burn of my thighs and lungs, needing to get away from him…needing beyond all else to kill her. I hate her.
I can’t get the thought of the two of them out of my mind. I feel sick, so fucking sick.
“What are you doing?” He yells, grabbing me and dragging me between two houses. “Stop and listen to me.”
“I don’t want to look at you, let alone listen to you,” I cry, slamming my hands against his chest. “How could you do this to me?”
“I didn’t do anything! Let me explain!” He drags me further down the alley, scared that someone will see or hear us. His hand clamps over my mouth. “She showed up at my door last night. She’d had a few drinks.” My stomach roils. “I tried to get her to leave. She was all over the place.” I’m going to vomit. “I offered her a glass of water and sat her down.” His eyes burn holes in my skull and his hand tightens on my mouth when I try t
o talk. “That was all. She fell asleep; it was late. I couldn’t get her to move, so I left her there. I swear. She was still there when I woke up this morning.”
He finally releases my mouth and until now I didn’t realise he was almost suffocating me. I gulp in a few breaths of air. “So why did you tell her not to tell me?”
“Because I didn’t want to worry you! That and I didn’t want you finding that out from her, but I didn’t have a chance to call because I left my phone at mine.” He releases me completely and leans on the wall opposite. “But she did tell you…” His eyes widen slightly and he curses under his breath. “She knows.”
“Why should I believe you?”
“She went out of her way to tell you?”
I shrug. “She seemed genuinely concerned.”
“No, I mean did she go into detail about her staying at mine.”
I think back to my conversation with Miss Hart in the hall and nod. “Sort of. It was cleverly said.”
“She knows… maybe not everything, but she knows something.”
“Did you fuck her?”
He lurches back, his face twisting in disgust. “No, Elle! Do you genuinely think that little of me? If I wanted to fuck other people I wouldn’t be doing this with you!”
My heart believes him without a doubt, but my head is screaming at me to stop being a stupid bitch and get out of there before I get hurt even worse.
“Christ… What were you going to do?” He snaps, frowning at me.
“I don’t know… I hadn’t thought that far ahead yet.” I wipe away the tears and sniff unattractively.
“Fucking hell.” He pulls me into his chest and strokes my hair soothingly. “I wouldn’t do that to you. You know I would never do that to you. You’re all I need.”
I’m all he needs?
“I feel sick.”
“It’ll pass. You’ll feel better and then we can laugh at how silly we’ve been.”
I shake my head, disbelieving him. “Now it’ll always be in my head. You can have a relationship with her. You can be with her or any other woman. You can go out and have fun, go on dates, cuddle in front of your parents. You can’t do that with me.”
“Elle…” He brushes his lips against my forehead and tilts my head back, using his thumb to wipe away more of my tears. “I only have until August with you.” His reminder of how short our time together really is hits me hard. “Let me enjoy that without the drama.”
“How are we going to handle it when I graduate and go away?”
“We’ll deal with it. You’ll be way too excited to even think about me.” He states, pulling my head back to his chest. I rest my ear against his collar, loving the sound of his steady heartbeat. “Come on, let’s get you home.”
“Elle, Isaac!” We break apart in a second, both of us staring wide eyed down the alley to where Mr Price Senior stands, his hands clenched into fists by his sides. “Get inside now.”
“It’s not what it looks like,” Isaac tries and nods for me to get moving.
“Get the hell inside.” Mr Price hisses, looking angrier than I’ve ever seen him. We do as we’re told, exiting the alleyway before rushing to the house. Mr Price stops me with a hand on my arm and shakes his head. “You go home. I need to talk to my son.”
“I swear it wasn’t…”
“I believe you, but you need to go home so I can speak to my son.” He gives me the stare that only teachers can pull off.
I nod and walk quickly to my mum’s car. Suddenly the whole cheating thing doesn’t seem so bad. Now I have this to contend with.
We just got caught.
Chapter Twenty Four
Eloise
Eloise: Call me!
Eloise: What’s going on?
Eloise: Don’t you get how worried I am?
Eloise: Hello? I know you’re home. Your lights are on and no I’m not stalking you, I just drove past with my dad.
Eloise: Isaac, please… message me or something!
Isaac isn’t in school on Tuesday or Wednesday. Mr Price is, but I daren’t speak to him. I’m scared of what he’ll say. He hasn’t searched for me himself or tried talking to me.
My chest tingles painfully whenever I think about it all. What the hell is going on? Why isn’t he calling me?
I daren’t text him anything else for fear that he’s lost his phone or somebody has handed it in to the authorities, ready to catch us in the act, so to speak. What’s worse is I don’t know whether it’s better for me to avoid and remain silent or better for me to go and speak to Mr Price.
I decide silence at this point is probably the best bet.
Maybe that’s why Isaac hasn’t been in touch.
I decide calling Hayley and having her hang out with me at work will probably help cheer me up to some extent.
It doesn’t. It makes me feel worse when she sits and tells me all about her latest relationship and how they’re both going to Boston together, all happy and seemingly in love.
Isaac
I stare at my old house, the one I could afford to pay for on my old wages. It’s empty when I sign over the deed and I realise just how empty I feel inside.
I bought this house with the idea that I’d probably settle down at some point, not yet but at some point in the future. It’s not huge but it could easily fit a three or four person family.
I call the removal company and make sure that they’ve taken my things to the garage back in my home town. My phone lights up with another message. It’s from Elle but I just can’t deal with that right now.
My dad knows something isn’t right. He didn’t believe my excuse that she was just distraught over what happened with Mum. He didn’t challenge it either, but he did warn me to stay away from her, that he’d be keeping a close eye on things.
I don’t know what to do. With everything that’s happening… my mum, me having to sell this place knowing the chances of me ever coming back are slim to none and my dad needing the money to pay for my mother’s care... The NHS will only provide so much cover and if we don’t start paying the carer for more hours, mum will be put in a home. She still has her mind. She has bad days, but until she’s totally lost every semblance of herself, there’s not a chance she’ll be going into a care home.
I rub my eyes and look around, feeling exhausted after two days of packing and moving shit out of my house.
It’s not mine anymore. I thought it could have been a great place for me to stay and visit Elle if she ever wanted me to.
I should never have been thinking that far ahead. I guess I forgot for a while that I’d have to let her go.
Now I just can’t risk it anymore, but I’m not sure how to let her go yet.
I need to focus on my mum and dad. I need to focus on work. I need to get a second job or something. It’s not like the book I wrote is bringing in any money. It got me enough in the beginning to help buy my house, but now it never leaves the shelves.
I’m fucked.
I have to make a choice: do I risk losing my job and family over a girl I’m not even able to keep? A clever, strong, bold, funny, brave, extremely beautiful, once in a lifetime kind of girl. A girl who has so much going for her, a girl who deserves so much better. She’s just a girl.
Eloise: Please call me. I really need you to call me.
I can’t do this to either of us anymore.
It was stupid to ever start.
I punch the wall. My fist does no damage to the stone, but the stone definitely does damage to my fist. Fuck.
I should have just let her think I cheated on her. I had the perfect opportunity to break her heart so badly that she’d leave me so I wouldn’t have to. Double fuck.
I can’t do that to her though. That kind of shit is damaging. She’ll think she wasn’t good enough and that’s just ridiculous. No. I need to man up and break up properly. No more sneaking around.
Eloise
I’m so sick of everyone ragging on at me. Mum thinks I’m working too h
ard. Dad thinks I need to be home more. My bank account is slowly rising, but not enough for the amount I’m going to need. My grades aren’t slipping but they will if I don’t focus and I really need to focus.
Isaac was the one who made it all better. He was the one who helped me forget. It didn’t matter how tired I felt, or how hard I worked, when I came home to him at the end of the night it was all worth it.
Why won’t he call me? Why won’t he talk to me?
I feel like we’re going around in circles over and over. There’s nothing easy about this anymore.
Nothing.
I just want the heartache to go away.
I want everything to go back to the way it was, but I know it never will.
“Mr Price is back; I just saw his car in the carpark.” Hayley says around a loud yawn.
I nod and drag myself to class. Why did I agree to work after school today? I’m so tired.
She’s right though. He is back, but looking at him doesn’t bring me relief. It only brings me pain. He doesn’t look at me. He doesn’t acknowledge me and he doesn’t even breathe in my direction.
I know what’s coming. I’m not stupid and I don’t blame him.
The thrill and excitement of sneaking around has worn off. We’re no longer fitting and are instead failing.
I feel like crying. I feel like cheering with relief, but most of all I feel like curling into a hole somewhere and vanishing.
This is my fault. I knew this would happen, I just didn’t know how much it would hurt.
How can you love somebody so powerfully? It just doesn’t seem realistic.
I love him so much, but it’s not enough. I love him too much to let him ruin his life. I don’t love him enough to let him ruin mine.
So when the bell rings and he nods for me to stay, I shake my head and quickly type one final text.
