“I know, I know,” he said, looking chagrined. “That was a stupid thing to suggest. I just...” He looked away from her, then back. “I just wish there was something I could do to...” He sighed. “I don’t know.”
“Let’s just drop it,” she replied. She got up and carried her plate to the sink. Her heart ached with painful regrets, bittersweet longings for what might have been. She felt miserable and he looked miserable. “Thanks for the pizza. I think I’ll go back to bed now.” She didn’t give him a chance to say anything more. She fled the kitchen and roused Jackie from the sofa. Together the two of them went up the stairs and into the bedroom.
Once in bed, Sarah realized she’d been fooling herself when she’d thought she was through crying over Reese. Apparently her tears had not all been spent, for fresh ones coursed down her cheeks and she turned her head and cried silently into her pillow.
* * *
Sarah emerged from the bathroom and bumped square into Reese. “Oh...excuse me,” she exclaimed, stepping aside to let him pass. Her eyes didn’t meet his.
He grunted and stepped into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. God, the past three days had been the longest of his life. Ever since Jackie and Sarah had been in the house, he felt like a time bomb ticking to detonation.
Sarah’s presence disturbed him to the point of utter distraction. Jackie’s laughter filled the house, brightening dark corners he hadn’t known existed. He felt as if he were being punished, being offered a glimpse of heaven before he was sent straight to hell.
He never knew sexual tension could reach such a peak. Over the course of the past three days he seemed to be in a continual state of arousal. All it took was a brush of their hands when grabbing for the same butter knife, an unexpected locking of eyes, a sudden whiff of her sweet scent. Her presence was everywhere, taunting him, tormenting him.
Each night he lay in bed, thinking of her in the next room. For the most part sleep remained elusive, and when at last he did manage to fall asleep, he dreamed erotic dreams of her.
He got into the shower and turned the water on so that the hot spray hit him with an almost brutal force, hoping the fierce heat would burn thoughts of Sarah right out of his flesh. Yet somehow he knew the shower wouldn’t do the trick. It wasn’t enough, wasn’t strong enough to battle her very essence. He was possessed by the spirit of Sarah and what he really needed was a powerful exorcism to release her hold on him.
He closed his eyes, able to envision how she had looked when she’d left the bathroom moments before. She’d been clad in a cotton nightgown that covered her from her neck to the floor, and there had been nothing provocative about the gown. And yet Reese thought she’d looked as sexy as he’d ever seen her. Her hair had been pulled up and fastened clumsily with a barrette, leaving damp tendrils clinging to her neck. She’d smelled of fragrant soap and shampoo and he’d immediately thought of the two of them in the shower together, soaping each other, caressing each other.
God... He took a deep breath and turned around and allowed the hot spray to scour his backside. He picked up the bar of soap, wondering if only moments before it had glided over the fullness of her breasts, down the length of her rib cage... Damn it! He ducked his head into the water, sputtering in frustration.
At least he didn’t have to worry about a cozy family scene this evening. Only a few minutes before, Anna and Lindy had picked up Jackie. The three of them were going to eat out then catch a movie and Anna had said she’d have Jackie back by bedtime. That’s when Sarah had decided to take a shower and get into her nightgown.
The only problem with Jackie being gone was that he and Sarah would be alone together for the next couple of hours. He twisted the faucets so that the water spraying out was cold. He needed something to cool him off before he left the bathroom and faced her.
Within minutes, dried and dressed and feeling almost in control, he left the bathroom and followed his nose to the kitchen and the marvelous scent of something wonderful cooking.
“Hmm, something smells delicious,” he said as he entered the kitchen. He was grateful for the fact that a long robe now covered the nightgown he’d glimpsed earlier. She was apparently intending it to be an early night. That was fine with him. If she was smart, she would go into the bedroom and lock the door against him.
She half turned from the stove, a spoon paused in mid-air. “It’s just spaghetti sauce. I know we ate a late lunch but I thought you might be hungry again. I just opened some canned stuff and added some extra spices. Here, taste it.” She held the wooden spoon out to him.
He moved over to where she stood, standing so close to her he didn’t know if the heat he felt emanated from the stove or from her. As she raised the spoon to his lips, her mouth opened unconsciously. The sauce was sweet and tangy, but he hardly tasted it. He was focused on her mouth, the way her tongue darted out to wet her bottom lip.
“Hmm,” he murmured. “Now you taste it.” Before she could bring the spoon to her own mouth, he grabbed her and placed his lips on hers, sharing the lingering taste with her.
“Reese...” she said as she pulled her mouth from his. It wasn’t a protest, rather it was a trembling sigh.
“Don’t tell me no, Sarah.” He looked into her eyes, saw the flickering flames that lighted their violet depths. “If you do, I think we’ll both explode.” He captured her mouth once again.
For a brief moment she stiffened against him, then with a low moan she returned his kiss, molding her body against his in complete surrender. In that instant Reese knew that he was completely out of control, and so was she. The spoon she’d been holding clattered to the floor as her hands entwined around his neck, pulling him more tightly against her.
There was no time for thought, no opportunity for reason. Reese knew only one thing—a rapturous hunger for Sarah, a hunger he knew she felt equally for him.
He plundered her mouth, his tongue easing into the dark recesses that tasted of passion, and she responded in kind, her tongue dueling with his in a heated dance. He kissed her greedily, moving his mouth down her jawline to her ear, where he nibbled hungrily. She moaned, tangling her hands in his hair, crying out as his mouth nipped at the tender flesh in the hollow of her neck.
He tugged at the belt around her waist, loosening the robe and pushing it off her shoulders. It fell to the floor behind her and he pulled her closer against him, his hands caressing her back through the cotton nightgown.
Her fingers fumbled with the fastening of his jeans, her breathing rapid and shallow against his mouth. She emitted little mewling sounds that only fed his hunger, stoked his fever for her.
He pulled her nightgown up and grabbed her buttocks through the thin silk material that covered them. She gasped in pleasure as he splayed his fingers beneath the silk, and at the same time he kicked off his jeans and briefs.
There was no need for prolonged foreplay. They were both ready to culminate what had begun a lifetime ago between them. He lifted her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist. He buried himself in her hot warmth, his knees sagging with the intensity of sensation. Her hands tangled in his hair and she moaned his name, further fevering his desire.
He carried her into the living room and together they fell on the sofa. He was still inside her, surrounded by her velvet warmth, and as he eased himself out then in again, he looked into her eyes, saw the smoky violet hues urging him harder...faster.
Her fingers clutched his shoulders as he moved in a frenzy, each of his thrusts welcomed and returned by her. He knew the moment she reached her peak, felt her tighten and convulse around him, and then he tumbled over the edge, crying out his pleasure...his love.
Silence. Minutes passed and neither of them moved. Reese kept his head buried in the sweetness of her hair, unwilling to break their embrace, unwilling to raise himself up and look into her eyes and see regret. Still, the silence spoke of regret, and Reese closed his eyes, steeling himself to face what would happen next.
“What a
re we doing to each other?” she finally asked. Her voice was filled with a weary defeat that tore at his heart.
He rose up on one elbow and looked at her. “I don’t know,” he said unsteadily.
“I swore to myself I wouldn’t allow this to happen again. But I just don’t seem to have any willpower where you’re concerned.”
“Nor I with you,” he admitted.
She placed her hands on either side of his face, her eyes such a deep violet they were almost black. “I love you, Reese,” she said slowly, as if the very words pained her. “God knows, I’ve tried not to. I don’t want to. But I loved you when I was seventeen and absolutely nothing has changed since that time.”
Her words caused a curling warmth to seep through him, as potent as the heated passion they’d just shared. He closed his eyes, for a moment merely basking in her words. He opened his eyes and looked at her once again. “I love you, too.” The confession was torn from him and left him weak, because he knew it wasn’t the beginning of anything. It was the end.
“Then why?” Her eyes beseeched him. “Why won’t you let us be a part of your life? Why don’t you want to be a father to your daughter?”
Reese sat up, his emotions divided. His body still tingled with the pleasant sensation of their lovemaking. His heart knew there would never be another woman he loved like Sarah. But his head wouldn’t allow him to think beyond the gut-wrenching fear that had always been his closest companion.
“Sarah, I told you a long time ago that I wasn’t father material. I don’t know how to be a father. I never wanted a family. I never wanted children. They expect too much...need too much.”
“But you are a father.” Again her voice was soft, but filled with deep emotion.
“And it’s because I love you both that I can’t be a part of your life.” Anger, sorrow and regret all pressed tightly against his chest, and to his horror he felt tears burning his eyes.
He stood up and stalked into the kitchen, where he grabbed his clothes and quickly put them on. His hands shook as he zipped his jeans and buttoned his shirt. Then, picking up her robe, he carried it back into the living room, where she hadn’t moved from the sofa.
He paced back and forth before her, his insides in turmoil. “Sarah, I don’t know how to be what you and Jackie need.”
“Just be yourself—that’s enough.” She took the robe from him and slipped it on, belting it firmly around her slender waist. She stood up and approached where he stood. “Reese, you say you don’t know how to be a father, but what do you think you’ve been doing for the last three days? You’ve made her breakfast and you’ve played games with her.” She placed her hand on his arm, the touch killing him. “You listen to her when she talks and you answer her questions with thought and patience. You tuck her in at night and tell her she’s safe and she believes you. That’s what being a father is all about.”
Suddenly she was angry. He could see it in the violet flare of her eyes, the rapid rise and fall of her chest. “Damn it, Reese, you’ve been angry with me ever since I came back to Clay Creek and you discovered Jackie’s existence. You’ve been mad because I didn’t tell you I was pregnant, I didn’t give you a chance to do anything about it. Now I’m giving you a choice—a chance to make everything right.”
Again emotions pressed tightly against his chest. “But the fact is, you didn’t believe in me six years ago.”
“And what did you give me to believe in? You were so angry, so filled with rage, so certain that all you wanted to do was leave Clay Creek and start over someplace else. Had I pushed you, made you do the right thing and marry me, how long would it have taken for you to grow to hate me, hate our child?”
Reese didn’t answer, he couldn’t. There was nothing to say. He knew the truth in her words.
She sighed. “Reese, you’re like a fugitive, running from the law, only in this case you’re running from the two people who love you most.”
He moved over to the window and stared outside, his fear a living, breathing power inside him. It was greater than his fear that he wouldn’t be what Sarah and Jackie needed. It was deeper than that.
He was eight years old again, bewildered by the physical abandonment of his mother, dazed by the emotional distancing of his father. The two people he’d needed most hadn’t found anything redeeming in him. They hadn’t needed him, hadn’t wanted him.
He couldn’t give his heart again, couldn’t watch two more people he loved walk away from him when he screwed everything up. It was easier to be the one who walked away. He turned back to face Sarah, loving her so much, so intensely that his chest ached with it. “I can’t, Sarah. You’re better off without me. I can’t do what you want. You were right years ago. You did the right thing in getting as far away from me as you could. I would have eventually destroyed you.”
“Damn you, Reese,” she cried, her voice trembling. “What are you so afraid of? You aren’t your father. You could never be a father like him. You aren’t that angry, bitter boy anymore. You’ve outgrown him. Don’t let the past destroy our future. Don’t turn your back on us. Let us be in your life.”
Reese held his hands out to her, a gesture of helplessness. “I can’t, Sarah. Don’t hate me...I just can’t.”
Tears glistened on her lashes and there was a profound sadness on her face. Her anger was gone. Her face seemed to sag with weary resignation. “We couldn’t ever hate you, Reese. You hate yourself enough for all of us.” A tear fell onto her cheek. She swiped it away, then turned and silently went back up the stairs, leaving Reese the way he had been for most of his life...alone.
Chapter 13
The phone rang in the silence of the night. A curious dread swept through Sarah, mingling with a sense of déjà vu, as she tried to climb out of sleep to consciousness. She didn’t like phone calls in the middle of the night—they always brought bad news. Middle-of-the-night phone calls brought death.
Still half-asleep, Sarah fumbled on the nightstand for the receiver, then remembered she was in Reese’s spare bedroom and there was no phone there. She lay back down, her hand automatically checking to make sure that Jackie was still asleep next to her. The little girl had come home from the movie bubbling and happy and had gone right to bed.
Sarah sat up as a faint knock fell on her door. She got up and grabbed her robe from the end of the bed. Wrapping it around her, she opened the door to Reese. “What is it? What’s happened?” she asked anxiously, the somber look on his face letting her know the call had not been pleasant.
“It’s Lindy, Sarah.” He put his hands on her shoulders as if to brace her. “She’s in the hospital.”
“Oh my God, what happened?” Sarah asked, her heart jumping into her throat.
“She apparently tried to commit suicide. She took some sleeping pills. They’ve pumped out her stomach and she’s stabilized, but she’s asking for you.”
Sarah closed her eyes, a wave of despair washing over her. She should have seen this coming. She should have known that the death of Lindy’s dog would hit her hard. Lindy had already peaked in her most recent manic phase and had been coming down. The death of Peanuts had apparently shoved her over the edge.
“Oh God, Reese,” she finally gasped, and sagged against him. Their earlier fight was momentarily forgotten as she sought the strength of his arms. “I should have insisted she come here with us. I should have kept a closer eye on her. I should have never let her go to Anna’s by herself.”
She pushed herself away from his warmth, realizing she needed to get dressed, get to Lindy.
Once again Reese grabbed her shoulders and steadied her. “Sarah, don’t blame yourself for this,” he said gently. “Lindy needs your help and support, not your guilt.”
She nodded, realizing he was right. “I know... I’ll just get Jackie up and we’ll—”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Reese briskly interrupted. “There’s no reason to wake Jackie. There’s certainly nothing she can do. They won’t allow her in the hosp
ital rooms—she’s too young. Let her sleep. I’ll be here with her.”
“Are you sure?” she asked hesitantly. Coming as it did on the heels of their most recent discussion, she was reluctant to take advantage of his offer. Still, she knew he was right, and, besides Jackie would probably stay asleep while she was gone.
“I said it was fine,” he assured her. “Now get dressed and get down to the hospital.”
She gave him a quick smile of thanks, then went back into the bedroom. She turned on the bedside lamp, grateful Jackie didn’t stir from her sleep. She grabbed a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt and pulled them on, her thoughts once again on her sister.
Pills. Where would she have gotten pills? Surely she wouldn’t have swallowed a handful of her medication. Damn it, Sarah should have checked Lindy’s medicine. She didn’t even know what Lindy took.
She replayed Reese’s words in her mind. He’d said she’d taken sleeping pills. Sarah hadn’t seen any sleeping pills at the farm. Had Lindy kept them hidden somewhere, then packed them along with her clothes, planning to end her own personal agony?
One thing was certain. It was time Sarah took Lindy’s medical well-being in hand. She wasn’t going to wait around for Ben to get Lindy an appointment with a doctor in Kansas City. Lindy needed to see somebody immediately, at least before she was released from the hospital. Even though Clay Creek was small, surely the hospital had some sort of psychotherapist on staff for suicide attempts.
Dressed, she turned out the light and left the bedroom and went down the stairs. She found Reese sitting in the living room. He rose as she entered, a frown puckering his forehead. “I don’t like the idea of you taking off and leaving to drive to the hospital alone in the middle of the night.”
“I’ll be fine,” she assured him, despite the small niggling of fear his words created. “There’s no way all this could have been orchestrated by anyone. I’ll drive straight to the hospital and straight back here. I’ll be fine.”
Fugitive Father Page 17
