“It wasn’t like that.”
She lifted a brow. “What was it like then?”
He didn’t answer immediately, He wanted to tell her that he loved her and wanted a future with her, but he knew her anger would force her to throw the words back at him. He wanted to tell her that his actions were not premeditated, that his relationship with her hadn’t been part of some diabolical scheme.
She stood up. “Just like I thought. I think you should go now.”
Jake felt they had played this scene before. Eleanor asks how he feels and he holds back. Not this time. “I’m not through yet.”
“I think you are,” she countered, impatiently tapping her foot on the hardwood floor.
He looked down at his folded hands then raised his gaze to her. “I met with my father a couple of days ago,” he began.
“This doesn’t interest me, Jake,” she said, but it did interest her.
“Anyway,” he continued, as if she hadn’t spoken, “we talked like we hadn’t talked in a long time. He understands what I’m doing, Eleanor. Why can’t you understand? Why does this have to come between us?”
She strode to the door and grabbed the knob. “Oh, I understand, all right. I understand that proving something to your father is more important than keeping your word to me. That’s what I understand.”
He shook his head. “I haven’t lied to you, Eleanor. My only sin was keeping you out of my discussions with Buddy Hamilton.”
“Don’t forget selling out my newspaper,” she added, her eyes full of anger and hurt. The anger he could handle, but it almost killed him to see the hurt. And to know that he had put it there.
“I haven’t sold out your paper,” he said calmly. “Buddy Hamilton—”
“I don’t want to hear about Buddy Hamilton. You knew how I felt about Hamilton News and you still went behind my back and made plans to align my newspaper with them. Don’t tell me you didn’t think that would make me angry.”
“I thought I could make you understand,” he said, but he knew his words fell on deaf ears. Eleanor wasn’t ready to listen to him. Yet. “I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I was trying to help myself. And us. My plan can benefit both of us.”
She dropped her hand from the doorknob and propped it on her hip. “The paper is everything is me, Jake. I’ve told you over and over that I want complete control. Why did you even consider a deal with Hamilton News? They’re control freaks.”
“It’s not as bad as you think. They were willing to deal on a lot of issues.”
Eleanor shook her head. “I don’t want to hear it. This paper belongs to the Sanders family. I don’t want anyone else involved in it.”
“You were willing to let Mason Publishing become involved,” he noted carefully.
“That’s because I let you deceive me. Like a fool, I thought caring feelings were associated with your erotic touches. I was wrong.” She eyed him. “What was I, Jake? A summer fling, after all?”
Jake stood up and went to her. “It wasn’t like that. How many times do I have to tell you?”
She reached for the door and opened it. “You don’t have to tell me anything again. Get out.”
He touched her cheek with the back of his hand and she moved her head away. “I’m going to prove to you it was more than that for me.”
He stepped out of the door and she slammed it behind him.
***
Eleanor settled back on her bed with the latest Evelyn Coleman mystery, hoping to take her mind off her troubles for at least a short time. Making that call to Hamilton News was the hardest thing she’d ever done. But she’d had to do it. If Jake had made a deal with the devil, she had to know the details of it before she could fight it. At this point, she didn’t trust Jake enough to believe his statement of the facts.
The sound of her doorbell startled her. She quickly jumped up from the bed, tightened the belt on her robe, and ran to the door. A part of her wondered if it was Jake. “Who is it?”
“It’s me, Eleanor,” her father’s voice answered.
Eleanor sighed, not sure if she was happy or sad it wasn’t Jake, then opened the door. Her father stood there still dressed from his day at the office. “Is something wrong, Dad?”
Mathias shook his head. “I wanted to talk to you. I haven’t seen you much around the paper.”
Eleanor stood back so he could enter the cottage. “Carl and Jake are taking care of everything, aren’t they?”
Mathias entered the cottage and eased onto the couch. “Of course, but I still miss you. I’ve been worried about you.”
Eleanor leaned against the mantel in front of him. “There’s no need to worry. I’m taking care of business.”
“That’s what I’m worried about,” Mathias muttered. He patted the space next to him. “Come over here and sit down.”
She moved over to him. “What’s wrong?”
He took her hand in his. “I don’t want you to fight Jake on this.”
“What?” She tried to pull her hand away but his hold tightened.
“You heard me. I don’t want you to fight Jake on this.”
“Why not?” she asked, wondering what Jake or his father had said to her father to make him give up so easily.
“Because we need a change around here.”
“What did Randolph say to you, Dad? How did he convince you to go along with Jake?”
Mathias shook his head slowly. “Randolph didn’t have to say anything. This is my decision.”
She jerked on her hand again, but still he wouldn’t release it. “I bet this is your idea. Just like it was your idea to bring Mason Publishing into our business. Why are you letting those people use us?”
“Is that what you think I’m doing?”
The tinge of sadness in his voice almost stopped her words. “That’s what it looks like. First, you bring them here against everything you’ve ever taught me and now you’re willing to let them throw our paper willy-nilly at Hamilton News. What’s happening to you?”
Mathias patted his daughter’s knee. “You’re a good child, Eleanor. You always have been.”
Eleanor wondered where all this was coming from, but she didn’t have time to ask.
“I did my best to raise you after your mother died, but sometimes I wonder if I didn’t do the wrong thing by bringing you into the paper so early.”
She shook her head and tried to keep a lid on the anxiousness that was building in her. “You raised me right. And you did the right thing by bringing me into the paper. I loved you and I loved the paper. I still do. Don’t you know that?”
“Maybe I do. Haven’t you ever wondered what your life would’ve been like if you’d stretched your wings beyond Lamar? I’ve held you back, Eleanor. You were meant for greater things than a small-town paper.”
Her heart rebelled at the words. “That’s not so, Dad. I love working at the Lamar Daily. I love Lamar.”
He rubbed his thumb across the back of her hand. “I know you’re frustrated a lot, Eleanor.”
“No more than any other newspaper managing editor,” she said, dismissing his concern.
“I don’t think other editors have to deal with reporters and columnists who’ve known them since they were kids and still treat them that way.”
She smiled at his observation. “It’s not that bad.”
“What about your idea for the magazine? Haven’t you ever thought about dropping your duties with the Lamar Daily and pursuing that dream?”
Yes, she’d thought about it. More than once. But she’d never been able to do it. The magazine was a dream. The Lamar Daily was reality. It was her heritage. “The Lamar Daily is more than a paper.”
He smiled sadly. “No, it’s not. That’s the problem. To us it’s become more than a paper.”
She looked toward the mantel, not liking the direction this conversation was taking. “And that’s bad?”
“Not in and of itself. B
ut when you look at the big picture, it takes on a different spin.”
“What’s the big picture?” she asked, not sure she wanted to hear his answer.
He tightened his hold on her hand, and she turned to him. “The big picture is a grieving husband and his motherless daughter seeking refuge in the family business.”
Tears quickly filled her eyes. “What’s wrong with that? At least we had some place to seek refuge.”
“There’s nothing wrong with it, but we sought refuge too long. Pretty soon we started hiding.”
She wiggled her hands free of his and wiped at her eyes. What could she say? She’d never thought of it that way. She’d told Jake as much. “I don’t think we’re hiding.”
“Then what are we doing? I’m a fifty-five-year-old man and I’ve been sneaking around with Maxie for almost fifteen years.”
Eleanor’s eyes widened. “You and Maxine? Fifteen years?”
Mathias nodded. “Me and Maxie. Fifteen years. I call that hiding.”
Eleanor felt as if the wind had been kicked out of her. How could she have missed a fifteen-year relationship? “I knew Maxie had a crush on you, but I never knew you returned her feelings.”
“That’s because I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want you to think I was cheating on your mother.”
“But Mom was dead. How could you cheat on her? You could have told me. I would’ve understood and I would’ve been happy for you.”
“Maybe.”
“You don’t think I would’ve been happy for you?”
“I don’t know.”
She leaned into him. “Oh, Dad. I’m so sorry you had to sneak around.”
He patted her knee. “Don’t worry about me and Maxie. We’ll be okay. As a matter of fact, we’re coming out of the closet.”
“You’re getting married?” she asked, not sure how she would feel if he said he was.
He chuckled. “I asked her, but she likes the status quo. Maybe when things change at the paper, she’ll change her mind.”
“So you have personal reasons for going along with Jake’s plans?”
He nodded. “I used the paper for a lot of years to hinder my personal life. I think it’s only fitting that now I use it to further my personal life.”
Eleanor chuckled. “You and Maxie. I don’t believe it.”
“It’s good to hear your laugher. I haven’t heard much of it lately.”
She sobered. “There hasn’t been a lot to laugh about.”
“Nobody ever said love was easy.”
“Love?”
“That’s what this is really about, isn’t it, Eleanor? You love him, don’t you?”
***
Carl opened the door as Jake was about to insert his key. “Hey,” Carl said. “It’s about time you got home.”
“I’m glad I caught you before you left,” Jake said, rushing into the apartment. “I need to talk to you. Can you give me a few minutes?”
Carl checked his watch. “I guess I can spare a couple of minutes. We have dinner reservations for eight.”
Jake hung his jacket on the back of one of the kitchen chairs and sat down. “Come over here.”
“What is it?” Carl asked, making his way to the table.
“I’ve been talking to Buddy Hamilton.”
Carl whistled. “Don’t I know it. Megan is practically spitting fire. I told you Eleanor wasn’t gonna like it.”
“Sit down. Sit down.”
“Hold your horses, I’m sitting down. What do you want to show me?”
Jake pulled a legal pad out of his briefcase. “Here’s the latest deal.” He’d gone over the highlights with Buddy on the phone. He wanted one more meeting with him before presenting the plan to Eleanor.
Carl picked up the pad and began reading. Jake felt hope spring up in him when a smile slowly spread across Carl’s face. “So, what do you think?”
Carl clapped him on the back. “I think you should’ve come up with this deal first.”
Jake wished he had. He’d almost lost the most important thing to him in his macho quest to impress his father. “What do you think Eleanor will say about this one?”
“She’ll go for it.”
“I hope so,” Jake said, knowing she had to go for it. He couldn’t go through his life without her.
“You finally realized what was important.”
Jake gave a wry smile. “It took me long enough.” His father’s words about making the best business decision or the best personal decision had stuck with him and he’d been able to come up with a third alternative—a decision that satisfied both his business and his personal needs.
“I hate to say this . . .”
Jake grinned. “Go ahead and say it.”
“I told you so.”
Jake clapped Carl on the back. “Thanks for that, friend. The next time you give me advice about my woman, slap me if I don’t listen.”
Carl rubbed his hands together. “Can I get that in writing?”
Jake laughed.
Carl looked at his watch, then stood. “So when are you going to tell Eleanor?”
“As soon as I get a formal okay from Buddy.”
“When are you going to ask her to marry you?”
Jake’s heart hammered in his chest. “As soon as I think she’ll give the answer I want. I’m willing to wait.”
“Take my advice. Don’t wait. She’s in love with you.”
The hope that Eleanor still loved him kept Jake going. “From your mouth to God’s ears. I can’t live without her, Carl.”
“Welcome to the club.” He grinned. “Ain’t love grand?”
***
As Eleanor closed the blinds in her living room in preparation for going to bed, she acknowledged the effect Jake Mason still had on her life. Her closing blinds? She couldn’t remember the last time she’d had her blinds open. Since she’d walked around her house nude most of the time, it served her better to keep the blinds closed. That was before Jake Mason.
Tonight was an after-Jake Mason night and she was closing blinds that she’d had open all day. As a matter of fact, her blinds had been open every day since she’d gotten back from her fateful fact-finding trip. No use keeping them closed since she no longer walked around nude.
Jake Mason was the reason she no longer walked around nude. She couldn’t do it anymore. She couldn’t bear her naked body without thinking of him and how he’d made love to her, so she kept herself covered. She sighed. She’d given too much of herself to him before she found out that he was undeserving.
After the blinds were all closed, she checked the lock on the front door and headed for the shower. She slipped out of her pink terry cloth sweatsuit and threw it in the hamper. She glimpsed her naked form when she walked by the bathroom mirror, but she quickly averted her eyes so as not to see herself. It was still too painful. She couldn’t look at her breasts, her body, without feeling the caress of his hands, his mouth.
She stepped into the shower and let the warm water work its magic. In here, alone, she could relax. In here, for a short while at least, she could forget her problems.
When she was sufficiently relaxed, she turned off the shower, stepped out onto the cool tiled floor, and grabbed a towel to dry herself. Once she was dry, she slipped on her gown, then left the bathroom and climbed into her bed.
She closed her eyes, but sleep wouldn’t come. That was not unusual in her post-Jake Mason world. She couldn’t go to sleep without thinking about him, what she’d felt for him, and what she’d experienced with him.
Tonight her father’s comments joined her regular thoughts. “You love him, don’t you?” her father had asked.
She hadn’t answered him, but she knew the answer. Yes, she loved Jake. She’d probably always love him. She just wasn’t sure if love was enough. What was a relationship without trust?
She didn’t trust Jake. He’d betrayed her as surely as if he’d sl
ept with another woman. She shuddered at the thought, then shook her head. No, his betrayal hadn’t reached that depth.
She turned restlessly toward the clock. Her mother’s clock. How she wished her mother were here now! Relationships were almost too difficult for a woman to handle without an advocate. Her mom would have been her advocate. She was sure of it.
When she turned away from the clock and closed her eyes, she saw Jake the last night they’d made love. In his eyes, she saw love. Love for her.
She’d seen that same look in his eyes the day she’d confronted him in his apartment. It had still been there when he’d confronted her at her apartment.
“I want you to love somebody so much it hurts,” Franklin had told her. “You know it’s real when it hurts, when you’ve given all you think you have and you still have to give more. You know it’s love when you’re willing to dig deep to find the extra strength it takes to make the relationship work.”
Eleanor loved Jake. Though he hadn’t spoken the words, she believed he loved her. She’d walked away once from a man who loved her; could she do it again when she loved him back?
***
Eleanor arrived at the newspaper early the next morning. Again, she wanted to beat Jake in. She collected the papers from the stoop, tucked them under her arm, and let herself in. She smelled Jake’s cologne as soon as she entered their office. A feeling of contentment washed over her and she could hardly wait to see him. After a night of soul-searching, she’d decided to put the past in the past and move forward with the future. A future that included Jake. It was a decision she believed her mother would commend.
She’d thought about going over to Carl’s, but she decided it was more appropriate they meet on the grounds of the battle. Taking a seat at her desk, she flicked on her computer and pulled up the AP stories. It was good to be back in her routine again. “Morning, Eleanor.”
Jake’s voice floated over her skin. She turned around and drank in the sight of him. “Morning, yourself,” she said, noting that he looked tired. “What’s wrong?”
He placed his briefcase on his desk and leaned back on its edge. “I should be asking you that.”
She stood and sat on the edge of her desk facing him. Their knees touched, but she didn’t pull away. “Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked, no venom or anger in her voice.
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