by Lucy Coleman
Adele and David Bowie accompany me for the last part of the journey. I’m almost hoarse when I finally pull up outside the villa gates and press the buzzer. I manage to shower, change and settle myself down by the pool on a lounger before the luxury coach eventually off-loads its passengers.
‘Did you have a good day?’ I ask Sam as he walks towards me, smiling.
‘I’m not a gambler and I lost everything. The whole twenty euros.’
I laugh and it’s good to hear him joking around.
‘How did it go?’
I stop to consider what to say about a rather extraordinary day.
‘He’s a busy guy and he appreciated the work involved in tracking him down. He’s off on his travels again next week. And he loved the website.’
Sam slides onto the lounger next to me.
‘I was rather concerned there for a while, I must admit. I mean, he’s obviously a dynamic, adventurous sort of guy who makes things happen. I wondered if you’d take one look at him and feel some sort of attraction. I mean, he saves animals – it doesn’t get any cooler than that.’
My heart squishes up in my chest.
‘Sam, Indiana Jones is his hero. He says he’s like a little boy who never grew up.’
Sam’s face drops a little. ‘That’s an odd thing to be discussing. So, you won’t be heading off to join him and his volunteers any time soon?’
Does Sam need something to shake him out of his complacency? Could this be just the sort of threat he needs to shock him into action and, hopefully, commitment?
‘He did make me realise that until I know what I want out of life, I’m just stumbling around in the dark. They are desperate for all kinds of help with that project in Borneo working with orangutans. Sometimes you have to step outside your own life to get things into perspective and I’m giving it some serious consideration, I will admit. He’s so passionate about what he does and it’s refreshing.’
That kills the conversation and I wonder if I’ve gone too far. I feel mean, but I need Sam to get a grip right now and choose me. I want to be his one.
Heaven and Earth
Dinner tonight is leisurely, with the house party now down to just eight of us. I get to know a little more about Marcus and Jade, and Ethan and Jane, but we seem to have little in common. The after dinner chatter is hard work and Sam and I head back to the pool house shortly after nine o’clock, saying we’re heading for the hot tub.
It isn’t until we’re walking back that I look up and see the sky is a spectacular inky blue and littered with stars. There doesn’t appear to be a patch anywhere without a myriad of twinkles bouncing off it as I spin slowly around to get a three hundred and sixty degree view.
‘Maybe we really should jump in the hot tub, what do you think? It’s a shame to waste that sky.’
Sam shrugs his shoulders. ‘Okay. I’m up for it.’
We hurry upstairs to change and I grab two bottles of water before we head out to the hot tub.
Lying back and allowing the jets to do their work, there’s nothing else to do but look up at the sky.
‘When you gaze at it like this it’s mind blowing, isn’t it?’ Sam sounds awestruck.
‘I was going to say the exact same thing. What if there are beings up there looking down on our planet? I read somewhere that if you are far enough away even the earth would appear like one of those little specks up there, although it would actually be a blue dot. So maybe they aren’t all stars but some are very, very distant planets, too. And they don’t twinkle at all. It’s the earth’s turbulent atmosphere that causes the twinkling effect so only we get to see that. I think that’s rather sad in a way.’
‘As unmanned crafts travel further and further out into space, that was more than likely based on research. It kind of puts things into perspective, doesn’t it? We’re just a tiny speck in the universe.’
‘Sam, would you mind if we head back home tomorrow, instead of Friday? I need some time to think and being here isn’t… doesn’t… I don’t know. It’s turning everything upside down and I feel that things between us need to settle before we decide where it’s going. I hope you don’t think I’m letting you down?’
I turn my head to face him and he looks sad, but his gaze doesn’t waver and his eyes search mine, as if he’s trying to read my thoughts.
‘I have the same dilemma. There’s so much going round and round inside my head that needs to be processed. I think it will all make more sense when I’m back on familiar ground.’
I’m glad he feels the same way.
‘This is all lovely and I have had a wonderful time, really I have.’ I hope my tone conveys that I have no regrets and I mean what I say.
Sam’s arm circles my shoulders and I scoot up to fill the gap between us on the bench seat. Just the touch of his skin on mine sends a little shock wave running through my core. He rests his head against my shoulder and I allow myself to relax into him, the warmth of the water making every muscle in my body relax. Ironically, I feel I’m where I’m meant to be, wrapped in Sam’s arms but it isn’t up to me. Once again the problem isn’t of my making.
‘It doesn’t have to be over, Anna, does it? We could make a new reality for ourselves.’ Is this a knee jerk reaction because he really believed what I said about Tom’s offer?
‘Oh, Sam! Nothing can ever be as good, or as perfect as the other night. It wasn’t real and we both said that at the time. We were different somehow, maybe we became the people we dream of being, because it was a night of make-believe. Time stood still and suddenly anything was possible. But it all changed very quickly, didn’t it, as old habits are hard to break. We couldn’t stop reality flooding back into our lives, no matter how hard we resisted it and we couldn’t recreate that night together because letting go is difficult. It was like pushing our troubles aside for a while and then we stepped back into our lives.’
He turns to look at me, sweeping a wet straggle of hair away from my face with his hand. There’s a desperate, haunted look in his eyes that’s painful to see but I need him to be strong now, for me and for himself. It’s time to show me whether the passion he feels for me can overcome his guilt for what happened.
‘I don’t want you to walk out of my life and yet I know you are right. I can’t be the person you need me to be.’ He hangs his head, unable to look at me now, because even his body language is signalling defeat. What was a firm, almost urgent, grip, is now simply two people hanging on to each other in desperation. I can feel the physical tension between us and wish that was all it would take to make everything right.
‘I knew something would go wrong, it always does, Sam.’ In my heart I know I have no control over how I feel about him but I can’t live in the shadow of Isla.
‘If we can’t be the people we were that night from here on in, then one night of passion means very little. Our past helps to define us whether we like it or not, it seems. I knew when we started this trip that we could only be friends because my heart wanted to heal you and I cared about your pain. But now I understand that it’s the memory of Isla that still prevents you from being free and I know that’s tough. Only you can break that spell, Sam, and you’re not ready. You would end up hating me because I could never give up on trying to make that pain go away and make you whole again.’
I’m crying beneath a sky lit up with so many stars that it was made for a romantic night that I know isn’t going to happen; it’s probably one of the saddest moments in my life so far. I continue to look upwards, begging the universe to fix this; to fix me. To fix Sam.
I remember Tom’s parting words: listen to the inner you and when you hear that voice you know you are being true to yourself.
But what if Sam’s inner voice is on mute? What do you do then?
*
The bags are packed, the goodbyes and thank yous have all been said; as we pull away from the drive to start our homeward journey I reflect upon the fact that St-Julien isn’t my home, anyway. Last night nothing
happened between me and Sam, because we parted with heavy hearts and only a peck on the cheek.
I look across at Sam as he follows the satnav’s instructions, easing out into a busy flow of Thursday morning traffic. We’re both still subdued and it’s hard not to be. This never was a simple holiday, designed for lazing in the sun and relishing the fact that it’s a break from work. The silence isn’t about the sadness that it’s over, but the sadness of returning to our real lives knowing nothing is sorted. Oh, we’ve learnt a lot about each other but that’s only served to complicate matters in a way. Now we have the added pressure of not wanting to let each other down.
‘Sorry, but it has to be carpool Karaoke again until we both cheer up a little, at least.’ The determination in my voice is telling him he has no choice in the matter.
‘I’m so glad you said that. The silence is killing me.’
Bowie, Adele, Miley, Metallica, Aerosmith… whichever disc comes to hand is honoured in equal fashion. Sam joins in as and when he can.
‘How on earth do you know the words to so many of these songs?’
‘I run a lot when I’m at home listening to my iPod. I always have music on when I’m in the car and there was a fair bit of travelling with my old job. By the way, I learnt something new about you, from Bella. You never mentioned you used to play the drums.’
His smile is back, and so, too, that relaxed profile I’ve come to know quite well.
‘It was only ever a fun thing for me; more about the social side and getting to perform at gigs. Andy had a little following, even in those early days. I had fun but then my life moved on and Andy went on to do great things. I had to sell the drum kit because I needed the money and by then I’d lost interest in it. Besides, it wouldn’t have fitted into the caravan. Did you learn anything else?’
A warm, fuzzy feeling hits me square in the gut and I can only hope Sam isn’t having a flashback, too. We’re lying on the bed and his arms are around me. We’re both naked. It felt so good; he felt so good.
‘Your singing is flat but you make up for it in volume. Do the chorus of ‘Wrecking Ball’ again, it’s just unbelievably funny. James Corden would love you!’
And I think I love you too, but it never occurred to me that love doesn’t conquer all. You were there, with me, opening up to me and letting it all go. Then you slid back down and out of my grasp. I want that perfect night, but I want it permanently – I want to be your everything, always. My inner voice is talking to me at last and I’m listening. I want you, Sam, but our love won’t grow if Isla is constantly there between us. In the same way that no one can take the adventurer out of Tom; I can’t take away your guilt about what happened to Isla.
*
Mum and Dad don’t make a fuss when we suddenly turn up. Mum’s simply relieved we’re home safe and sound, but I can see she has picked up on the tension between me and Sam.
We hug when we part, maybe a little too long and I see Dad flashing a look at Mum as they stand behind us, ready to wave Sam off. Mum gives Dad one of her stares, probably thinking it’s only natural we’ve become a little bit more relaxed in each other’s company.
‘See you tomorrow? Work as usual?’ Sam inclines his head. All he has is a caravan and a shell of something that may never become anything more.
‘Usual time. I’ll have the coffee ready and waiting.’
But when he’s gone I feel hollow inside. All I have left is a business I have yet to build and a house in the UK that has never felt like my home. Sam, you are my wrecking ball and you have, unwittingly, wrecked me.
When Normal is No Longer Enough
It’s like Groundhog Day. We’ve been working side by side for an hour with barely a word spoken between us. As I sand and prep the walls of the second gîte ready for painting, Sam is fixing the architraves around the doorways.
It’s Friday and we should be in the car travelling back from Cannes. We would have had one more night. One extra night to prove that the most perfect night of both of our lives wasn’t a mistake, and wasn’t a one-off. When I suggested we leave a day early, Sam didn’t try to talk me out of it. Afterwards, that began to feel like a sort of rejection, which was unfair of me, given the situation.
And today, irrationally, anger starts to well up inside me. Aren’t I worth fighting for? Aren’t I worth getting over a tragic event that no amount of guilt will ever change? I steal a sideways glance at Sam. My heart does a somersault as he raises those powerful arms above his head to measure a piece of wood for cutting. I know the feel of that skin on my skin and how it feels to be held in his arms and lifted up.
Is this it? Is this love? Because if it is, then it hurts. And nothing prepared me for that.
I keep sanding, trying not to look distracted and swallowing down my anger. You don’t deserve to be loved, Sam, if you won’t fight your demons for us.
Dad appears in the doorway, an anxious look on his face.
‘Anna, you’d better come inside for a minute.’
Sam stops work, spinning around to glance at me. I shrug and walk towards the door but Dad has already gone on ahead. I catch up and follow close on his heels as we enter the kitchen.
Mum is standing with a tea towel in her hands, looking pale. Sitting at the table is Karl. The minute he sees me he stands and steps forward, but I instinctively take a step back.
‘What are you doing here? I made it very plain, Karl. I don’t love you and I realise with hindsight that I never did.’
He’s inching forward and I continue to edge backwards.
‘Listen to me, please. That’s all I’m asking. I’ve been a fool but I love you,’ the words slip easily off his tongue as they always did.
Dad tries to step in between us. ‘Karl, you’re not listening to what Anna is saying.’
Karl tries to push Dad out of the way and it catches him unawares. He stumbles and I lunge forward, putting my arm out to steady him.
‘This is between the two of us. It can all be sorted if you just give us some privacy.’ Karl’s voice is now raised and I’m in shock. He’s inches away from Dad and me, and I don’t know what to do.
There’s a movement and it takes me a few seconds to realise that Sam is here, too, and I pull Dad with me as I take another step backwards. A fist comes flying through the air. Dad and I duck, but it glances off Sam’s cheek.
He spins around and in seconds he has Karl’s arm twisted up behind his back so that he can’t move.
Karl’s eyes are flashing with anger and indignation. After a couple of seconds of stunned inaction, suddenly he lunges back with his other arm, hitting one of the chairs sideways and it falls, catching Mum’s leg. She cries out and I run towards her, ducking under Karl’s arm as it flails out once again. It catches one of the shelves and sends china plates crashing to the floor.
Both Dad and Sam now have Karl pinned up against the kitchen wall and he’s unable to move.
None of us know quite what to do next.
‘I’ll call the gendarmes,’ Mum’s voice is firm but she doesn’t move as she’s still in shock.
‘Look, that’s not necessary,’ Karl is struggling to free himself but realises that isn’t going to happen. ‘I didn’t come here to cause trouble but I don’t intend to leave until I’ve spoken to Anna, alone.’
Sam laughs, it’s hard and throaty. ‘If you think I’m going to let you get anywhere near Anna, matey, you’re a fool.’
Karl looks at Sam, narrowing his eyes.
‘And you are?’ His voice is haughty, dismissive and full of sarcasm.
Mum looks at Dad, who looks at me and I look at Sam.
‘Sam is the man who has captured my heart.’ I turn to look at Sam, who seems to be in shock. ‘I love you.’
Mum looks like she’s going to faint. Dad draws in a sharp breath but Sam now has the biggest smile on his face I’ve ever seen.
‘What?’ Karl spits out the words as if they are leaving a bitter taste in his mouth.
‘This is
a joke. He’s just the builder, right and you’re trying to make me look like a fool. You let me tell you every single day for a year that I love you and you said nothing. What did you expect?’
‘Don’t you think it’s rather strange, Karl, that you didn’t notice that until I sent you an email just a couple of weeks ago and pointed it out to you? Love is more than a word. You can say it as often as you like, but it means nothing unless your actions back it up. I’m not arm candy, Karl, I’m a living, breathing person. You now have that directorship. Tick. The big, executive style home will be next. Tick. Now you need a wife, someone who will idolise you and not realise that the only person you love is yourself.’
Karl is livid and begins struggling again. Both Dad and Sam are having none of it and push even harder against him. I wonder whether he would lash out at me in his anger if he did break free.
‘You slept with him, didn’t you?’ He twists his head around to stare at Sam, then back at me. ‘You slept with someone your parents are employing to work on the house. I bet he couldn’t believe his luck. Well, now I’m the one who’s done. Let me GO. There’s nothing here for me any longer and I’ll press charges if you continue to hold me against my will.’
Dad is the angriest I’ve ever seen him.
‘You’ll press charges, eh? Well, there’s the matter of assault on my person and criminal damage to my property, first. I’m a peaceful man as I believe that violence is a sign of someone who is out of control and has no respect whatsoever for other people, or their property. You did your best to manipulate my daughter and it grieved me to see the change in her. Hearing her talk about Sam I know that she’s finally found a man worthy of her and good luck to them.’
Sam and Dad are only the width of Karl’s body apart and Sam turns slightly to face Dad.
