Cole (The Leaves)

by Hartnett, J. B.

  “I have no idea if they’re coming or not. Gerry and Jess are here, and Rusty of course. But I’m sure they will. You know, she still has friends here and so does Evan.”

  Evan was my ex-fiancé and his current girlfriend was my former room-mate and friend. She was also the girl I had the cat-fight with and it had nothing to do with Evan, good riddance. She was one of the few people that I’d told about Joe. She knew that only he and my mother ever called me by the name “Annie” and when she wanted to hurt me and be a bitch, that’s what she called me. I call it throwing the first punch. I secretly hoped she got fat one day, but I doubted that very much. She was like a real living version of a Victoria’s Secret Model. Fucking Angel my ass.

  “It’ll be fine. Let’s do this.” I stated confidently.

  Cole led us in but not before lacing his fingers through mine and telling me in a Southern drawl, “You look mighty perty, darlin’.”

  “You better stop that or we’re going right back to the car.” And I meant it. My man was hot.

  “Well, when I’m ready to leave I know what to do.”

  Gus decided to join in the conversation. “Now, looky here you two, there is one real cowboy here and it ain’t him.” He nodded with a crooked smile and tipped his hat toward Aimes, and I could’ve sworn her legs almost gave out.

  We’d been there about an hour. There was a DJ playing dance music and the odd spooky Halloween song. A group did a little dance to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, which made me envious I didn’t know the routine. Cole and I had both had a jam-packed emotional day, and all we wanted to do was have a good time with our friends.

  It wasn’t late, only eleven, but all I really wanted to do was cuddle up next to Cole on one of the chaise lounges by the pool and listen to the ocean. I guess he was thinking the exact same thing because when I turned to open my mouth he said, “Hey, darlin’? Why don’t you an’ me git outta here?” I laughed and only wished Aimes had been there to hear him.

  “Let me just say bye to Rusty.” I knew I’d see Gus and Aimes on our way out, so I headed to the back where he was in his office and leaned in, “Hey boss. We’re heading out. It was good to see you.” He’d been so wonderful to me. He was a man that needed to find a good woman.

  “Ah, Inky. I can’t tell you how nice it is to see you.” He took a deep breath, got up from his chair, and pulled me into a bear hug, “And to see you happy. He’s a good man, Cole. Aimes has told me about him.”

  “Yeah. I kinda hit the man jackpot with that one.” I smiled and pulled away. “Don’t worry. I won’t be a stranger, Rusty. I miss it here.”

  “We miss you too, Ink. Drive safe.”

  I decided to use the little girl’s room before we left. I walked in to the open stall and sat down to do my business when a familiar voice broke into my private time. “I’m sorry.” I wasn’t sure if she was talking to me, so I didn’t respond. “I understand if you don’t want to talk to me, Inky, but I am sorry. I know it was a low blow. I shouldn’t have said that and I shouldn’t have implied you were weak.” I was letting her talk, just taking it in, but I hoped she was wrapping it up. “I know Aimes always watched you like a hawk, but I could see when you’d get tense. Little things would make you freeze up and I was so desperate to find a way to be with Evan, I would have said and done anything. I should’ve told you I was in love with Evan a long time ago, and he should’ve been honest with both of us. It still doesn’t excuse what I said or what I did. I do love him though. Are you there?”

  I wiped and flushed and adjusted my dress before I opened the door. Staring back at me in the mirror was Lisa. She still looked beautiful as always, but she also looked sad. When I caught them together, of course I was hurt, but I was angry at myself. So much had happened since then that Lisa and Evan were the last thing on my mind. “Lisa, I forgive you.” I washed and dried my hands and started to open the door.

  “You do?” She asked surprised.

  “Yeah. Evan and I wouldn’t have lasted. We both know that and I am happier than I’ve ever been. Things happened exactly how they should have. Maybe it was destiny opening my eyes or something. I hope you guys will be happy though.”

  “Did they catch him? I heard Aimes tell Rusty they caught Joe.”

  And I was so close to getting out the door. I could’ve just said yes and left, but I didn’t. “They did, but not before he abducted me and ripped out my fingernails one by one with pliers.” My therapist said it was okay to talk about it, but it must be very confronting for others to hear it.

  “Oh my God, Inky.”

  When I turned around to look at her, her face was wet with tears. Not an emotion she was accustomed to. “It was the means to an end, Lisa. I won’t see him again. Tell Evan hello, okay? Really, I just want everyone to be happy. See ya.”

  I left her in the restroom and didn’t look back. I gave Aimes and Gus a hug and Cole and I left, hand in hand.

  “Did I tell you, you look beautiful?” He beamed with pride and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

  “You did. Mind if I buckle up next to you?”

  “Of course not. Come on over.” We drove like that for a while saying nothing. “Something happened.” He didn’t ask, he just knew.

  “Yeah.”

  “You want to talk about it?”

  “Later.”

  Cole 13

  Cole

  Of course my mom had called me. She told me Anika seemed fine after her appointment with the therapist. She did use the full two hours, which I was grateful for. I wanted to be the best support for her I could, but I was still struggling with my anger about everything she’d endured in her life.

  After we got back from spending Halloween at Rusty’s, Anika went upstairs and changed into the gown and robe I gave her. She flowed back into the living room like a 1950’s movie star. Her hair was up, which made her long graceful neck beg for my mouth. I got the feeling she just needed me to hold her and that was absolutely fine. I couldn’t think of any place I’d rather be and anyone I’d rather be with.

  “You are breathtaking.”

  “Oh. This old thing?” Her sweet smile was tempting me.

  “Here” I grabbed a blanket I’d taken out just in case, “Beach or deck?” I asked.

  “Deck.”

  “Come on.” I had her lay down and arranged the blanket over her. The breeze off the ocean was just starting to get chilly.

  “Where are you going?” She asked as I went inside.

  “I just need to grab something.” I didn’t think she wanted to drink, so I put on the kettle. I went upstairs and donned the pants that matched her gown. Maybe it was corny or something, but they were also very comfortable. I came back downstairs, made two hot chocolates and took them outside. “Here. I put cold milk in so it doesn’t scorch your tongue.”

  “Oh, that’s genius! Why didn’t I ever think of that? All these years I could have avoided the tongue scorch of hot cocoa.” She took a little sip

  “You know, my dad used to do that when I was little. I’d forgotten about it, but when we had our last session, the therapist asked me to tell her a happy memory that was of just my dad and it was the first thing that popped into my head. So I went out and bought cocoa and little marshmallows and, well, here we are.”

  “Wow, that’s great baby. I’m glad you remembered something good. I’m not being sarcastic either.”

  “I know. So, tell me. How was Margot?” This woman had been recommended by the therapist my dad and I saw. Her reputation seemed to be up there with her rate per hour.

  “She was… she was great, Cole. Thank you for finding her.”

  “My dad found her.” I didn’t mean for it to come out snippy, but it did.

  “Well, he did something good. We covered the getting-to-know-you stuff and then she very casually opened me up, swam around in the ugly, asked me questions about the ugly, put the lid back on… but not too tight, very important to leave the lid open a little… and als
o, to not be afraid to talk… about the ugly.”

  “I didn’t get the impression you were ever afraid to talk to me about it, Anika. I just thought you weren’t there yet.”

  “I don’t know, maybe I’ll never be free from everything, but I want to and if this helps, then I’m gonna do it. I don’t want to have anxiety and post-traumatic stress and the newest addition to my flock of fucked-up, checking out completely.” She stopped and made sure she had my complete attention. “I’m not afraid to talk to you though, Cole. I do think you’re carrying my past around with you, almost as much as I am, and I hate that.”

  I finished my cocoa and lay back, bringing her against my chest. “All that stuff is part of you. I just want you to be happy.”

  We lay there for a while, sipping the sweet warm liquid. I wanted her to talk to me but again, I didn’t want to push.

  “Lisa was in the bathroom.” She said. “She apologized. I told her what happened, but I didn’t tell her to be a bitch or make her feel bad, I just had to say it aloud.” She turned her body around and set her mug on the table. “Cole, I just want there to be a time in my life – our life – where I don’t have so much drama. Do you know anyone else, besides you and me that has this kind of baggage? Between the two of us, we’re a freakin’ daytime soap opera. All we’re missing is me being possessed by the devil and you having a double life with your identical twin. You don’t have a twin brother do you?”

  I laughed, “No, I don’t. And if you were possessed I’m sure we could hire someone to do an exorcism.”

  “You say that now, but when my head is spinning around in circles and I’m doing dirty things with a …”

  “Stop.” I held my hands out to her. “Don’t even say it. I have never looked at a cross the same way after seeing that movie as a kid. It scared the hell out of me.”

  She laughed. “What’s the scariest movie you’ve ever seen?”

  “Hmm. Well, I could say anything with Freddie or Jason, but I was young when they came out. I don’t really watch horror now. What about you?”

  “Alien. The first one. It was psychological, you know? Shit just sopping out everywhere.”

  “The second one was my favorite.”

  “Me too. Why do you think I have so many sets of grey tanks and matching panties? Remember how sexy Sigourney Weaver looked when she got out of the sleeping thingy?”

  “Wow. I forgot that part. Can you go put them on now?” I gave her a suggestive smile that said how much I would love to play out that fantasy with her right now.

  “Later, baby.” She lifted her hand to my jaw.

  “So, you feel okay?” I asked tentatively.

  “Cole, I’ve been looking over my shoulder for so long and trying to avoid remembering the painful parts of my past, it’s just gonna take some adjustment. But Margot assures me I’ll get there. Margot, every time I look at her name I want to pronounce the T. I get distracted by it: Mar-got. Mar-got. I’ll get over it. She’s really good though. Sneaky bitch. But she’s good.”

  I pulled her closer, and held her so tight I thought she might complain I was hurting her, but she didn’t. “God, I love you so much.”

  “Me too.” She put her legs to the side and stood up, walking to the railing on the deck. The night was getting cold, but she didn’t take the blanket with her. She stood there with the moon high above us, creating the most beautiful light on her skin. This is the vision I would sketch of her next. She really did take my breath away.

  The satiny fabric of the robe and gown moved with the breeze and Anika let her head fall back with her face to the sky. I knew she could feel me approach. We’d both acknowledged that current that seemed to travel between us. I’d never felt it with another woman in my life. Even when I’d had great sex, it was never like this. Before I’d experienced her touch or the feel of her skin, I felt the fire.

  “Can you smell the rain?” She asked me without turning around.

  I took a deep breath and answered her, “I can.”

  “I asked Evan that same question once. We actually argued about it. I told him we needed to bring an umbrella and he said we didn’t, not a cloud in sight. I told him I was positive it would rain and he made some remark about me being a weather girl. Two hours later the sky was dark and it bucketed down, which proved my earlier prediction, but he never apologized. He simply told me ‘you technically can’t smell rain’.”

  I stood beside her and ran my fingers down the front of her neck, her flesh cool with goose bumps rising on her skin. I let my hand glide down between her breasts and slowly rise back up again. “Such beauty.”

  “No one has ever really told me that before you.”

  “Because they were blind.” Wow. Her ex was a giant asshole.

  She turned into my arms and held me close and I could feel her hard nipples against my chest. “Are you sure you want to spend forever with me?”

  “What? Of course!” I pushed her from me, hard and held her at the elbows. “Are you fucking kidding me, Anika?”

  I didn’t mean to be so harsh with her, I reacted and didn’t think.

  I could feel the heat prickle at the backs of my eyes and I decided to walk away and retreat to the house. What a fucking pussy I was. I couldn’t risk her seeing me fucking cry. Not like this. I wanted to be her rock… not this poor excuse for a man that falls apart at the thought of losing her. I could almost hear my dad’s voice in my head, “Of course she left you; you have no balls.” No. I wouldn’t let the self-doubt get me, I was stronger than that, but a life without her would break me and I knew it. Unfortunately, I was pretty sure she knew it too.

  I went upstairs and brushed my teeth. I remembered I’d bought us a gift. A lame gift but a gift just the same. I opened the cabinet and took out a new matching set of pajamas. She would like this. I changed into mine and slipped on a V-neck tee and got into bed. I turned on the television and flipped through the DVR, seeing if there was anything to keep my mind busy for a while. I left her new pajamas on the bathroom counter so she’d see them.

  I decided to just flip through the channels mindlessly, but happened to stumble across a Cricket game between England and the West Indies – who needs sleeping pills? I felt the control being plied from my hand and I opened my eyes to see Anika trying to be so careful not to wake me. How long had she been out there? She laid my hand back on my chest and began to pull the sheet and blanket over me when she caught my open eyes staring up at her.

  Her hands cupped around my face and I instantly felt those same goddamned tears try to escape me again. She leaned down and kissed the sides of my face where the warm trickle escaped. “We have to stop doubting that we’re good enough for each other, Cole. We’ve both been so hurt by people that were supposed to love us unconditionally. It makes us doubt our worth. But I know I love you, Cole.” She kissed my cheek. “I won’t stop loving you.” She kissed my other cheek. “And if you stopped loving me?” She kissed my forehead. “I would still love you.” I took her hands and kissed the tips of her fingers and she responded by kissing my scars.

  “At the risk of completely emasculating myself more than I already have, do you mind if I hold you all night? I want to make love to you, but more than anything, I just need to hold you.”

  “I would like nothing more.” She nestled in under the covers and I held her close.

  “Cole?”

  “Yeah?”

  “What made you choose flannel pajamas with cupcakes on them?”

  I could feel her smile against my chest. “Two reasons. One, you always smell like dessert of some sort. I don’t know what perfume you wear but it’s delicious.”

  “Oddly enough, that’s what it’s called: Delicious.”

  “No shit?”

  “No shit. It’s that green bottle that looks like an apple. And I have a black one that’s a little different.”

  “Huh. Okay. And two, because as beautiful as you look in satin and silk… and I’m sure in other lingerie I’m going
to make you wear… I want you to be comfortable and warm. It’s getting colder. But the image of you in the gown with your nipples rock hard, well…”

  “Cole, baby?”

  “Yeah?” I had to stifle a laugh. I knew what she was going to say.

  “Is that your…?”

  “No. It’s a banana in my pocket.” I said dryly. “What do you think?”

  “I think we may never cuddle. I’ll be lying next to you when we’re eighty years old and we won’t be cuddling. Although, I’ve never really thought about old people sex until just this moment and it’s kind of weirding me out a little bit.”

  “Well, maybe if we’re the old people we won’t mind. But just in case, perhaps we should make the most of our youth.”

  She nuzzled into me even closer. “So, we’re still getting married huh?”

  “If you’ll have me, Anika.”

  “How does New Year’s Eve sound? I was thinking after this last year, a clean slate, ringing in the New Year… we’d never forget our anniversary?”

  “Do you still want to do it on our beach? It might be cold.”

  “Do you think Olaf would…?”

  “Of course he would. It doesn’t leave us with much time, but say the word and my mom will be all over that.”

  “God, she’s gonna be so happy.” Yeah. My mom was going to go ape-shit. And Olaf… he had bought this beautiful mission style hotel that had a small chapel.

  It was perfect.

  “Have you thought about where you’d like me to take you for a honeymoon?” My mind began picturing white sand, a private beach… she didn’t say anything. I assumed she was trying to think of a place. I could think of twenty off the top of my head.

  “I’ve never seen snow fall. Does it snow in the mountains in January?”

  “Which mountains?”

  “Your mountains.”

  My fucking mother.

  Now it was my turn to be quiet. My cabin had been my escape and was a place I used to draw or paint, drink heavily, and forget about holidays. I hated to be reminded of family and decorating a tree… of everything I didn’t have. But now I had her. I had the antidote to sadness. She would bring light to every dark corner of my previous life.