by Bijou Hunter
29 Spent Shells
Mia’s Epilogue
Disneyland is bigger than I expect. Louder and more crowded too. At first, I’m overwhelmed by it all. Only the expression on Jake’s face keeps me from panicking. He looks both horrified and awed.
After I talk him into wearing the Mickey Mouse ears, I put on my Minnie Mouse ones and we walk around the park. A lot of time is spent standing in lines and he holds me really softly like I’m valuable to him. Around all these normal people, I do feel a little dirty and bad. Every time I want to be Gidget, Jake reminds me that I’m Mia.
We eat a lot of food. Jake especially enjoys pigging out. Much of the food is junk kids eat and he’s a little boy for the three days we spend in Anaheim. Well, during the day anyway.
At night, we fuck until our bodies are exhausted. We fall asleep smiling and I love Jake’s smile. He’s the perfect man and I still can’t believe he found me. It’s amazing to think he saw me through the scope of a rifle and decided I was worth saving. Jake is my miracle.
Nicaragua scares me during the first few weeks. I don’t understand anything anyone says and no one looks like me. Our house feels too big and noises echo off the tile floors. Every day, I expect Jake to send me back to the city because I’m always scared and hiding behind him.
I don’t know when I learn to love our new life. It’s gradual until one day I’m happy and comfortable. The words people say make sense and I crave the local foods. Soon, I walk around our house without feeling like an outsider. I even swim in the pool behind our house without asking Jake for permission. This place has become my home much like Jake became my love. One day, I had nothing. The next, I was in paradise.
Jake is different here. Still quiet, but relaxed in a way he never was in the city. When he stares at the ocean, I feel him allowing the past to slowly die. The pain still clings to him and I see his desire for vengeance sometimes. One day, Jake will have to accept how there’s no one left to kill. We outlived them all and won the battle.
30 Spent Shells
Gator’s Epilogue
Nicaragua is our home for two years now. We are no longer American visitors, but locals. People know our names and stop us on the street to chat.
Mia has friends here like she never enjoyed before. One is an older woman named Salete who mothers her like she was never mothered. The other is Lupe who views Mia as her lost blonde sister.
Mia adores them and I see her confidence growing every day. They teach her to cook and tend to the house. She becomes very creative with her meals and makes the finest fish stew I’ve ever enjoyed. She also keeps our home tidy. Her only weak spot is sweeping. The tile floors are forever in need of a broom and I finally hire a neighbor girl to sweep. So happy to be free of the dull chore, Mia rewards me in a way that makes my toes curl.
I doubt she’ll ever learn to write Spanish or much English. Yet, she can read now. Mostly first and second grader books, but those stories give her power. They open the world to her and Mia no longer forgets Gidget is dead and gone.
We speak Spanish most days and she picked it up faster than me. I tease her about that sometimes and she’s embarrassed. When she gets all shy, I know how to distract her and she still goes limp from those distractions.
Most days, I spend on the beach fishing and swimming. I like to sit on a surfboard and stare out at the power of the ocean. Each time I’m out there, I leave behind more of my past.
Though she loves our pool, Mia won’t join me in the ocean after learning living things called it home. Instead, she sits on the beach and builds sandcastles. When I return from my time with the ocean, Mia smiles like she knows I’m lighter now. As if she understands how the ocean steals away my pain.
Several times a week, I fish with the local men. I give them most of what I catch and only take home enough for Mia to make her amazing soup. Other days, I fish alone. I need the quiet of the beach and people leave me alone here. They don’t expect the same things as in the city. They understand solitude.
A year after we arrive in Nicaragua, Flame shows up on our porch with a suitcase. All he says is, “Someone killed my ducks.”
Flame stays with us for a few days before finding a place in the nearby town. Many weekends, he visits with his new woman. Lidvina is a widow who isn’t very upset to have lost her first husband. Flame says she’s his Goldilocks. His first woman was too cold and quiet. His second was too hot and loud. Lidvina is just right.
The four of us sit on the porch in silence and appreciate how no one needs to talk. Flame only raises his voice when he stands in the ocean during storms and dares God to take him. Each time, he returns to the house and winks triumphantly at Lidvina. Our paradise has become his too.
As much as I like exploring with the local men, I remain closer to home lately. Mia is heavy with my son who is nearly ready to enter the world. She loves her belly and is always touching it. When I see her touching her bump, I want to touch it too. Soon, we’re in the house, touching other things.
My son will be Kai after my mother Kailani. Even if I don’t miss her, I honor the woman who gave me life. She wasn’t the kind of mother to me that Mia will be to our son. Much like my father was a monster, yet I don’t intend to be one with Kai. My son will have a life unlike anything his parents knew.
Months after we arrived in this paradise, Mia’s new friends encouraged her to have a ceremony to mourn her lost child. I wasn’t sure about their plans and hated watching Mia weep over her dead baby. Now, she enjoys a peace I never imagined possible. Near our home, I created a stone marker for baby Eve and Mia brings flowers to it weekly.
Despite our good life, I worry about my son. What if I’m not the man I want to be? What if I fail him and Mia? Even with my worries, the fear won’t stop me. I demand joy in my life and found it with Mia. Soon, we’ll add Kai to our home and raise him to never know the pain we experienced. He’ll have his own troubles and disappointments, but he’ll never want for love.
When Kai’s older, I’ll tell him about Gator. Make him understand where his family came from and how we climbed out of the mud to find this paradise. When I tell him about Gator and Gidget, I won’t feel shame.
The world made me a killer, but love made me more.
About Bijou
Living in Indiana with her three sweet sons, two wacky cats, one super mom (and her ugly dog), Bijou loves writing, blogging, and Denny’s. Follow Bijou:
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***Bijou Hunter is the pseudonym of author Angela Horn.
