by Kailin Gow
It hit me then what I’d given up today when I didn’t mail in my response, when I pulled my envelope out of the mail lady’s hands, announcing to Stanford my acceptance of the scholarship and enrollment into their accelerated psychology program. My longtime dream. The culmination of years of hard work, and my means to escape the harsh reality behind my perfect façade of a family. It hit me all at once, along with the shock of nearly losing my life within inches. I let out a wail and then the sobbing and the heaving began just when I finally pulled into an empty space and parked the car.
“Sam!” Collins’ voice shouted through my phone from the other side of my car. “Oh my God, Sam! I’m so sorry…I got carried away…are you hurt? Are you alright? Oh God, I don’t know what I’ll do if…if…” A groan of frustration screamed through the phone, loud enough to shake me out of my state and glance over to where the phone was…my lifeline to Collins right now. “Sam,” his voice sounded muffled. “Susan…I need to see you now. I can’t face losing you right when I’ve found you again.”
Susan? At the name “Susan”, my head snapped back up and my back straightened, forcing me to become all business, to become practical, serious, and focused. “Susan” - my trigger word for getting me to hold everything together worked to get me to stop the uncontrollable sobbing.
Get your shit together, girl. Susan’s voice of reason rang through to my brain. You are going to stop crying, get out of the car, walk into Sawyer House, and have a great day today.
And then face Collins, whom I haven’t seen or touch in months, whom the mere sound of his voice can drive up my body temperature, and his touch would do much more than that. Considerably more. For before I met Collins that fateful day outside of my high school guidance counselor’s office, I never dated, never kissed, and never wanted to feel the touch of a boy or man on me. Until I bumped into Collins, and his entire presence caused something within me to jump out and feel something again. Not only something, but a passion so deep that I craved it like air. Collins was right about something alright. He had touched a part of me that was so hidden that I didn’t even know it existed. That it would take a strong person to dig through the layers I’ve developed over the years to find me and pull me out.
Today I had turned down my chance to start a whole new life at Stanford away from my messed up family and my messed up past, for one reason and one reason alone – there was something else here at home that I knew would be better. My subconscious self knew what it was, but I didn’t. I couldn’t even begin to tell. Whatever it was, though, whatever it appeared to be…somehow it all began with Collins.
Chapter 2
My God! Sam, what happened to you?” Derek greeted me at the door with a can of Red Bull, something he’s been doing since I would arrive barely awake, having only slept a few hours each night to fit in my hours at Sawyer House and finishing up the rest of my high school AP (Advanced Placement) classes, which would get me enough college credits for me to finish college a year or two earlier. He rushed over to me and folded me into his arms, hugging me tightly, while kissing the top of my head, his tall, lanky body making me feel tiny in his embrace. “You look like you’ve just seen a ghost.”
I melted into his embrace, feeling his strong arms tighten a little more around me. My legs felt like jelly, and I realized I had a little trouble walking steadily. Did my near crash have that much of an effect on me?
Get it together, Sam! Susan, my inner voice tried smacking me.
I took a deep breath and said, “I’ll be fine, Derek.”
“Why do you look as pale as a ghost, and why are you shivering in my arms then?” Derek asked. “What happened, Sam?”
No use trying to hide anything from the super observant Derek. He was too well-trained to let something slip by. “Um, I nearly collided with a large car on my way here. Missed by a few inches…”
Derek immediately pulled me tighter to his chest and began rubbing my back. “Oh Sammy, you must’ve been so scared.” He pulled back a little to look into my eyes, his brown ones searching. “How are you now?”
I smiled up at him. “I’m fine. I’m fine. Don’t make such a fuss,” I swatted his hand away while I tried straightening up. “I don’t want the new peer counselor I’m training today to see me wimpy like this. Besides, how is the new peer counselor?”
Derek smiled, “You can never appear wimpy, Sam. Not in a million years. You’re one of the strongest girls I know.” His fingers reached out to tenderly touch my cheeks and then my nose. “You don’t know how proud I am of you…so proud. You’re graduating Valedictorian, going to be the youngest peer counselor trainer (even beating my record), and getting accepted to the Stanford psychology program. You don’t have to worry about being a slacker at all. Talking about slackers…I didn’t think anyone who looked like our newest peer counselor would be interested at all with Sawyer House. You’re in for a challenge, but I think you’ll enjoy that. I’m hoping I’m proven wrong about this guy…and that you’ll be the one proving it.”
“Derek, for someone who seemed so sensitive, yet so smart, I can’t believe you can form quick judgments of people based on their looks.”
Derek smiled a shy smile then. “I was right about you, though, Sam…a beautiful girl with brains walked into Sawyer House wanting to help people by becoming a peer counselor, and she turned out to be just that,” he grinned. “And much much more.”
“Gee, thanks,” I said smiling, feeling better already.
“And you know what?” Derek asked, pulling me to him urgently now and encircling me in a friendlier embrace. His lips touched my forehead and then it moved down to the tip of my nose until they brushed against my lips. He pressed into my lips until it was open and then his tongue lightly touched mine. “You’re much more than I ever dreamed of when we first met. Much more, Sam. I know you wanted only friendship, but you know how I feel about you.”
He grabbed my hand and led me quickly into the private conference room where he leaned me up against the wall and kissed me again, this time more hungrily. “Sam,” he kissed me harder with each word he uttered. “Sam, my Sam,” his kisses were now desperate and all over my face, my neck. “God, I’m so grateful you didn’t get hit by that car. You’ve come to mean so much to me, Sam, and if I lost you…” he stopped kissing me for a second. “I don’t know what I’d do.”
“Derek…I’m fine. I’m safe. Don’t worry about me, please.” I tried to pull away, but his hand held me in place against the wall.
“But I do, Sam. I can’t help it. These past few weeks when you’ve come in almost everyday to work, and when you would hang out with me at my college dorm at UC Irvine, experiencing the life of a college student with me…has meant so much to me. I’ve loved every minute of it. And, Sam…” Derek hesitated. “You and Collins McGregor are no longer together. You haven’t been for months…so maybe it’s time to move on…time for you to give someone else a chance…”
I stared at Derek as his face flushed, making the air between us grow thick. “Derek…I…Collins…there’s something you should know…”
Derek was about to say something when his eyes went from my face to an area to my left behind me. Then as though right on cue, there was a knock on the door before it opened and a tall, but muscular, shaggy-haired sandy blond teen boy about fifteen or sixteen years old walked in. His hair was down to his shoulders, and from what I could see of his face, now covered by his long bangs, he had piercings all over his face…his eyebrow, his nostril, and his lips. Dressed in a thin black and white skull and crossbones t-shirt over black too-long denim jeans and black hi-tops, the boy looked more like a skater than anything.
“Um, Derek?” he said, his voice raspy as though he had smoked way too many cigarettes over his young years. “I’ve poured over the scripts, and sat with a few of the counselors during their calls. I think I got the hang of it for now. But, what I want to know, is…when do I get to sit and be trained by Susan?”
At the mention of m
y call center name Susan, my interest in this strange skater boy with piercings increased. I was already intrigued by his appearance, but when he brought up his eagerness to be trained by Susan, I took a closer look at him. Did I know him? Was he one of the callers I’ve talked to as Susan? Why did he seem so eager to be trained by me? Why not Derek, the head trainer?
“Hi,” I said, extending my hand out for a shake. “I’m Susan.”
The boy flipped his bangs out of his face, and I could see his icy blue eyes assess me indifferently at first, and then as his eyes went up my legs, my waist, my breasts, and then my face, it changed from indifference to intense interest and finally to desire. “Hi, Susan,” he said grinning, “So you’re Susan.” He seemed to sigh as he put his image of me along with what he expected, together. “You are definitely a lot prettier and younger than I expected…just your voice…” he stammered.
“Thank you,” I said. “I didn’t know you know of Susan. It’s the name I use here so everything is anonymous. They try to discourage outside contacts between counselors and callers, and adopting a name other than your own seem to help that cause.” I nearly wink, as though that was an inside joke. “Do you have one already or did Derek neglect to tell you that?”
The pierced boy laughed, looking at Derek. “Yes, Derek did make it a point to get me to adopt a counselor name.”
“So, what is it?” I smiled. Might as well make this pierced boy get used to me being in charge of his training so he is properly trained.
“Billy,” the boy said. “The name’s Billy.”
My smile faded. As much as Susan was the trigger word for helping my self-controlled self take over, the name Billy was enough of a word to get my stomach turn involuntarily into a combination of strong fear, disgust, and anger. I looked closely at Billy’s good-looking face, trying to see if he resembled someone I knew with the same name, and couldn’t find any similarities. However, something about Billy seemed familiar, but I couldn’t put my hand on it quite yet.
Chapter 3
Billy looked confused for a moment. “Did I say something wrong or do something to upset you, Susan?”
“Um, no,” I said. “I’m just curious why you chose the name Billy.”
We had sat down at my desk and I was sitting where normally Derek would sit, to the side of Billy.
“Does it mean anything to you?” Billy asked, assessing me with his cool blue eyes. They unnerved me, as though he knew me, knew all about what happened to me when I was younger, all my deep dark secrets.
“No,” I shook my head. “It means nothing to me.”
Billy looked a little disappointed then, but he said cheerily. “So what kinds of calls do you get Susan?”
“The usual,” I said. “Cliques, bullying, drug use, dating, image, and abuse.”
“Anything really different?” Billy asked.
“Like what?” I asked, not sure where Billy was heading with his questions.
“Guys who just want to talk to someone, a pretty girl who they can fantasize about?”
Billy was staring at me with a mischievous look. If he was a character from some fantasy book, I’d say he reminded me of a prankster fairy.
“And, you’d think these teenage boys would be calling the center to get their high on that? Why not call a sex line or something?”
“Because,” Billy said smiling, as though he was hiding a funny joke from me, “it costs them money to talk to those phone sex lines while here…you have such a sexy and seductive voice, Susan…”
I shot up from my seat then and pulled “Billy” out of my seat, grabbed him by his collar and leaned into his face to look him in the eye. “I don’t know what kind of prank you’re trying to pull here, but at Sawyer House, we take everyone’s calls pretty seriously. If you are here to make a joke out of what we do, then you can pack your stuff and just leave right now.”
“Oh, don’t get so hot and bothered, Susan,” Billy laughed. “I don’t do that, but I know of a group of guys who did, and are planning to.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, narrowing my eyes at his twinkling blue ones. I wanted to slap that mirth out of him and set him straight.
“You’re quite a hottie, Susan,” Billy said, licking his lips and looking me up and down.
Now I was seething mad. “I don’t know who put you up to this, but I want no part of it. Tell your friends to go fuck off, and if I find any one of them trying to pull a prank on me or anyone from Sawyer House, believe me, you’ll find more than the police on your tail.” I grabbed his backpack, his jacket, and him, and pushed him towards the exit of the building. “Go before I tell Gail why you’re really here!”
“Slut,” he said.
“Charming,” I said. “Bet that gets you the girls all the time.” He turned towards me to face me again right before I slammed the door in his face.
I wasn’t finished yet and walked over to Derek’s desk where he was talking to one of the new peer counselors. I pulled him aside and crossed my arms.
“Derek, your instinct was right on about Billy.”
Derek’s face immediately became concerned. “Where is he? What happened?”
I sighed, not wanting to bring up this heavy topic, but said, “I kicked him out.”
“What?” Derek exclaimed. “What did he do?”
I shook my head. “He’s not here to become a peer counselor, Derek.”
“I don’t understand,” Derek said. “He came highly-recommended. A friend of Gail’s recommended him, and said he would make a great peer counselor. Been through a lot of things himself, even went through therapy, so he can relate well with anyone who calls in.”
“Derek,” I said firmly. “Billy may seem like a great candidate for a peer counselor, but he wasn’t here for that apparently. He made everything we do here sound trivial, like it was a big joke!”
“Why would he do that?” Derek asked.
“Beats me,” I said. “He said my voice was seductive and guys would be calling Sawyer House just to get phone sex from me or any of the girls who volunteered as counselors here. He also called me ‘slut’,” when I kicked him out the door.”
Derek was fuming mad now. “That jerk,” he said. “I don’t care if he’s Gail’s best friend or relative, but that is no way to talk to you.” Derek bunched his fists together and looked like he wanted to head straight out to confront Billy. “Stay here,” Derek said, while starting to head out to the parking lot. “I’ve got some words for him that…”
“Derek,” I said, wanting this whole incident to be over. “I think he’s gone already. Just let it go.”
“But,” Derek said, “how dare he talk to you like that? How dare he tried to put you down. I should have listened to my instincts about him first before unleashing him on you.” He shook his head. “He was going to be the perfect recruit, a peer counselor close in age to our callers, yet experienced enough to have gone through the same experiences as the callers. I’ll just have to let Gail know it didn’t work out.”
“I’ll do it instead,” I said. “If you don’t want to face her on this. I’m the one who discovered what Billy was up to. Witnessed it, too, so it makes sense for me to tell Gail.”
“If you’re up for it,” Derek said. “I’ll go in to talk to Gail with you, if you want.”
I smiled then. “I’d like that, Derek, but I think it’s probably better for me to talk to her alone.” With that, I turned around away from Derek and was about to head over to Gail’s office when I felt a light but firm tap on the shoulder from behind.
I thought it was Derek, turning around to tell him I’ll be fine. “Like I said, Derek…” I began, but realized the large muscular man dressed in black who stood imposingly right behind me was not Derek.
It was Vincent, the loyal and reliable driver who worked for Collins.
I couldn’t help giving him a welcome back hug and then pulling back. “If you’ll come with me, Miss Sullivan,” he said, “Mr. McGregor wants to see you no
w.”
Chapter 4
I turned to go grab my purse from my desk when Vincent gently placed his gigantic right hand on my shoulders, stopping me in place.
“But I have to get my purse and clock out and…”
“Already taken care of,” Vincent said, handing me my purse and soft pink sweater.
“I still have to talk to Gail about something and to let Derek know I’m leaving early,” I said.
Vincent didn’t blink, but touched my shoulders again, turning me around to face the direction of Gail’s office. I blinked, not believing what I was seeing.
Walking out of her office, in deep conversation with Gail, in contrast to her dark blunt bobbed haircut, small frame and soft grey sweater dress, was a tall, long-legged and lean, but muscular young man in his mid-twenties. Blond with icy blue eyes, sculpted cheekbones and full sensual lips, Collins McGregor looked as beautifully flawless as the day I bumped headfirst into him at school.
He was dressed in a black Armani suit with a silk grey and red striped tie. Impeccable, but sexy at the same time, as the first button of his shirt was unbuttoned, revealing a hint of his smooth golden tanned skin underneath. Immediately my mind turned to the delicious image of Collins without his shirt on as I remembered all too fondly.
My breath almost catch when he stopped talking to Gail, turned, and faced me. It was as though the world stood still as his icy blue eyes fringed with dark lashes cut clear across the room to focus on mine. It’s been months since I’ve seen him, touched him. Months since we’ve tasted each other.
But as soon as we’ve laid eyes on one another, it was as though we’ve never left each other. I saw him take a breath as we stared at each other, his eyes never leaving mine. I must have inhaled deeply at the same time because I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until Collins appeared before me, taking me into his arms and enfolded me tightly to his chest.
