by Kailin Gow
My heart broke just hearing about Collins’ childhood. “How could his mother be so cruel?”
“Drugs,” Gail said. “She was high on it, and prostituted her son to feed her habit.”
“Collins said his mother died when he was really young, but you mentioned how she sold him for drugs? Then he was only a child?”
“She overdosed when he was fifteen, but that one year of prostituting him like that, scarred him for life. Before then, she abused him, beat him, and took out all her frustrations on him. Poor Collins,” Gail shook her head. “In his mind, he’s blocked out all those years, and believed she died when he was very young.”
“He must harbor so many feelings for her, I can imagine,” I said. My poor poor sweet Collins. I could imagine how this beautiful blonde angelic little boy had to grow up watching his mother get wasted, beat him, and then having too support her and him by prostituting himself as a young teen. He associated love with being beaten, and then being prostituted out. No wonder why he sought out love in any way he could find it, even if it was from lovers who wanted to beat him or get beaten by him. I shuddered, thinking about the Production Room.
As though Gail knew where my thoughts were, she asked. “Did you two finally…?”
I blushed. It was almost like my mother asking that question, but with my mother, with all her flaws, it was easier to say the truth. “He brought me to the point of release twice,” I said.
“You have improved,” Gail said, looking impressed. “You should be proud with how you’re able to get so far with being intimate with someone when before, it brought nothing by terrorizing fear.”
I had to smile about that. “That’s because Collins is very very good in bed,” I said. “When I’m with him, it’s like nothing else matters. We’re in a world all by ourselves. I’ve never felt this way before. I’ve never felt this way about anyone.” I bit my lips, not wanting to get emotional in Gail’s office. “I wished I trusted him earlier so we could have gotten past all of this faster, but I can’t worry about that now. How’s Collins? Why did he call you?” I asked.
“Like I said, he’s terrified you’re going to leave him. He’s so worried you’ll be so scared of him to the point of leaving him forever.”
I threw down my arms in frustration. “I would never do that because…”
“You need to talk to him,” Gail said. “But first, I’m headed out to see him. He wanted to meet me for an emergency session at my Newport Beach office alone. Just him, which I think is a good idea since having you there when he’s vulnerable like that will only make him retreat further. But afterwards when I can get him out of his Daggers stage, you should talk to him and reassure him of your love and acceptance. That’s what he’s craving, Sam. Love and acceptance from the woman he loves.” Gail took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’ve been his therapist for a few years, ever since he found me when I had my practice. He was already pretty successful, and I knew who he was. But he’s had such a tough childhood and life up to now. All the women he’s ever known and loved in his life have failed him, Sam. I know it’s a lot to ask, and I’m setting aside my professional hat and wearing my personal one…could you give him a chance? Not only does he have an intense connection to you, but an emotional one. Somehow something about you make him want to reach out to you, to become a better man.”
“I’ll try,” I said. “I can’t give up on Collins. I admit to being scared of going into that dark corner with him, Gail…I mean I don’t know anything about sex or the kind of stuff he’s into…but I love him and I…”
Gail got up, came around her desk, and put her two hands on my shoulders. “I know, and that’s why I believe you can pull him out of it. I’ve never met a young woman with inner strength and resilience like you. You fall down, but you get back up. You didn’t choose the easy road, going to Stanford and moving away, for a reason. You chose to stay. There’s something there to be said.” She gave me a knowing smile.
Coming from Gail, who have seen so much, met so many people, and what I aspired to be as a counselor one day, that meant a lot. I was speechless. I could only nod.
Gail gathered her purse and coat, heading out the door before I can catch up. “I should probably be with him for an hour to two. Afterwards, I think you should go home and talk to him, and take good care of him.”
“I will,” I said, following her down the hall.
When she was out of the building, I walked back to my desk. Derek wasn’t there, but the green light signaling a caller was on the line was blinking. I sat down and placed my headphones on before pressing the button to “talk”.
“Hi, this is Sawyer House. I’m Susan. What do you want to talk about today?”
“Uh, Hi Susan,” came a young man’s voice. “I’m Joe. I’m calling because I want to know what I should do.”
“About what?” I asked.
“I know about something some guys at a frat party did to a girl in one of my dorms.”
“What happened?” I asked. “Maybe if you tell me what happened, I can help you make a decision better.”
“Well, there was this frat party, and almost everyone was drunk. Ella, the girl in my dorms, was so drunk she was passed out on the couch. One boy began fondling her, and she didn’t wake up. Another undressed her, and then it got so bad…” Joe stopped talking.
“Are you still there?” I asked.
“I’m here,” she said. “It got so bad, they were raping her.”
“Did anyone try to stop them?” I asked.
“Most of the girls at the party were so disgusted they left the room, and the guys were egging each other on to see who could rape her next.”
“You were there to see all that?”
“I’m in the same fraternity, I couldn’t leave or I’d be kicked out.”
“You know it’s wrong, Joe. What they did is not only wrong, but illegal, and a crime.”
“I know, but if I tell, the guys will find out, and they would kick me out or worst, set me up so that my future’s ruined.”
“Do you have proof of what happened?” I asked.
“No, I don’t,” said Joe. “That’s why I haven’t reported it yet. The girl, Ella, probably doesn’t even know it since she was knocked out. If I bring it out into the open, she’ll find out, and really be embarrassed, if not, horrified with what happened to her.”
I sighed, getting exasperated. This was a tough one, and I wanted to tell him to risk reporting it, but without evidence, it could make the victim look even worse. Like she was a slut, instead of the victim.
“Joe, are you friends with Ella?”
“I talk to her sometimes since she’s in the same dorm.”
“You should talk to her and let her know,” I said. “She has a right to know what happened to her, especially when she was knocked out drunk and didn’t know. That’s the first step. I know that’s going to be tough, but you have to in order for her to deal with it and not find out later.”
“If you were in that situation, is that what you’d do,” Joe asked.
I felt uncomfortable then, remembering back to the Billy Incident when I was thirteen.
“I was in that kind of situation,” I said. “Only it was one guy, who had bullied me relentlessly until I agreed to let him touch me.”
“Sorry to hear that, Susan,” Joe said.
“Trust me, Joe,” I said. “If that happened to me, I’d want to know it.”
“Then I’ll do it,” Joe said. “My conscience will bug me until I do.”
“Good luck with it,” I said, before switching off the “talk” button.
The green light shot back on again, and I answered, thinking it was my last caller. “Forget something?” I asked, switching back into my Susan mode.
“Um, is this Sawyer House?” a new male voice asked. There was something familiar with it.
“Yes, it is,” I said. “This is Susan. How may I help you?”
“Susan, eh?” the young man said
. “So this is Susan. Slutty Susan. Been sleeping around a lot lately, Slut?”
“How dare you!” I said, anger flaring out of me. “I’m hanging up on you so don’t plan on ever calling back.” I lifted my finger to turn off the “talk” button, but stopped with the next thing the caller said.
“How does it feel to be fucked by that billionaire playboy Collins McGregor? Bet you loved it, bet you love being slapped and spanked…”
I almost choked. Who was this?
“Think you’re all grown up now, Susan? Think just because some rich pretty boy wants to fuck you, you’re some clean piece of ass now?”
“Stop,” I said. “Whoever you are…you’re not scaring me.”
“But I am,” the caller went on. “I’m scaring you shitless.”
“You don’t even know me,” I said.
“Oh, you know me, and I know you very well…inch by inch. Undressed you once, and you loved it.”
“Who are you?” I repeated again, trying not to let him get to me.
“You and your daddy were such pillars of society. My folks listened to him every week, how he counseled them on their marriage, how to raise me so I’m not the white trash drug-popping addicts they were. It didn’t work so I couldn’t wait to see how broken your family can get. First I ruin your Pastor’s kid princess image. Dirty up your prettiness. Then I ruin him. Your high and mighty father. Make him regret ever thinking I’m just poor white trash, not good enough for his daughter.”
My mouth dropped open. “Billy?”
There was an ugly chuckle at the end of the phone. “Thought I couldn’t find you, after all these years. I’m a man now, a much bigger guy than I used to be. Your daddy can’t push me around now, can’t send me to juvenile detention, like he did.”
“I didn’t know…” I said, I couldn’t have known. My mind shut down the entire Billy Incident a while back. It was as though it existed only to be my nightmares.
“Ruined my parents when I went; their marriage fell apart. I got sent to juvenile detention only to be shipped off to somewhere far away. Another state. I blame you and your father.”
“You leave him alone,” I said, trying to sound brave.
“I know where he is at his new church. I know where your sister is. I know all about you, been watching you, Samantha, for a while now. Maybe your rich boyfriend will try to protect you. Maybe not. I’d like to see him try, though. I’d like to see what kind of guy you’d finally be willing to give it up to really looked like.”
My heart sank, and my mouth filled with bile, making me want to gag, remembering the filthy details of when Billy tried to force me to have sex with him, tried to make me go down on him. If not, he’ll beat the crap out of me. I shudder in terrified horror as the memory became clearer. I was suddenly out-of-breath, my palms sweaty and hands shaking so much, I dropped the phone.
“Hello? Hello, Slut? Guess you’re really scared.” He laughed. “Now that I found you, I intend on making good with raping you. I’m not through with you yet.”
That’s when I slumped to the ground, shaking and paralyzed. I was strong, but years of torment, of physical and emotional threats when I was the most vulnerable; left me walking with an open wound.
Billy’s out of jail. He’s out to get me. This time, he wants revenge.
Chapter 12
“Sam! Are you alright? What happened?” Derek was crouching near me, holding me in his arms while I buried my face into his chest.
“He’s found me. He’s been stalking me all this time…”
“Who? Who’s been stalking you?” Derek asked. “God Sam, you’re so pale and you’re shaking like a leaf.”
“Billy,” I said.
“That kid who was here to prank on us?” Derek asked. “He’s been bothering you all this time?”
“Not him,” I protested. “Another Billy…” a sudden wave of nausea came over me as the memory of him holding me down on the table, naked and trying to scream but muffled by his hand over my mouth, washed over me. I gagged, and Derek held me up.
“I don’t…I don’t want to talk about it, Derek,” I said taking a deep breath to calm me down.
I can do this. I can get past my fear of the bully who terrorized me and tried to rape me that day at church.
I shuddered again, as though my body wanted to get rid of the toxic memory of that and of his threat over the phone. I have to or he will go after someone I cared about.
“Sam,” Derek said, “Whatever it is, you can tell me. It’s what I’m trained to do. I’m a professional…”
I looked into his kind puppy dog eyes and tried to tell him, but the shame of it, made me clamp my mouth shut. I shook my head and looked down.
Derek’s hand cupped my cheeks then and he leaned in. I thought he was going to kiss me, but all he did was whisper into my ears. “It’s okay, Sam. You’re okay.”
I want to believe him, but I can’t. I shook my head. “No,” I muttered. “It’s not okay.” Memories of Billy at school, following my every move, began surfacing like a tidal wave. Memories of Billy cornering me right when he can catch me alone, crept into my mind. His threats, his unwanted touching, his attempts at kissing me with his sloppy wet kisses. Everything about him disgusted me. My mind had locked into a trance as the memories of small details I’ve blocked out crept back in. How Billy smelled like sausages, how his face and hair was always oily and dirty, how he pushed other kids around and stole things from the smaller ones. Even at twelve years old when I first met him in school, he was big, big enough to hurt an innocent kid in class so badly that he had to be sent to the emergency room. Big enough to hurt his mother and father, and once a teacher when they once tried to intervene as he was beating the crap out of a boy in school.
“Sam,” he jeered into my face, his breath smelling so foul I had to turn away to avoid breathing it in. “You tell anyone this, I swear I would slit your pretty throat.” He then pushed me into the girl’s bathroom, and fondled me while I protested. “I want to take you in your daddy’s church,” he said after the fifth time he groped me while I cried silently. “Next Sunday. You meet me in the All-Purpose Room after service. If you don’t show up, I know where to find your little sister. And if you tell anyone, I’ll cut off your tongue.”
“Sam, Sam!” Derek was shaking me. “Answer me. Why are you shivering like that, why can’t you say anything…it’s like you’re in a trance.” He pulled me up and lifted me, carrying me in his arms down the hall to Gail’s office.
I was conscious of what he was doing, but mentally paralyzed in fear as my mouth stayed clamped tight, afraid of Billy’s threats.
“Gail’s not here,” Derek said. “I don’t know what to do to get you out of this. Sam…please talk to me. I’m here to help. All I want is to help you.”
Gail? Did he say Gail? I know a Gail, and she told me something important today. Something about someone I care about…how she needed me to help him.
Who? What did he need me to do?
“Sam,” Derek said. “How can I help? What do you need me to do right now?” He ran his fingers through his wavy brown hair, and shoved it into his pants pockets. “I’m going to call Collins. Maybe he knows what’s going on.”
Collins? Collins McGregor…who made me feel things I’ve never felt before, sensations so wonderful yet powerful, my body began reliving the pleasure of it, turning warmer and warmer. “Collins!” I said suddenly.
“He’s not picking up.” Derek said, his back turned to me. Then he turned around, his face surprised, but ecstatic. “You’re talking. Sam, you’re saying something!” He pulled me to him and hugged me tight. “I thought you were out. I’ve never seen it before. You were completely somewhere else…”
Being so close to him, feeling his arms around me in a kind loving way, made me feel secure, and I nestled closer to him. “I’m sorry to scare you like that. I…just…all these strong memories. So painful, it’s crippling. It came all at once.” I shook my head not wanting
to remember any of it. I focused instead on the one memory that kept me from going there in my mind, with my body. Collins, whose presence was so strong and powerful to me that I felt my lower stomach clenching in memory of the last time I felt my entire body go. The pleasure he brought to me to get me there…
“I have to go,” I said to Derek, my face almost flushed. I didn’t want to let Derek see me this way either or he might think it’s because of him.
Too late. My body was against his, after all, and he was holding me tightly against his chest while my heart began pounding faster against mine. “Sam,” Derek said, his voice hoarse and husky. “If there is anything you want to talk to me about, I’m here. You know that, don’t you?” He took my hands in his and began rubbing them with his thumbs, sensual slow circles that added to my aroused state. “I care so much for you, and it hurts me to see you like that.” He raised my face with his fingers so he can look me in the eye. “Sam, I mean this, if you’re in any trouble, call me.” His eyes dropped from mine to look briefly at my lips, where his right thumb had begun to massage. “I want you to be happy, Sam, I really do, but you have to trust me. Let go of whatever is hurting you, whoever is hurting you, and allow new happier experiences to take its place.”
I stared at him while he spoke, his thumb making my lower lips swollen and aching to be kissed.
Derek was talking about creating happier new experiences…well, that was what I had wanted with Collins. Collins! “Derek,” I whispered.
He leaned in, thinking I wanted him closer. He closed his eyes as his lips lightly brushed mine, but I turned away. A couple of days ago, I might have kissed back, still unsure of my feelings for him and my feelings for Collins, but now, after everything with Collins, I knew I had to remain friends with Derek. I can’t cross the lines.
