With my hand in her hair and the other holding one of hers, I felt whole for the first time since I’d climbed out her bedroom window the day she left.
“I’m sorry......”
Chapter 26
Josh
I held her all night while she slept; her father had come into the room and given me a hard look before leaving again.
The hospital staff had tried to get me to leave but I’d frozen them out, let them fucking try.
My father’s influence had put an end to their interference though and soon I was fast asleep with
her in my arms.
I awoke sometime later to a screeching voice. At first I couldn’t make out what the person was screaming about but I eventually caught a few words.
From what I could piece together I figured it was Paula out there.
The door opened and this bleach blonde harpy came into the room, all motherly concern.
I was off the bed before she could get the first word out.
I crowded her until she backed up out of the room, the Captain and my family watched me like I’d gone around the bend, maybe I had.
“Get the fuck out of here.”
“Wha...who are you?”
I leaned into her so I could whisper in her ear.
She turned sheet white before she pulled back to look me in the face.
“Well....fine, I’ll just come back later then.”
“Don’t bother; you can see her when she’s well enough to decide if that’s what she wants.”
“Joshua what the hell is going on, you’re being rather presumptuous aren’t you, that’s Carrie’s mother....”
“Yeah and you’re her father, and I’m her soul mate and we each in our own way let her down. I’m fixing my shit starting now, and that means no one gets near her again.”
“Boy.....”
“Captain I’m not doing this here with you, not while she’s lying there like that but I will tell you this, one day you should ask your daughter about her life with her so called mother.....”
“I don’t know what lies Carrie told you......
“Carrie doesn’t lie, she’s the most honest fucking person I know, and she didn’t tell me shit, I read it in the diaries she’s been keeping since she was ten years old you bitch.”
I knew I was losing my shit, partly due to guilt and partly because I knew that most of my lamb’s issues stemmed from her treatment at this bitch’s hands.
I turned to the Captain next.
“I fucked up, but we got a shit load of work to do, you can either work with me or against me, but know this, no one will come between us, no one, and before you go casting blame know that this was always bound to happen, she’s always been on a collision course with disaster, you’re partly to blame for that too, not because you didn’t care, but because you didn’t know.”
“What the hell are you talking about son?”
“Not here Captain and I’m not leaving her so it’ll have to be another time.”
“Paula you better start talking.” He pulled her down the hall by her elbow.
“You okay there son?” Dad came over to me as the others left the room.
“I will be....dad I fucked up.”
“How so son?”
I’d never shied away from telling my parents anything, why start now.
“Carrie pissed me off and I....I reacted badly, I might’ve gone too far. She made this comment about some guy she met in Europe; looking back I can see that it was just a joke to her...but at the time.......”
“Knowing you son, I know you wouldn’t be able to see the humor in something like that. Does she have any idea what you feel for her?”
“No, not really,...I’ve spent so much time trying to get her to see that side of me, the side that she’d have to put up with for the rest of her life, that I think I neglected to show her my heart.”
“Joshua, son, you’re like your grandpa, old before your time, you don’t think like a teenager, it might be hard for a young girl to understand your more...... intense ways.”
Yeah my father knows I’m a dominant fuck, the thing is, this isn’t a bedroom persona, this is who I am, and I’m honest enough to know it’s who I’ll always be.
I can’t promise that I’ll never hurt my lamb again, but I can promise that I’ll never let her come to this ever again, not by my doing or anyone else’s.
She slept fitfully off and on for the rest of the morning.
I read to her, sang to her, and throughout it all I held her.
My family and her dad were in and out all day until the Captain had to go to work. We exchanged a long stare before he left.
He got the picture, I wasn’t going anywhere, the funny thing is Carissa thought I was overbearing before, this shit was only going to make it worse.
Now I knew how weak she really was, I was going to be even more of a dick, my protector shield was in place, she needed me, I needed her. We just had to meet halfway.
When she finally awoke we just stared at each other until she broke down in tears and almost tore my fucking heart out of my chest.
“Baby, don’t, I’m sorry little lamb, I’m so, so sorry, I didn’t know, didn’t realize.”
“I hate you.”
She said this even as she clung to me.
“I know I’ll make it better.”
“You promised.”
I felt my own tears start to fall....fuck for the first time in my life I felt like a seventeen year old boy.
“I love you lamb, I’ll never hurt you like that again....but you have to stop running away.”
“I didn’t leave because you whipped me Joshua; I left because......you shouldn’t be trying to control me.”
I held her closer; her words were soft and weak, her body still fighting to come back to itself. The doctors say it’ll be a while, maybe a few weeks, but as long as she keeps a steady diet she should be back to normal.
This was a conversation best left for when she was better.
“We’ll talk when you’re feeling better okay, just know that I’m not going anywhere, ever again.”
She fell asleep after that.
Chapter 27
Josh
I’d had my parents get our work from school so we could keep up with our classes while she was in here.
There was no way I was leaving her; we spent our days reading and completing assignments.
She was being kept until her vitals were back to normal and they were sure she was on the mend, my dad had a lot to do with that I’m sure because these days they were quick to kick you out of the hospital bed.
“Are you ready for your shower?”
She’d been getting sponge baths from the nurse but this was her third day here, although she was still weak, she insisted on taking a shower, I’d told her the only way that was going to happen was if I was there to take care of her
We haven’t had any heavy discussions as yet, everything has been kept light, but we both know that we needed to have that talk; so far it’s just been about school work and lighter things.
Every night I held her as she slept, watching over her until sleep took me away as well.
I helped her up from the bed and into the bathroom; she was being shy all of a sudden.
“Stop that baby; I’ve seen you naked before, there’s nothing to be shy about.”
I took the back of the gown from her grasp as she held onto the IV machine with the other.
Peeling it off first one arm and then unhooking the bag from the machine to remove the other I almost fell to my knees at what I saw.
She got into the shower stall and turned on the water quickly while I hooked the saline bag back up, never taking my eyes from her body.
I started to run the washcloth over her back and that’s when I fucking broke.
With the shower running, I pulled her down on the floor of the stall into my lap as I cried.
“I’m so sorry baby.....” Her fucking body, not that she’d had m
uch weight to begin with, but she was healthy before, I could count her ribs now, her hip bones were pronounced, and her vertebrae were shooting through her skin.
She felt like a starved kitten under my hands.
What the fuck had I done, when I’d decided to keep myself away from her, I’d never expected this. I expected her to push back hard, to show me that she was tough, but eventually she would realize she couldn’t live without me.
I’d obviously underestimated the weakness of her psyche and in doing so had almost killed her.
“I’m so sorry lamb...I promise you, never again, no matter what.”
I took one of her malnourished hands in mine and brought our joined hands to my chest over my erratically beating heart.
“I want you to listen to me, as long as I live, no matter how mad I might become, I will never not be in love with you, never, please hold on to that.
I’m sorry I hurt you like this, there are no words to justify what I did, no excuses good enough, but I will make this up to you, just please baby, don’t ever do this to yourself again. I love you little lamb, others might not understand, they might think we’re too young to know, but I know, I know I’ll never love anyone the way I love you, and believe it or not, I know from this, that you love me as much as I love you,....just please baby....don’t...”
I couldn’t finish as she turned her head into my neck and cried, heart hurt, gut wrenching sobs that shook her poor emaciated body like she was about to break apart.
I folded her slight form into my arms and held her as she cried out her sorrow while the water poured down on us.
I had a lot to do, after we’d finished in the shower I’d changed her gown for one of my t shirts and had them change the sheets on her bed.
I slow fed her the burger I’d had Matt sneak in for her, they didn’t want her eating too much too fast, but she wanted it and I figured if I gave her little bites every few minutes it should be okay.
There was no repeat performance from Paula and Captain had been in and out the last few days, he seemed to be getting better at trusting me with her again, but I knew that relationship needed to be rebuilt as well. I’d been a total dick to him.
Don’t be fooled, I’m still the same Joshua, I’ve just been putting shit in perspective, I’m always going to be dominant, that’s who the fuck I am, but I’d learned that as tough as she pretended to be, it’d been a con, she was tough yes, with everyone else, but with me, it was another story, just as she was the one that could break me, I was her one weakness as well.
I was going to have to be careful of her tender heart in the future.
Carrie
Crazy boy has been on his best behavior these last few days, ever since our little breakdown in the shower.
It was kind of cathartic in a way for all that it was embarrassing, I didn’t want him to see me like that, I didn’t want to see me like this, it was horrendous.
My dad was being super protective and cute, it was funny to watch him, and Joshua argue over, well everything, when they thought I was asleep they argued over the TV, when it wasn’t that it was about the temperature in the room.
Since I was always cold Joshua had the thermostat set on Hades, dad was always complaining that he was sweltering.
They never discussed anything too heavy, except once dad brought up Paula and I noticed Joshua glance at my eyes before shaking his head.
He couldn’t tell that I was awake since I barely had my eyes cracked, but I caught the movement of his head.
Matt and Vanessa had come by and apologized, apparently some other kids from school had tried coming by as well but Joshua turned them away.
From what I heard him grumbling to his parents, they were just there for gossip since I never had much to do with them when I was at school any way.
After his folks had left I’d tried reasoning with him that just maybe they were sincere and his answer had been then they could wait until I was home and better. I knew what was really going on in that head of his. He didn’t want to share me with anyone.
I hadn’t quite forgiven Vanessa and Matthew which was strange since I’d forgiven Joshua, then again he hadn’t left me any choice, he’d just been his usual annoying self, not adhering to my wishes to leave me the fuck alone which I think I had yelled at him numerous times those first days after I woke up.
He’d simply told me he was keeping tabs of all my insults and will be exacting retribution in the future.
Yeah, I was waiting to see how long his reformed self was going to hang around, though he’d convinced me that he would never let us get to this point again, I wasn’t for one minute fooled into believing that he would change his domineering ways and the truth is, I like it.
It somehow makes me feel safe, if that makes me sick, then so be it, but it’s what I’ve come to crave from him.
I love the way he tells the hospital staff ‘I’ve got that’ when they try to do something personal for me, or the way he glowers at the orderlies or any other male who comes within spitting distance.
We haven’t done anything sexual obviously, but this new closeness, his arms always around me whether I’m asleep or awake; I could live with that forever.
Chapter 28
Josh
It’s going home day, I’m happy and sad at the same time. Happy that she’s doing well enough to be released, and sad that I’m not going to have her to myself twenty four seven.
In the last three of her seven day stretch in here, I found myself just listening to her. She was a funny kid; she was also sweet as fuck with a heart of gold.
How that happened with a mother like Paula is a miracle but I’m glad it did. It’s as though her defenses were down and I was seeing a whole new side to her.
I don’t think we’ve laughed as much as we did in that hospital bed, where I held her close even while we were awake.
She’d forgiven me and I was learning to forgive myself.
I’d taken to carrying her around everywhere, when she had to go for tests or she just wanted to walk around, the chair my dad had had provided for her would be left sitting in the corner of the room and I would carry her like a baby.
The nurses all thought it was cute, I wasn’t trying to be cute, it was just the beginning of my taking care of the lamb.
Her father came to take her home, but my old hellion raised her head and insisted that I was to do it, Captain who was still a little peeved at me just raised his hands up in surrender and stepped aside.
“Joshua I won’t break just put me down already.” She was laughing at me, we were standing outside the hospital at the passenger side of my Ranger, and I was nervous as fuck for some reason.
“Promise me that I’ll see you every day.”
She looked at me like I had two heads.
“What, why wouldn’t you?”
“I don’t know.....” I shook my head.
“I guess I just got used to having you to myself all the time, it’s gonna take some getting used to not being there with you, especially when you sleep.”
“Joshua we hardly use to sleep apart before.”
“I know, but somehow this feels different, way different.”
“We’ll be fine, now let’s go before they think something’s wrong and haul me back in there.”
On the ride home I kept looking at her to make sure she was okay, I kept one hand on her knee, she was still so slender, but she’d gained two pounds and if she kept it up she should be back to normal in a couple of weeks.
I realized what was wrong with me when we pulled up to her father’s house.
I was scared as fuck, what if something happened when I wasn’t there, what if she forgot to eat, who was going to mash up her carrots and play airplane and make her laugh so they weren’t so yucky anymore?
I can’t do this, I held onto the steering wheel so tight my fist turned white.
“Babe, you okay?”
I could only nod my head, but I was far from okay, I think
I was having a panic attack, my heart was racing, and my palms grew sweaty.
The Captain knocked on my window, when I rolled it down he just stared at me for a while before nodding his head and with a ‘see you guys inside’ he walked away.
I wonder what the fuck that was about.
“You ready sweetheart?”
“Yep, soon as you are.”
I walked around and picked her up out of her seat, I think this was my new favorite thing, toting her around, even after she was all better I think I will still do it.
Her arms around my neck felt good, everything about us felt good for a change; maybe I was afraid it would all end now that she was home and out of danger, maybe I was worried that we’ll fall back into the same routine again.
Well Joshua, you’ll just have to use your genius brain to make sure that didn’t happen.
Inside, the house was decorated with welcome home banners and flowers, mom and Vanessa had gone crazy, there was food and drink, and presents of all things.
“Ooh gifts, I likey.”
I guess they knew my girl after all.
I put her down on the couch and stood over her like a sentinel. Get a grip Steele.
“Welcome home Carrie.”
They came out of the kitchen, dad and the Captain had their heads together about something, Vanessa was a little tentative but mom was her usual effusive self, Matt had a huge chicken leg in one hand and a can of soda in the other.
When he spoke it sounded like growls and grunts, we all just laughed and that broke the ice.
I would have to talk to her later about my siblings and my family’s tradition of standing together; she would have no way of knowing about things like that coming from a place of neglect. I’d also have to convince her that although my family had stood with me, they’d spent every waking moment fighting for her cause.
It’s probably the first time that I can recall where they’d been just as mad at me as they were at the other person, if not more.
She was now a part of that so hopefully one day she would understand.
Passion Page 11
