by Kimi Flores
I scanned the room at all the smiling faces. At least I thought they were smiling. Among my mother’s friends, it was difficult to tell the difference between a smile and the stiffness of Botox injections.
“A mother offers her unconditional love, support, and guidance throughout her child’s life. Nothing on earth can duplicate that kind of love.” Tightening my lips, I spoke from my heart. “Unfortunately, I’m not familiar with that feeling.”
My eyes darted to Stefen, then my father. I knew this was difficult for them to hear, but I also saw pride in their eyes for me having the nerve to do this. I looked down at my intertwined fingers gathering my courage before I continued.
“I wish I knew the woman you all described. She sounds like someone I would’ve loved.” My bottom lip began to quiver, not for my mother but because of the pain she’d caused. “The mother I knew thought I was her biggest disappointment and felt the need to tell me that, daily.” My throat became thick as I forced myself to get the next part out. “Even in her death, she made sure I would catch on to why she ended her own life.”
Although the frozen facial expressions did not change, gasps were heard throughout the room.
I held my head high, pushing myself to keep going. “I’m standing up here today to tell her that she did not destroy me like she’d hoped. I’m stronger now and ready to live my life without her tormenting words replaying in my head.”
Caleb’s father stood up. It was the first time I’d noticed him, and I couldn’t help but glare in his direction long enough for other people to turn to see what I was looking at.
My strength increased as I finished my speech. “My mother wasted her adult life, waiting on something that would never come. Something unworthy of waiting for. I don’t plan on wasting another day on things that don’t matter and quite frankly, this funeral is a joke. You can all continue putting on your show, mourning in front of each other, but I know the truth, and I’m over it.” I stepped away from the podium, heading toward the back of the room. There was no need to look back and see if Josh was following me. I felt him there.
As I passed my uncle, he grabbed my hand. “That was very disrespectful, Brianna.”
I was seething. Disrespectful? Leaning forward, I yanked my hand out of his grasp. “You are the last person to talk about what’s respectful and what’s not. Move on,” I said haughtily. “I don’t want to have anything to do with you. Understand?” He jerked his head back obviously surprised by my retort.
Damn that felt good!
Stomping out of the room, I flung the door open, the sun shining brightly on my face as if it was welcoming me. I continued off until I felt Josh tug on my arm. Turning around, I found all my family members and friends behind me, as well as the man I loved. “I wanna leave,” I told Josh. “Take me home.”
Pulling me into his arms, Josh kissed my forehead. “Okay. Let’s go.”
Chapter Seventeen
Coffee & My Man
Bri
“Babe, the kids are gonna be here soon. Do you wanna join us today?”
I felt tender kisses on my eyelids, attempting to pull me out of my slumber. I’d slept a lot these last several weeks, since our return from Chicago. It took everything I had to try and pull myself out of my sleep-induced funk today. But having Josh by my side was a great reason to wake up every day.
Stretching groggily, I opened my eyes, finding my boyfriend’s loving blues staring at me.
“Yeah,” I answered. “I miss the kids. I definitely want to see them today.”
His wide smile warmed my heart. “Can I help ya with anything?”
He’d been so amazing, taking care of me when, at times, all I wanted to do was curl up and shut the entire world out. I couldn’t imagine going through this without him right by my side.
Although he tried to hide his concern, I knew he worried about me. And it was difficult for me to fight unwanted thoughts, feeling like my baggage wasn’t worth putting up with anymore. But every time one of those stupid thoughts came into my head, Josh kept proving me wrong. Not only had he been taking care of me, but he’d made sure to check up on Stefen, Caleb, Leah, Abby and even my father, simply because he knew it was important to me.
Scooching into a sitting position, I leaned against the wooden headboard. “Is there any coffee?” I grinned up at him when he reached for the nightstand, picked up a mug, handing me a little piece of heaven on earth.
“Way ahead of you.” He gave me a peck on the lips.
The mug warmed my palms as I smelled the liquid happiness. “Have I told you that I love you?” I took a sip and sighed.
“Every morning when I bring you your coffee,” he chuckled. Leaning in, he stole another quick kiss before licking my coffee from his lips.
“When are they going to be here?” I blew on the hot liquid, taking a long delicious mouthful before swallowing.
Damn, he knows how to make a good cup of coffee. I think I’ll keep him.
“Two hours.” Josh stretched out on his side, resting his head on the palm of his hand.
I ran a finger down his white T-shirt. I loved when he laid with me like this, in just his boxers and T-shirt, with his disheveled morning hair everywhere. Totally adorable.
After one more sip, I placed the cup on the nightstand, stood up with my back to him and purposefully stretched my arms above my head. My silky tank top lifted away from the top of my panties, revealing my lower back. “My entire body is sore from laying down so much. I guess I better jump in the shower and get ready.”
I heard the blankets rustling as Josh scrambled to get out of bed, standing behind me. “Mind if I join you?”
Peering over my shoulder, I popped my eyes open further as I strolled seductively away, stripping off my clothes. “I was counting on it.”
My coping mechanism had changed a lot since I started dating Josh. I used to run away, travel the world. Now I wanted to face my problems head on and reward myself by getting lost in our love.
Somehow Josh managed to undress and get in to the shower before I did. I laughed, shaking my head at his goofy, eager grin.
Coffee and my man. What a great way to start my day.
⁂
Smoothing the horse brush down Smokey’s mane, I watched the magnificent animal snort his approval. His large brown eyes blinked quickly as a fly buzzed around his face. The other three horses—Dakota, Fergie and Elvis—looked on, twitching their tails expectantly like they were wondering when they’d be getting their turns.
“You look happy.” Startled, I jumped, hearing Josh behind me.
Smiling shyly, I continued trailing the brush down Smokey’s long black hair. “Yeah. I’m really looking forward to seeing the kids today.” I turned my head and sighed contently enjoying my view of him leaning against the stable door. “But mostly, I’m at peace because I feel like I finally belong somewhere.” Beaming, I added, “With someone I love.”
He pushed away from the barn door and wrapped his arms around my waist, resting his chin on my shoulder. “You’re right, you do belong here. With me. What do you say we make it official?”
I tilted my head, my hand stumbling against the horse’s coat before I dropped the brush. “Really?”
Moving my hair to the side, he kissed the intertwined hearts tattoo on my shoulder blade. “Yeah, this is as much your house as it is mine.” He spun me around to face him as Smokey protested, exhaling an entire different snort. “What do you say? Why don’t you move in with me? To our home.”
I blinked. I’d never lived with a boyfriend before. Would things change? Would he get tired of me after a while?
Smoothing my hair to the side of my face, he looked into my eyes. “Bri, whatever is going on in that beautiful head of yours, stop. I’ve never done this before either, but it feels right don’t you think?”
I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and gave him a humorous grin. “Can I get rid of those fugly curtains in the living room?”
“Hey
.” He pretended to be hurt. “You said they were fine.”
My nose wrinkled up. “I was trying not to offend you, but really I hate those things. They look like something a mountain man would put up, just to keep the sunlight out.”
The salesperson must’ve seen him coming a mile away, the day he bought those ugly things.
Sagging his shoulders, he frowned. “Fine. But nothing pink or purple, please.”
I faked offense. “But I wear a lot of purple. You don’t like my clothes?”
Looking up like he’d just shoved his foot in his mouth, he tried to rectify his words. “Everything looks good on you, babe. I meant I don't like purple or pink home decor.”
Casually cocking my eyebrow, I wasn't about to let him off the hook that easy. “You mean like everything in my condo.” He was so fun to mess with.
Taking a step back, he bent forward and laughed. “Well shit, I can't win here. How about this, we can change anything in the house so it fits both of our styles, but please don’t choose those colors.”
“Fine, I’ll just leave everything at the condo for Dani,” I playfully complained, enjoying our banter. “But I can’t stand shopping, so it might be hard finding things to fill up the house.” I smiled, knowing I was lying. He was well aware of my shopping obsession.
“What did I just get myself into?” Squinting one eye closed, he asked, “I don't have to go on these shopping trips, do I?”
I laughed. “Only if you wanna have a say.”
“Well damn. Maybe I need to rethink this whole thing.” Trying to hide his smile, he looked down at the ground, his thumbs in his front pockets.
“Too late, Josh Tucker.” I reached forward and planted a kiss on his lips. “You’re stuck with me, and hmm—” I tapped a finger against my cheek. “I’m thinking pink curtains might be rather nice. I am a girl, you know.”
Grunting, he pulled me toward him, cupping my butt cheeks. “I’m well aware of that, Bri, but there’s no way you’re putting girly drapes up, and I know how competitive you are. This is not open for negotiation.”
I kissed the corner of his mouth before turning back to Smokey. “We’ll see.”
⁂
Josh
“How’s she doing?” Stefen rested his arms against the top of the corral fence, giving me a sideways glance.
“Better. Your dad’s been calling and that seems to lift her spirits. She really wants to get out of her funk, but she’s been sleeping more than not. When she’s not asleep, she’s swimming.” I leaned in, watching Bri help one of the kids with their head protection. It was good to see her out there, smiling.
“That’s how she used to cope. It’s never taken this long before, but this was more than she’s ever had to deal with at one time.” He looked down at the ground, kicking the post with his boot. “Looking back, I should’ve known how bad it was. Bri slept a lot as a teen. I imagine that was the worst time for her.” He took a deep breath, exhaling loudly.
I continued to watch Bri help Leah, the caregivers, and the horse trainers get the next set of kids ready for their ride. How anyone could ever say anything bad to her was beyond me. I realized her mother definitely had issues, but the things she chose to say about Bri made absolutely no sense.
“Dude, you’ve got to stop blaming yourself.” I clapped his shoulder. “She doesn’t.”
He shook his head, sounding bitter. “That’s easy for you to say. You’re her knight in shining armor. I was there when all that shit was going on, and I missed most of it.”
“You had no control over it. And we can’t change it now. The only thing we can do at this point is be there.” I looked down, scraping my foot back and forth on the gravel.
“Yeah, you’re right, I guess.” He stuffed his hands in his pockets, turning so his back was leaning against the fence.
Squinting my eyes, I contemplated bringing something up, but we’d become friends and I was worried about him too. “How are you doing with the whole sister-cousin thing?”
Shrugging, he admitted, “Honestly, it really sucks. Not my feelings for Bri. She’s my sister no matter what, but I still can’t believe this shit. Our parents really screwed us over. Caleb says he’s fine too, but I think he’s taking it harder. I’m sure his father is part of the problem.”
I nodded. “I talked to him the other day. He seemed out of sorts. I guess your uncle’s called several times, trying to get to Bri through him.”
He gave me a pointed look. “There’s no way that’s gonna happen. Not as long as she doesn’t want to know.” With a small smile, he said, “Thank you, Josh. For everything.”
I furrowed my eyebrows. “Of course. Bri’s a part of my life now. What’s important to her is important to me. Anything I can help with, count on me.”
Facing me, he tightened his lips, like he was contemplating what he was about to say. “So, you guys have become serious pretty quickly. I have a feeling there’s more to the story, but I respect you and I trust Bri, so I won’t pry.” He narrowed his eyes, getting to his real question. “The big brother in me wants to know if you guys are living together now. She seems to be here all the time.”
I wasn’t about to lie to him, but she and I had just talked about it right before everyone got there. “Yeah,” I finally said. “Well, she’s officially moving in when we go get her things. Unofficially, she’s been living here since we got back from Chicago though.”
Nodding, he seemed to accept that answer as he moved around to face the kids again. Lifting an eyebrow, he made a confession. “You know, I’ve never approved of any of the guys she’s brought around before.”
With a chuckle, I said, “That doesn’t surprise me.”
“She’s never fought me over a guy before you, though, and for whatever reason, she seems to really like you.” He smirked, backhanding my chest. “So I guess that means you’re okay.”
“Gee, thanks.” I rubbed my chest, figuring that was difficult for him to admit. He’d always been there for his sister, through the crazy events that molded her into the woman she now was. It was understandable that no matter how much she loved me, her brother would probably always have his eye on me.
I wouldn’t expect anything less.
Madison’s braided pigtails bounced up and down as she skipped across the corral, stopping in front of us on the other side of the fence. “Uncle Stefen, come and see the horses with us.”
Leah and Stefen had brought her along today, since she loved hanging out and helping with the kids. I’d seen her at Bri’s a couple times and had to admit she was a cutie.
Holding up his index finger, he smiled down at her. “Give me a second, Squirt. I’m finishing my conversation with Josh here.”
Tilting her small head at me, then Stefen, she inquired, “Where are the cows and bulls? I don’t see any here.” She lifted her small hands in the air, motioning around. “I wanted to see what a real-life bull looks like.”
I creased my lips. “I don’t have bulls or cows, sweetie. Only horses.”
She looked puzzled. “But I heard Daddy tell my mama that he was ’fraid Uncle Stefen was going to cut your bulls off and I thought cows and bulls lived together on ranches.”
Oh shit, don’t laugh.
I bit my lips, letting Stefen take over the conversation. If I opened my mouth, I wasn’t sure if the laughter would be because Madison had misunderstood, or nervousness out of fear for my manhood.
Shifting back and forth, Stefen cleared his throat. “Oh those bulls. Yeah, that was a long time ago. I don’t need to do that now. I think I’ll let him keep those, far far away.” He cocked his eyebrow at me and looked back at Madison. “Maybe we can go to another ranch sometime and see different animals.”
She lit up. “Okay.”
Leah motioned for the little girl to come over to have a turn riding Smokey.
As Madison ran away, Stefen eyed me, smirking. “I probably don’t need to add to that, right?”
Grimacing, I assured him,
“Uh, no. I’ve become quite attached to those bulls. I’d rather they stay right where they are.”
⁂
Bri
Leah and I headed back toward the house after we’d helped the caregivers get the kids safely into their cars. Stefen was assisting Josh with the horses while Madison played in the stable.
“So I was talking to Josh this morning and an idea came to me.” I needed a little distraction and something positive to focus on. “I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I want to do with my time, and I really like the planning part of weddings but don’t necessarily want to just do that.”
“Okay.” Leah nodded me on.
I bit my bottom lip, kicking a small pebble as we walked. “I’m going to talk to Zachary about taking the wedding planner job at the winery until he can find someone permanent. I know he needs help right now and the timing works for me because I’d only have to work when there are events.”
We sat down on the old train station bench positioned on the porch, just under the living room window.
“Ohmigosh!” She clapped her hands excitedly. “That is so awesome. I know he’d love to have you take over for now. It’s so hard to find reliable employees. You’d be taking a huge weight off his shoulders.”
“Yeah well, I have to see what he says before I get too excited.” I nervously chewed on the side of my mouth and added, “There’s something else.” Looking shyly at my sister-in-law, I hoped she would be willing to help me with the next part. “I don’t have any experience and can’t draw for shit but, I’d like to eventually work with a designer and create a line of girly tomboy clothes for kids. The kind that says, yeah I dress like a girl, but I can dig in the dirt and jump on a skateboard just like the boys do. I want to learn the business side first though and I’d love it if you would teach me what you know before I look into anything else.”
