by Jessop, K. L
“That’s the one. He really is magnificent.”
“My word. If only I could get out there and see him for myself.”
Sorrow fills my chest with his words. Before his stroke, Mac was a healthy man of the wild, gamekeeping his forte, and a man that grafted like no man ever has. Since his mobility deteriorated he had to take early retirement from his job. He took it hard for a while but then the old dog came out of retirement and set up his own business on the waterside and now greets people every day with that cheeky smile he never fails to provide.
“So, young man.” He thumps his fist down on the table as my breakfast arrives. “You all set for this trip away?”
“Just about. I’ve got a few things to settle up this week and then I need to think about packing, but other than that, I’m good to go.”
“Brilliant. Remind me of where it is you’re going to again?”
“North Cornwall. The students have a coastal life project to complete before the end of school term.”
I got into teaching shortly after graduating. When I finally went back to uni, I liked helping out others in my group with the knowledge I already had, and then when the local school advertised for support in their photography classes, I jumped at the chance. From then on, teaching has been my thing because I love showing others what I love doing myself. Every year, I look forward to going on the trip because it’s the only holiday I have outside of Keswick.
“What are you doing about Bailey when you’re gone?”
“This time Mum said she would come over and mind him for the week,” I say with a mouthful of bacon.
“Things still ok between you two?”
“I guess. Since Jamie and Sam are no longer on the scene and she now has her life back, we are getting on as good as can be.”
“Hmm. I never liked that man she was married to.”
I chuckle. “You weren’t the only one. It’s good to have a mum that finally listens to me again rather than one who pushes me aside.”
I finish eating my breakfast and watch Bailey as he laps up a small portion of sausages that Mac has given him as a treat, and all the while, I can feel the eyes of my friend watching me in great detail. There is something on his mind, I’m sure of it. I’ve been around him enough to know the signs.
“Is there something you wanna get off your chest, Mac?”
He laughs as if he’s been rumbled and sits forward. “You know me too well, boy.”
“It’s due to years of having you in my life and you becoming the father I never had.” It’s true. With Mum and Sam’s marriage breaking down more as years went on and Sam treating me like an outcast, I looked up to Mac from the first moment he cared for me like no man ever had. I talked, he listened, I cried, and we hugged it out. “So come on, spit it out.”
He looks at me for a moment and nods as if what he’s seen confirmed whatever it is he was thinking. “I saw ol’ man Jones the other day. You know the guy, worked on the council for many years.”
“His name seems to ring a bell. What about him?”
“Word has it that these new council folk want to clear back the overgrown foliage down by the lake and knock down the cabin as it’s not been in use for years. I thought you should know.”
My relaxed body from my morning’s venture is now suddenly building with enraged heat from his words. I’ve not been to that cabin in years; I’ve not been able to take myself there as it holds too many memories of a time when I was happy—of a time when I only saw one life and it was filled with a woman I loved so deeply.
That life changed overnight and everything around me became dark.
The cabin is our place—mine and Everly’s. I don’t wish to take myself back there, but don’t want it to be destroyed either.
“Have they said if it’s going ahead?”
“Not yet. It’s just talk at the moment, but I thought I should mention it regardless.”
“Thanks.”
“It’s your place, Adam. I understand that. But if you’re not planning on ever going there again, don’t you think it’s about time you did something about it?”
“Like what, Mac? It’s not even mine: it belongs to the council. I clearly have no say in it.”
“No, but you could let them do what they are wanting and draw closure on it or be the groundsman for it again like you were. If you don’t want to lose it, which I believe in your heart you don’t, then continue with the upkeep. Make it like it used to be.”
It will never be like it used to be.
“I don’t know if I can do that.”
He looks at me with those eyes of sympathy, knowing what I’m thinking—knowing what I’m feeling because he too lost the love of his life a few years back.
“Well you need to think of something, son, before it’s too late.”
That cabin had always been more of a home to me than my own home was. Both Everly and I shared so many memories there. I can’t bear the thought of it being knocked down. It wouldn’t bring me closure; in many ways it would officialise an end to our relationship—the end to a relationship that, after all this time, is still on my mind as I try to work out why it went wrong. For years, I’ve often thought of leaving Keswick—moving on from a place that leaves an unhealthy void in my heart because the person that always filled it is gone—but every time I think of making that break, it’s like something is holding me back from leaving. There’s not a day that passes where Everly doesn’t invade my thoughts, be it memories of our time spent together, a passing comment by another that triggers a memory, or the emptiness I’ve felt since she left. There’s always something that haunts my mind and pulls at my heart—something that could be longing or anger but that I still can’t work out. To this very day, I still don’t know what changed or why it did.
That New Year’s Eve was meant to be a night to remember, a night of celebration and a night that changed the way I saw my future heading, only I’d woken the next day like someone had taken a sledgehammer to my head and couldn’t—still can’t—remember a damn fucking thing after proposing. All I want is to know what truly happened because I feel I’m somehow responsible for everything changing. It’s like that part of my life has vanished. I woke up one day in a different world to the one I fell asleep in. I guess that’s the hardest part to comprehend—the not knowing. No questions were ever answered and without those answers I’ve found it hard to move on. I’ve tried to forget her, but nothing works. I can’t hold down a relationship because all I ever wanted was her. I’ve not been able to find a connection with other women because the love I had for Everly was so strong it took my breath away. I’ve had other women in my bed over the years, but the only face I’ve seen when I’ve look at them is Everly’s. I’m just stuck in a world of the woman I lost, and I can’t escape from it. It’s unhealthy. It’s wrong and it fucks me off because I want to move on in life but whenever I try, she just sucks me back in.
“I’ll think about it,” I sigh. After paying for my breakfast and whistling for Bailey to follow, I make my way back to my house, hating the fact that once again, the feelings of Everly and the pain she caused is still very much congealed round my heart.
8
Everly
“How are you feeling about today?” Anita asks as we sit on the wall of the harbour, eating ice-cream in the warm sunshine before I head off on my journey to visit my parents. The drive to Keswick is always one I dread for many reasons, but today seems to have my stomach in knots more than usual. Whenever my father goes into have his chemo, I travel up and stay in the hotel closest to the hospital so I can be there with him. I don’t go right into the heart of Keswick and I’ve never visited or stayed at my family home since the day I left. The hotel is just the right amount of distance for me, and my parents are happy with that.
“Ok. Nervous. I feel more on edge today. Mum text to say that Dad was doing well, but I couldn’t help but notice a sense of sadness in her message.”
“How do you mean?”
I shrug my shoulder. “I don’t know really. I just got a vibe that she wasn’t telling me everything.”
“But sometimes messages can be read wrong. You can’t always express what you’re trying to say so maybe that’s where you think she’s not telling you stuff. Maybe all is good, but it was worded a little different.”
I smile softly. Anita has always been one for looking at things from a different perspective. She’s the sensible one out of the two of us, even though she’s five years younger. I remember the first time she served me in Mary-Lynn’s shop when I first came here: she’d looked at me and instantly knew that I was new to the town, verbalising it with a smile. I on the other hand had just looked right through her and left the shop. The second time, she’d tried again to make conversation, but I’d responded in the same way and left without a word. On our third encounter she’d handed me my change and told me that her boss—Mary-Lynn—was wrong about my sweet personality because for a pretty girl I was one moody cow and that it was rude to walk around with my hoody covering my face when all she was trying to do was welcome me to the town. I remember looking at her as my mind digested the words and for the first time in months, I’d smiled. I’d liked her boldness
From then on, we became good friends but got even closer once she moved in with me.
“Maybe you’re right.”
“I’m always right.” She grins before licking the blueberry ice cream that’s just about to drip.
“You going to be alright without me?” I tease, knowing I ask her this every time I leave.
“You know, I don’t think I will. I mean there is plenty of food in the freezer and I’ve got jewellery orders coming out of my ears to keep me occupied for weeks, but somehow I get the feeling not having you here will be a massive struggle.”
I nudge her shoulder. “Less of the sarcasm, woman. You know what I mean.”
“You mean I’m five years younger so I might forget how to cook?”
“Exactly,” I grin.
“I’ll be fine, honest. It’s not like you’ve not gone away before.”
“No, but you’ve never been this busy with orders and I normally help out.” That’s one of the greatest things I love about our friendship, we help each other with our work. Granted, Anita can’t help me with my paintings, but she helps out with the cooking and manages my website if I’m bogged down with designs. In return, I help her make her jewellery if she should get over loaded and seeing as though it’s now June, her orders for the festive season are starting to come in.
She glances at me, a small smile tugging at her lips. “Ev, I’ll be fine, honest. I’ve got enough work to keep me out of trouble. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t contact me if things get too much for you. Like I’ve said before, if you want to cry, yell, laugh or bitch whatever time of the day, I’m here.”
“You’re too good to me.”
“I know.” She scrunches her nose up. “Just make sure you come back with photos of sexy doctors. You’ve been going up there all this time and you’re yet to present me with images.”
I laugh. “I’ve not been taking enough notice to know if there even are any.”
“Well start looking, girl. Just because you are starving yourself of a good man, doesn’t mean I am. I want pictures.”
I roll my eyes and jump off the wall. “Whatever you say. Right, I best get going. At this rate I won’t be there much before dark if I don’t go now.”
We head back towards my car that’s parked in the allocated bays for the apartment building we live in. My stomach still in knots over what I’ve to face once I get to Keswick. With each visit, Dad gets worse and with Mum’s text, that I still believe has a hidden meaning behind it, something is telling me that all is not what it seems this time.
“What if it is bad, Nita?” I murmur, swallowing down the ball of emotion that’s in my throat as I look at her. “What if he’s worse? What will I do?”
Her soft smile and the gentle rub on my arm is comforting. “Then we will deal with it in the best way we can. You’re stronger than you believe, Ev. You’ll get through this because you’ve been doing it without even realising.” She brings me in for a hug and squeezes me tight. “Just try to focus on the drive. Don’t think about anything else until you know for sure what’s going on.”
“I love you,”
“I love you, mush. Drive safe.”
As I get in the car and let down the window, she places her hand on the door to stop me. “Tall, dark and handsome will be perfect.”
I frown. “You’ve lost me.”
“The doctor you’re going to set me up with.” She grins.
I laugh. This girl always knows how to take my mind off things when they are troubling me. “I’m going to see my parents not go on a man hunt for you.”
“No harm in snapping a secret photo of a man’s backside wearing scrubs.” She winks. “But he has to be wearing those pale blue ones. You can see more of a definition in them as opposed to the darker ones. And don’t disagree, I’ve seen you ogle those guys from Grey’s Anatomy.”
I start the engine, shaking my head neither agreeing nor disagreeing. “I’ll call you when I get there.”
* * *
The smell of disinfectant merged with illness hits my nose as I enter the hospital foyer. The long gruelling walk to Dad’s room begins for yet another week. I don’t take the elevator, I never do: too many people around me in a confined space makes me anxious. Taking the stairs up to the seventh floor helps me control my nerves and clear my head—helps me to re-set my mind from Everly with issues to Everly the devoted daughter that needs to be strong. Not that I am. I want nothing more than to run from all of this: seeing my Dad weak and frail, my mum keeping it together for the sake of her husband when I can see all she wants to do is breakdown and cry. I hate every part of this trip and no matter how many times I plaster the smile on my face, that knife in my stomach still twists.
I never thought it would happen to us, we all think that, but then everything can change in the blink of an eye.
Why? Why is this happing to our family? Why has this awful disease captured a good man? Why has my life turned out the way it has? What did I do to deserve all this pain that engulfs me daily, still giving me nightmares even after all this time and forcing me to operate my days on anti-depressants? Why?
They’re questions I often ask myself but never get the answers to. I don’t think I ever will. Taking a deep breath, I push my way through the double doors of the hospital ward, wash my hands with the anti-bacterial spray and make my way down the corridor to Dad’s room.
“Well fancy seeing you two here again.” I beam at my parents as I enter the room.
“Everly, sweetheart. You’re here,” Mum says, leaving the high-back hospital chair and coming to give me a hug. We hold each other tight as if we haven’t seen each other in months. Three weeks apart can feel like a lifetime when the only place you want to be is right beside the ones you love.
“God, I’ve missed you both so much this time,” I admit, inhaling her rosemary perfume.
As we pull back, we inspect each other. She feels a little thinner, the dark lines under her eyes tell me she hasn’t been sleeping and I could be wrong, but I swear she’s been crying as her nose is pink. Mum only gets a pink nose if she has been crying or if it’s cold, and judging by the fact it’s the middle of June and this damn hospital has heat blasting out as if we’re on a tropical island, I would say she’s been upset.
“You look tired, Everly. Are you sleeping?”
“Not much,” I confess. “I have a project that’s been taking up a lot of my time and sleep just hasn’t come into the equation.”
“Sweetheart, you need your rest.”
“I’m fine, Mum. Honest.” The look she gives me tells me Anita was right. Mum knows I’m lying, and I hate the fact that I’m lying to them both about not attending my counselling sessions. The pair of them have been my rock over the years with t
he way I’ve been. For a long time after leaving Keswick, I never told them why I left. When they’d asked questions, I’d never answer them, and the more they’d continue with the invasion, the angrier I’d got. Then, one day, after a tearful argument and me screaming at them to stop asking, I’d distanced myself from them for a while. Dad hadn’t been able to bring himself to talk to me and whenever my mother did, the quiver in her voice had suggested she had tears in her eyes because she was still desperate to know why their happy daughter who’d loved life suddenly had become a broken mess that had to leave without a warning. It wasn’t until a few years later and them receiving a phone call from the hospital that I’d taken an overdose that they learned the truth. And it broke them.
“Well, don’t just stand there you two,” Dad says from the bed. “Come give your dad a hug.”
I smile and go to him, hugging him in a gentle but firm squeeze. “Hey, Dad,” I whisper, not wanting to let go. “How are you doing?”
“Great. But I’ll be doing a lot better if you’ll let me breathe.”
A soft chuckle leaves me, and I let him go. “How are you really doing?”
He hesitates for a moment before he looks at me with a smile. “As good as I can be, dear girl.”
He looks frail, his skin seems to be even paler and thinner than it has been before, showcasing his veins like a roadmap and making his eyes look more jaundice since the last time I saw him. His pyjama’s hang off his thin frame, while his collarbones are prominent under the fabric. I want to cry at the sight of him.
“Have you checked into the hotel yet, darling?” Mum says, looking at me with those damn concerned eyes again. From the moment I got here I’ve notice a slight tension in the room. Or something that suggests something is off. I can’t put my finger on it, but the more I’m around them, the more I can tell things aren’t right. Dad has hardly said a word, which is unusual for him because even with having his treatment, he always wants to know what I’ve been up to, and Mum keeps looking out of the window as if she doesn’t want to be here.
