by Jessop, K. L
“You know what, Adam, there are so many feelings running through me right now and I don't know what's right and what's not. So, I’m going to go home and leave you to pull out whatever has crawled up your arse because I can’t do this right now.” She gets up and tosses the unopened takeaway bag at my side and mutters. “Enjoy your breakfast.” Before she storms down the wooden pier.
Not able to hold back anymore, I turn my head and shout over my shoulder. “I heard what you said last night.”
She stills. Her back is facing me, her whole body frozen in place.
“When you thought I was sleeping. I heard it all, Everly—that you never wanted to go; that you had no choice; that I’ve always been yours. Every single thing.” I get up from where I’m sitting and walk towards her. She still has her back to me, unmoving. Her shoulders rise and fall from where I know panic is slowly building inside her and she’s trying to control her emotions. “And now I need to know why.”
“You can’t,” she whispers. “I need to go home."
She bolts again, walking at speed as she tries hard to get away from me but loses because I’m right behind her. “You can run as much as you like, Everly, but I’m just going to follow.”
“Adam, please. Just leave me alone.”
“I’ll leave you alone once you’ve told me everything.” We head up towards the cabin and the longer this goes on the more my temper bubbles. Grabbing hold of her arm, I spin her around to face me. Her cheeks are a flame of red, her eyes wide. “What was it, Everly? Did you think by whispering to me that you'd get away without having to tell me to my face? So, it wouldn’t lead to questions?”
“No, I—"
“Questions you know I need answers to but ones you decide to keep from me like a punishment, hurting me even more…”
She shakes her head. “No.”
“Am I really that bad a person that you can’t tell me to my face?”
“We’ve been getting on just fine, Adam. Why change that?” she yells, not able to control the rage inside her I’ve seen rising.
I’m surprised I’m still relatively calm myself.
“Why are you being like this!”
I step back in disbelief. “I'm sorry, what? You run out on me, leaving with just a note and an engagement ring then come back as if nothing has happened and you have the audacity to question why I'm acting like this?”
“I came back because my dad was dying. I never came back for you.”
It’s like she’s just poured salt into a wound. It rips my gut in two and by the look in her eyes, she’s surprised herself with the words that have fallen from her lips, but she doesn’t stop, she just carries on trying to break me down whilst she avoids every fucking thing I’m needing from her. “Why rake up the past now? It's been ten years, Adam. Move on!”
“I can't move on!” I yell at her, stepping closer and invading her space only for her to take a step back. “Don't you get that? Bringing me breakfast and kissing the shit out of each other won’t change what you did to me. You broke my heart. I woke up one morning to find you gone without a word and no explanation. I had nothing left of you or our relationship but a piece of fucking paper while you just took off and started someplace new without a care in the world.”
“It wasn't like that!”
“Then how the fuck was it, Everly, because to me you look like you're doing just great. Oh no, wait,” I say sarcastically. “You're in a dark place, forgive me.”
It’s a low blow, but I’m past the point of caring. Her eyes slice into mine. She walks away from me again and heads straight into the cabin, grabbing a blanket from off the bed that she doesn’t need because it’s fucking hot out and wrapping it around her like its security. But I don’t stop. I just carry on, trying to bring her down, bit by bit, and loathing the beast inside of me because I can’t make him stop.
I need to make it stop, though, because the more I push the more her frame trembles in front of me. But it’s like my voice box is on a treadmill and I need to get out every last piece of my anger that has been brewing over the last ten years.
I turn the tables onto her. “I’ve blamed myself for years thinking I did something so wrong, but now I’m beginning to wonder if it was you all along and that’s why you’re in this dark place. I can tell you Everly. It’s guilt that you feel. Because of something you did.” I step forward, pointing at her, my body now full of fire, my heart pounding to the point it hurts, all because of the chaos that is going on in my mind and the fact that even in the midst of our fall out, I still fucking want her. “Did you just fall out of love with me and couldn’t face telling me? Or did you find someone else? Was it an affair, Everly?”
“No!” she cries, her tone rising the more I push her. “Why are you being like this? Why do you want to hurt me so badly?”
My eyes widen in bewilderment and I point at her. “Hurt you? Are you serious? You left me and you want to know why I’m hurting you? Well, that’s fucking rich.”
“I never wanted any of this, Adam!” she screams, the blanket falling off her shoulders as she beats her chest with her fist, tears streaming down her face. “I didn't ask for any of this!”
“And you think I did? I never asked for it either!” I roar back, not giving a damn about anything anymore. “I’ve wasted years of my life over you, wanting to know what I did that was so bad and wondering how I can change. I’ve not wanted to try and get close to anyone else in case I lost them too. I’m lonely, Everly and it fucking hurts. You did this to me. You!”
“I know.” She breaks down in front of me, holding her stomach as if to keep herself upright as she falls apart in sobs—falling to her knees as her body convulses. “You were my everything.”
My heart aches with her admission and cracks at the sight of her. She looks so vulnerable, lost and consumed with so much more suffering than I’ve ever seen her in before—pain I want to heal if only I knew what was hurting her so bad. Only now I fear I’ve pushed her too much. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I have; everyone that knows Everly has told me she is hurting, she’s broken, she’s suffering… I should have taken a different approach, but I had no control.
Lifting her to her feet, I wrap my arms around her, both of our bodies thick with tension so neither of us relax but it’s the best I can do. I keep my voice low. “Just tell me what changed so I can make sense of it all. Please.”
“I can’t,” she weeps. “It will change everything. The way you look at me. The way I’ve wanted to be held by you. Everything will change.”
I pull back, making her look at me. Keeping my voice low, I put enough strength into it so she knows she can trust me. “I’m here, Everly. I’ve got you. Just help me understand why I lost you.”
She studies me, searching my eyes for something that will tell her whatever it is she needs to hear to be able to open up and talk. I hold her gaze, silently pleading with her to divulge everything that’s eating away at her. We may have been a strong unit when we were together, but ten years have passed and even though I know she feels safe with me, something deep down is telling me that’s not always the case.
“He took everything from me, Adam. I didn't have a choice,” she shakes her head, her lip quivering. “He told me to go.”
“Who told you?” I cup her face, reassuring her as she hesitates for a moment, shuddering in my hold before she whispers.
“Jamie.”
My brows draw together, confused as to why she’s saying this because, at the time she left, he was there for me. “I-I don't understand. Why would he tell you to go?”
“If I hadn’t left then he wouldn't have stopped. I needed him to stop. I couldn't take anymore.” Her red eyes close as more tears falls down her cheeks.
My body is now a raging hot flame, my chest like a vice that’s pressing and pressing and pressing on my lungs. All this time, I’ve wanted her words. Now, at the mention of his name, I’m unsure if I want them at all. Afraid that I’ve lost her and needing to
understand more about why Jamie is the reason behind her leaving, I grip her face a little tighter so her eyes open and I look at her intensely, my jaw locked as I grit out the words.
“Tell me, baby. What needed to stop?”
She swallows hard before her voice cracks. “The rape. He was raping me, Adam.”
My blood runs cold. The words roar in my ears like high-pitched sirens. My heart and chest recoil in overwhelming agony it’s like cut glass every breath I take. My stomach rolls with nausea as bile forms in my throat.
I can't breathe.
My girl. My beautiful baby.
“No...” It’s the only word that slips from my lips as I look at the shattered woman in front of me. Why? Why did this happen? To my Everly… All this time, I've hated myself for hurting her. I’ve believed I was the reason she left. I’ve believed I’d broken her in a way that I could never repair, not even knowing how to if I ever got the chance. All this time, I’ve thought it was me, but it was him.
Jamie.
My step-brother.
My family.
He’d been doing that to her, and I’d had no idea.
As if everything suddenly plays out in slow motion, I drop my hands from her face and turn away from her. The little gasp of her breath hurts because I know what she's thinking, and I know how it may seem. I believe every damaging word she’s vocalised, but right now I have to step away: there is so much anger charging inside of me that she can't be near me.
I don't respond to the whispered cry of my name; I just keep walking to the other side of the room, numb and confused, and as if someone has just pressed a button, I release all the anger as it storms out of me like a raging river. The table flips through the air, the items on it scattering and smashing around me. The chairs that have only budged in my rage, I pick up and throw, hearing the wood crack against the cabin wall as some break before I punch the solid wood with my fists as my tears fall. Every part of my insides is blazing, and I bellow out the pain that has now consumed me far greater than the ten years of loss I had over Everly. I would relive that pain she caused me a thousand times instead of having to experience what I’m feeling now. But it's her distressing plea for me to stop that has me looking back at her. She's seconds away from hitting the floor as she crumbles before me. The agony in her tiny, shattered frame needs to be shielded as she weeps uncontrollably. Rushing to her, I pull her to me, holding her tight like my life depends on it and letting the decade heartbreak seep out through our tears.
She’d been my girl—my everything. I’d vowed to keep her safe, to protect her from the world of darkness and danger and I’d failed.
23
Everly
His racing heart vibrates through my body as I’m held tight to him like he’ll never let me go again—and I don’t want him to let me go. Our breathing batters against each other as our silent tears fall. I’m exhausted after the blazing argument that led to me telling him one of the hardest things I’ve ever told anyone in my life. Yes, I’ve spoken out about my rape before, but I knew telling the man who had promised me the world and that he would protect me like no other, would be harder than any time.
Love is always a powerful thing, but our love had been spellbinding and that monster poisoned me so deeply that I’d risked all of it, fled and broken my man’s heart in order to protect myself. It was wrong of me, but no matter how hard I’d tried I’d never been able to bring myself to say the words. I’ve feared so much, not just from Jamie but from Adam, too. I’ve felt unworthy of everything around me. I’ve felt undeserving of a love he’d always provided because what we had, has been tainted. I’ve tried not to be a victim: I have never wanted to be that girl that everyone looks at differently. I hadn’t wanted it to destroy everything I’d lived for, but the longer it went on, the further mine and Adam’s relationship grew apart, and the more that monster took from me, the more of a victim I became. He stole so much from me that I’d been swallowed up in a dark world with nothing to help me get out and no one I felt I could turn to. The lies he told, the threats he made and the pain he inflicted had me falling deeper and deeper into a world I saw no light in. He was the enemy; I was his bait and I’d taken the coward’s way out and ran, trying to find a peace I knew would never be there.
With each day that came after, I’d not been able to find the sense of freedom I’d been searching for. I’d become a zombie who walked around in a world that I’d no longer wanted to be in. I’ve used my body as a refuge, protecting myself behind fabrics that hide the vileness of what he did and how he made me feel. I’ve lost my identity. My life. I feel dirty, I feel ashamed.
All because of a monster.
But the man that’s currently holding me has somehow reached deep into my soul and changed something inside of me that has been lifeless for too long. He’s making me feel things. He’s made me smile again. He’s made me want to fight for what I need and know I deserve. I just have to find the bravery inside of me to make it happen.
“Everly,” he whispers, breaking our silence that’s been too long between us. I know what’s coming, and I know he needs this from me.
Sitting up, I wipe my face with my sleeve and look at him. The look of desperation in his chocolate eyes is strong but heavy with trepidation. He may need to hear my words, but his heart doesn’t want to feel it.
“What do you need to know?”
“Everything.” He lifts my hand to kiss my fingertips. “I need to know everything.”
Not wanting to break the contact but needing space to find my voice, I get up and walk a few steps, picking up one of the chairs that he’d thrown in rage and sit myself down on it. I slip off my shoes so the soles of my feet feel the hardwood beneath me and as I look down at my purple painted toes, I nod, signifying that I will tell him all he needs to hear, hoping that divulging the details that are poignant and inhumane will also give me strength.
“I was so happy. I was so blessed to have you in my life and the life I had I loved so much. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world, but then in the blink of an eye, it was gone. Our last Christmas together was the best I’d ever had, and when you proposed… I can’t even begin to describe how I felt. But the night ended in a nightmare and after that, life got horribly worse.” My voice quakes and I look over at him. He’s sitting on the floor looking wounded—like he’s just been to war and lost the battle. His eyes are glassed over with unshed tears; his cheeks are soaked from the ones he’s shed.
“I went out to ring my parents and tell them the news that I was going to marry you. When I turned around, he was just standing there, watching me. I asked him if he was alright and all I got was this sick grin that sent something unpleasant through me… There was something in the way he looked at me that made me realise I was in trouble. Everything happened so fast. When I went to move past, he grabbed me, and the next thing I knew, his hand was covering my screams and his body was holding down my struggle to fight him off.” My tears now fall as the pain slashes through me. Adam shifts to come closer, but I hold my hand out to stop him. I can’t have him near me right now. “Please don’t.”
He runs his fingers roughly through his hair, pulling at the locks as his words shatter my heart. “This is all my fault. I had the hangover from hell the next day, and when I questioned why I couldn’t remember anything after proposing, you both said it was because I was shitfaced, which has always confused me as I hardly drank back then. I can’t remember a damn fucking thing and my stupidity put you in that horrific situation. I’m so sorry, Everly.”
I close my eyes, hating that what I’m about to say will be just as hard for him to hear. “Just after he raped me, Jamie was smoking a cigarette as if nothing had happened. I was too scared to move so I didn’t—I couldn’t. I just focused on the sounds of laughter coming from the hall, knowing you were inside enjoying yourself while I was lying there.”
Heartbreak clouds his eyes.
“And in that moment… I hated you. I hated you for la
ughing and having fun—hated you for not coming to find me and wondering where I was and hated you because the best night of my life was suddenly ripped apart by your step-brother. And then suddenly all that hate I felt towards you disappeared when Jamie spoke of what he’d done.”
In many ways, Jamie’s words hurt me more than what he’d done to me. He hadn’t just taken me: he’d stolen from Adam, too. He’d made him just as powerless as he’d made me, and his sick, evil plan played out like he wanted. Abusing us both.
“You weren’t drunk, Adam. You don’t remember the rest of that night because Jamie spiked your drink. He did what he needed to in order to stop you from getting to me. He knew what he was doing when he came into that hall and made peace with you.”
His reaction isn’t one I anticipate. I expect him to be enraged as he has every right to be, but as his elbows rest on his knees and his head lowers into his hands, his body ruptures with silent sobs that leave him. My heart bleeds to see him this way, and I hate that I’m the one doing this to him, regardless of who is accountable.
“I couldn’t protect you,” he weeps. “I should have protected you.”
“Adam, none of this is your fault.”
“I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!” he roars into the room, making me flinch as he smacks his fist hard on the cabin floor. His raised voice isn’t directed at me, but it still makes me cry. Once he composes himself and wipes his eyes with the ball of his hands, he rests his head against the wall and looks at me. Fury and loathing stare back at me, but it’s the depth of his anguish that’s entwined that tells me what I need to know: he doesn’t hate me, he’s hurting for me, with me.
“How long?”
“Weeks. Right up until the night before I left. I just couldn’t take anymore and didn’t know what to do. All I wanted was you, to have your arms around me telling me everything would be okay, even though I knew it wouldn't be. But I had no words. I was silenced. He told me if I spoke out, he would hurt those I loved, and I believed him. I couldn’t risk that. With each day that passed, I tried to be normal, but it never worked. I was numb and hurt and he seemed to be everywhere I turned. I could feel his eyes on me. I could smell him on my clothes and on my skin and the more his presence tormented me the more I couldn’t have you near me.” Looking at him, the lump in my throat is thick as I croak out the words. “Lying in bed with you made me feel sick. Sick with lies. Sick with pain. Sick because all I saw was him when all I wanted was to love you. I knew I had to do the only thing I could to escape and to do that I had—”
