by Jessop, K. L
The look in his eyes when I’d told him everything was soul shattering, but when his hands had slipped from my face and he turned away, my stomach had dropped with the worst kind of dread you can imagine. I realise how much my words had scarred him, too. I’ve never wanted to tell him, not because I’d been silenced but because I’ve been scared of how he might look at me. I’d felt ashamed and dirty and I hadn’t wanted to be like that in Adam’s eyes.
But right here at this moment, I’ve never felt more alive. I’m safe and protected in the arms that hold me close, the ones that have just caressed my whole being in a way I can’t even describe.
His eyes are pained, our hearts bleeding with the raw truths that I’ve shared, yet the power he has over me is spellbinding. His breath… His lips… His touch on my skin… Every part of him that has reconnected with my body has reached deep into my soul and brought me back to life in a way that has made my heart rupturing and has caused my breath to be stolen.
It was tender. It was beautiful and passionate. It was everything that terrified me and everything I knew I needed.
He is my redemption, my deepest saviour and the one my heart beats for.
But while I lie here, listening to his heart beating, I can’t kid myself and say that the future doesn’t scare me anymore, because it still does… because now my heart is wide open. That wall I have built around it has been struck down full force, my demons have been shared and the dark fog has lifted. And as much as I have wanted this, as much as I have dreamed of this moment—of this incredible state of freedom—I now feel unbelievably vulnerable, and that scares me more than ever.
Adam's fingers trace across my cheek and he tucks a piece of hair behind my ear. Before I can open my eyes, my breath catches when his lips press against mine in a sweet, soft kiss—a kiss that makes me shiver for more. My hand moves to his jaw, and the tips of our tongues tease before I allow him access and we devour each other in a gentle yet deep kiss.
“You okay?” he whispers against my lips.
I smile, opening my eyes to lock onto his. “I’m good,” I admit, relishing the lightness of how my body feels. All because of him. I’d thought he was an absolute arsehole this morning, but now I’ve never been more grateful. “Thank you, Adam.”
“What for?”
“For being you.”
“I don’t want you to fight this on your own anymore, Ev. I’m here.”
“It’s not going to be easy, Adam,” I whisper. “I’ve been suffocating for so long that sometimes, the darkness is all I know.”
He doesn’t say anything; he just looks at me, a hint of sadness in his eyes as he runs his thumb along my chin before coming back for another little kiss. It’s like we need this intimacy in order to keep us from falling again.
I can see there are still questions in his eyes. I know he needs to voice them and now I will answer every single one openly because I have nothing else to fear from my past now. “You can ask me, Adam. Whatever is racing around in your head right now, you can ask.”
He smiles as if he’s been rumbled and pulls back slightly to look at me. “Why didn’t they tell me—your parents—when they found out why you left and what he did? Why didn’t they tell me?”
I turn onto my stomach, propping myself up on my elbows before he turns on his side, resting an arm under his head as his other hand begins to play with my hair.
“I begged them not to say anything and because of my mental state they promised they wouldn't. I was a mess. Years of built up fear, scars and heartache surrounded my daily life. I didn’t know which was the right direction to go in, and each night, I got into bed and cried myself to sleep because nothing had changed. I was just in this dark, lonely, agonising world. My overdose wasn’t a cry for help: it was to end a life that was dead already. Someone up there just decided it wasn’t my time. That was hard to accept, but once I saw the look on my parents’ faces, I hated myself for what I’d done to them. So, I just broke down and had no choice but to tell them everything. Once I was physically stable, I was then sorted with aftercare.”
“Counselling and anti-depressants?”
I flash my eyes to his.
“Anita told me. I think in her and your dad’s own way they told me just enough so that I wouldn’t kick you aside like I wanted to. And not only that, the first day I saw you and I looked into your eyes, I knew there was something deeper going on than what had happened with your dad.”
I smile flatly. “You always had a way of reading me.”
“Anita also said you only go to counselling when it suits. What does she mean by that?”
Damn that woman.
“After the first few weeks, I started to feel a little different. The weight I’d been carrying felt like it was lifting. I don’t know how it was working because I still had my bad days, but something was changing slowly… Then Dad got sick, and I stopped going.”
“Why?”
Tears sting my eyes. “Because knowing I was going to lose him felt like a punishment for getting my life back on track.”
“Everly…”
I hadn’t thought I deserved the right to sort my life out when my dad’s life was being stolen right in front of my eyes when he’d done nothing wrong. I had been damaged for too long already, and Dad’s diagnosis just felt like a punch in the gut. I’d had to swallow so many bitter pills over the years; finding out Dad was ill was a bitterness so huge, it cut my throat as it went down. I’d decided then that I had to be there for him. I put my life on hold for a long time, and now I don’t know which direction to step first as I continue to fight the internal battle with my heart and mind.
“I’m not weak or depressed, Adam. I’m just broken: he broke me and I don’t know how to fix myself.”
“We will find a way. Just promise me something.”
“What?”
He holds my eyes and the plea in them is powerful. “That you will always talk to me… about anything. How you’re feeling, what you fear. Anything. Just talk to me, ok?”
“I promise. But can you answer me something?”
“Sure.”
“Why, after everything, are you looking after my heart when I destroyed yours?”
His honesty hits me hard and my stomach somersaults.
“Because you are everything my heart beats for."
I search his eyes but before I can say anything, he swallows my words, pulling me closer, and kissing me with every ounce of passion he has, arousing the yearning inside of me.
Before I know it, I’m willingly falling onto my back as he covers me with his beautiful body.
* * *
“What are you thinking?” Adam asks. We are both still in bed in the cabin. His head is resting on my stomach as I lace my fingers through his hair, looking up at the wooden beams on the ceiling. The early morning sun streams through the window, warming my skin. We’ve stayed here all night, talking, kissing, touching, devouring each other. It was passionate, sweet and oh so heavenly, and each time we rode the waves of each other’s pleasure, he held me like a china doll, making me feel safe, telling me all the things a woman wants to hear and with each word he whispered, he made me feel it.
He disappeared before dawn, leaving me locked in the cabin, promising he’d be back and returning with food and coffee that he got from Mac’s café. We’d worked up such an appetite that he couldn’t take my grumbling stomach much longer.
“I’m thinking that I need to go home.” I really need to check on mum. I text her last night to tell her I was safe, but I couldn’t help the guilt I felt knowing she was in the house on her own for the second time since Dad has passed. I hated the thought of leaving her, but after the first night with Adam and telling her of our kiss, she’d cupped my cheeks with her hands and told me to follow my heart as tears clouded her eyes.
I want to follow my heart, but it’s somehow running off ahead of me and I can’t catch up with everything that has happened in the last couple of days,
&nb
sp; “No.” His hand lightly squeezes my stomach. “Stay a little longer.”
I smile. “Adam, I need a shower. And you need to relieve your mum from Bailey. Poor thing will be wondering where you are.”
Suddenly, he sits up and looks at me. There’s a sparkle in his eye and a shit-eating grin on his face.
“Now what?”
“Want to go skinny dipping?”
My eyes widen and he’s already pushing himself up off the bed. “What? Now?”
“Yes, now.”
He stands butt naked in front of me, and my mouth waters at the sight of him: the muscles of his shoulders, the lines of his stomach, that delicious v and his manhood… I have to press my thighs together to control the desirable heat that’s building.
Jesus, where did the body of a guy I use to know go, because the one in front of me is fucking spectacular.
“Adam, it’s early morning; anyone could be out there walking around and see us.”
He frowns. “You’re right.”
I relax, thankful I’ve got out of that one. But then in a flash, he tugs the sheet from the bed, uncovering my naked body as amusement clouds his eyes and he wiggles his brow.
Shit.
“Absolutely not,” I state, pointing at him whilst trying to hide my grin that’s growing. His childlike face makes me chuckle, and I crawl backwards up the bed, in an attempt to escape from what is about to happen. “Don’t even think about it.”
“Everly Rose,” he coaxes, and my eyes widen.
“Don’t Everly Rose me. I’m not—" I squeal when he grabs my ankle and pulls me towards him, and before I have a chance to protest further, I’m fireman lifted over his shoulder, tapped on the arse and wrapped in the bed sheet as he heads out of the door. “Adam Knight, put me down!” I order, giggling like an idiot as I squirm in his hold.
“You said you needed a shower.” He laughs.
“I said put me down!”
“I’m seeing if that girl is still in there. You know, the one you’re trying to find?”
“You’re an arsehole.” But I can’t even be angry with him because he’s right: I do want to find her.
“Shush, woman. People will hear you yelling, and the last thing I want is to have my love machine on full view of tourists.”
Laughter bubbles out of my lungs, the blood beginning to rush to my head.
The only vision I have as he jogs us down towards the pier is his perfect bare arse. This is a crazy idea, yet it’s one that has my stomach squeezing with the thrill.
“Ev,” he shouts over his shoulder. “Do you trust me?”
“You know I do.”
With that, the bedsheet is stripped from me, right before he leaps off the pier and bombs us into the lake as my scream follows. The morning water is freezing, and I emerge from under it with a deep gasp for breath yet laughing at the same time, Adam doing the same as he flicks his hair off his face.
“Holy shit, it’s cold!” I gasp.
“Feeling refreshed and ready for the day?”
“I think I’ve got hyperthermia.”
He laughs. “Been a while since you’ve had a lake swim?”
“Been a while since I’ve come outside without clothes on.” I realise that for the first time in two days, I’ve not thought about my body or the clothes I’ve been hiding behind… because of Adam. I know I don’t need to hide anymore, and don’t want to. Jamie is no longer here, and I want to keep moving forwards now that this weight has been lifted. I want to chase those dreams Dad told me to. I want to find that girl I’m longing to find, which is why I’m going to see if Mum wants to go shopping later. As anxious as it makes me, it’s about time I got a new wardrobe.
“I need to be with Mum today.”
“Bored of me already?”
“I never said that. But I think it’s about time I did some clothes shopping.”
“Oh, really?” He wiggles his brows and I roll my eyes, knowing his mind has gone straight to the lingerie department.
“I’m not shopping for you, dickhead.” I splash him with water and turn away. I swim out a little further, trying to keep myself warm as the cool water soothes the satisfying ache between my legs. Jesus, I can’t wait to catch up with Anita and tell her the happenings in my life of late. I’ll no doubt be able to hear her screaming all the way from Milford Haven. When I turn back around, Adam is nowhere to be seen. Just as I’m about to shout for him, he soars up from under the water with a roar, inches away from me, making me scream.
“What the fuck!” I laugh out as he keels over in the water from my fright.
“Your face.”
“That was not funny!” I try and state, but my giggle takes over. Swimming away from him, I squeal when he grabs my leg, pulling me back towards him. He holds me around my waist and I link my arms around his neck as our hysteria slowly falls silent.
His warmth channels through me as his eyes become solemn, and heated. “Hearing you laugh is the best sound in the world. I’ve missed it, Everly. I’ve missed you so much.”
Chills breakout across my skin, only this time it’s not from the cool water. His torso sends little electrical currents through my body as my hard nipples brush against him. I hold his gaze, searching deep into his soul for anything he’s willing to provide. I’ve missed him, too, more than words can say, but instead of voicing it, I show him in actions and kiss him. I crash my mouth on his, kissing him hard and deep as he holds me in a tight grip against him.
Two nights in his arms—one of them revealing my darkest, most heart-rending secrets followed by the beauty of two broken beings coming together in a way that has blown our minds and sealed our sabotaged hearts.
In the hours we’ve spent together since I’ve returned, he’s had the ability to change who I thought I was—the woman I thought I was going to be, forever.
Lost.
Tainted.
Destroyed.
But now… now everything about what we have shared since coming back has been breath-taking and beautiful. He pulls away, his eyes searching mine. “I meant what I said before, Everly. Don’t hide from me; Talk to me, always.”
There’s possessiveness in his tone that makes me giddy, and I can’t help but wonder if he’s been this way before. The Adam I once knew was sweet, kind and loving, and even though he is still all of those things now, there’s a strength inside of him that I’ve not seen before. My eyes focus on his collarbone and I hesitate a moment with what I’m about to ask. “When you said you couldn’t move on but that you were lonely, did that mean—”
He pulls back, studying me for a second. “There’ve been women, Ev. I can’t lie about that. But I’ve never let them stick around long enough.”
“Why?”
Resting his forehead against mine, he murmurs. “Because they weren’t you.”
Tears sting my eyes with his honesty, and I hate myself for hurting him the way I did. It should never have been this way. Coming back here was the right thing to do, wasn’t it?
“Tell me everything is going to be ok,” I whisper.
“I don’t need to tell you anything; you just have to follow your heart.”
26
Adam
“Adam?” Mum’s voice comes from the kitchen. “Is that you?”
As soon as I close the door to my house, I’m pinned against it by a furry beast, licking me like crazy his tail wagging so hard I swear he’ll take off.
“Hey, bud. Have you missed me?” I tackle Bailey playfully to the floor, ruffling his golden fur as he tramples all over me. “I’ve sure missed you. You been good, huh?”
“Out here, Mum,” I shout back to her as I slip out of my shoes and head towards the kitchen. Instantly, I feel guilty when I see her. She’s in blue jeans and a red T-shirt. Her dark hair is up in a ponytail, but it’s her features that tell me she’s hardly slept. I can see the worry in her eyes.
Shit.
“Are you ok? I got your text about the storm, but since then
, your phone has been off. I brought Bailey back this morning because I thought you’d be home.”
I kiss her cheek. “I’m sorry Mum. So much was happening that I just didn’t think.”
The only person on my mind has been Everly.
“I had to ring Mac. He told me you were still at the cabin with Everly and that something was up, but wasn’t sure what. Is everything alright?”
I hadn’t been able to tell Mac about Jamie. There’s no way I want the calm that Everly has brought back to me to be riled up by thoughts of that motherfucker and everything he’s done. So, I’d just ordered us a breakfast takeout and some coffee and headed straight back to her. But the look in Mac’s eyes as he’d looked at me had been enough to tell me that our conversation could wait. That was after he’d openly told me I looked like shit.
“Not really.” I sigh. “I mean, yes: everything is ok, but no it’s not.” Heading past her, I go straight to the cupboard for a whiskey, pour myself a large shot and toss the liquid back before pouring another. My head is all over the fucking place right now, not to mention how I feel.
“You’re not making any sense. Are you drunk?”
I can’t fight the chuckle that rumbles. “No, Mum, I’m not drunk.”
“Then what is it? Because you’re drinking and you look like you’ve not slept for weeks. Is everything alright with you and Everly?”
She’s silent a moment, watching me drink down my whiskey, waiting for me to collect my thoughts as I look out of the kitchen window.
I think about everything that’s happened in the last forty-eight hours: the night out on the boat; last night and how incredible it was when our bodies had become one; the way she’d shuddered so beautifully under me as she thanked me with tears in her eyes; the way she’d cried my name each time she came; this morning in the lake.
