Shona went ahead, closing the door when he followed her inside. Clasping her hands in front of her, she turned and faced her husband squarely. ‘I think you know what this is about.’
‘I think so. You were in the park today.’
Shona nodded, choosing her words carefully. ‘Yes. So were you. You...were not alone, I saw.’
‘No.’
Shona gave him a level look, her eyes ice-cold green. ‘You seemed close. Perhaps Lady Donnington is no longer inclined to wed Lord Byrne now you are back in London. What were you trying to do to me, Zack? Humiliate me with your open association with your mistress in full view of everyone? You cannot, in all conscience, expect me to accept that.’
‘No, I don’t—and Caroline is not my mistress.’
‘No? And who is Victoria?’ Shona watched him, waiting expectantly. She had difficulty reading his expression, but she could see his features were taut with some kind of emotional struggle. Zack’s hesitation was beginning to alarm her. ‘Just tell me. It concerns Lady Donnington, doesn’t it?’
Still he hesitated. There wasn’t an easy way for a man to tell his wife that he had sired a child with a married woman. The muscles worked in his cheek as his jaw tightened and he turned and strode to the fireplace. With his rigid back to her, he thrust hands into his pockets. After a moment he turned and looked at her.
‘Caroline is the mother of my daughter. Victoria.’
Zack distinctly saw Shona recoil as though a knife had been thrust into some deep and agonising part of her—as though it was turning slowly, damaging her so badly she was unlikely to survive it—but her face remained impassive.
‘You have a daughter—a daughter you clearly forgot to tell me about?’
‘I didn’t forget. In the beginning I merely preferred not to have the discussion until I was ready. Then...the closer we became and our relationship developed into something more profound—a closeness I treasure—it was...difficult. I suppose I was afraid the revelation would damage that closeness—that you might walk away.’
Shona was mortified and deeply offended that he would think she would do that. ‘Then you do not know me as well as you think you do,’ she said, her voice shaking with emotion. ‘I had a right to be told, Zack. You should not have kept this from me. It was cruel and despicable.’
Zack wasn’t trying to hurt her, she realised. The rigid muscles of his jaw showed his dismay clearly. A sudden weight fell on her heart at what he had told her. She was stunned, bewildered and a thousand thoughts raced across her brain and crashed together in confusion. She thought of Zack—her love—and all the feelings and emotions he had created were blighted and crushed, trust and confidence destroyed. It shouldn’t have been so painful discovering that he had a daughter—the little girl she had seen in the park, some small part of her mind rationalised—but it was.
‘You should have told me before we...before we... I can’t believe you have done this. You cannot expect me to ignore your indiscretion, to overlook what you have done and how it will affect me. You lied to me.’
‘I never lied to you.’ Zack suddenly realised how important it was to him that she knew the truth. He wanted her to understand. Looking down at her, he felt a cruel smart of anguish and a sudden surge of shame. When she lifted her hurt eyes to meet his own, he felt an overpowering tenderness. She looked to him like a wounded deer which holds itself proud and lithe, even as it breathes hard to avoid the fatal blow.
‘You deceived me. You tricked me! Kept things hidden! Again! After all the things I let you do to me—and all the time you were playing me false. I trusted you,’ she said.
‘You can still trust me.’
‘Things have changed. I can only wonder what else you’re not telling me.’ She glanced away from him. Having heard the note of despair in Zack’s voice, she realised how adamant he had been in his refusal to marry her. She had misunderstood his reasons then. He hadn’t wanted to marry her, that was true, but it wasn’t his loss of freedom that had so disturbed him. It was the loss of his daughter. And neither she nor her family had given him a way out. She was not so naïve as to believe there had been no women in his life before her—shadowed women, faceless women, the sort of women men have for a moment’s pleasure—but this was different. This woman had a face. This woman had given him a child. ‘Clearly you were not married to Lady Donnington, so the child is...’
‘A bastard,’ Zack provided quietly, watching her face closely for her reaction. He was not flippant about it, but serious and troubled. But he showed no shame or embarrassment, not even any regret, except for the pain he had caused his wife.
‘Yes, although it is not a word I like.’
‘Nor I.’
‘How old is your daughter?’
‘She will be four years old come July.’
‘And does she favour you?’
Zack hadn’t expected her to ask that, but he answered it honestly. ‘A little—she has my eyes. But she resembles her mother in other ways.’
‘And when you refused to marry me when I asked you, it was because you were planning—hoping—to give your daughter your name by marrying her mother, in the event of her elderly husband having passed away.’ When he cast her a sharp, enquiring look she smiled bitterly. ‘Aunt Augusta put me in the picture when I asked her about Lady Donnington. But that was the reason, wasn’t it, Zack? You intended to marry her.’ It was a statement.
Zack frowned, his expression grave as he considered her question. ‘I confess that there was a time when I seriously contemplated returning to England and marrying Caroline when old Donnington passed on, to try to salvage something out of our relationship for Victoria’s sake. The trouble was,’ he murmured, his voice husky as his gaze settled lovingly on her face, ‘I never expected my decision to be beset by anything as powerful and consuming as a lovely young woman called Shona McKenzie. For the first time in my life I was at the mercy of my emotions, when reason and intelligence were powerless.’
Deeply moved by his words, Shona swallowed down the emotional lump that had risen in her throat. ‘You—you don’t love her, do you, Zack?’
He shook his head. ‘No. I have never felt love for her—and she has none for me. I don’t want to marry Caroline. I was driven to it out of necessity.’
‘But you would have married her all the same—had you not married me and had Lady Donnington not taken a lover.’
‘To claim my daughter—that was what I intended.’
‘And you have known Lady Donnington for some time?’
He nodded, his face grim. ‘Yes, but not well. She was a friend of a friend. Her upbringing was stricter than most. We were never close. When I came home after a long voyage, she had married Donnington. He was an old man, a mean, arrogant, impotent man, who resented the loss of his youth. He married Caroline to feed his vanity. I found her alone one day—lonely, unhappy and weeping.’
‘And you comforted her.’ He nodded. ‘And one thing led to another.’
‘Something like that. We—’
‘Please,’ Shona interrupted sharply, her voice trembling with anger. ‘I don’t need to be given a more explicit explanation of what occurred between you. I can picture it clearly—a beautiful desperately lonely woman, an elderly husband and a strong, virile man. Oh, yes,’ she scoffed, unable to conceal her bitterness, ‘I understand very well. When you realised I was your wife you should have had our marriage annulled. Lady Donnington is the mother of your child. Despite any obstacles, you should have reconciled yourself with her and put your daughter first—both of you. I happen to believe that a child belongs with both its parents. I’m sorry I put you in this predicament,’ she said on a calmer note. ‘Do you intend for Victoria to live with us?’
Zack’s eyes scrutinised her face as he wondered how to tell her that since Victoria’s own mother didn’t want her
, this was what he intended. ‘The situation is complicated.’
There was a look in his eyes that alerted Shona. ‘Zack, you can’t take a child from its mother.’
‘I won’t be. Victoria doesn’t live with Caroline. Her husband refused to allow Victoria to live in his house. Rather than leave him and her assumed inheritance on his death, Caroline fostered our daughter out.’
Shona stared at him. Suddenly she glimpsed in his eyes the pain of a man deeply wounded. In their depths she saw a plea, though she was not sure what he was pleading for. She tried to conceal the shock she felt, unable to understand how a woman could abandon her child to a foster mother, but without success. ‘That is quite shocking. A child belongs with its mother.’
‘Normally that would be the case. Caroline doesn’t see it that way. Victoria’s future is something that has to be decided, but for her sake it is important that you and I are united. Since her mother doesn’t want her, it is my intention that she makes her home with us in a secure and loving family environment.’
Shona was deeply saddened that Lady Donnington had put position and wealth above the happiness of her daughter. ‘I see. In fact, I’m beginning to see it all now—and why you seduced me into your bed,’ she uttered with a sudden burst of resentment for the hurt he had caused her, regretting her remark the moment it passed her lips when she reminded herself of Zack’s own suffering.
‘I took you to my bed because you are my wife and a very sensual woman. From the moment we met I was attracted to you. I wanted you—very badly, Shona. Don’t deny that you felt the same. The moment I looked into your eyes I knew it. Caroline couldn’t hold a candle.’
‘Perhaps I did know it,’ she admitted, ‘but your purpose has become clear to me now. This is why you wouldn’t have our marriage annulled—so that I could be a stepmother to your daughter. Is this why you took me to your bed, to make it harder for me to leave you?’
‘You are mistaken if you think that. It is the future that counts, Shona. We are man and wife and we’ll have to make the best of it.’ Realising how insensitive he sounded, he added quickly, ‘We didn’t have the best beginning, I know, but we can make a fresh start.’
‘I assume that because you and Lady Donnington walk with your daughter openly in the park, it is acknowledged that she is your daughter.’
Zack nodded. ‘I don’t care what society thinks. I am not proud of my conduct, Shona. But I have paid for my sin in my own way. I am still paying,’ he remarked quietly, almost as an afterthought. ‘Until now, repressing the rumours meant I could not lavish affection on my offspring, which is a father’s right.’
‘Perhaps you should have thought of that before you took Lady Donnington to your bed,’ Shona retorted. Was it her feelings for him that made such bitter jealousy twist her heart? ‘I understand the way of the world and that many ladies have doubtless met this same situation many times and shrugged it off with a smile and a witty phrase. I cannot do that and I am not ashamed of it. Everything inside me recoils from doing so.’
A shutter came down over her eyes and Zack was shocked as she turned her face away sharply. It was then that the first shivers of disquiet began to feather themselves down the length of his spine. He was concerned. He knew of stepmothers who loathed the very sight of their husband’s offspring, be it to a previous wife or mistress, and would have nothing to do with them. He prayed to God that this was not the case with Shona. It had not occurred to him that she might not want Victoria, that she might see her as a burden she would be forced to endure.
In the space of a second the realisation that this might apply to Shona stunned him. His body became taut, his face a hard, grinding mask, his hands clenching and unclenching at his sides as he tried to bring his feelings under control. Was the sweet drift of happiness he had felt on finding Shona again and becoming reconciled under threat once more? Dear Lord, he prayed in twisted torment, don’t let me have to choose between my wife and my daughter.
He looked at her. His face was expressionless. His eyes were empty, a dark emptiness that told Shona nothing of what he felt. ‘Whatever hardships I have suffered, I cannot wish the damage undone, for to do that would be to wish my daughter had never been born. To my regret I was not able to save her from the stigma of illegitimacy. I can’t give her up, Shona,’ he said with quiet anguish. ‘I will not.’
Shona could feel the raw emotion in him throbbing in her own veins. His words seemed to be a warning to her, final—Do not interfere. I protect and keep what is mine. She thought back to seeing him in the park with Lady Donnington. The memory of them together with their daughter between them was too intimate, too painful to bear. She lifted her chin and clasped her gloved hands tightly in front of her as she always did in moments of stress.
‘Do you think I am so cruel, so heartless, that I would ask you to? I would never ask that of you.’ Her own voice was husky with emotion. She thought it must have reassured him, for his intense expression relaxed infinitesimally.
Zack seemed deeply troubled. Shona looked at him, ready to do, or be, whatever he wished. She was young, but despite this she knew how to deal with loss and sorrow and her heart was warm and compassionate. She longed to offer words of comfort, but Zack Fitzgerald was a man always in control of his own emotions. Even now when they had been as close as two people could be, she would hesitate to probe into his thoughts. She wanted to believe his assurances, but she was still uneasy about his relationship with Lady Donnington. She was so beautiful. But this wasn’t the only issue. The woman shared something with Zack that she, Shona, couldn’t. A daughter.
A picture of the little girl she had seen in the park crept into her mind. She had been so lovely, so sweet, so full of life as she had skipped about. Lowering her eyes, she tried to get hold of her emotions, ashamed because they were so unadmirable. It wasn’t commendable to be jealous of a small child just because she could command Zack’s affection. Nor was it commendable to envy a woman her daughter. But she couldn’t deny that she would have liked to have claimed Zack’s love, or that she would have liked to have his daughter as her own.
‘There isn’t time to discuss this properly just now,’ Zack said briskly. ‘It’s time we left. We will talk after the theatre.’
Shona nodded. At least by then she would have had time to collect herself. ‘Before we go, I have something to give you.’ She took an object wrapped in fine fabric from her reticule and handed it to him. ‘You left it in my chamber at Melrose Hill. I’m sorry. I should have returned it to you sooner.’
Unwrapping it carefully, holding it gently in his hand, Zack gazed down at the locket. ‘Thank you.’ Something moved in the depths of his eyes. Without opening it, he said, ‘It’s a lock of Victoria’s hair.’ He shoved it in his pocket, unaware how thankful Shona was to hear him say that—that it belonged to the child and not the mother as she had always believed.
* * *
Shona managed to school her facial muscles into a semblance of equanimity as she stepped out of the coach at the Covent Garden theatre. The vision of pale gowns and glittering jewels was strangely blurred. She placed her fingers, which seemed to be trembling suddenly, in the waiting hand. With his composure held tightly about him as Zack escorted her into the theatre, she was still striving to throw off the odd feeling of unreality. At all costs, she must find something to interest her, she must try at least to look as if she was enjoying the play.
On meeting Harry and Miranda in the foyer, she turned a dazzling, forced smile on them, forcing herself to make polite conversation as they passed through the throngs of people on their way to their private box.
With her eyes fixed firmly on the stage, she sat with her arms pressed to her sides, her gloved hands folded in her lap. She was glad of the play. It meant she didn’t have to speak to anyone. She had married Zack in the full knowledge that he did not love her, but the magic they had spun in the
privacy of his bedroom had delighted her. She had given him her heart, but she supposed he was not aware of it. She had hoped he would come to love her, to give her his whole self, that inner self a man gives to one woman, only to find another woman had prior claim to that—and his daughter.
Turning her head slightly to her husband seated on her right, she noticed that his face was taut, his expression grim. His eyes were empty, a glacial grey emptiness that told her nothing of what he felt. As she sensed his dejection her throat tightened. Perhaps it would be better if she were to ask him again to set her free, but as soon as this thought entered her mind, she realised how bleak her future would be without him. With misery stabbing at her heart, she continued to look at the stage through a blur of tears.
Chapter Eleven
Zack was frustrated by the shuttered look that forbade any insight into his wife’s thoughts as she focused her eyes on the stage. In the simple elegance of her golden silk gown, his breath caught in his throat as he watched the irresistible curve of her lips and the brilliance of her green eyes as they gazed at the performers.
Yet there was something remote and detached in the attitude of this dazzling creature. Observing her closely, he saw there was something mechanical in the smile pinned to her face. The love, the warmth and the passion that he had roused in her and had flourished in the times they had been together over the past few days had become frozen into this beautiful effigy. But he had never seen her look so provocatively lovely, so regal, glamorous and bewitching—and she belonged to him.
But did she?
Her remoteness told him that her feelings were no different now than they had been when he had told her about Victoria. Did she really want nothing to do with him or his daughter?
Regret surged upwards within him and was so intense, he was nearly taken aback by surprise. When he’d hatched out his plan to trick Shona on Santamaria, he had never dreamed he’d come to care so deeply for her since that time, but it seemed his reluctance to have their marriage invalidated was all for naught. He realised he had been foolhardy to nurture even a slender thread of optimism that she might wish their marriage to continue and could come to feel some wifely fondness for him and come to accept and love his daughter.
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