by Ava March
One thought rose above the mass of worry and apprehension. Tomorrow. Tomorrow he needed to go to Derbyshire. The earlier his departure, the better.
Chapter Fifteen
“You are exactly where your footman told me I would find you,” Anthony said, as he entered the dining room early the next morning. Thankfully, Pelham wasn’t the sort to laze about for hours on end, and Anthony wouldn’t need to delay his journey while he waited for Pelham to rouse himself from bed.
Pelham looked up from the newspaper beside his breakfast plate. “And a good morning to you too.”
“It appears to be a fine morning.” Anthony stopped before the long mahogany buffet, selected a plate and filled it with the contents of the silver serving dishes. Eggs, kippers, orange slices, sausages. Before he turned from the buffet, he added a piece of bread to his plate. He had a long ride ahead of him, and a hearty breakfast now would ensure he wouldn’t need to stop until midafternoon or so for another meal. “Barely a cloud in the sky. Good weather for traveling.”
“Do you intend to head directly to Derbyshire?”
“Of course.” As if he’d laze about at Arrington Park given the contents of Gabriel’s letter? The only reason he had imposed on Pelham’s hospitality by staying until morning was because he wasn’t fool enough to travel by horseback through the dead of night across a countryside he wasn’t familiar with. As it was, he’d awoken at dawn after a near-sleepless night, intent on departing as soon as practical. He settled into a chair to the left of Pelham’s place at the head of the table. “Already asked to have my horse brought ’round in a short bit.”
“You’re traveling alone on horseback?” The concerned furrow from last night reappeared on Pelham’s brow.
“Quicker on horseback, and the earlier I depart, the more miles I can cover before nightfall.” Even then, he’d be fortunate to reach Derbyshire by tomorrow evening.
Why had it taken him so long to consider that Gabriel might have sent him a note? Weeks had passed since Gabriel had penned that letter. Goddamned weeks. And what if Gabriel wasn’t at his country house anymore? What if he had already let the property go? But Anthony had just left London and Gabriel hadn’t been anywhere to be found...though Gabriel could have rented another room. There was always that possibility.
Enough. He’d worried himself enough last night. All he could control at the moment was reaching Derbyshire.
“Given our discussion last night, I do not believe you should travel alone or stay in Derbyshire alone. Take my driver and carriage. If speed is a concern, you can change horses frequently and travel into the night with the lamps lit.”
“Thank you for the offer, Pelham. Truly.” A footman appeared at his elbow. At Anthony’s nod, the fellow poured him a cup of coffee. “But you’ve generously provided me with more than enough assistance already. As I don’t know for how long I’ll be in Derbyshire or if he’s already left for London—in which case, I’d head directly there—I don’t want to put you out of a carriage or driver for an indefinite period of time. And I’ll hardly be alone once I reach wherever he is currently residing.”
And now a frown joined the concerned furrow. “I’ve done very little thus far.”
“I beg to differ.” Well aware of the servants stationed about the room, Anthony didn’t elaborate. He merely held Pelham’s gaze.
To which Pelham gave a shake of his head. “If you’ll give me a moment, there is a matter I need to attend to.” He pushed up from the table. “And if you could please wait to depart, there is something I need to return to you before you leave.”
As if a piece of paper with written words would be of any use to him. He had already committed the contents to memory. But...he did want that letter back.
And he had yet to apologize for opening his damned mouth last night.
So Anthony turned his attention to his breakfast and waited for Pelham to return.
It didn’t turn out to be a short wait.
After he’d eaten the last of the eggs and set down his fork, a footman stepped forward to take his empty plate. Then another footman appeared at his shoulder. Anthony gave the man a nod and the fellow refilled his cup of coffee.
“Would you care for a fresh copy of the Times, my lord?”
“No, thank you.” It hadn’t bothered him to refuse such requests in years. No hints of discomposure, no brushes of shame. He didn’t wish to peruse the newspaper. It was as simple as that. Yet after last night...
He rolled one shoulder, throwing off the self-consciousness, and looked to the empty, open doorway again.
Pelham’s moment had definitely exceeded any definition of time Anthony was aware of.
There was nothing to be done about it, though. He considered Pelham a good friend, but he wasn’t about to rifle through Pelham’s desk in an attempt to locate Gabriel’s letter. He’d be overstepping his bounds in the man’s home, and what if he stumbled across something he didn’t want to find or wasn’t meant to find?
Did Pelham and his lover ever make good use of the study?
Anthony hoped they did.
His lips quirked.
Pelham needed a lover who would push him to be a bit reckless at times. To break the steely control. To have a spot of fun. Would certainly make time spent behind a desk much more enjoyable.
Damnation, he missed Gabriel.
His chest expanded but he managed to hold back the sigh, to turn it into an unusually long breath.
He popped the last bite of kippers into his mouth. Weeks had passed since Gabriel had written to him, and the man had yet to receive a response from Anthony. He hadn’t explicitly asked for one, but a letter of that nature begged, demanded a response. And the lack of one would be akin to a polite no thank you. A refusal by Anthony of Gabriel’s apologies and thanks and explanations. A refusal of Gabriel himself.
His heart clenched. No, no. Gabriel mustn’t believe that. Gabriel should not have to endure that because his lover was an idiot of the largest magnitude. Gabriel shouldn’t have to feel the slightest bit of pain over Anthony’s ineptitude. Not a drop. Which meant once he located Gabriel, he would need to explain exactly why it had taken him so long to reach Derbyshire.
His stomach turned over, the breakfast sitting none too well. It had been hard enough to admit the truth to Pelham—and thank the heavens above Pelham had been able to mask the pity, to keep it hidden from Anthony’s view. But just the thought, the mere possibility of seeing such well-deserved pity reflected in Gabriel’s eyes...
He reached for his cup, took a long sip of coffee. Focused on swallowing slowly.
His stomach thankfully settled.
But he needed to admit the truth to Gabriel. Had to do it. If for nothing else, to assure Gabriel that he had absolutely no intentions of refusing him. Ever.
The sounds of crisp footsteps on marble reached his ears, coming nearer. He looked to the doorway to see Pelham striding into the room.
“Have you finished with breakfast?” Pelham asked.
“Quite a while ago, in fact.”
Either Pelham didn’t notice the rub or he chose to ignore it. “Let us remove to the study. There is a matter I wish to discuss with you.”
I need to give you his letter. Anthony heard those words between Pelham’s own.
When he reached the study, he found the fire in the hearth lit, the room warmed, and a single teacup next to a squat white porcelain teapot with thin tendrils of steam wafting from its spout on the corner of the large desk.
Pelham clearly spent his mornings in this room.
Anthony shut the door behind them.
“Have a seat.” Pelham motioned to one of the armchairs before his desk.
“About last night,” Anthony said, sitting in the same chair he’d occupied not twelve hours ago. “You have my apolo
gies for mentioning anything. I shouldn’t have opened my damned mouth.”
“Of course you should have.” Pelham rounded his desk and opened a drawer. “You were concerned for him and rightly so. I hope you know you can always come to me for assistance, whatever the matter.”
“No, you misunderstand. I mean, yes and thank you. I knew I could come to you. I was referring to the introduction you made last night. I should not have mentioned that I recognized Tristan. It was poorly done of me. You have my apologies and I hope I have not caused any friction between the two of you.”
Pelham came back around the desk and handed Gabriel’s letter to Anthony, who tucked it into his pocket. “No need to apologize.” Instead of taking his place behind his desk, he turned the other armchair toward Anthony and sat. “It was the first time I was in such a circumstance, and it is one I needed to familiarize myself with. Thankfully it was you and not some mere acquaintance who witnessed my...lapse. I was the one who behaved poorly, yet Tristan has graciously accepted my apologies and my assurances such poor behavior on my part will never be repeated again. So you needn’t worry yourself about it. He’s reassured me, a few times, that everything is all right between us.”
“Does it bother you that I have been acquainted with him?” Now that the concern over causing a rift between Pelham and Tristan was put to rest, a new one sprang up in its place. He didn’t want what happened over a year ago to cause any discord between himself and his friend.
Glancing down, Pelham thought for a moment. “It shouldn’t bother me. It is not uncommon for friends to share a past intimate acquaintance. And there aren’t many men in our circle who prefer other men, at least I don’t believe so. If Tristan was simply a gentleman from a good family in London, the situation might have still occurred. I wasn’t acquainted with him then. It happened in the past. And if not for your nudge, I would not have even met him. So...” He gave a single nod, as if coming to a conclusion, and looked back to Anthony. “No, it doesn’t bother me.”
“Though we do have a gentleman acquaintance in common.” Since they were on the topic, Anthony figured he might as well take the opportunity to tell Pelham. Get it out in the open between them.
“We do?” Pelham frowned. “Who?”
“Jonathan Peterson.” Who had broken it off with Anthony just weeks before the news of Jonathan’s new living arrangement had hit his ears. “When I heard he’d become your guest at Arrington Park a good year ago, it confirmed my suspicions that your preferences went in the male direction.”
“He never mentioned—”
“One doesn’t mention past lovers to a current lover. They don’t much appreciate it, as evidenced by last night.”
The frown grew harsher, tinged with a self-conscious slant. Was it possible Pelham wasn’t aware of that particular rule?
“He’s a damned saint,” Pelham said under his breath.
“Who?”
“Tristan.”
So Pelham hadn’t been aware of that rule. Anthony succeeded in tamping down the chuckle, yet he couldn’t resist teasing his friend. “He endures your grumpy, glowering self. So yes, I agree, your Tristan is a saint. And it is good to see you haven’t been nearly as grumpy of late.”
Pelham inclined his head. “That is his doing. He deserves all the credit on that front.”
“I suspected as much.”
“And how did you suspect my preferences did not follow most other men’s? You said news of Jonathan’s stay at the Park confirmed your suspicions.”
“Little things added up.” Anthony shrugged. “The sort of things only another man with similar preferences would notice. For example, you never once mentioned a woman who interested you, and women are a frequent topic of conversation among men who like to play beneath skirts.”
“I never mentioned another man, either,” Pelham countered.
“But you wouldn’t have, unless you knew with certainty I also had leanings in the same direction. And I don’t believe you figured that out until after you gave in to my nudge and visited Rubicon’s brothel.”
A pause, then a lift of Pelham’s shoulder. “True.” His attention fell back down to his hands and he lapsed into silence once again. Just when Anthony was set to stand and thank him for his hospitality, Pelham spoke. “It’s quite nice. Talking to you. You knowing. Of course, Tristan knows, but it is good to have a friend who understands. He’s a very important part of my life, and I am thankful I don’t need to hide that from you.” He met Anthony’s eyes. “If you and Gabriel Tilden resolve matters between you, the two of you should feel free to come down for a visit at any time. You would be most welcome.”
It wasn’t what Pelham said exactly that took Anthony aback, but the man’s honest sincerity. His tone, the openness in his dark gaze. All traces of the stiff, reserved duke gone. “Why thank you, Pelham. Truly. I hope one day to be able to take you up on your offer.”
“I hope so, as well,” Pelham said solemnly.
And if Anthony had a whit of confidence his own estate was in a decent condition, he would extend the same offer to Pelham and Tristan. He had the impression Pelham would actually let himself enjoy such a holiday. Problem was, Anthony hadn’t a clue if Hawkins Hall was still as he’d left it three years ago or if the shrubbery had taken over the front garden or if the roof had tumbled in. Surely the answer was in some letter or other. Damned letters. They were the bane of his bloody existence.
“Do you hold his marriage against him?” Pelham asked, jolting Anthony to the present.
Did he hold Gabriel’s marriage against him? Anthony searched within himself. “Not anymore, now that I know the true circumstances behind it. I did, though, for years. Many years. I saw him kiss her.” The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. “He didn’t know it at the time, but I saw him. And it hurt.” Damned well ripped his young heart to shreds. “I understand now, though. Or at least I think I do.”
The night at the pond with Gabriel, that night that had meant so much to Anthony, had been too much for Gabriel. The incident pushing him to Charlotte, forcing him to seek a sort of reassurance he wasn’t a disgraceful sodomite. Anthony should have suspected sooner. Should have known all the reticence leading up to that night had not been simply borne from Gabriel trying to determine if Anthony preferred men. Hell, Gabriel had still been fighting his own desires for men up until about a month ago.
Gabriel was, at his core, a country gentleman. Bred and raised in Cheshire, far from the excesses of London. Definitely not the sort of man to blithely snub his nose at expectations and the law in order to follow his heart.
Whereas Anthony... Ever since he could remember, he had wanted what his parents had enjoyed. A relationship built on true love and mutual respect and genuine friendship. Even as a youth, he’d wanted that. Wanted it desperately. And when he’d realized women were not for him, he’d simply removed the wife from his goal and replaced her with a man. With Gabriel, to be specific. All that had mattered—all that still mattered—was finding love. If his heart led him to a man, so be it.
Yet Gabriel...
“He couldn’t accept me then,” Anthony said. “He was too young, too unsure. Not at all ready to push eighteen years of ingrained beliefs aside. I can’t hold his actions then against him now.”
“I would think it a difficult time for any man when he begins to realize he desires other men. Sounds as though you were unfortunate enough to be caught in the middle of such a time for him.”
“Indeed. Unfortunate but also...fortunate, to some degree. Our association then led him back to me now.”
Pelham inclined his head. “I am pleased to hear you don’t hold his marriage, his past, against him. It’s what I endeavor to do with Tristan. It is not how we came together that’s important, but that we are together that matters. And, since we are on the subject of weighty matters,
is all well with the viscounty?”
Of course, that question. As the minutes had ticked away in the study, Anthony had known in the back of his mind that the probability of Pelham asking about the viscounty was increasing. Frankly, he had given Pelham very good cause to ask such a question. “Honestly? I don’t know.” Hell, that had been hard to admit. “I must still be solvent if tradesmen haven’t come knocking on my door yet.”
Another concerned frown from Pelham. “I am more than willing to offer any assistance you may need, and I won’t speak of it to another, if that is a concern.”
“I know, and I appreciate the offer, Pelham. I really do. But I’m not of a mind to tackle that particular problem at the moment. I will tackle it, though, and soon. You have my assurance on that. I can’t continue in ignorance forever, and I can’t continue hiding my ignorance from everyone forever, either.” He made an effort to keep his tone on the light side, as if they were merely discussing the weather, though he wasn’t at all certain whether he succeeded or not. “I need to face it head-on. To stop stuffing correspondences and reports into drawers. I’ve known for some time I needed to allow someone to help me, that it was the only way, and...” He let out a slow breath. “I need to allow that help. If nothing else, I have my mother and Penelope and Simon to consider.”
More than anything, their futures were what weighted on him. His mother and his siblings. He was responsible for them, and they trusted him with that responsibility. Implicitly trusted him. Just the thought his estate could be teetering on the brink of ruin at that very moment, all because of his ineptitude...
His stomach lurched.
But he needed to focus on Gabriel now, and to keep his focus there until he was certain Gabriel was out of danger, free of his debts and free from the vice that had sunk its teeth into him.
And in order to do that, Anthony needed to be on his way.
He pushed to his feet. “Thank you for the hospitality.”
The faint sounds of hooves on gravel cut through the quiet of the study.
