by Bella Andre
She finally had her collection accepted by the department store chain in Japan that she'd been wanting to get into for years. One of her hand-sewn, one-of-a-kind dresses had been selected for display at the Museum of Fashion in Paris. Teen Vogue had called about a half-page feature on up-and-coming designers.
She was getting everything she wanted for her career.
And she was miserable.
Not that anyone knew it, of course. Not even Lily. Mostly because Janica had gone out of her way to avoid her big sister. Actually, she'd gone out of her way to avoid everyone. She hadn't seen her friends, hadn't gone dancing, had barely left her studio for fourteen days and nights.
Tonight, however, she'd been unable to come up with a good enough excuse to miss a family barbecue.
"He isn't coming, Jan," Lily had told her on the phone that morning.
"It's okay if he does."
It wasn't, of course. Saying that was nothing but sheer bravado. But the thing was, even though it wasn't at all okay now, it was going to have to get okay.
Because at some point she was going to have to learn to deal with him.
At some point she was going to have to learn how to be in the same room with Luke and still be in love with him.
At some point she was going to have to figure out a way to watch Luke talk or drink or walk around and not replay, in excruciating detail, how it had felt when she was being touched by his hands, kissed by his mouth.
And at some point her brain was going to learn how to stop replaying his parting words.
I think I'm falling in love with you.
Obviously, though, he'd been wrong. Because she hadn't heard a word from him in the two weeks since she'd left the cabin in Big Sur.
After making a pit stop at the cupcake store, she headed over to Lily and Travis's house. The kids greeted her as if it had been a lifetime since they had seen her.
"They've missed you, Jan," Lily said. "We all have."
"Cupcakes."
She held the box out between them, as if she were trying to use it as a barrier, as a way to keep Lily from trying to get her to spill out everything she was barely holding back. But when Lily took the box and put it on the counter, judging by the way her sister was looking at her, Janica had a bad feeling about the barbecue.
"He's coming," Janica said in a flat voice.
Lily nodded. "I'm sorry. When Travis told me I could have killed him."
"There's nothing to be sorry about. Like I said before, I'll deal."
Not well, probably, but that was beside the point.
Violet reached a dirty hand into Janica's bag and pulled out some pretty pink ribbon and tulle. "Is this for me?"
"You bet," Janica said, picking up the bag and heading into the backyard. "We are going to make you and Sam some special barbecue outfits."
Lily spoke in the soothing tone that Janica remembered so well from their childhood. "He's going to come to his senses, honey. I know he is."
But Janica was already measuring ribbon and tulle.
*
Fourteen sunrises. Fourteen sunsets. Three meals a day. A handful of hours of sleep every night.
Every minute, every second, he'd missed her.
On the phone with Travis that morning, his brother had mentioned a barbeque. Evidently, Lily hadn't said a word to her husband about finding Luke and Janica up at the cabin together. If she had, Luke knew he would have never heard the end of it from his twin.
Why, he'd wondered, had she kept something so big from her husband?
But it hadn't taken a brain surgeon to figure out why.
Lily was waiting for Luke to tell his brother--to tell the entire goddamned world--how he felt about Janica.
Hell, they were all waiting for that.
When he'd asked Travis if Janica was going to be there, his twin had said, "I think so. Lily said something about cupcakes. That usually means her sister is attached to them. I swear, she's a total sugar addict."
A flash of kissing her sweet lips, sticky from s'mores, on the beach had assaulted him.
The sound of Janica's laughter floated all the way out to the sidewalk and he stumbled, nearly dropping the bottle of wine he was holding. The front door was unlocked and he let himself inside. After putting the merlot down on the kitchen counter, he walked into the living room where there was a sliding glass door that led out to a huge atrium.
Janica was dancing with the kids to a pop song he'd often heard playing at the hospital. Violet and Sam were dressed in ribbons and fabric and Janica was holding their hands and spinning in a circle.
He swore to God he'd never seen anything or anyone so beautiful in his entire life.
He loved her.
Nothing had ever been so perfectly, blatantly obvious.
All these years he'd tried to tell himself she was all about taking. But he'd been blindly, stupidly wrong about her.
She'd given and given to him, never once asking anything for herself. And looking at her with her niece and nephew, seeing, knowing how completely open and joyous she was with them, the truth hit him like a ton of bricks.
He'd lied to himself all those years--wasting each and every one of them--to try and keep himself safe. Safe from losing someone he loved again.
When it turned out that the only true safety he'd known since he was ten years old was with Janica.
It didn't make any sense. He wasn't at all sure how--or if--she would fit into his world, but none of that seemed to matter anymore. If the two of them had to go live on a remote island to make it work, that's what they'd do.
Travis came around the corner just then, clapping him on the shoulder. "Hey bro. Just in time for the grilling to begin."
That was when Janica looked up and finally saw him, her eyes going wide, her face flushing an even deeper shade of rose.
He didn't answer his brother. Instead, he walked straight over to the woman who meant everything to him. The woman who had given him her heart again and again.
"I--"
The part of him that still couldn't believe he was going to say it--to Janica of all people!--made him pause.
Damn it. What was wrong with him?
She needs to know how you feel. And then maybe, if you're the luckiest son of a bitch on the planet, she'll take you back. Just spit it out already. You might not have picked her, but that doesn't matter anymore. It wasn't your choice to love her, but that doesn't change the fact that you do.
It isn't going to kill you to say it, to admit the way you really feel. Maybe it will even save you.
"I love you."
The kids continued to dance around her as the song played on, but Janica just stood there and stared at him.
Why wasn't she throwing herself in his arms? Why wasn't she saying the words back to him.
"I love you," he said again. "I can't help myself. I've tried for so hard, for so long to stop feeling what I feel for you, but the truth is I've never been able to help myself, Janica. It shouldn't have taken me this long to figure out that I love you. So much, sweetheart."
The tension between them grew so palpable that even the kids stopped dancing. Lily, Travis, and both kids stood in silence, all of them waiting for what came next.
Finally, Janica dropped the children's hands and moved toward him. His heart had just started to beat again when she said, "Thank you for letting me know."
And then, instead of walking into his arms, she walked past them.
All the way out the door.
And out of his life.
*
He heard Travis say, "Take the kids, Lily," and then his brother was right there in his face.
"What the fuck was that?" His twin was incredulous.
"I love her."
And he'd lost her.
Travis shook his head, looking more confused than he ever had. "I don't get it. You and Janica? How? When? Where?"
"A few weeks ago. I went to her apartment."
He'd been in pain and she'd been
the person he'd turned to. The only person who could give him what he must have known he desperately needed.
Not just her body.
But her heart too.
"She's right, you know. I don't deserve her."
"Look, Luke. I don't know what the hell is going on with the two of you, but you've got to see that it could never have worked between the two of you. I mean, Janica is--"
He had his brother's shirt in his hands so quickly neither of them saw it coming. "Janica is what?"
After thirty-five years of Travis playing the tough guy and Luke playing the nice guy, everything switched in an instant.
"Say it," Luke dared his twin, wanting nothing more than to pound his brother's face into the pavement.
Clearly seeing the raw violence pounding through Luke's veins, Travis backed down. "I'm sorry, man. I like her. You know I do. I'm just surprised by your coming here and saying that to her."
Luke forced himself to drop his brother's shirt. "Tell Lily I'm sorry I can't stay."
Chapter Twenty-two
An hour later Travis walked into Janica's studio as if he owned the place. She purposefully ignored him. Which wasn't easy to do when he was hunkering over her, huge and angry.
"Hey sis. How's it going? Since you missed dinner, I brought you a burger."
She didn't buy the greeting. There was nothing easy, nothing nice about it apart from the actual words.
"I'm busy. What do you want?"
"We need to talk."
Still not bothering to look up from her computer where she was double-checking orders for the month, she said, "Fine. Talk."
"What the fuck kind of game are you playing with my brother?"
Knowing her own eyes were blazing now, she shot back, "You want me to draw you some dirty pictures?"
His mouth tightened, the mouth that was so like his twin's and, yet, so completely different. Of course she saw the surface similarities between Luke and Travis, but to her, that's all they were. Surface stuff.
She wasn't in love with Travis. She would never, ever be in love with Travis.
But she loved Luke with every goddamned cell of her body.
She watched Travis take a step back from her desk, walk to the window to look at the crowded city streets below.
"You know I've always thought you were a little bit crazy, right?"
He wasn't trying to be mean, and the truth was she didn't take offense. It was just the way she and Travis talked to each other.
"Yup," she agreed. "And you know I've always thought you were a little bit of an asshole, right?"
Finally, the hint of a grin.
"But here's the thing--I never thought you were stupid, Janica. You're one of the smartest people I've ever met. Both you and my brother have big, huge brains."
Her stupid heart skipped a beat at the mention of Luke, damn it.
"So then why the hell are you acting so stupid now?"
It killed her not to combat his awful words with worse words of her own. But, really, what was the point? Nothing Travis did or said was going to change the truth of the matter.
Luke didn't want to love her. And she couldn't do a damn thing to change that.
Except for stupidly, foolishly hoping that maybe, at some point in the future, he'd look at her and see everything he wasn't seeing now. Because didn't he see that loving her despite himself wasn't enough?
"I've got a lot of work to catch up on," she said by way of a get-the-hell-out.
But Travis didn't get the picture. Or, maybe he did, but he didn't give a fuck what she wanted him to do.
"We all know you're in love with him."
She met Luke's twin's gaze with clear, direct eyes.
"I am. So ridiculously, pathetically in love with your brother that I can hardly believe it." A muscle in Travis's jaw twitched in what she figured was shock and she continued with, "And trust me, he knows it."
After all, she'd only told him about a hundred times.
Clearly caught off guard by her sensationally straightforward admission, Travis stopped, stared, then sat down hard on her leather couch.
"Fuck."
It was, quite possibly, the biggest moment of solidarity she'd ever had with her sister's husband.
"I feel exactly the same way."
He shook his head, confusion taking over his face. "So then why won't you take him back?"
It was easiest to say, "Because I'm a bitch."
His eyes softened. Just slightly. "You're not a bitch."
"But it would be easier if you thought that was the reason."
Not just for him, but for her too.
"You're right," Travis agreed. "It probably would be. But I'd rather hear the real reason."
She thought about it for a second. "I really don't want to have to say the words aloud to you, Travis."
He nodded and she thought that maybe, just maybe, he was going to go now and she would be left alone in her abject misery. Instead, he said, "All my life, until Lily came along, Luke was the most important person in the world to me. He was the only one who really knew me. Who saw through all my bullshit. But the thing is, I don't think I've ever been able to see all the way through his. I've seen him work himself into the ground, I've seen him date women who are so cold you wouldn't want to touch them with your tongue because it would stick. But I've never seen him like this, Janica. Help me help him."
They were more words than she'd ever heard strung together out of her brother-in-law's mouth. Now it was her turn to be stunned.
"What makes you think I know how to help him?"
"I can't believe I'm about to say this," he said, looking well and truly appalled, "but on the way over here I started to see things differently. Different enough that I actually think you're perfect for him. You're not one of those frigid bitches he's always been with. He knew he wouldn't fall in love with any of them. But you...well, clearly he didn't know what the fuck to do about you. Which is why I'm thinking that you might be the only person on the planet who can get through to him. The only person who can actually reach him." He shook his head. "I may need to go have my head examined after this."
"Good idea," she said, working like hell to fight back the rush of moisture that was building behind her eyeballs at her brother-in-law's unexpected words.
But his eyes saw too much, damn him.
Damn all the Carson men.
"You haven't told me yet why you won't take him back. Especially when I can see how badly you want to."
She couldn't sit behind her computer anymore. Her legs were itching to move, to run--and keep running. Away from everything that was hurting so bad. But even as she jumped up out of her chair, she realized not only did she have nowhere to go, but that even if she tried, she'd never be able to hide out, she'd never be able to steal away from her feelings.
"I just can't."
"Have you heard a word I've said?"
"And then some," she muttered. "Look, it doesn't matter what you think or what Lily thinks or even what I think."
She shook her head, hated the way she felt, like she was going to break apart, literally shatter from the inside out.
"It just doesn't matter."
"It does, Janica." He paused. "He told you he loves you. In front of all of us."
Her nostrils flared. She swallowed. Fought for whatever last shred of composure she retained.
"That was really big of him to do it like that. The grand gesture. You must have been really impressed."
"Fuck being impressed, Janica. The point is he did it. He said it. He feels it. So why the hell are we sitting here having this discussion? Why are you sitting here arguing with me instead of making his life a living hell?"
No.
This was where she had to draw the line. She wouldn't sit here and explain how it had felt to hear Luke say, "I love you," while everything else about him said he'd failed. While every piece of him clearly screamed that he couldn't believe he'd actually gone and fallen for the notorious,
the slutty, the wild-child Janica Ellis.
"I want to be with--" She cut herself off and started over. "I need to be with someone who actually wants to love me." She felt the edges of her mouth start to wobble and sat back down behind her desk, putting her fingers on her keyboard in a desperate attempt to steady herself.
"Not just someone who can't help himself."
*
Lily lay in the curve of Travis's arms later that night. After putting the kids to sleep, he'd made the sweetest, most passionate love to her. Every touch, every kiss, every stroke of his body inside of hers had been pure emotion.
Pure love.
On the verge of falling into a deep, sated sleep, she heard him say, "You haven't asked me about my conversation with your sister yet."
She shifted out of his arms and sat up in the bed, moonlight streaming over her lush curves. "You didn't seem ready to talk about it yet."
His eyes drank her in, roving from her face to her breasts and stomach and hips, then back up to her eyes. "My God, sweetheart, you're so damned beautiful."
She reached for his hand and threaded her fingers through his, knowing she'd never get tired of hearing him say those words. Even though she saw the truth of it in his eyes every time he looked at her.
"I love you," she said, and then, "So what happened?"
"I was wrong about her."
Another time she might have laughed at his look of almost physical pain from his admission, but she couldn't. Not when she was so terribly worried about her sister. And his brother.
"She's not playing Luke," Travis said. "She really, truly cares about him." His face tightened even further. "He needs her in a way that he doesn't need you or me. And I'm afraid he's going to lose her."
Her heart was so heavy a couple of tears fell before she even realized she was crying. "I'm afraid of that too."
"Hell," Travis said. "I'm thinking if things don't change soon, we're going to have to get them on a plane to Italy and force the issue."
Her eyes sparkled at the memory of their surprise wedding. "Oh, wouldn't it be amazing to see them up on that stage at the Festival of Weddings?"
Travis pulled her back into his arms and loved her tears away, but even after he fell asleep with his head on her chest, she couldn't stop worrying. Because she knew that dragging her sister and brother-in-law off to Italy wouldn't make a lick of difference.
