I sighed. I’d never had anyone do something that romantic for me, and I probably never would.
I knew it just wasn’t in the cards for me. It wasn’t that I valued myself poorly, but I had come to accept that love wasn’t part of the deal for me. I had believed in it before, and it had ripped my heart out. After Shane left me, all the dreams, all the plans we’d made together vanished with him.
I couldn’t bring myself to believe in happy endings. I looked down at my belly and laughed. Yep, I was fucking right. Happy endings were just for fools.
“Allyyyy! I brought dinner!” Ella said, waltzing in through the front door. At her request, I had given her my house keys. She said she needed them in case anything ever happened to me. Boyd might have still been MIA, but at least I had someone taking care of me.
“Hello, honey! How was your day?” I asked her, pretending to be a ’50s housewife.
“Fabulous! How’s my godson or…goddaughter?” She came close and patted my belly. It was too damn early to start this shit; I didn’t even have a belly yet. Well, I had my own, but there was no baby to touch. I was going to have to set some boundaries, godmother or not. Of course, it was also too early to even think about a godmother…she was the one who was running with the idea. Maybe I was letting her get away with too much.
“Great…I think. Just really tired.”
“Ugh! I’m sorry, boo.” She frowned. “Have you heard from Boyd?”
I shook my head no. I had been hoping she wouldn’t bring his name up; it made my stomach hurt even though I wasn’t suffering from morning sickness as much as before. I was really upset with him; his behavior was inexcusable.
“Have you checked his Instagram lately?”
“Why would I?” I asked her, but I was lying. I had actually checked his Instagram days before to get clues about his whereabouts and to see what he was doing instead of calling me.
“He had a blurry picture of some paperwork with a weird post about changes…I was wondering if you had seen it. Lou said he hasn’t been able to talk to him…ever since he ratted him out.” I rolled my eyes. I had specifically asked Lou to leave Boyd alone and make his own decisions, but apparently he couldn’t just let it go.
I pulled up my phone out of curiosity and started scrolling through his Instagram feed again. I went all the way back to the weeks when he’d been in Amsterdam. There were shots he took at night, and I could see my silhouette in the distance in a couple of them. Then there was one he had clearly taken in my bed; he had perfect bedhead and a cocky grin. Then there was another picture I had never seen before…of him and me…in bed. My face was hidden by his body, and he was kissing my shoulder as I lay asleep next to him.
I suddenly remembered stirring next to him that morning. We’d had slow, sleepy sex, the kind that makes you think life doesn’t get better than that. I remembered trying to dismiss how good it was and how much I liked having him in my arms. I felt tears stinging my eyes, and the screen of the phone became blurry.
Why had I not heard from him yet? What the fuck was his deal?
COWARD. SELFISH BASTARD. DISAPPOINTMENT. PRICK.
I had heard them all.
Everyone hated me. Well, everyone who knew.
At work and online I was still the hunk everyone wanted a piece of.
But I wasn’t in the mood for that. I wasn’t in the mood to be anyone’s entertainer.
My parents and my brother were disgusted by me.
I had been trying to work through the shock of knowing I would soon become a father.
A father.
I had been trying so hard for the last twelve years to never get involved, and now it had fucking backfired. I was going to be involved…for the rest of my life.
A child.
As much as I tried to lie to myself, I had always wanted it—I just hadn’t expected it to happen this way. I had to get my affairs in order. I was making plans. It wasn’t that I didn’t care, it was just taking me some time to get things figured out.
I was never one to run my mouth until I got shit done.
Then when I did, I left everyone speechless.
I was moving to Amsterdam.
For the time being, at least. I had made sure I had someone in charge of the gyms in New York and I would come back in a few months to make sure everything was going well, possibly before Ally’s due date.
I sent her a message telling her I was flying out to Amsterdam but she never replied. She was probably just as disappointed in me as everyone else was.
Hopefully, in time, she’d be able to forgive me for being distant. I wanted to be there for her, but besides being a father to our unborn child, I wasn’t sure what I would be able to offer.
Sure, I liked her—a lot. My mother had been going on and on one night on the phone about “making things right”, but I doubted that was what Ally wanted from me.
She was a strong, intelligent, and independent woman. She was ready to be a single mother; she had said so herself. I didn’t want to offer her marriage just to patch things up; she would laugh in my face—or beat my ass.
And as of right then, I couldn’t even offer her a relationship. We were good together, but outside the bedroom we didn’t really know each other. Our relationship was not about love; it was about chemistry and attraction. I was just hoping she somehow didn’t hate me too much. Part of me was hoping she’d still let me in her bed.
I was worn out when I arrived in town. I’d had a night out with friends before my flight and yet, I hadn’t been able to sleep on the plane at all.
When I landed, I sent Ally a text saying I wanted to see her, then went to bed as soon as I got to the hotel. We had been communicating via email, but I hadn’t talked to her in weeks. I had called her just once after learning about the baby, but after that, I could never muster up the courage to give her a ring.
I woke up around six in the morning, and she still hadn’t replied to any of my messages. My ego was wounded, but I didn’t let it bring me down.
It was time for the hero to redeem himself.
* * *
I’d tell her how sorry I was. I’d tell her I’d fucked up bad. I’d promise I was going to be there for her. From then on, I’d be there, and she could count on me.
I knew it might not be a great idea to go to her house early in the morning, but I had to see her. I had to talk to her.
She opened the door, hair up in a messy knot, a toothbrush stuck in her mouth. Her sleep shirt said Gouda, Woulda, Shoulda and I chuckled. Her bottom half wasn’t naked this time; she was wearing some loose black pajama pants. Now that she was in front of me, I realized how much I had really missed her—much more than I wanted to admit—and although she looked pale and tired, I still wanted to hold her in my arms and kiss the hollow of her cheek.
I had been an idiot.
I should have gotten my ass there sooner. It was obvious she needed me. She looked sleepy, but as soon as she took me in, her eyes widened in shock. Her mouth opened, and the foam of the toothpaste gathered at the corners of her lips.
“Hi,” I said, wiping away the toothpaste.
Her eyes were full of questions, betraying everything she was feeling.
Surprise. Relief. Anger.
I deserved every loaded stare she was throwing at me.
She let me in and went to the bathroom to rinse her mouth. She came back out with her eyes narrowed and a quizzical expression on her face.
“What are you doing here? I was expecting Hedwig.” She frowned. “I thought we were going to meet later tonight.”
“We were.” I had sent her my itinerary and told her when I’d be arriving in town.
I knew she was mad at me and I was pissed at myself for not trying harder, for not letting her know I was ready to take my share of responsibilities.
It had taken me a few weeks, but I was ready…sort of.
As ready as I could ever be, at least. Now that I was there with her, I realized how wrong I had been. I shou
ld have called her.
But I hadn’t, because I was scared.
Scared of how my life was going to change.
Scared of my future mirroring my past.
I knew she wasn’t that kind of woman, but we’d really only spent a few weeks together.
I had thought I’d known the love of my life, and it had turned out I hadn’t.
I knew I had to listen to my ma and stop thinking about the past. I had to give this, us, a chance.
I owed it to her, to our child.
“I’m sorry to show up like this, but I couldn’t wait. I need to talk to you.”
“Oh. Right now?” she asked, hesitant.
“If it’s okay with you. Do you want me to come back later?”
“No, I want to talk to you, it’s just that…I can’t stay and talk. I have a hearing this morning.”
I nodded.
“I’m going to get ready. You can, um…stay here…if you want,” she said, looking confused. She disappeared into the bedroom, and I let out a sigh.
I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I did the only thing I could think of: I made breakfast. I had been there plenty of mornings, and I knew what she liked.
I scrambled some eggs, added some milk, and grated some of her favorite cheese.
I sprinkled some salt and fired up the stove. I brewed some coffee, and then realized she might not even be drinking it. I hadn’t even asked her how she was feeling.
Lou had told me she’d been suffering from morning sickness.
I toasted some bread, and a couple minutes later she came out of her room.
“What are you…?”
“I wanted to make myself useful. You seemed in a hurry, so…I thought I might start by doing something nice for the woman who’s carrying my child…even though I’m a few weeks late,” I said with a shrug.
Her expression was cautious at first, but her eyes softened as she took a seat at the kitchen island. Her hair was tied in a low bun at the nape of her neck. Her side-swept bangs had been straightened and she had some makeup on her face. She was wearing a white silky blouse that tied loosely around the collar and a black pencil skirt with black tights and black pumps.
“Coffee?” I asked.
“Only half a cup. I’m…trying to quit. I know I shouldn’t drink it, but some mornings it’s hard to wake up. This is one of those mornings,” she added with a small smile. She took a sip of the coffee. “Hmmm. So good.” She suddenly seemed more at ease. Her eyes lit up when I placed the plate in front of her.
“Thank you.” She caught me staring at her. “What about you? Why aren’t you eating?”
“I’m not really hungry.”
“Huh? That’s new.” She gave me a pensive look. “Don’t tell me you’re on a new diet, Boyd. Don’t make me tell you you don’t need to lose any weight,” she mused, and I cracked at her joke.
“No, I think I’m just jet lagged. I’ll eat later, but it sounds like you have a big day so…it seemed the right thing to do.” I shrugged.
“It was,” she said after chewing on a mouthful of eggs. “I was starving and I was probably just going to grab a granola bar. This is great. Thanks.”
“My pleasure,” I replied, suddenly bashful.
I exhaled a deep breath and tried to say what I had been thinking for a while.
“Ally—”
She frowned as soon as she locked eyes with me and shook her head.
“Boyd, I know we need to talk, but not right now, remember? I have to meet my client in…forty minutes,” she said, checking the time on her phone. “I need to be out of here in ten. We can talk tonight at dinner, okay?”
“Okay,” I replied in resignation. “So, if we can’t talk about the important stuff, can I at least walk you to work and ask you how you’ve been?”
She smiled a tight-lipped smile, but her eyes sparkled. “I would love that.”
* * *
“What’s he doing here?”
“I don’t have time to discuss this right now, Boyd,” she replied curtly. What was her ex doing there? The same man we’d met in Tennessee around Christmas was waiting for her outside a building. There was another man standing with him, and both of them were holding briefcases. What did he possibly have to do here in Amsterdam?
“What’s this about, then?”
She rolled her eyes and shook her head. “I have a hearing and Nars and I need to brief our client. I shouldn’t have let you follow me here.”
“Nars? Client? What client? Who? Him?”
“Nars Langher is the criminal attorney hired by the Lightfoots. The client is Shane’s brother, Grant. He’s gotten into quite a bit of trouble. You would know if you had tried to call me in all this time.”
I groaned. “I’m sorry. I-I didn’t know. Why do you have to be involved in all this, though? Couldn’t he hire someone else?”
“It’s what I do, Boyd. This is my job,” she huffed.
“Yeah, but you could have given this case to someone else. You could have found someone else to do this. Why?” I grabbed her arms, and she stopped in her tracks.
Why was she dealing with her ex and his family? Why had she gotten involved in any of that? When I’d witnessed their encounter months ago, it was clear they hadn’t seen each other in a long time. They hadn’t stayed in touch, and by the way Ally avoided my questions about him, I could tell they hadn’t parted ways amicably. What was she trying to do working with him now? She could have referred him to anyone else, let some other attorney deal with his shithead brother.
Why was she doing this? Did she still love him? And why did the thought of that anger me?
“Let me go,” she ordered.
“Are you still in love with him? He’s married. He has two kids, Ally.”
She narrowed her eyes. “Who the fuck do you think you are? You’ve been here all of ten minutes and you’re spitting out judgement already?” she growled. There was fire in her eyes and the expression on her face was full of hatred…for me. I had crossed the line. I was spitting out words without even thinking.
Shit. I was fucking everything up already.
“I’m sorry. Just let me walk you to the building and then I’ll leave, I promise. I guess I’m just…surprised, that’s all.” I looked down at my feet, embarrassed for lashing out like that. “I should have stayed in bed this morning. I should have waited. I’m messing everything up.”
She laughed, and I glanced up to look at her. My half-assed apology had worked, but now she was staring at me, eyebrows furrowed, a curious look in her eyes.
“Are you jealous?” she asked in a low, husky voice.
I shrugged and leaned toward her just slightly, trying to win her over with a shy smirk. “Maybe. It’s possible…or maybe I’m just really tired and cranky.” Jealous. I scoffed mentally at the thought of it. I was skeptical. Diffident, for sure. Or…maybe I really was jealous. I wasn’t sure, to be honest. The last time I had gotten this territorial over a woman, I had been a different man.
Seeing Shane waiting for her outside the building had rubbed me the wrong way. The woman was carrying my child, and I knew she was different and was telling the truth, but I had been burned before.
She exhaled a deep breath and gave me a loaded look.
“I really don’t have time to do this right now. We’ll talk later.” She gave me a kiss on the cheek and said goodbye, leaving me alone with my confused thoughts and feelings.
* * *
She texted me the address of a restaurant and told me to meet her there at seven. I had been hoping I could go pick her up at her house, but I did as she asked. I was done disappointing her. I needed to apologize, first of all.
I waited for her outside the restaurant, pacing nervously on the sidewalk.
I knew what I had to tell her. I had gone over it so many times in my head.
I thought I had the words memorized, but when she appeared in the distance, I forgot everything.
All I could think of was h
ow happy I was to see her and how much I wanted to hold her in my arms.
She looked beautiful, dressed in a dark blue dress with a low-cut V-neck that was peeking out of a dark trench coat. It was a bit windy that afternoon so her hair was getting blown around and she kept trying to fix it, unsuccessfully. The trees were in bloom, and the wind was blowing the petals everywhere. The sidewalks were covered in them, and they were even on the water of the canals.
When she finally looked up and saw me, she stopped in her tracks for a moment. I gave her an uneasy smile as I shoved my hands in my pockets. She smiled back and held my gaze until she reached me.
When she got near, she didn’t say anything, just kept staring at me.
We hadn’t had time to talk that morning and I knew I owed her a big, fat apology, but now I was blanking.
“I fucked up.” That seemed to be a good, self-explanatory opener.
“Yeah, you have—a lot,” she said, cocking one eyebrow up. The tone of her voice was so low I could barely hear her, but her face gave away enough. She wasn’t happy with me. I had disappointed her. I’d never even tried to talk to her about our baby.
I let out a long breath. “I’m sorry it took me so long to get my ass over here. I’d like to be here for you, if you’ll let me.”
She nodded, looking down. Her hair covered her face, and I couldn’t see her eyes.
“What took you so damn long? And why didn’t you call me?” she asked, getting closer to me, pulling on the lapel of my leather jacket. Her voice was strained and as I brushed the hair out of her face, I saw her eyes were filled with tears. She was hurt. I had hurt her.
Great job, jackass. You did this.
I tried to hug her but she pushed me away. I wrapped my arms around her again. She didn’t push me away the second time, but she didn’t reciprocate.
“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I should have called you. I was making plans to come here all along. I just…I didn’t know what to say to you over the phone.”
“Just about anything would have been better than nothing.” She was bitter, and she had every right to be.
Not About Love (This Love Book 2) Page 16
