by Beth Revis
“Not that I really want a wi-com, but can’t you just make another one? A new one? One that wasn’t under someone’s skin?”
“We don’t have unlimited resources. There are more babies coming than we have wi-coms ready for, and the Shippers are already scrambling to make more. Besides which, I can’t program a used one for a baby; it runs a greater chance of wearing out over time.”
I fiddle with the metal clasp, trying to get the blasted thing off.
Doc’s hand twitches, but he doesn’t reach out to stop me. Instead, he says, “Amy, you need a wi-com. It’s this or get one implanted.”
“You can’t make me—” I start.
“No,” he says, “but Elder can. And we both agree — and you know it too — that you need to be able to call for help if…”
My hand stills. If.
Frex. He’s right.
Doc nods, satisfied that I’m not going to rip the thing off and throw it away. “Well. I just wanted to give you this. Let me know if… if you need anything.” He walks away, shutting the door behind him.
But me, I remain as frozen as when I lay in the glass coffin and the ice stilled my beating heart.
Frex is one of their words.
I am not one of them.
I, with a wi-com on my wrist, am not one of them.
I’m not.
I’m not.
5 ELDER
The words take a long time to sink in. “We’re… stopped?” I say. I scan the Shippers’ faces, hoping for some hint that this isn’t true, but the grim set of Marae’s jaw is evidence enough for me.
Oh, frex. How am I going to tell Amy this?
“How long have we been stopped?” My voice rises. I sound like a tantrum-throwing child, but I can’t help it.
“We’re… not sure. For some time. Maybe since the Plague.” Marae bites her lip.
“There was no Plague,” I say automatically. She knows this; she’s just used to calling the mutiny that happened so many gens ago the Plague, perpetuating the lie the Eldest system is based on.
Behind me, the ship’s heartbeat continues: whirr-churn-whirr. “How can we not be moving?” I ask. “The engine is still working.” Even to me, I sound desperate, a child refusing to believe the fairy tales aren’t real.
“We’ve been diverting energy since the Eldest system began, actually. We need it for the internal function of the ship. The solar lamp alone isn’t strong enough anymore.”
I force myself to meet Marae’s eyes. “So where are we?”
Marae shakes her head, thrown off by my question. “What do you mean?”
“How far away are we from Centauri-Earth? If we’ve been stopped for… for so long, then our projected planet-landing is… inaccurate, to say the least. So, how far away are we?”
“We don’t know,” Marae says. “We cannot be concerned with planet-landing now. We have to hold Godspeed together.”
The authority in her tone — the way she has given me an order — claws up my spine. “Here’s what we’re going to do,” I command. “One of you will be assigned to navigation. Exclusively. If we know how far away we are, we’ll know how big a fix we need to do on the engine. Maybe we can make the ship limp along, long enough to reach the planet. Maybe eventually we’ll have to discuss more drastic measures.” I level my gaze on Marae. “But we are going to focus more on making this ship actually reach Centauri-Earth.”
Second Shipper Shelby opens her mouth to speak, but Marae throws her hand up first to stop her. “I’ll do it myself,” she says, “but first, we want to make a request of you.”
The way she says “request” makes it feel much more like a demand, but I nod anyway.
“We want the Feeders to be put back on Phydus.”
My hand slips into my pocket. For a moment, I wonder if Marae knows that I’ve carried the wires from the Phydus machine with me every day since Amy ripped them out three months ago.
“No,” I say, firmly, as much to myself as to them.
“It wouldn’t be hard to fix the Phydus machine,” Marae says. “In fact, Second Shipper Shelby has already done a preliminary repair report—”
Marae holds her hand out, and Shelby gives her another floppy already flashing with a mechanical diagram.
I glance down at the floppy. It would be an easy fix. An easy fix — and an easy solution. A little bit of Phydus — maybe not even as much as Eldest used before… we could eliminate a lot of the conflicts we’re having… get people back to working without fuss…
“No,” I say adamantly, my voice low. “We’re not using the pumps.”
“It doesn’t have to be through the pumps,” Marae says. “Doc’s been working on some med patches for us using the Phydus compound.”
I cut her off. “No one needs Phydus.”
Marae’s lips tighten. She reaches across me and swipes her finger across the top of the floppy. The mechanical diagrams are replaced with a line chart. “Productivity decreased by ten percent the first week the Feeders were off Phydus. It’s down to nearly thirty percent now, and there seems to be no indication that it will rise again.” She offers me the floppy, but I don’t take it. “Our food supplies are dangerously low. This is a primary concern, but we’re running out of other necessities, such as clothing, as well.”
I open my mouth to speak, but she continues in an even voice. “We have crime now. Never had it before. But now we do. Domestic violence, theft, vandalism. With Phydus—”
And there it is. Doubt. They trust the drug more than me.
“I’ll take care of the people,” I say, my voice firm. “You take care of the ship.”
“But Eld — Elder,” Marae says, resting one slender hand on my arm. “Why bother? They don’t need to be anything but workers. We don’t need them to be anything else.”
“I understand what you’re saying.” I grip the edges of the floppy.
I don’t tell her that I’ve thought of all of this before.
I don’t tell her that’s why I carry the wires to the Phydus machine around in my pocket every day.
Instead, I say, “What we need is a police force. Like they had on Sol-Earth. I need people who I can trust, who can help me ensure that everything runs smoothly.”
Marae stands straighter. “A poe-leez force?”
This time, I’m the one who swipes the floppy and starts tapping on the screen. After a moment, I hand her an article about police and social sciences. She scans it briefly, then hands it to Shelby.
“Basically, I need people who can help enforce the rules. Investigate crime, stop people from doing wrong. If there’s trouble, I’ll need backup.”
“The Shippers have always been obedient to the Eldest system. We will make sure the system does not fail. In whatever capacity it becomes.” She means: she’s willing to try using police instead of Phydus. I’m not confident enough in her words or my position to ask what will happen if my latest suggestion fails.
I know the first-level Shippers better than nearly anyone else on this ship, even though I’ve only worked with them in the months since Eldest died. I can read their faces. Haile and Jodee and Tailor are nodding along with Marae, eager to accept this role. Prestyn, Brittne, Buck, and even Second Shipper Shelby look wary. I know they will follow Marae, though, even if they wouldn’t follow me. And while Marae sometimes still tries to boss me around because I’m younger, she never truly forgets my position as Eldest, even if I won’t take the name.
This might just work.
And, as soon as I think that, Shelby makes a noise of surprise. We turn to her. In her hands is the floppy she’d taken earlier. She holds it out first to Marae, but then she thinks better of it and hands it to me. The Shippers break their ordered line and crowd around me as I read the giant white words flashing across the black screen.
DO NOT ACCEPT THE OPPRESSION OF THE ELDEST SYSTEM
THERE IS NO LEADER
LEAD YOURSELF
“Someone has hacked into the floppy network,”
Marae growls. Her fierce eyes meet mine. “Is this what you meant by needing a poe-leez force?”
“Yes.” My voice lacks her passion. These words flashing across the screen say I am nothing, and for the first time since Eldest died, I think they may be right.
Marae slides the floppy from my fingers and tries to swipe the screen clear. The last two words — LEAD YOURSELF — grow larger, filling the whole screen. Marae slides her fingers across the screen again. Nothing happens.
“Frex!” I’ve never heard her curse before.
The Shippers gather close to the screen. They look worried — Haile and Jodee start whispering to each other, and Brittne’s hand moves to her wi-com. Shelby’s eyes keep reading the phrase over and over, mouthing the words silently.
“Calm down,” Marae snaps, and I — and every Shipper — focus our attention on her. “This is our first task as poe-leez. And we will not fail the Eldest.”
She hands the floppy to Fourth Shipper Prestyn. “This is a good hack,” he says after a moment of examination. “I’ll get my group started on breaking it right away.”
Marae nods curtly, and Prestyn heads to the door, already barking orders into his wi-com.
“I’ll check all our security feeds,” Second Shipper Shelby says.
“And we’ll need to start researching methods to add increased security to the floppy network,” Marae says. The rest of the Shippers break away from the group, a buzz of activity already drowning out the sounds of the churning engine behind me.
Marae touches my elbow and draws me aside. I can still see the bright white words on the floppy, mocking me.
“What are you going to do, Elder?” she asks.
I meet her eyes. “I really don’t know.”
6 AMY
THIS WI–COM IS SUPPOSED TO CONNECT ME TO THE SHIP, BUT all it does is make me feel even more disconnected from my past. But… I do need it, like Doc said. Because I’m not safe here.
My hand clenches around my wrist. The bruises are long gone, but other hands once held my wrists, forcing me down to the ground…
I release my hand and suck in a huge breath of air. I won’t let myself think of that. I can’t let myself think of that.
Instead, I look at the wi-com. I imagine the braided wires slithering apart, sliding under my skin, burrowing through my flesh. I’m wearing something that was once inside someone else. It’s like wearing a tooth on a necklace or making earrings from toenails. It’s even worse that it came from Orion. I want nothing more than to rip this thing that was once his off my wrist and destroy it… but something stops me.
At least, with the wi-com, I can reach Elder. In the past few weeks, I’ve seen him less and less — and I get it, really I do, I know he’s busy. But… I can’t help but smile. It will be nice to be able to talk to him.
I push the button on the wi-com and say Elder’s name. I raise it to my ear, waiting to hear his voice. Beep! “Com link denied,” a pleasant female computer voice says.
Well, it would be nice to talk to Elder. If he’d actually answer my com.
I look closer at the wi-com — small black letters are printed along one of the wires. I wouldn’t really notice them if I wasn’t inspecting the wi-com so closely. I dig my finger into the braided wires, separating the red wire from the others so I can see the letters more clearly.
It’s one phrase, three words repeated over and over and over in tiny print: Abandon all hope.
My first thought is, how did Doc miss this? He said he cleaned the wi-com. But, I suppose, this is just another mark of how disturbed — by which I mean downright psycho — Orion was. I wouldn’t be surprised if Doc saw the message and gave the wi-com to me regardless — words printed on a wire don’t actually change whether or not the stupid thing works. Doc cares more about practicality than whatever leftover bits of Orion’s insanity are braided up into the thing.
Beyond that, the phrase is apt. If there’s one thing I don’t have any more of, it’s hope. It’s almost like Orion left that message just for me.
And then I realize: he did.
Doc said the wi-com came with a note. It is, in a way, my inheritance.
My mind spins. Orion doesn’t have to tell me there’s no more hope for me aboard Godspeed; I figured that out on my own. But… maybe he meant something more… Because — I know where this phrase comes from. It is, according to my tenth-grade English teacher Ms. Parker, one of the most recognizable lines in literature, right up there with Rhett not giving a damn about Scarlett and Hamlet waffling on about whether to be or not to be. Abandon all hope is the phrase written above the gates of hell in Dante’s Inferno.
And, since books were pretty much off-limits until Elder took over as ruler of Godspeed, that’s not something Doc would have known. Of everyone on the ship, I’m probably the only one who knows about books from Earth.
Other than Orion, that is, who spent most of his life hidden in the Recorder Hall with only words and fictional characters for company.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am. These aren’t just some casual words Orion doodled somewhere. “Abandon all hope” is a specific phrase from a specific book written on a wi-com that Orion left specifically for me.
Maybe I’m reading too much into this. It’s probably nothing. But I’ve had “nothing” for far too long, and I’m ready for something. Anything. I’d rather go to the Recorder Hall and look up the phrase in Dante’s Inferno than just sit here and stare at the walls some more. I zip my jacket all the way up, leave my room, and head to the elevator. I’m excited, and my legs want to run… but instead, when I get outside, I remember how running only makes me more noticeable and walk with my head down and the hood of my jacket pulled up. As I mount the stairs to the Recorder Hall, I glance up out of habit. In a cubby by the door hangs a painting of Elder, one of Harley’s last works. This is the closest I’ve come to seeing Elder in days; the more time that passes, the more wrapped up he is in running Godspeed. In a lot of ways, he’s more trapped than I am.
Painted Elder peers out from the hall at his enclosed kingdom, and I turn, following the path of his painted eyes.
The solar lamp’s glare blinds me for a moment, and in that split second of darkness, I realize something I didn’t know before: I don’t need to see the landscape to know every inch of the Feeder Level spread out before me. I close my eyes, and I can still see the rolling fields in perfectly spaced hills. I know the precise pattern of colors of the trailers that make up the City on the far side of the ship. I know the exact point in the metal sky when the rivets holding the roof together get so far away, I can’t really see them anymore. I know the shape of each painted cloud.
I try to dig into my memories for what my house looked like in Colorado, but I can’t remember exactly. The shutters on the windows — were they more brick red or burgundy? What kind of flowers did Mom plant in the front yard?
I know Godspeed now better than I can remember Earth.
“Outta the way, freak,” a hefty woman says, shouldering past me as she leaves the Recorder Hall. I must look like even more of a freak than normal — wearing a jacket when everyone else has short sleeves, standing in the doorway of the Recorder Hall like an idiot.
A young man, slender and tall, stares at me openly as he follows the woman toward the path leading to the Hospital. I pull my hood farther down. He turns his head to look at me as he steps off the stairs, and something in his eyes makes me turn on my heel and rush into the Recorder Hall.
Godspeed has not just replaced Earth in my mind; it’s replaced my home. And it’s inhabited with people who hide dark thoughts behind staring dark eyes.
I shake my head, willing thoughts of both my old home and the man to fall from my cluttered mind. There’s no use thinking about either.
Inside the Recorder Hall is dark and quiet. There are people here, but they ignore me in a way they wouldn’t outside, where the false sunlight streams across my pale skin and the red hair peeking out from unde
r my scarf. They’re focused on the information they’re seeing and understanding for the first time. They’re not concentrating on me.
That’s why I like it here.
There are crowds of people at each of the giant digital screens hanging from the walls. Even though Elder has opened up the entire Recorder Hall to everyone on board, most Feeders stick to examining the floppies — if they come at all. Few venture into the rooms past this one, filled with books; fewer still go to the second and third floors to visit the galleries.
Here, each of the wall floppies is labeled with a different subject — History, Agriculture, and Science are the most popular ones. A crowd of nearly a dozen people peer up at a diagram of a nuclear reactor on the Science wall floppy, arguing in soft tones about some detail in the schematics.
The least popular wall floppy is Literature. Only a handful of young women are scrolling through a copy of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. They’re struggling with the language more than my classmates did in ninth grade, but I wonder if, when they do get past the thees and thous and I bite my thumb at you, sirs, will they walk away thinking that is love? I consider pausing here and telling them about the debate we had in class where I argued that Romeo and Juliet weren’t really in love. In ninth grade, I was so sure of myself I won the debate (and a prize of a free homework pass), and I remember shooting down the opposing side so passionately that the entire class was in an uproar. But now… now I can’t remember a single argument from the debate on either side, and I can think of nothing to say to these people. How can I argue that Romeo and Juliet doesn’t really show love to a group of people who have no concept of what love really is? When I don’t know what love really is — just what it isn’t.
Suddenly, all the wall floppies go black.
“Hey!” one of the girls reading Shakespeare shouts.
