by Shana Norris
He raised his eyebrows. “Were you not sitting at the same table I was?”
I rubbed my forehead with my fingers and sighed. “I know, I was just trying to make the best of the situation. I didn’t think it would be that bad.” I had expected a little awkwardness, but I hadn’t expected full on agonizing silence.
“Sorry,” Jude said.
“It’s not your fault.”
“Trust me, it is.” He started the ignition and pulled away from the diner, back onto the two lane road. We weren’t driving back toward Aunt Lydia’s neighborhood, but Jude didn’t seem to be driving anywhere in particular. I was becoming used to aimless drives with him, the windows cracked to let in the warm breeze and the grassy smell of the mountains around us.
“So what was with the weird feeling I got when I asked you about college?” I asked. “It felt like I had stepped into a war zone.”
“Oh.” Jude shrugged. “I’m not going to college.”
“Why not?”
“I’m just not.”
I stared at him in the dim light that filtered through the windows as we passed street lights and houses. “You should go to college, Jude. Make something of yourself.”
“Yeah, well, I’d need money for that, wouldn’t I?”
I bit my lip. Why didn’t I think before I spoke?
Jude sighed. “I was going to enlist in the army to get money for college. But…I didn’t.”
The way his body tensed made me bite back the questions I still had about his future plans. He obviously wasn’t in the mood to talk about it.
Jude chewed on his thumbnail as he drove and for some reason it made me think about Zac, even though he was nothing like Jude. While Jude seemed happy to sit for long periods without speaking, Zac was constantly in motion. Words tumbled out of his mouth like a waterfall and he always had to be doing something or going somewhere. It was one of the things that had first drawn me to him. I was happy to let him do all the thinking in our relationship while I followed for a change. I didn’t have to talk or put on a show like I did for everyone else, always being the center of attention. Zac moved so fast, he caught everyone up in his whirlwind.
Now I had silence. Unlike in the diner, the silence in the truck felt good. I didn’t fidget in my seat or try to think of something to say. Jude sat relaxed in his seat, his thumbnail between his teeth.
Finally, he spoke again.
“I stopped spending time around other people because of that back there,” he said. “The way they acted.”
“Do they always act weird?” I asked.
“After Liam…after he died, they all acted weird.” Jude ran a hand through his hair, blowing out a long breath. “It got to the point that I couldn’t stand it. I didn’t want to see the looks they gave me. Or hear them stop talking whenever I walked in the room. It was better to not be around them at all.”
“Are you going to avoid people forever?” I asked.
Jude shrugged. “You see how they still are. You’re the only person here who doesn’t act weird around me.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Do you want me to act weird?”
“I’d prefer you didn’t.”
“Okay,” I said. “Rule number six: No acting weird.”
Jude nodded. “That’s a good one.” He looked at the clock on his dashboard. “Too bad we’re too late for Chimney Rock. I could use a climb to the top.”
“I am not climbing that rock,” I said. “You’ll never get me to the top.”
“You don’t know what you’re missing. There’s nothing like climbing all the way up there, standing on top of that rock, with your arms stretched out.” Jude stretched his arms as far as he could inside the truck. “And then you yell out all your frustrations at the top of your lungs.”
I made a grab for the steering wheel as the truck started to veer off the road. “Yeah, sounds nice. But for now, can we keep our hands on the steering wheel and frustrations safely bottled inside?”
Jude put his hands back on the wheel, his right hand landing on top of my left. Something tingled across my skin at his touch and my eyes met his for a moment.
Then he looked back at the road and I pulled my hand away, moving back to my side of the truck.
No acting weird, I reminded myself.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
I found Ashton in Aunt Lydia’s living room two days later, sorting through a big box of old paint tubes.
“Hey,” I said, giving her an awkward wave.
She looked up at me, raising her eyebrows. “Oh. Hey.” Then she bent back over the box and rummaged through the tubes.
We hadn’t talked since the agonizing dinner. I wasn’t sure what to say. I appreciated the effort, but it was clear that no one had been comfortable that night.
I crossed the room and sat down on the edge of the couch. “So,” I said, smoothing down the wrinkles in my skirt, “was the other night a disaster, or was it just me?”
Ashton laughed, giving me a relieved look. “It wasn’t just you. It was a disaster.”
“I didn’t think it would be that bad,” I said.
She shook her head. “Neither did I. Jude has been weird ever since his brother died, but I thought maybe he’d be getting back to normal now. I guess he’s still weird.”
Something about her criticism of Jude caused annoyance to flash through me. “Well, your friends didn’t exactly help things. You guys barely even looked at him.”
Ashton’s mouth dropped open. “What are we supposed to do, Hannah? The guy pissed a lot of people off in the past year with the things he’s done and said. Did you know he used to work for Carter’s uncle? One day a bunch of money went missing from the register, and all signs pointed to Jude.”
So that was what the looks between Carter and Jude were about. “Did Jude steal it?” I asked.
Ashton shrugged. “I don’t know. He never admitted it and there was no proof that he did, but he never actually denied it either. Everyone knows he barely has any money. His mom blows all of the money she gets from Liam’s military benefits.”
“You can’t sentence him for something you can’t prove he did,” I said, crossing my arms. “He might be innocent.”
“Then why doesn’t he just say so?” Ashton asked. “He’s hidden himself away for almost a year. He didn’t stand up for himself to try to keep his job. He let all his friendships die. He’s not the same guy he used to be.”
“His brother died. Don’t you think that has a huge affect on him?”
“Of course,” Ashton said softly. “We all liked Liam, Hannah. We all mourned him. But at some point, you have to stop blaming what you do on the things that have happened to you and take responsibility for your own life.”
It was easy for her to say that. It was easy for Mark to tell me those same words, easy for him to believe it was possible to not be the person I’d been brought up to be. But actually following through was the part that was almost impossible.
“Look,” Ashton said, sighing, “it’s not that we hate Jude. I’d love for him to be the person he was again. And I think it’s good that the two of you are friends. He’s been out of the house a lot more these last few weeks than he has in the past ten months. I don’t know what exactly is going on between you two, but whatever it is, it’s good for him.”
“We’re just friends,” I told her.
Ashton examined a paint tube and then tossed it back into the box. “Fine, whatever. It’s not my place to question it. Dinner the other night was a disaster, but maybe it was too much for Jude. Maybe he’d do better in a smaller group.”
I rolled my eyes toward the ceiling. I could hear Aunt Lydia walking around up there. It sounded like she wasn’t getting much painting done today either. “I don’t know if I can convince him to go out again.”
“We could go to the Fourth of July fireworks,” Ashton said. “Very casual, no pressure to create conversation. We’ll just watch the show. Me, you, Jude, Kate…”
I raised my
eyebrows. “And Carter?” I prompted.
Ashton’s cheeks reddened. “Maybe.”
“He’s really cute,” I told her. “You need to ask him out before someone else does.”
Ashton groaned. “I know. But every time I try, I freeze up. It’s like my tongue stops working and I don’t know how to talk anymore.”
“I don’t believe you could ever stop talking,” I said, shooting her a smirk.
Ashton tossed an old paint tube at my head. “Shut up. Haven’t you ever had a guy you couldn’t speak to?”
I thought about it, but I couldn’t come up with anything. I’d had two boyfriends in my life. Zac was the most recent, and the longest relationship. Talking to him was never an issue. I could talk to anyone. The guy before that, during freshman year, was a friend I knew through math club and student council. I had never gotten tongue tied around him either.
So what exactly did it mean that I’d never felt this anxiety that Ashton felt around Carter? That I had never really liked either of those guys after all? If that was true, why had it taken me so long to realize it with Zac? I had wanted to make it work and I had held on until I couldn’t anymore, until the thought of being with him was too stifling.
“No,” I answered her. “I’ve never felt that way around a guy.”
Ashton looked like she didn’t believe me. “Tell me your secret them. I could use your confidence.”
I wanted to tell her that I wasn’t confident. That it was all a lie, a mask my parents had built over our little family. Behind the perfection, we were broken and as messed up as everyone else.
Rule #1: Don’t complicate things.
Telling her about my family would go against the rules Jude and I had made up because it was definitely too complicated to explain. I didn’t want Ashton and Kate to start acting weird around me like they did with Jude. I liked the way everything was simple between us and I wanted it to stay that way as long as possible.
“Just be the person you want to be,” I said, borrowing Mark’s advice.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
“Ashton wants us to go to the Fourth of July fireworks with her,” I said as I bounced in the passenger seat of Jude’s truck. We were on our way back from Chimney Rock, sweaty and hot. I’d gotten farther up this time, but still nowhere near the top.
“Because the last time we got together it was such a great time?” Jude asked, raising one eyebrow.
I laughed. “I know. We both agreed it was a disaster. So she thought that maybe something more casual and less intimate than dinner would be better. We could watch the fireworks and not talk if we don’t want to.”
Jude chewed on his thumbnail as he drove, his eyes focused on the road ahead.
“It’ll be a small group,” I said. “Just us and Ashton and Kate and Carter.”
He ran a hand through his hair, which he had let out of his usual ponytail. “Carter doesn’t like me much.”
“I’m sure he likes you just fine,” I said.
Jude shook his head. “Carter and I kind of got into a fight back when his uncle fired me.”
I groaned. “Really?”
“Well, I was kind of a jackass back then. I got into fights with everyone, if that makes you feel better.”
“Somehow, it doesn’t,” I told him dryly. “Did you ever apologize or anything?”
Jude shrugged. “No, not really.” He glanced over at me. “I didn’t steal the money from his uncle, you know. I don’t know who did, but it wasn’t me.”
He sounded sincere and I wanted to believe him. “It’s in the past anyway, right?” I asked.
“Right,” Jude said. He sighed. “Except that a lot of people think I did do it, and so people aren’t eager to hire me now. Can’t say that I blame them.”
Jude pulled the truck into his driveway, right behind a beat up Ford Taurus. A green and yellow striped shirt danced back and forth from the tree limb at the other end of the yard.
We sat in the truck, neither one of us making a movement to get out. The windows were rolled all the way down, letting a cool breeze waft through the cab.
“So when am I going to meet your mom?” I asked, nodding toward the car in the driveway.
Jude wrinkled his nose. “You want to meet my mom?”
I shrugged. “Sure. Why not?”
“Isn’t that…like, a relationship kind of thing? Meeting the parents and all?”
I pulled my hair back into a messy bun and held it in place with one hand so that the cool air could wash across the back of my neck. “It doesn’t have to be. It’s just me meeting your mom. Are you ashamed of her?”
“Yes,” Jude answered without hesitation. “Trust me, you don’t want to meet my mom.”
“Shouldn’t I get to decide that for myself?”
He shifted in his seat, turning toward me. “When do I get to meet your parents?”
I let my hair fall back around my shoulders and looked out the passenger window at the stack of old tires next to the house. “Forget it.”
“Are you ashamed of them?”
“Definitely,” I answered. “I’ve only brought one guy home to meet my parents and they didn’t like him much. He didn’t meet their standards.”
“I happen to be great with parents,” Jude said.
I rolled my eyes. “I’m sure.”
“No, seriously. I turn on the charm and moms love me. Like this.” He reached over and grabbed my hand. “Hello, ma’am. You look lovely today. I can see where your daughter gets her beauty.” He pressed his lips to the back of my hand, his gray eyes locked on mine.
The heat felt even more sweltering all of a sudden. I laughed nervously, breaking eye contact with Jude. “Smooth. But trust me, it wouldn’t be enough for my mother.”
Jude dropped my hand and I immediately felt the absence of his touch. I squeezed my hand between my knees to keep it from trembling.
“So what was wrong with the guy you brought home?” Jude asked. “Hell’s Angel? Parolee?”
“No, he was a normal guy. A little disorganized and clumsy. Very hyper.” I shook my head. “He just wasn’t Mom-approved. She thinks any boyfriend of mine should be wealthy, successful, Harvard-bound. Really uptight.”
“And what type of guy do you like?” Jude asked.
I glanced at him, narrowing my eyes. “Why do you want to know?”
He picked at a crack in the vinyl of the steering wheel. “Making conversation. That’s how it works. I say something, you say something, I say something again.” He flicked a piece of the vinyl he had torn off at me. “So? Answer the question.”
Heat crept up my neck. “I don’t know. I’ve never really thought about it. What kind of girl do you like?”
“Tall, willowy, blonde, and dumb as a rock.” Jude grinned, winking at me.
I punched his shoulder lightly. “She’d have to be an idiot to go out with you.”
He caught my hand, his fingers wrapping around my wrist. “Or maybe I prefer a girl who knows what she wants in life, is much smarter than I could ever hope to be, and isn’t afraid to call me out on my shit.”
He didn’t let go of my arm and I didn’t pull away. Something changed inside the truck during that moment, something I had never felt before and couldn’t explain. I didn’t want him to let go, like maybe Jude was the only thing holding me down on earth right then. For the first time, I felt like maybe I could lose myself and it would be okay.
A passing car backfired and we both jumped. Jude let go of my arm and I pulled back, scooting to the far side of the seat as close to the door as I could get.
“I should go,” I said, fumbling for the door latch.
“I’ll drive you home,” Jude said.
I stumbled out of the truck, slamming the door behind me. “No, it’s okay. I’ll walk. It’s not that far.”
He opened his mouth, looking at me like he wanted to say something. But I turned quickly. I couldn’t let him say it. I couldn’t let this summer become even more complicated
than it already was. I wasn’t the kind of girl Jude wanted or thought I was. I didn’t even know exactly who I was anymore.
#
It had started to rain by the time I reached Aunt Lydia’s house. Thunder rumbled over the valley, the shadows of clouds darkening the sides of the mountains around the little neighborhood. A bolt of lightning streaked across the sky just as I stepped through the front door.
“There you are,” Aunt Lydia said as she came out of the kitchen. “I was getting worried you were still up on Chimney Rock with this storm coming.” She spotted my wet hair and clothes. “You’re soaked. Did you walk home?”
I nodded, my teeth chattering a little. The air conditioning in the house made goosebumps prickle all along my arms. “Just from Jude’s. Not that far.”
“That’s far enough,” Aunt Lydia said as she pushed me down the hall toward the bathroom. She grabbed a handful of towels from the linen closet and began wrapping me up, rubbing my arms through the cloth. “What was he thinking, letting you walk home in this storm? He knows how these mountain storms are. You could have been struck by lightning. I know the boy has problems, but I would have thought he’d at least have some common sense.”
“It wasn’t his fault,” I said through gritted teeth while Aunt Lydia continued to fuss over me like I was a child. “He offered to drive me, but I decided to walk.”
Aunt Lydia stopped and stepped back, looking at me with a frown creasing the skin between her eyebrows. “Why? Did something happen? Hannah, if that boy hurt you in any way or did something you didn’t want him to do—”
“Why do you immediately jump to the conclusion that this is Jude’s fault?” I exclaimed, pushing Aunt Lydia’s hands away from me. “Why does everyone always think the worst of him?”
Aunt Lydia’s eyes widened at my outburst, but she said calmly, “Hannah, Jude Westmore has gotten himself into a lot of trouble over the past year. He’s made a lot of people angry and hurt others.”
“So because he does something at one time, that’s supposed to define who he is for the rest of his life?” I asked. “People change, Aunt Lydia. People grow up and make different decisions for themselves.” I pushed the towels off my shoulders and said, “But I guess you wouldn’t know about that. Instead of sticking around to see the changes, you decide to run off and hide from everything.”
