"Your...name?"
"I'm detective Harris for when you are around all these guys, but you can call me Trish."
"Thank …you."
After what felt like hours, a driver got in the police car along with detective Harris. I had fallen asleep until the door opened, bringing me right back to the worst day of my life.
A few things were going on over the scanner but I didn't listen. I wanted to crawl into bed, fall asleep and never wake up.
"Where would you like us to take you Kate? Were you staying with Mr. Eaton?"
I hated the fact that they used his last name, but if they called him Ryan I probably wouldn't have liked they either. Regardless, there was no way I could go back to his house. I didn't even have any keys to get in. Knowing no one else in the area to go see, I was forced between a hotel and the airport.
"The... airport… please."
"What did she say? I can't understand a word she has said."
"She said the airport, asshole." Trish looked back at me and said, "You didn't hear me say that."
I didn't say anything until we were parked outside of the terminal.
"Can… I… have… my… purse… please?"
"Yeah honey, but are you sure you want to leave like this? Chief wanted to meet you. He said he has heard a lot about you over the years. They are having a really hard time right now but that might be just what you need, someone who is hurting as bad as you."
"No, thank you."
It was the first time I didn’t stutter and all I could say. I couldn't face them and tell them I took part in Ryan's death. I couldn't even face the fact he was gone from me forever.
I was let out from the back of the squad car. Trish handed me my purse, then pulled me into a hug and squeezed me hard. When she pulled back, she looked for my eyes until I gave them to her and said, "If you need anything at all call me. Here is my card. I have your number from the paperwork and I promise, we not only will catch him but he will suffer greatly for what he took today."
My tears fell at a rate that my hands couldn't keep up with.
"Thank you."
I walked away from Trish and South Carolina half the person who landed there twenty-four hours prior.
CHAPTER 25
I slept the entire flight back. Even though I had parked my car at the airport, I chose to take a cab to my house. I paid the driver, went inside and slept for four days. Don't get me wrong, I would wake up, but only long enough to look at the clock and then realize I had no reason to stay awake.
I never called anyone. I'm sure they hate me for that, but there wasn't a person who could hate me more than me. My phone hadn't rang, so the only safe assumption was that it had died also.
It was day five when I heard a banging on my front door. I never got up to get it and it never stopped. I closed my eyes; trying to fall back asleep but the noise wouldn't let me. All of the sudden there was a crash, and then I heard Kara screaming my name. She was crying, I could tell and my guilt went through the roof. I pulled the covers over my head and wanted her to just leave.
"Chad, she's in here."
The covers were ripped off of me and then, "Oh my God!"
I never turned to look at her, I refused.
She crawled into my bed and wrapped her arms around me, while she cried into my back. I wanted to join her, but I had no more tears left to shed. The sorrow I felt for robbing them of their best friend too was overwhelming.
I heard footsteps and knew that Chad had walked in. I may have forgotten to tell you I was naked. When I got back, I couldn’t stand to be in the clothes I had on, so I stripped and never bothered to get dressed into something else. What would be the point? Kara covered me for the most part and said, "Chad can you give us a minute?"
"Sure, I will be right out here."
Kara pulled away and then sat up to look down at me. I waited for the persecution. It didn't come.
"I love you; do you have any idea how much?"
I couldn't say anything.
"Kate, have you had anything to eat or even drink?"
I didn't want to hear about this either.
"Honey, you can't kill yourself over this and that is exactly what you are doing."
I just wanted her to go away. I wanted everyone to leave me alone.
"Kate! Talk to me! You can't do this. We lost Ryan, I can't lose you too."
I didn't even move. It wasn't by choice. Part of me wanted to throw my arms around her and cry until it all felt like it was going to be okay but I knew better, nothing was going to be okay ever again.
"You are wasting away Kate. I bet you have dropped ten pounds already. Look at you."
She rolled me on my back, very easily I might add, being she was right. I hadn't eaten or drank since breakfast with Ryan.
"What the fuck is that?"
I couldn't open my eyes but it didn't matter anyway.
"Kate you are starting to look like the Ethiopian babies with their swollen bellies from malnutrition. You need to eat. Chad, bring me something for Kate to drink."
She tried to sit me up but I couldn't stay there with no energy. I fell back over and curled in to a ball.
"That's it! I'm calling Maria. This is so much worse than I ever thought."
I wanted to scream, “Not my mother” but that wasn't happening either.
Kara got up from the bed and walked into the other room, talking on the phone. I grabbed onto my pillow and started to fall back asleep when Chad sat down on my bed. One hand pulled the covers back over me, while the other ran over my hair, brushing it off my face.
"I miss him too, we all do, but you need to know that he never would have blamed you, Kate. He loved you more than anything. When he called me to tell me you were went out to see him and were asleep in HIS house, I could hear his smile, if that makes sense. You going out there was the only thing that let him get past his guilt about you. Ryan has always wanted you to be happy Kate, that's why you can't do this to yourself. He would be so mad at you."
Chad was right; Ryan would be so pissed if he knew how I had been treating myself. But he never would or will, because he's gone.
"Maria and Michael are on their way. She never even told them she left to go out there!"
"Kara, you can't be mad at her. We have no idea what she went through. Right now all we need to be doing is making sure she gets help."
"Don't make me feel guilty, Chad. I'm not mad, I’m scared to death. Look at her! She is skin and bones! Fuck, she can't even sit up!"
They were acting as if I wasn't even in the room to hear them. I wanted them to just leave but I didn't have the energy to tell them myself.
Kara came around the bed and lay down with me again, holding me and saying, "I'm not going to let you die, too," as she pet my head.
I must have fallen back asleep because the sound of my parents and Chad talking woke me.
"She was there when he was shot. The police caught the guy who did it and Ryan's dad is making sure he goes in for life without parole."
"How did none of you know she has been here this whole time?"
"Ryan called me the first night she got there and said she was staying the whole week. We got the call this morning about the funeral. That's when it all started. The detective that handled the case said she dropped Kate off at the airport the same day. I promise you guys we did everything we could to find her."
"You didn't call us!"
"And I'm sorry for that, Michael. Finding out your best friend was killed doesn't make you see things too clearly."
"I'm sorry, son. I should never have said that. I don't blame you, I'm just worried about my own child right now."
Kara was still in bed with me and then I felt my mother. Her weight pressed into the mattress and then her hand touched my cheek.
"My baby girl. My poor baby girl. I’m here now and you don't have to do this alone anymore."
I fell back asleep only to be woken again by a lot of voices and then I was being pick
ed up and laid back down again on a stretcher. The memory of Ryan being pushed into the back of the ambulance came crashing down on me and I wanted to get off. I wanted to tell them all that I was fine and to go away. Nothing happened. It was as if I was trapped inside myself.
The next time I woke up, I was in the emergency room and had several tubes running out of me through the IV needles in my hands. I just closed my eyes and prayed for sleep, God answered.
I woke up again, but this time I heard voices next to me. My parents and Ash were talking about Ryan's funeral. Apparently I was missing it. How could I not be there? I should have been there! I closed my eyes once more but for the first time in days, I felt a tear slide down my cheek.
"Don't do this Ash, I need to see her!"
"I think you need to leave and let her get better. I'm not risking anything, do you understand me? She almost died!"
"Please Ash, I love her more than you could ever know."
"What I know is you left her. That's what I know! Tony, you are one of my best friends but I'm only going to say this one more time. Leave."
Hearing Tony's voice had me opening my eyes and searching the space for him. Finally, I saw him outside the door and when his eyes found mine, all hell broke loose.
"Get out of my way."
Tony pushed Asher to the side and was next to me in seconds. Ash came barreling in screaming at Tony, but I don't think he paid attention or cared. He never once looked away from me. It felt like forever before he reached up and brushed my hair behind my ear and said, "I'm never letting you go again. Never."
I didn't have the energy to fight with him. I closed my eyes and fell back to sleep.
When I woke up again, Tony was still there. He had pulled a chair over and had his head lying on the bed, this time he was asleep. I couldn't look away. As much as he hurt me, I still loved him.
Rustling in the corner caught my attention, when I noticed my mother had been asleep as well.
"How long have you known?"
I didn't know if she was talking in her sleep or if she wanted me to respond. Her eyes were still closed. So, I closed my own eyes when she said, "Kate, how long have you known?"
This time I knew she was awake. I opened my eyes and looked at her, wondering what she could be talking about. For the first time in days, I opened my mouth to speak. The sound was atrocious but she would be able to decipher it.
"About what?"
She got up from her chair and came to stand next to me. She looked so sad and tired. I guess any mother would be if their child was like me. She studied me as she always does and then said, "You don't know!"
Now I was upset. What don't I know? I couldn't handle any more surprises.
"Know what?"
"I'm going to go talk to the doctors for a second honey, I will be right back."
My arm grabbed hers. It was the first time my body moved when I wanted it to in so long.
"Tell me, Mom."
"I'm not sure I should. Let me ask the doctor and I promise I will be right back."
"No. What happened?"
"Nothing happened, Katherine. Thank God nothing bad happened."
I wanted to scream at her that plenty of bad had happened but something was different with her. She was obviously torn.
"Mom, tell me."
"Just go back to sleep baby and we will talk about this in the morning."
She looked down at Tony and said, "He hasn't left your side."
I looked over at him and couldn't believe he never left. Why? What changed his mind? Nothing had changed mine. I may love him but he was not forgiven.
"I missed Ryan's funeral."
"Yeah baby you did. I'm sorry about that. But had we not found you when we did, we would be planning your own right now. You scared us all very much."
I had nothing other to say than, "I'm sorry."
"Don't you worry about that. Now get some sleep. You need to build back your strength. Somebody is going to need you."
What was she talking about? Tony didn't need me or he never would have thrown me away.
"Goodnight, Mom."
"Goodnight, sweet child of mine."
The next morning when I woke, the room was empty. She was right though, my energy was coming back. They had been giving me fluids and forcing me to eat when I could. I was finally starting to feel better and the better I felt, the more I wanted to get out of the hospital.
Tony walked in looking worse than I have ever seen him, which still ranked him higher than any other man on the planet.
"Hey there. It’s good to see you awake."
"Hi."
He came over to my side and sat on the bed next to me. His hand found my leg and started rubbing it back and forth. I wasn't sure if he was doing this to soothe me or his own nerves. He looked back up to me and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss."
It was all I could do to hold back the tears and not break down in his arms.
"Thank you."
"Is there anything I can get for you?"
"No, thank you, I'm okay for now."
Neither of us knew what to say next. I wanted to ask him what was at the end of that message that got cut off, but I wasn't sure I wanted the answer. Then I thought about the last thing Ryan said to me, "Talk to him, get your answers" and I knew he was right. Life is too short.
"What did you want to tell me?"
He didn't answer right away. He looked back down at the leg he was rubbing, avoiding my eyes. Eventually, he brought his face back up to mine and said, "I never should have let you go."
"I already knew that."
"So did I. I just didn't want you to..."
"To what?"
"I can't say it. After everything you have been through, I just can't."
"Yes, you can. You didn't want me to what?"
I was trying to be patient and let him tell me at his own pace, but I was also still so angry, that holding myself back was becoming more and more difficult.
"I got a call on the day after your gala from my Oncologist. He said my routine blood work came back and my white blood cell count was low. He needed me to come in on Monday morning to draw more blood for more testing. I did what he said, but I was sure at that point my cancer was back."
I didn't see this coming. I had no idea what had changed his mind but I never thought for a second about his cancer. Ryan was right; he was keeping something big from me.
"Why didn't you tell me? I would have been there for you."
"I didn't want you to have to. What kind of person can say, ‘I don't want to deal with this anymore’ and leave? It would have been like asking you to..."
It hit me what he was trying to say but couldn't and I understood why.
"Watch you die?"
He looked down at the floor again and replied, "Yeah."
"So instead you broke my heart and spit on me once I was down."
"Kate, I never wanted to hurt you."
"Bullshit! You knew how bad you were hurting me and yet you kept the blows coming."
"I needed you to hate me! It was the only way I knew you wouldn't keep fighting for an US that could never be."
That's when I remembered the words he chose to use. He never said he didn't want to be with me. He said he couldn't. “I can't have a future with you and there is no point in fighting for what we had without one.” He really believed he was dying. Was he still?
"What happened with the cancer?"
"A lot of tests and another round of chemo was scheduled, but in the end, I was fine. I didn't need the chemo and all my levels have stayed up since."
"That's good to hear."
Back to the awkward silence. I'm sure you want me to grab him and say all is forgiven, well it’s not.
"Kate, I need to know that I can have one more chance. I promise I will do whatever it takes to win your heart again and this time I'm never letting you go."
"No."
His face was filled with shock. He looked at me and knew I was s
erious.
"I missed it, didn't I?"
"Yes, you did. It's been months. You can't just show back up and expect me to just run to you, telling you that it's okay that you hurt me, because it’s not."
"I know it's not. But whether you give me a chance now or I spend the rest of my life trying to earn back another one, I will do it. I will love you and only you, forever."
He leaned down and kissed my forehead and then walked out the door. Two seconds later he walked back in, over to my bedside and said, "Hi, my name is Tony. I don't think I have ever seen a woman so beautiful in a hospital bed before. I was just walking by and couldn't help myself, I had to come in here and get your name."
What was he doing? And I thought I was the one with issues.
"Come on, you have to tell me." The way he was looking at me, melted some of the ice that had grown over my heart.
"Kate."
I couldn't believe I was answering him. What was wrong with me?
"What a beautiful name, it fits you."
"Thank you."
"Well Kate, I need to get going, but would you mind if I came back later this afternoon, after I take care of a few things at work and spend some time with you?"
"No, I don't mind."
"That's great to hear. I will see you soon. Don't forget, my name is Tony, okay?"
"I won't forget."
He leaned down and kissed my forehead again and then whispered, "I love you" against it. He stood back up, winked at me and then was out the door again, this time he didn't come back.
My parents and brother showed up a little while later. Walking through the door, Ash took one look at me and ran to my bed, crawling up beside me.
"You scared me to death."
"I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking about anyone but myself and it was wrong of me."
"We all understand, Kate. You went through something more horrifying than we can even imagine. Remember though, Ryan was a like a brother to me too. We all feel his loss."
I knew he was right. Ash had always looked up to Ryan. I'm sure this hurt him just as much as it did me.
"All I can say is how sorry I am for scaring you like I did. I just wasn't thinking right."
"We know."
"Katherine, there are going to be a few doctors coming in to ask you some questions. Don't worry. Just answer them honestly. It's the fastest way to get you out of here and home where you belong."
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