by Anna Machin
But using the transcripts of numerous interviews with fathers that explored the dad–baby bond, John was able to come up with a uniquely dad-focused definition of this crucial connection, based on three distinct areas of emotion and behaviour. These were patience and tolerance, pleasure in interaction, and affection and pride. He found that if, as a dad, you are securely attached to your baby, you won’t report significant boredom or irritability – though have no doubt, it will have been there – you will experience pleasure and satisfaction and a sense of competency, and describe a background feeling of warmth and pride when interacting with your children. The extent to which you perform these behaviours or experience these emotions will change between the baby’s sixth month and first birthday. At six months, being a tolerant dad appears to be more important than experiencing pleasure – the survival approach – but this pattern is reversed at twelve months, mirroring the change in fathering experience that both I and other researchers have observed in the fathers we study. As your baby develops and becomes more and more involved in life, so the need for tolerance subsides and the pleasure of play and two-way communication comes to the fore. Being a dad starts to become truly enjoyable.
The ability of a father to attach securely to his child is decided, in part, during the dad’s own early childhood. As I have mentioned in earlier chapters, the bond a baby builds with his parents occurs at the same time as areas of the brain critical to social behaviours are forming, and much of what a man knows about fathering, consciously and unconsciously, he inherits or learns from his parents. As a consequence, dysfunctional parenting relationships and behaviours can cross generations. But there is hope for those fathers who wish to choose a different parenting path to that of their own parents. As our knowledge of the unique post-birth father–infant attachment grows, we are identifying more and more factors that affect the success or otherwise of this relationship. We have found that dads seem to be strongly affected by their immediate environment, in particular the nature of their relationship; the support for their role from their partner and the health of their relationship with him or her both have a profound effect on how well he attaches to his child. In addition, his mental health, the temperament of his baby – angelic, boisterous or fussy – and his general sense of competency as a parent may also be highly significant factors.
In a recent study, a team from Monash University in Melbourne, Australia, tried to tease apart these factors to see if one had a greater influence than any other on the strength of the bond between father and baby. Led by developmental psychologist Karen Wynter, it measured the strength of attachment between dad and baby at four weeks and six months after birth. At the same time, they asked the 270 fathers to complete a barrage of questionnaires related to their mental health, the extent to which they had a vulnerable personality, the characteristics of their child and the health of their relationship with, and the support they received from, their partner. What they found was that dads who had the weakest attachments to their children were more likely to suffer from mental ill health, have more vulnerable personalities – that is lacked assertiveness and were oversensitive to criticism – and were on the receiving end of less support and more criticism of their fathering from their partner. So, it would appear that a number of factors do play a role in how well a man can bond to his child, both external and internal. But one of the long-held assumptions regarding parent–infant bonding wasn’t supported – that difficult children are harder to bond with. The nature of the child’s temperament had no influence on how well the father developed his bond with him or her. Indeed, as we explored in the last chapter, some fathers – those with agreeable and open personalities most notably – may thrive on the opportunity to bond with a more challenging child.
The issues of identity that I explored in Chapter Three also appear to have a powerful influence on the strength of bond between father and child. In their 2010 study of expectant first-time fathers, Cherine Habib and Sandra Lancaster found that fathers who felt that being an equal caregiver to their child was a key aspect of their new identity went on to exhibit stronger attachment to their newborn than those who prioritized a role as helper – the classic ‘secondary parent’ – or breadwinner. What is key for those of us who work with fathers is that many of these studies focus on the prenatal or very early post-birth period, meaning that, as I have already said in Chapter Three, we can predict which fathers may struggle to form the vital attachment to their child before their baby is born or very soon after. Once identified, these dads and their partners can be offered support and guidance to help them to develop a healthier environment – work that focuses on building a supportive relationship with their partner, assessing their mental health and teaching practical skills to underpin their sense of competency as a dad. And, of course, helping them to understand that at the very root of the relationship between a father and his baby are those very basic human behaviours of touch and laughter, talking and singing. So, it is about freeing the father to get in touch with his inner child and to relate to his baby on his or her level.
While it is clearly the case that both mum and dad form deep attachment relationships with their children, it is still the case that in many traditional Western families the mother forms the primary attachment figure for the child, largely as a consequence of the father’s need to earn money away from the home. However, in some cases, even with the restrictions on contact time that work imposes, fathers can and do act as the primary attachment figure for their children.
In their 2010 study of child-to-father attachment, Todd Goodsell and Jaren Meldrum of the University of Utah, in the US, used interviews with expectant mothers to explore their relationships with their fathers. They focused on four mothers in particular, who had secure attachments to their fathers but insecure attachments to their own mothers. They wanted to explore the circumstances of the family structure that led to this phenomenon and the skills and inputs that the father brought to their relationship. In all cases, mum was around and both mum and dad were employed part- or full-time, so the attachment between father and child could not be the consequence of a primary caretaking father.
What they found was that these fathers, rather like our primary caretaking gay dads, fulfilled the range of required roles – nurturer, caretaker, wage-earner, playmate and teacher – to ensure that, in the absence of a healthy attachment between mother and daughter, all the developmental and survival bases were covered. Among the group of dads they heard about, Todd and Jaren point to ‘examples of versatile dads’ who act
as the primary supporter at cheerleading meets and community activities; as the source of counsel in dating and courtship; as the more ‘caring’ and ‘sympathetic’ parent; as the one more prone to give hugs, verbal affection and encouragement; as the moral and academic teacher; as the listener; and even handling such situations as his daughter’s first menstruation.
Even during that most male of dad-instigated activities, rough and tumble play, daughters reported that their fathers used sessions to offer advice, voice their opinions and even to teach. These fathers were able to build this attachment to their children despite being at work for the majority of the day, showing us that proximity is not the most important factor when building a relationship with your child. Reassuring news for those of us who juggle work and home life against a constant, low-level noise of guilt.
But why were these dads so prominent in their children’s lives? In some cases, they were compensating for a mother who could not or would not show affection to her children. In others, perhaps there was a clash of personalities between mother and child, or the child perceived that their mother was not sufficiently nurturing, causing the child to focus on their father, to whom they may have greater affinity in personality and outlook. But what this study shows us is that the attachment between father and child is as deep, profound and multifaceted as that between mother and child. It is an essential source of both care and affection but also, critically, the
practical, emotional and experiential knowledge that will form the strong foundation for a successful life.
* * *
I started this chapter with rough and tumble play, and it is with rough and tumble play we end. For it is in this form of play that we see the key survival-related function of father–child attachment. Play is fun – the shrieks of laughter and ebullient energy are testament to this. But play can also be scary – it requires a fine understanding of the other person’s intentions and limits, and a high level of trust. In this, it is much the same as the new friendship or acquaintance. We are tempted by the potential for enjoyment and intimacy – and that all-important endorphin hit – but we are fearful of rejection and emotional pain. In playing with their children, Western fathers are not only cementing their bond but doing something that is equally vital to their survival. They are preparing them for life in our rough, tough social world. Humans need to cooperate with each other to survive – to raise our children, to learn the skills to ultimately be financially independent and to ensure we have the basic resources for life: food, water and shelter. Rough and tumble play enables the child to explore the skills required for this world from a secure base – they can always return to dad for a reassuring hug. I will talk more about this role when we consider the role of the father as teacher in Chapter Nine and in child development in Chapter Ten but, as we know from John Condon’s work, researchers are increasingly aware that the nature of the attachment between father and child is categorically different to that between mother and child. Karin and Klaus Grossmann have suggested that while the mother–child attachment is characterized by security in the relationship, based on affectionate care and nurturing, the father-to-infant attachment is characterized by a secure relationship and secure exploration. Indeed, developmental psychologist Daniel Paquette from the University of Montreal, Canada, conceives of the relationship between father and child as being one of activation rather than attachment. He argues that this close bond allows the child to have the confidence to explore unusual environments, to use their initiative and take risks, to be self-sufficient and confident in the presence of strangers. The father–child relationship is the source of individuality and autonomy and, ultimately, success.
And this striking difference in attachments is reflected in the way we explore how a child relates to his or her attachment figure. When we want to understand the relationship between a baby and its mother, there is no use getting the clipboard out and delivering a questionnaire – that way lies an entertained baby but a lot of ripped paper and a chewed pen. We use a behavioural scenario instead. It is called The Strange Situation and was first created by developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth in the 1970s. It uses a sequence of interactions between the baby, its mother and a stranger (usually a researcher) to explore how well the child is attached to their mother. By observing how the child interacts with the stranger, both accompanied and unaccompanied by their mother, and how they behave when reunited with their mother following a period of separation, the extent to which the child is securely attached can be assessed. But those of us who work with fathers recognized that, while of course fathers nurture their children, the fact that few are the primary carer and that the nature of interaction between dads and their children is different, this scenario was not able to capture the unique bond between dad and child from the child’s perspective. What the child looked for from their relationship with their dad was different. So, Daniel Paquette and his colleague Marc Bigras developed The Risky Situation – there’s a clue about its focus in the title. In this scenario the child, usually aged between twelve and eighteen months, is presented with two apparently challenging situations. A social risk – as represented by a stranger – and a physical risk – a set of stairs. And the way in which a child interacts with the stranger and the stairs gives us a strong indication of the nature of their attachment to their dad.
The classification of a child’s attachment to their parent produces three distinct categories of attachment behaviour – secure, anxious or ambivalent, and avoidant. Secure children are confident in the relationship they have with their carer, are able to be soothed by them and, while distressed on separation, they are capable of self-soothing because they feel safe in the knowledge that if their carer leaves they will return. Anxious children worry that their carer will leave them and, as such, find it difficult to be separated from them and are nervous of taking risks. Avoidant children are very independent emotionally and physically from their carer. They display no expectation that the carer will help or soothe them and show no distress on separation from them. Often, they will be seen to take quite extreme physical risks.
In Daniel and Marc’s test, children who are securely attached will explore the environment and interact with the stranger confidently but with a sensible level of risk and will obey any rules their father has set them. In contrast, those who are anxiously attached will remain in close physical proximity to their dad and not explore either the stranger or the stairs. Avoidant children are reckless in their exploration of both stranger and stairs and don’t obey the rules their father has set them. By understanding the very different bond between father and child, Paquette and Bigras were able to develop a scenario that encompassed this vital and complex relationship in one easy test.
At the academic level, we know that the bond between father and baby is fundamental to the child’s development, the healthy functioning of the family and the stability of society. But at the personal level, it is about the profound, reciprocated love between parent and child. For expectant fathers, it lies at the very centre of their daydreams about their life with their future child and for that reason alone, it requires our attention. If you are an expectant or new dad, then remember this: there is no right way to feel when your baby is born or when you first meet your adopted child, and while some dads may feel a rush of profound and deep love, for the majority, like Adrian, who has shared his story, this is not their experience.
Funnily enough, all the way through it was always like, ‘Adrian will be the naturally bonded one. He’ll be the one who takes the time off, because he is child-friendly and he is the nurturer.’ But actually, when it got to going to meet [our daughter] for the first time, Noah was the cool one who got down and played with her, and I just sat on the sofa, a bit freaked out by it.
Adrian, dad to Judy (seven)
Adrian’s experience will be very familiar to many dads. But I can reassure you that Adrian went on to develop a strong and secure attachment to Judy. Meeting your baby or child can be a stressful and slightly alienating time, as you come to terms with this new being who has come into your family and fundamentally rewritten its structure and operation. We know now that the bond will take time and in all likelihood will not truly begin to develop until you are able to have two-way interactions with your child, to really get to know their personality and for them to get to know yours. But there are many ways you can help this special bond grow – carving out special one-on-one time, making a caretaking activity exclusively yours, ensuring that laughter and touch lie at the centre of your interactions, and dusting off your best play moves. Try to be comfortable with the pace. It will come. And remember the bond your partner develops with your child – mum or fellow father – will be different to yours because you are different people and you may have different roles. Try not to compare yourself or compete. There is no gold standard. What a child ultimately needs is a secure attachment with their dad to enable them to feel safe venturing out into the world and experiencing life – the good bits and the bad bits – with the toolkit that you will have furnished them with and secure in the knowledge that you are there, their rock, to whom they will always be able to return for care and reassurance.
CHAPTER EIGHT
And Two Become Three (or Four, or Five . . .)
Parents’ Roles and Relationships
A mum and a dad sit beside each other on a sofa, eyes glued to their television screen. On the screen is a vi
deo of a child, a little girl, their daughter. She is playing in a garden on a warm, sunny day. As the parents watch the screen, their faces are animated with emotion. The little girl is in her own world of imaginary play. They share a knowing look and a smile as they watch their child run and laugh with abandon. A glimmer of concern and anxiety flickers across the mother’s face as her child navigates the rope net on the climbing frame, her grip on the ropes slipping suddenly, while the father’s face glows with pride as he observes his child’s athleticism and bravery. Their child’s hysterical laughter as she chases a harassed-looking pigeon across the lawn leads to a similar burst of laughter from her parents as they are taken up in her moment of joy. This is a scene repeated in homes across the land and we could argue that the reactions we see, split as they are along sex lines, are wholly typical.
