When he asks, “What’s happened? What’s up with Beef?” I listen avidly.
Someone, I don’t know who, answers from within. “He’s bad, Prez. Went downhill suddenly. He’s got to go to the hospital. Doc’s got a bus on its way.”
Scared for Beef, I move closer, now able to see that Drummer’s normally forceful steel eyes have lost their intensity and appear hooded as he continues to look inside the room.
Knowing they hadn’t wanted anything about the shooting to become public, I immediately comprehend how serious it is. It must be their last resort to give in and take him somewhere the authorities could be alerted. When the medics arrive I stand back, giving them space to work. Hearing the worry in their voices as I listen to their conversations. Watching until Beef is stretchered out and taken away. Automatically I start to follow, Drummer holds me back.
“I want to go with him. Please.” I’d pinned so much on seeing Rock again. Now, Beef, the man who’d stayed glued to my side to protect me, who held and comforted me only the night before last, feels my only friend. I can’t stand to be parted from him. The support he’d given me makes it seem I’m watching my lifeline be taken away.
Squeezing my arm, Drummer shakes his head. “Not yet, sweetheart. They need to settle him. Wraith’s going with him.”
Though neither man knew it, I’d been dividing my time between an unconscious Beef and equally out of it Rock. Now I’m at a loss to know what to do. I wish someone would tell me. Thinking for myself isn’t as easy as others make it look.
“As soon as I know more I’ll tell you. Beef took a liking to you, didn’t he?”
Maybe Beef, too, wouldn’t want to see me. He was kind to me for one reason. Because he mistakenly thought I was his friend’s woman. That, Rock’s made quite clear I’m definitely not.
“If you want to visit him I’ll get someone to take you once we know the score. He’s strong, Becca. Beef will pull through.” Patting my shoulder, Drummer walks the short way up the corridor, disappearing back into the room where I’d find no welcome. Rock’s.
Tears fall again. I feel like I’ve lost the only two men I’ve ever become close to today. One doesn’t want me, the other might be dying, or already dead for all I know. The empty feeling inside reminds me I’m alone.
I’ve been stupid, thinking there was a connection between me and Rock. I couldn’t wait for Rock to come back to his true home, to get to know him under the right circumstances, to have a chance to analyse what this strange emotion I feel for him might mean. Did I just hang onto a dream as he’d been the first man to offer me kindness? I must have read into things…something that wasn’t there. Rock would have done the same for anyone, it’s who he is. He didn’t get me out of that cellar because he particularly liked me. From his reaction just now, he seems to hate me.
Trying to dry my tears, convincing myself Drummer will tell me any news about Beef as soon as he had some to share, I make my feet walk into the clubroom, and see Darcy. She’s taller than me, with red hair, a definite pregnancy showing. She’s standing up to Peg. I hover in the entrance, unashamedly watching curiously as she pokes him hard in the chest. “You promised me, Peg. You fucking promised me.”
“We didn’t have a choice, sweetheart.” Peg looks tired. “There’ll be no blowback on us. I promise you that, Flash.”
“I’m not stupid.” Darcy swings around, indicating Sam, Sophie, and Ella, who are avidly observing the conversation. A reason why I feel I have permission to eavesdrop. “And neither are they,” she continues. “Something went down, Peg. You can’t hide two injured men. I don’t know what happened to Rock, but Beef was shot. Shot! You told me you were out of that business.”
“I told you we earned our money clean, and we do.” Peg’s eyes have gone cold. I get the impression he doesn’t like the challenge, or not publicly. “But when there’s a threat to the club we sort it out our own way. That’s all you’ll get from me, darlin’. Anything else is club business.” He nods at the women sitting around the table. “As you all know full well.”
“Plausible bloody deniability.” Sophie doesn’t seem much happier than Darcy, but she sounds more resigned.
“Too fuckin’ right,” agrees Peg.
I hesitate about entering the room. Tears once again prick at the back of my eyes, wondering how they’re going to treat me now I have no place here. Drummer allowed me to stay as a favour to Rock. Perhaps he’ll want me to go now.
I feel foolish and lost. Part of me doesn’t want to mingle with the old ladies as I realise I’d had foolish hopes of joining their number. Of being important to someone.
I hate this situation. Hate myself. I don’t belong here, but where else could I go? And how can I leave? I don’t even own the clothes on my back. Turning, I bang my fist against the wall in frustration.
An office door opens behind me, and a man I haven’t been introduced to before, but who I’d seen in that meeting emerges.
“Becca?”
I swing around, memories of my unpleasant interaction with Petty and Roller slamming into me. Who am I now that I haven’t got Beef’s protection, nor, it seems, will ever again be referred to as Rock’s woman. All my insecurities slam back into me as, warily, I nod.
The tall man with long straight hair and Native American facial features holds out his hand. “Mouse. I’m the go-to computer guy around here. We’ve not been properly introduced.”
This is the man Drummer had told me would dig to find details about Hawk. Some of the tension seeps away as I return his handshake.
“If you’ve got a minute, Prez has asked me to do some investigating on your behalf. Find out what you’re up against.”
My concerns about Rock, my fear of returning to that cellar, had put my husband right out of my mind. Rock made it clear he doesn’t want me around. Even if he comes to tolerate my presence and I’m not thrown out, I’ll find it hard to stay with the Satan’s Devils. I need to start thinking about a new future now. The sooner I’m armed with information the sooner I can be away. I need to know how far Hawk’s reach is before I can make any plans. Plans. Has God a new plan for me?
Wiping away my tears, I reply, “I’ve nothing else to do.” Except worry about Beef or mope about Rock. I’d rather not be alone.
“Hey, I know you’re worried about Beef. But, darlin’, he’ll be fine. I’m certain.” Mouse’s eyes soften as he watches my action. “Come in and let’s discuss your situation. Take your mind off everything that’s happening. Unless you’d rather be with Rock?”
As I quickly shake my head but offer no explanation—he’ll find out where I stand with Rock soon enough—Mouse steps aside, holding open the door. Walking inside I’m immediately greeted by a strong aroma of marijuana, and smoke rises from a joint still burning in the ashtray. The desk top is covered in monitors, with more behind on the wall, and there are several keyboards dotted around as well as an open laptop.
Mouse waves me to a seat in front of the desk, then takes his chair behind it. He looks at me searchingly. “You sure you’re okay not being with Rock?”
What’s he asking? “Have you spoken to Rock?”
“Nah. Not since he’s regained consciousness. But did you want to wait to go through this? You’ve probably got things to talk about with him.”
“No.” I put him right. “We’ve said all there is to say.” As he looks at me strangely I continue, “Rock will come good in time. I’m more worried about Beef. But you’re right. There’s nothing I can do to help either of them, so let’s get this over with.” The sooner we do, the sooner I can be somewhere else. I look down at my hands as I remember how ill-equipped I am to deal with life on my own.
Mouse coughs, and I realise I’d been lost in my thoughts. Coming back to myself I see his eyes narrowing, then he shrugs. “Okay, so, tell me about Hawk.”
The door opening interrupts us. Mouse takes a drag on his joint as Drummer steps in. “Ah. Peg said you two had got together. Okay if I’m in on this,
sweetheart?”
I can’t see why not, but I’m surprised the president of the MC wants to know about my problems. My expression must give away my thoughts as Drummer continues. “I don’t know why the fuck Chaos was holdin’ you. Nor, though I’m glad they did, why that bunch of rapin’ motherfuckers kept their hands off you. I want to know exactly who your husband is. If we’re going to get blowback for shelterin’ you, I need to know in advance.”
I suppose it makes sense he wants to protect the club. Despite Rock’s abrupt dismissal of me, I’ve had nothing but kindness from the Devils. I’ll do what I can to help them, though it might not be as much as they expect. Frowning slightly, I tell him. “Drummer, I’ll give you whatever I can, though I doubt that I’ve got much that will answer your questions. But I need to give you some background first.”
Drummer settles back into a chair, stretching out his legs, folding his arms and raising his chin to me. “Go on.”
“I come from a religious family. Hawk became our pastor when I was thirteen. I only ever saw him as a pastor, didn’t know anything else about him.” I pause and bite my lip, admitting the next bit isn’t going to be easy. As Mouse fidgets I try to get a grip on myself. “It was only later I learned that he’d planned everything from that moment. Agreed to it all with my parents. The first I knew of it was my eighteenth birthday, when suddenly it was my wedding day as well.”
“Motherfucker!” Mouse suddenly looks animated. “Did you even like him?”
I shake my head. “I’d never thought of him in that way. Sure, I was flattered when an older man paid a teenager attention—he used to single me out in Bible classes—but I never thought of him as a potential husband. He was almost the same age as my father.”
“How old is he now?” Mouse asks, pulling a tablet in front of him.
“Forty-two.”
“And you’re…what?”
“Twenty-one. We’ve been married just over three years.”
Drummer and Mouse exchange glances. They look like they’re doing the math for themselves. It’s Drummer who speaks first. “You said he forced you. You weren’t attracted to him?”
“Never have been. Never will be.” My teeth shut together, they can fill in the blanks. “If I’d had a choice Hawk would have been the last man I’d have married, and that was even before I started to know who he really was. He’s a controlling, possessive man.” I smile self-deprecatingly as both men are giving me strange looks.
“So why did you agree to marry him?”
“I was home schooled, brought up by strict parents. I wasn’t allowed boyfriends, or to go out with my friends. It had always been that way, but looking back, when Hawk set his sights on me my parents became worse. Before Hawk, I’d never…”
As my voice drops away, Drummer prompts, “Never what, sweetheart?” His voice is as gentle as he can make it.
“Never gone to a movie, eaten in a restaurant, or been kissed.” I look down at my hands rather than into their pitying eyes. Naïve isn’t a strong enough word for what I was. “Hawk wanted everything done his way. He’d lay out my clothes in the morning, give me set times to do things, tell me what to do every minute of the day.”
“Sam mentioned you were kept like a slave.” Drummer rolls back his head and stares at the ceiling for a moment. “You never had a chance, did you, darlin’? It goes back further than this fucker who married you.”
I flush red, embarrassed to remember when I’d waited for Sam to tell me what to wear.
“Rock know this?” Mouse interjects. When I indicate ‘no’ he continues, “He ought to be here to hear Becca’s story.”
Drum shoots him a quick look and a shake of his head, leaving me to wonder exactly what Rock’s told him. Mouse’s eyes become slits, but neither man mentions Rock again.
Presumably trying to get the conversation back on track, Drummer asks directly, “Hawk’s a pastor. So why did he end up in prison?”
I send him a grateful look as he removes the focus from my non-existent relationship with Rock. “Because, though his congregation never saw it, he’s got a violent temper. This time he got caught. He put a man in a wheelchair, got sent down for grievous bodily harm.”
“He ever violent toward you?”
The look I send Drummer answers his question. Now it’s going to get awkward. I close my eyes while I gather my strength. “They caught him because I didn’t give him an alibi.”
The president of the Satan’s Devils isn’t stupid. He gives me a considering look. “Did you drop him in it on purpose?”
I shake my head. “That’s why I gave you my sorry background. I’d never been allowed to think for myself. Hawk would always tell me what to say—that’s if he wanted me to say anything at all when people turned up. This time, he hadn’t been expecting the man he hurt to report him. It’s down to me why he got sent down. He was arrogant and didn’t think he’d get caught. But…” I breathe deeply. “I wanted to get away from him. I didn’t know how I’d survive, but I couldn’t stand him. Hated him.”
“And?” Drum prompts.
“The police turning up couldn’t be good. Even I knew that. But I didn’t ask them why they wanted to know. Just answered the questions truthfully when they asked.”
Mouse puts down his tablet and leans back in his chair, raising an eyebrow toward Drummer. His long black hair seems to float around his head as he shakes it. Here it comes. They probably don’t take kindly to people who tell everything to the police. Does that make me a snitch?
“Hawk blames you for sending him down.”
“Yes,” I admit. “You want me to leave now?”
Drummer’s eyes suddenly open. “Why the fuck would you think that?”
Shrugging, I reply, “Because I was responsible for sending a man to prison. I might be used to following instructions, but I’m not stupid. The fact the police wanted to know where Hawk was that night probably meant they suspected he was up to no good. I could have said he’d been home with me. I didn’t.”
He laughs. “You did what you had to, sweetheart. You only told the truth. After the way you’ve been treated no one could have blamed you even if you had done it intentionally. What does make more sense now, is knowing that’s why Hawk didn’t care much about how the Riders treated you. And it gives us more to think about when he gets out.”
Mouse looks thoughtful. “I’ll look into when he’s eligible for parole.”
His comment makes me start and inhale a sharp breath. “I hadn’t thought about that. He could get out early for good behaviour. He’ll be coming after me…”
Suddenly Drummer leans forward, taking my hands in his. “Don’t worry your head, Becca. One way or another we’ll sort this mess for you.”
“I’ll need to leave Arizona before Hawk gets out…”
“Woah, slow down. For now, Becca, you’re safe here on the compound.”
But Rock clearly doesn’t want me here. How can I stay? Drummer will back his brother over an unknown woman any day. Perhaps Rock hasn’t told him how he feels yet?
“Tell me more about Hawk? What’s his full name, darlin’?” Mouse asks, startling me.
“Alexis Gardner.” His real name feels alien on my tongue. It’s become hard to think of him as anything other than Hawk.
Mouse taps again, then turns the screen around to face me. “This him?”
I don’t need more than a glimpse before I nod. “Yes. That white stripe in his hair makes him quite distinctive.”
As Drummer examines the photograph his face tightens. He turns it back around to Mouse. “Apart from Hawk being violent, have you any idea why he hurt the man he did? Has he done anything like that before? Is there more to Hawk than just being a pastor?”
“I’m sorry, Drummer. He never talked to me about anything. If there is anything more to him, he never let on what it could be.” I bite my lip before concluding, “But on the other hand, I wouldn’t be surprised if there is. He’s not a nice man.”
D
rummer studies me for a moment then raises his chin toward Mouse. “We’ll let Mouse do some diggin’, get you free of him, Becca. I promise you that. Took a brave fuckin’ woman to offer herself up yesterday. We got a brother back who might not have been breathin’ if we hadn’t got to him when we had. Owe you one, Becca.” One of his intense looks comes my way. “I’m not worried about you talkin’ to the police. You proved you can keep your mouth shut when you need to by not speakin’ about Rock when you arrived on the compound. Now I’ve got to ask you to trust us.”
“I don’t want to see Hawk again,” I tell them. “I know he’s my husband…”
“Man like that,” Mouse points his finger at the tablet in front of him, “doesn’t deserve a woman like you, Becca. You’ll be better off without him. I’ll look into how you can get a divorce.”
Divorce? My eyes snap to the man behind his computer. It’s what I want, isn’t it? Of course it is. A small smile comes to my face, then disappears as I remember his possessive streak. Hawk’s not going to let me go. “I don’t think I’ll ever be free of him.”
“You will be,” Drummer promises just as his phone pings. Taking it out, his eyes skim a text as he says, “Thank fuck.” He’s almost wearing a smile as he looks up, addressing both me and Mouse. “Beef’s come through surgery. The doctors think his prognosis is good.” He glances at me. “We’ll have to cut this short. I’m going to the hospital to visit him.”
“Can I come too, Drummer?” I don’t want to stay and watch the old ladies play happy families. Knowing Rock hates me, that would hurt. Beef feels like the only friend I have here. Unless, I remind myself, he was only being friendly because of my tenuous connection to Rock.
Mouse offers, “I’ll carry on digging, see what I can find out.”
Giving Mouse a chin lift, Drummer stands. “Come on then. If Beef comes around he’ll probably prefer seeing your pretty face to my ugly one.”
I’m not certain I’m anywhere near pretty…or not yet. But I’m happy to get off the compound and interested, as we drive down into Tucson, when Drummer explains that normally an injured member would have all of his brothers around him. But they’re going to limit his visitors so as not to draw too much attention to him being in the hospital with a bullet wound. The story is that his gun went off by accident when he was cleaning it.
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