by M. K. Lee
Maybe, he considers, maybe his fear of revealing just how much he is feeling for Joel has led to him constantly blurting out reminders that they are nothing more to each other than getting off. That he didn't want a relationship, Matthew realises with a jolt that nearly upends his glass on his lap. Joel's right; it has been him constantly repeating that, every single time he's felt he's been too obvious with how much he's wishing that was what they had, and feeling the need to overcompensate to cover it up. Not that Joel would know that, not with Matthew not telling him what he's been overthinking, Matthew realises then, feeling his stomach drop.
What if Joel does want to be in a relationship with him, Matthew thinks then with alarm. He thinks of all the things he's been doing: the constant reminders that he doesn't want that even when he really does; laughing off the suggestion that Joel might be his boyfriend; not even telling anyone about him so when he was introduced to his friends, no one had a clue who he was. What if all these things he's been doing is giving Joel false messages about what he wants and making Joel pull back from him because of it, to save himself from getting hurt?
If that's the case, why didn't Joel just tell him that was what he wanted, Matthew scoffs then, indignant. But Sarah's accusation of him leaving everything to Joel to decide hurls itself at him with full force, making Matthew swallow his wine down far too quickly and pull faces at the sharp aftertaste of it.
But what if Joel doesn't want that with him, Matthew repeats to himself, letting his head fall hard back against the sofa. What if he doesn't? What if he just didn't like people not knowing about him, having to be introduced as though he's nothing but a stranger to him? That Matthew's not even told anyone he is his friend could sting, without it meaning Joel wants anything more than friendship from him, couldn't it? Matthew considers how he'd feel if the situation was reversed and decides that it could.
But what if Joel does want a relationship with him, Matthew repeats to himself yet again, swallowing hard at the thought of it. What if he does, and he's got his own hang-ups from his own relationship experiences that are making him hesitate. What if he's convinced himself he can't want, or have that with Matthew, because Matthew's made it clear that he doesn't want him like that?
The entire day goes by with Matthew talking himself in and out of believing both of these things. That Joel does want something more to them than what they've been doing but is afraid to tell him, and that Joel's just plain put out by the idea that he's little more than a dirty secret. He goes over conversations they've had about past relationships in fine detail. Joel knows all about Rebecca and other people in Matthew's past; he'd even done a scarily good impression of Sarah's enraged response to hearing about the way Rebecca had left him. And Matthew in turn has heard all about Joel's experiences as well. They have similar stories; a series of short-term relationships and one more serious one. For Joel that had been Ben, who'd apparently had difficulty with the concept of being faithful then accused Joel of trying to control him when he was found out. It's no wonder Joel's been so adamant with his reminders that this thing they're doing is kept just between them.
Joel's experience explains a lot of his reactions, Matthew forces himself to acknowledge. From Matthew's assumption that he'd been on a date behind his back, to Joel's unnecessary jealousy with Sarah, even to when he'd arrived last night and looked him over, possibly checking for evidence that Matthew might have been with someone else. It leaves him feeling guilty, then callous, then angry that he's finding fault with his own actions instead of blaming Joel for everything. Then he tells himself very firmly to fuck off.
Matthew decides he owes Joel at least a conversation, as Joel had put it. It's a gamble, because he doesn't know what he's going in to, doesn't know whether he's going to come out of it with one of the best people he's ever met in his life by his side, or with losing that person forever, or some horrible lie of an in-between where he's still pretending all they are is sex and nothing else. Matthew doesn't even think he's capable of that option anymore, he realises with a resigned drop of his shoulders as his head drops down in defeat.
For what's becoming far, far too common an experience, Matthew finds himself unable to sleep and rehearsing conversations that he knows he's foolish for continually rehashing, trying to pre-empt both sides to and imagine all outcomes of like he's magically found all the answers. It gets him nowhere and accomplishes nothing, but it does keep him occupied enough to make it to sunrise before he falls asleep; killing time, if nothing else.
It's almost eleven before Matthew wakes again, and when he does there's only about a minute before he's flooded with the memory of what's been happening. When it does it settles hard on his stomach, urging him to curl into himself right there on the bed instead of getting up and facing whatever is to come. He showers, afterwards pausing for only a second before putting on the sandalwood scent that he knows is the one Joel inhales deep from his neck in approval every time he wears it. He also chooses the dark blue jeans and a tight black shirt he knows Joel likes seeing him wear, even though his usual goal when putting them on is getting them pulled off again quickly by eager fingers wanting to get to his skin. He's not against that happening, but this meeting is going to be about so much more than that. Though it doesn't hurt to do all he can to make Joel more willing to talk to him, Matthew tells himself on repeat as he gets himself ready—even if Joel has already said that he would.
Matthew's knees threaten to give out on him when he gives himself a final glance over in the mirror, gritting his teeth with determination and forcing himself out of his apartment before he can talk himself into not leaving it at all. The walk to Joel's occurs in a blur of thinking, diving in to the lobby of his apartment building when someone holds the door open. He's standing outside Joel's door telling himself to just knock for fucksake for what is probably only seconds, but the way his heart is pounding and his throat is dry, it could be years.
With a final suck in of breath for bravery, Matthew raises a trembling hand and lets his knuckles strike twice in a sharp knock against the door. He turns his fingers, lets them slide down the smoothness of the wood before falling away again. Takes another deep breath, and waits with all the patience he can gather for Joel to open the door.
Chapter Fourteen
The door swings open practically at the same time as Matthew's knuckles raise to strike it again, and it feels as though Joel was standing there on other side waiting for him. He ushers Matthew through in silence, points him in the direction of the sofa where Matthew sits on the edge both figuratively and literally as Joel makes them coffee. Matthew's eyes never leave him as Joel sinks down beside him, turning a fraction so they're facing into one another but still almost a full sofa cushion apart.
"How was the birthday party?" Matthew asks when the words he wants to say aren't brave enough to come out yet. Joel nods with pursed lips, and Matthew watches his jawline as he swallows hard.
"Shit," Joel settles on, nodding slow. "Full of people I didn't want to be with and music I didn't want to listen to and alcohol I couldn't even taste. I made excuses and left early, said I was feeling sick."
"You're not. Sick. Are you?" Matthew asks, his fingers twitching to reach out for him in comfort but remaining there on his lap. Joel's eyes are on them as they move though, before drifting up deliberately, settling on Matthew's face.
"Depends. Feeling like I might be. Depends on what you're going to say to me." Matthew watches Joel speak, convinced he can feel the hesitance coming off of him but doesn't know how to make this any easier for them both.
"It probably won't help, but I'm feeling sort of the same," is all Matthew manages to stutter out, leaving Joel nodding again. "Sarah said it wasn't fair of me, leaving all the decision-making—all the lead on this—us—up to you," he adds, and it comes out in a hurry like if the words don't come out all at once they're going to get stuck.
"She did," Joel repeats, making it sound like a question.
"Yeah," is all Matthew
can answer with, daring himself to say more but can't. Joel's still staring at him, eyes flitting all over his face as though trying to read him since he's not saying much of anything.
"Alright," Joel sighs, a decisive tone that has Matthew panicking and bracing for things he really doesn't want to hear. "Taking it back to the beginning. And please don't take this as me blaming you for all of this, because I get the impression we both share the blame in what we've done to ourselves—and each other. But if you hadn't been so adamant when we first met that you didn't want a relationship, I'd have tried to get your number. Asked to take you out. Despite what I actually said back then—and despite my better judgement," Joel adds, holding his hand out in an indication that says to Matthew, I know what you're thinking, asking that he doesn't interrupt. "I meant it when I said it was too soon and too much to be thinking of a relationship with everything else that was going on with me at the time being newly back here and all. But still. I probably would have."
Matthew's eyes must be saying something his lips aren't forming because Joel's smile is rueful. "I mean I'm not saying I wouldn't have tried to sleep with you first. I thought you were gorgeous the second I laid eyes on you in that bar, but... I would've... I would have liked the chance to get to know you better for myself without all of that. Not that I'm complaining about what we've done," Joel adds in a wide-eyed haste that says he fears Matthew misunderstanding, but Matthew's already feeling so stunned he skips over that potential landmine without even really noticing it.
"I..." Matthew starts saying but his will fades away, so full of uncertainty and self-doubt in that moment that it's physical and crippling. Matthew clears his throat, takes a breath, and tries again. "I thought you were attractive the moment I saw you when you walked in. I... couldn't believe my luck that Sarah already knew you. And I didn't really think you'd even be interested. But then you... I... we were kinda—"
"We were checking each other out and drunkenly groping thinking we were being all discreet about it because we were doing it below eye level," Joel amends, with a wistful smile of memory. "Seriously. I was surprised it took Sarah so long to notice—"
"I don't think she did," Matthew laughs, shaking his head. "She's never said anything... we were all pretty drunk. I think... I guess she just... she's always coming up with suggestions for people I should, uh... you know..."
"Get into awkward, confusing, amazing situations with involving sex?" Joel finishes for him with an arched brow. Matthew winces and half-closes his eyes again.
"She hasn't—not since you and me—"
"Well that's something," Joel snaps, and it's mostly to himself. Matthew feels like he has to steer this conversation back somehow, fights with himself for the right words to tell him.
"I—"
"You know," Joel says then, low and looking as though he's talking to his own lap, "I never... I've never done the friends with benefits thing before. Never wanted to. Never... never liked the thought of being intimate with someone like that without—without feeling anything for them."
Matthew stares at the top of Joel's head, the shyness in his posture, and tries to keep back the surprise in his voice. "Then... then why'd you agree to... why'd you even—"
"Because I didn't want you—either of you to think I was being childish or something. Like... the casualness Sarah brought it up with was... I felt like I should be okay with the idea of it. I... by the time Sarah made her, uh... suggestion about us, I'd gone from just basically lusting after you to being really, really interested. I told myself I could be okay with it, that... that I wouldn't let myself care too much. That I'd... that I'd be brash about it, and that... that maybe... maybe if we... maybe if we gave it a go, we'd... I don't know... maybe along the way we'd figure things out."
Matthew watches Joel speak, the way his hands wring repeatedly against his legs, thinking it's about the most endearing though heartbreaking thing he's ever seen Joel do. "I... I assumed... from the way you spoke at times. When we were—"
"Do you have any idea how terrifying that first Sunday was for me?" Joel laughs then, a self-deprecating groan accompanying the blush to his cheeks and the wince of his eyes when he finally looks back up at him. "I spent almost the entire day planning... rehearsing the kind of things I'd say to you. I... I even..." and Joel comes to an abrupt stop, moaning softly at himself with remorse and blushing furiously. "I've never even taken a selfie. I hate that kind of thing. So I... I had to... I spent the day figuring out how my camera worked. And the video recorder—I walked around filming my boxes not unpacking themselves and people in the street downstairs... took me forever to get the angle right for—for what I sent you. And that... I've never sent a dick pic to anyone in my life. I was terrified it might end up... out there somewhere on the internet as though between me sending the message and you receiving it, it might've... I don't know. Got... got cyber-napped or something."
Matthew cannot hold back the adoring smile he gives Joel then, taking in the way he bites down on his lip and looks so thoroughly embarrassed it's practically impossible to reconcile what he's saying with what he'd thought was Joel's confidence. "I... you were so good at all that stuff. You are. I... from the way you were speaking I just... assumed you—you knew what you were doing with all that—"
"Nope," Joel interrupts, shaking his head and blushing a shade brighter. "I dread to think what anyone would think if... if they checked my browser history on my laptop..."
Matthew is completely lost, the grin his mouth splits into making his jaw ache. "I... I was following your lead through every step. 'Cos I've never done anything like this before either. Sarah was just... Sarah. Like... I was just Matthew for her. This is the most... adventurous thing I've done in my life. I mean I wanted it... but I was terrified," which seems exactly the right thing to say from the way Joel's grinning back at him looking so thoroughly relieved it makes Matthew hopeful that they can sort this thing out.
Joel continues to smile at him, and Matthew realises he's still got a lot of things he should really get out. He takes a breath, a pause to organise his thoughts from their chaos, then exhales hard and nods, as though that's a sign for Joel to listen to him. "This... this isn't meant as an excuse. Maybe just—a bit of an explanation I suppose. I'm... probably irrationally paranoid about... about not noticing things. Not—not seeing the signs in relationships that things are going wrong—that I'm in the wrong, or doing something wrong, or—"
"Who says you've done anything wrong?" Joel suggests, his expression softening with understanding. "Just because... just because one person treated you the way they did—which is still one of the shittiest things I've ever heard of, by the way, the way Rebecca left you like that—it doesn't mean... it doesn't have to mean that you're doing something wrong. That everyone else is going to treat you like they don't know a good thing when they're lucky enough to have it."
Matthew's heart plummets, because Joel's being so kind to him right now even if he is still keeping his distance. And considering his behaviour Matthew knows he doesn't deserve that. He's not even apologised yet, not for any of it, not even for last night, he realises, gasping to himself. "I'm sorry," he blasts out before he can overthink it. "I'm sorry about last night. I... I shouldn't have—"
"Remember any part of me complaining about any of it?" Joel interrupts with a firm shake of his head and a particularly smug grin.
"Well no," Matthew admits, cautious, "But still. I was so... I was so rough with you—"
"You were," Joel agrees, a glint in his eye, "I liked it. Every bit of it. Still feeling you now. I like that a lot. Though I owe you an apology for being so… heavy-handed, after that game."
Traitorous as Matthew's cock always is when it comes to Joel, his jeans begin to grow a little uncomfortable, swelling at his words. But before he can let the thoughts get away from him he's adamantly shaking his head. "I came in you," he stutters out, sucking in a sharp breath. "I—I came. I... I wasn't wearing anything..."
"I know
," Joel agrees again, that glint growing in intensity. "I felt it. I felt all of it. I wanted to feel you like that. Feeling you... feeling you leaking out of me afterwards, I..." Joel's voice trails away, a hand waving vaguely over his own lap. Matthew's eyes can't help falling in that direction, sucking in yet another breath at the obvious bulge in Joel's jeans that now he's seen he's having trouble dragging his gaze away from. "Hot," is Joel's conclusion, as if he knows no other words.
Matthew licks his lips as his brain recovers from shorting out, biting down on one before he forces out a, "I should have asked though. I should—I should have said something. I... I didn't even notice until you'd left this morning," he finishes with, looking down at his fingers folded together in his lap and feeling terrible.
"I know," Joel says once more, nodding back at him. "Still liked it. Loved it in fact. Loved every second of it," Matthew sees his honesty several seconds before he allows himself to believe it, eventually letting himself breath out in tentative relief.
"Anyway," Matthew says, telling himself not to get too off track. "I... I didn't set out on this... this thing between us being... being like this. I didn't... I told myself I could do the just the sex thing without there being any feelings involved to make it complicated. Other than attraction, of course," he adds, and is pleased that it makes Joel smile.
"You did the just the sex thing with Sarah," Joel points out, eyes narrowing just enough for Matthew to recognise jealousy and is anxious to get rid of it again, but he doesn't want to rehash the things they've already said.
"Other people—you hear about other people doing the friends with benefits thing all the time," Matthew says then, the first thing that comes into his mind, not knowing how he even expects it to be received.
