Her head dropped so her gaze was no longer on me. I couldn’t see what was in her eyes and I needed that. I raised her chin back up and forced her to look at me. Her eyes were bright with unshed tears.
“I want to believe you so bad,” she whispered. “I want you too, Ryan, but I’m so scared that you’re going to freak out and decide you’ve had enough.”
“Cassie, in case you didn’t notice, I wasn’t the one that freaked out. I never said I didn’t want to do this. You just decided that. I get that Michael hurt you when he walked away, but I’m not Michael and I’m not going to leave you. I love you.”
A sob broke free from her as she rested her head against my chest. I held her in my arms as she wrapped her arms around me and squeezed me to her. My chin rested on her head as I waited for her to calm down. When she finally stepped back, she gave me a small smile.
“I’m sorry I did that to you.”
I ran a hand down the side of her face and cupped her cheek. “I know. Enough okay? We need to stick together and get through this.”
She nodded and I took the shampoo down and washed her hair, massaging her scalp. I did everything I could to ease the tension in her body before our court appearance. By the time she was ready to go, she looked a little calmer. We dropped James off and then held hands as we walked into the courthouse.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Cassandra
“THAT WENT ABOUT how I expected it would,” Garret said as we walked into one of the courthouse rooms. “From here, you’ll meet with the social worker and set up a time that works for both you and Mr. Scott for visitation days. The social worker will accompany James on his visits and then she’ll report her findings at the hearing in three months.”
“Doesn’t three months seem like an awfully short amount of time to judge whether or not James should live part time with Michael?”
“Three months is the minimum amount of time the judge ordered. When we come back in three months, we’ll see what the social worker says. It all depends on how well James and Mr. Scott connect and what environment him and his wife provide for James. I have a few things that I want to look into and if something turns up, I’ll give you a call.”
Ryan shook Garret’s hand and I numbly said goodbye. James was going to be meeting with Michael once a week for four hours for the first three months. Ryan and I were going to have to discuss what time worked best for us and see if that also worked with Michael, though I didn’t really think he should get a say in any of it. His wife had been all misty eyed through the whole court proceeding and I wanted to punch her in the face. She acted as if James were her child. Ryan saw my reaction and gripped my hand to calm me down before I had an outburst in court.
I didn’t feel like going to work after that, but I couldn’t afford to take a day off every time I had to be in court. Unfortunately, before I could get to work, the school called and told me James had the flu and needed to be picked up. I had to rearrange a ton of appointments, but my secretary was amazing at her job, so I wasn’t too worried.
By the time we got home, James had thrown up twice in the car and was heaving again when we walked through the door. I got him settled upstairs and then went to the kitchen to make chicken soup. I wasn’t sure if he’d be able to eat any, but I wanted him to have at least broth if he was up to it.
James got sick several more times that afternoon and I was beginning to feel a little worn down myself. I wanted to take a nap, but I couldn’t since Ryan would be home late tonight. He had to work late at the office since he had missed his morning.
When he finally walked through the door, I went to him and sank into his warmth. After the last few weeks of pushing him away, I had decided that I’d had enough of that. I couldn’t do it anymore, especially with what we were about to face with Michael.
“How’s James feeling?”
“Well, he threw up about six times since I picked him up from school. My car smells like a big box of vomit.” He grimaced and did a gagging imitation. “He finally fell asleep about an hour ago, but I didn’t want to lay down in case he needed me.”
His expression shifted from grossed out to concerned. “Are you feeling alright?”
“I just feel run down. I hope he doesn’t give me what he has because I already feel like I’m out of energy.”
“Don’t worry, baby. If you throw up on yourself during the night, I’ll clean you up.”
I smiled at him and rolled my eyes. “Now I know you love me. Only someone that truly loves someone else would clean up their vomit.”
“Is that how we measure love nowadays?”
“Husbands and wives do all kinds of things that you should never do with another person. Just wait until we reach old age. You’ll be sorry you got married.”
“I doubt that. Why don’t you go lie down. I’ll listen for James. I still have some work to do.”
I nodded and went to lie down in bed. I didn’t even have the energy to brush my teeth. I plopped down on the bed face first and passed out moments later.
✯✯✯✯✯
The urge to puke had me racing to the bathroom for the fifth time in just a few hours. I was trying to be quiet because I didn’t want Ryan hearing me puke again. Every time I got sick, he came in and held my hair back and rubbed my back. It felt wonderful, but we were newly married and I didn’t want him seeing me puke. It was right up there with farting and stinking up the bathroom after pooping.
I must have been pretty loud because Ryan was there in an instant to hold my hair back. By the time I was done throwing up, I was thoroughly exhausted. Holding my head up seemed like an outrageous request, so I rested my head on the toilet seat while I waited out the nausea that was still swirling inside. After a few minutes, my stomach settled and I got up with Ryan’s help. After brushing my teeth, Ryan tucked me back in bed.
I felt the bed dip as he climbed in behind me. He tried to pull me against him, but moving from my current position just made my stomach roil. He seemed to understand and he stopped pulling on me. I fell into a fitful sleep and every movement hurt worse than the one before. I couldn’t get comfortable and by morning, the light shining in was causing a massive headache.
Moaning, I rolled over to see Ryan looking at me like he was about to die.
“Did I get you sick?” I groaned.
“I want to die. This is horrible.”
“How many times have you thrown up?”
“None yet, but my stomach hurts so bad.”
I rolled my eyes internally. He was acting like he was going to die, but he hadn’t even thrown up yet. I had been sick all night and my whole body ached. Seeing that Ryan would no longer be taking care of me, I dragged my tired ass out of bed to make some toast so I could take some medicine. Every step to the kitchen was painful, but I didn’t have a choice if I wanted the hammering in my head to stop.
I popped the bread in the toaster and rested my chin in the palm of my hand as I leaned on the counter. I must have dozed off because I startled when James suddenly appeared at my side.
“Mom, am I going to school today?”
He was still in his pajamas and looked slightly better today. “No bud. I caught whatever you had, so we’ll be staying home today.”
“Good. I still don’t feel good.”
He sat at the counter and laid his head down. I felt his forehead and there was no temperature, so it was probably just the aftereffects of throwing up yesterday.
“Do you want something to eat? How about some toast?”
His head wiggled around on the counter and I took that as a yes. I was jealous of him. I wanted to lay down and have someone wait on me. Still, he was my son and I couldn’t stand to see him not feeling well. We ate our toast and then sat down in the living room.
“Mom, I think I should just relax today. Maybe I should just watch movies today.”
“Oh, you think?”
“Yeah,” he said in all seriousness. “I think it would be best if I’m going to feel good enough t
o go to school tomorrow.”
I rolled my eyes at him. I knew he wasn’t feeling well still, but he was laying it on awfully thick. Since I was feeling like crap, I really didn’t care if he laid on the couch all day and watched TV.
I sat down in the recliner and closed my eyes, trying to relax as he watched Big Hero 6. I tried to tone out the movie, but every noise was like a knife to my head. The more my head pounded, the more my stomach revolted. I bolted for the bathroom and made it moments before my stomach purged its meager contents.
“Ugh. Cassie? Cassie, are you there?” Ryan called from the bed that he was luxuriating in. I pulled myself up and shuffled back into the bedroom.
“What?”
“Do you think you could close the curtains? It’s keeping me from sleeping.”
I bared my teeth at him. Had he not just heard me throwing up in the bathroom? I walked over and yanked the curtains shut, wishing I could climb into bed and get some more sleep.
“Mom!”
I moaned and shuffled back into the living room. “What’s up, baby?”
“Mom, I think my tummy’s hungry. Could you make me something to eat?” He blinked rapidly as if he would faint if he didn’t eat soon.
“Sure. I’ll make you some eggs.”
“Not the runny ones, Mom. I don’t think my stomach could handle it.” Why were the men in my life so pathetic when they were sick? James hadn’t thrown up since late yesterday afternoon, yet he acted like he was on the verge of needing an emergency room.
I made James his eggs and brought his plate to him. Normally, I didn’t allow him to eat in the living room, but I didn’t have it in me to stand anymore. I needed to sit down. I was getting dizzy and my head was pounding furiously. I had thrown up my medicine and I wasn’t sure I could eat anything yet to take more.
Snuggling into the recliner again, I closed my eyes and tried to think of anything other than how horrible I felt. Finally I was able to doze off.
“Cassie?” Ryan’s voice was weak coming from the other room. I ignored him, hoping that he would take the hint and do whatever he needed himself.
“Cassie?”
So much for getting some rest. I flung my blanket off and went to check on Ryan.
“Cassie?”
“What do you need?” I tried to ask with as little snark as possible.
“Baby, I think I need something to eat. Just something light. I think I’ll feel better with some toast or something. Maybe some ginger ale, too.”
He didn’t look at me as he spoke, just laid there with his eyes closed and his arm draped over his forehead.
“Sure. Anything else?”
“I don’t have my phone near me. Can you call Logan and tell him that I need him to reschedule my appointments?”
“Sure.”
I turned to leave, but his voice stopped me again. “Cassie, could you feel my head? I think I might have a fever.” Gritting my teeth, I shuffled over and slapped a hand on his forehead.
“You’re fine.”
“Really? I feel so warm. I think I’m really sick.”
“You feel fine to me. You’re not warm at all.”
He groaned and rolled on his side. “I just feel so horrible. Thank you for taking care of me, Cassie.”
It should make me feel good that my husband was so grateful for my help, but instead, anger boiled inside me at seeing him snuggled under the covers as I ran around and took care of him.
When he had his toast and ginger ale, I called Logan and my own secretary to notify them that we were all sick and wouldn’t be into work. Then I called the school and did the same. Finally getting to sit down again, I slumped in the recliner under my blanket and fell back asleep.
Strong arms lifted me, but I couldn’t open my eyes to see where we were going. I was too exhausted and my eyes were burning from lack of sleep. My head lulled into Ryan’s shoulder and I sniffed his shirt, his scent bringing me comfort.
“Did you just sniff me?” he chuckled.
“Mmhmm.”
He set me down on the bed and pulled the covers up over me. I sighed and snuggled in deeper, happy that I was once again in my bed.
“Do you need anything?”
I shook my head.
“You really should take better care of yourself.”
I opened my eyes and glared at him. He laughed and ran a hand down the back of his neck.
“I may have exaggerated how bad I felt.”
“You don’t say.”
“Anyway, I feel better now and I promise to take care of you the rest of the day. Anything you need, you just call me.”
I nodded, but closed my eyes and went to sleep. The last thing I wanted right now was to deal with him or my son. When the door clicked shut, I settled further into bed and went to sleep.
When I woke up again, it was dark in the room and my headache had lessened some. I sat up and looked at my phone, seeing that it was almost eight o’clock at night. I used the bathroom and then walked out to see if James was still up. Ryan was sleeping on the couch with his head tilted back and James was leaning against him, also asleep. The TV was on and the end of the first Harry Potter movie was playing.
I looked back at them and smiled. I never would have imagined that Ryan would become such an important part of my life or James’s. I knew that I loved him, but it seemed that James did also. I knew that James looked forward to their nightly reading sessions, but this was different. James was snuggled up to Ryan like he really was his dad.
I went to the kitchen to make some food. Now that I had some rest, I was finally feeling like I could hold something down. That wouldn’t happen right away, however. The kitchen was a disaster. There were dishes everywhere and food sitting out all over the counters, which was surprising since Ryan was such a clean freak. After cleaning up the kitchen, I was exhausted and had to sit down before my shaky legs gave out.
“Hey, you want me to make you something to eat?”
Ryan stood in the doorway in jeans and a henley. He looked so good and if I was feeling up to it, I would jump him and have my way with him, but just the thought of standing was too much right now.
“I came in here to do that, but I wanted to clean up first. Now I’m too tired.”
“Yeah, it got a little messy in here. Sorry about leaving it for you to clean up.”
“It’s okay. You took care of James for me all afternoon. Is he feeling better?”
“Yeah. I got him to eat a little bit, but we mostly hung out and watched movies all day. I just took him upstairs to bed.”
I nodded and let my eyes drift closed. He wrapped his arms around me and started to lift me.
“I can walk.”
“I know you can, but I want to take care of you. I was a pain in the ass earlier and you weren’t feeling well, but you still took care of me.”
I let him take me back to bed and then he brought in some dinner. He sat next to me as I slowly ate his dinner, not wanting to eat too fast in case my stomach revolted.
“I want to hang out with James before he spends any time with Michael. I was thinking I could take him out to do something with the guys.”
“Alright. I think he’d have fun.” I looked over to see him staring at the wall. “What’s wrong?”
“Do you think..what if he likes Michael more than me? What if he decides he likes spending more time with Michael than with me?”
“I was worried about the same thing at first, but you have to remember that he’s spent more time with you. You do things with him that he likes to do.”
“Yeah, but I’m not his real dad. What if Michael spoils him and does really cool things with him? I haven’t done anything really cool with him yet. He might start asking to spend more time with Michael.”
“Well, Michael doesn’t get more time with him until the courts say so, but if James does want to spend more time with him, then we have to let him. Michael’s his biological father and if he likes spending time with him, I can’
t stop him. I’m not thrilled about it, but..” I shrugged. I hated the idea of James spending time with Michael, but I had the sense that Ryan needed reassurance that this wouldn’t be his fault if James ended up spending more time with Michael.
Ryan looked even more worried as he continued to stare off at the wall. I grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze. “Don’t worry about it, Ryan. I saw him with you today. He trusts you, otherwise he wouldn’t have fallen asleep on you.”
“I hope so,” he whispered.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Ryan
AFTER MEETING WITH the social worker, we agreed that James would meet with his dad on Saturday afternoons. Sundays were reserved for getting together with Cassandra’s parents and we didn’t want to break that habit. It was Friday and I couldn’t stand the thought of James going to Michael’s house tomorrow, so I called up the guys and asked for a huge favor, one they all readily agreed to.
James came downstairs for school just as Cassandra was walking out of our bedroom. “Hey, buddy. You aren’t going to school today.”
“I’m not?”
“Nope. You’re coming with me and we’re going to have a guys day.”
“Really?” His face lit up and he started jumping up and down. “What are we going to do?”
“We’re going to meet with my friends and play paintball.”
“Awesome! Mom, did you hear that?”
Cassie had a big smile on her face and nodded enthusiastically as James jumped into her arms. I had cleared everything with her earlier in the week because I didn’t want to end up breaking a promise to James if she didn’t say yes.
“Why don’t you go upstairs and look in the loft. I put some clothes up there for you to wear today.”
He did a fist pump in the air and then ran upstairs. I laughed and ran a hand across my jaw. That kid was so awesome. Thoughts of him going to his dad entered my mind, followed by the anxiety of him liking his real dad more than me. My chest actually hurt at the thought of him not wanting to do stuff with me if he thought his dad was cooler.
“It’s going to be fine. He hasn’t even met him yet. Stop worrying.” It was like Cassandra could read my thoughts. The crazy part was that I had told her not to worry until there was something to worry about. Now she was cool as a cucumber and I was over here sweating my balls off. She wrapped her arms around me and held me. Just her touch could soothe me and I found the pain dulling in my chest.
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