The Mountains Trilogy (Boxed Set)

by Phoebe Alexander

  "I think you have James McAllister figured out to a T," Rachel surmised.

  Sarah nodded. "Nothing I say is going to change his mind though," she conceded. "He's just going to have to figure out who he really is."

  Rachel hugged her again, "You're so smart, Lovechop! Only one of the million reasons I love you!"

  Sarah smiled and hugged her back. "Enough about him," she said, changing the subject. "Let's go see what the kids are up to and you can think about how you want to share the big news!"

  ***

  They arrived at the park a little before the scheduled meeting time. Owen’s eyes had first bypassed the playground and fixated on the giant concrete circle that had fountains of water streaming through the center of it. “Oh my gosh, Mom, look!” he screamed, pointing. Children were splashing in the water of the pool that collected from the center of the structure and their laughter carried on the summer wind throughout the park. Even Sarah marveled at the way the huge sculpture appeared to be a window to the mountains that served as its backdrop. She was surprised she hadn’t ever taken the kids to this park when they still lived in Colorado.

  She motioned for Owen to head out onto the playground and took a seat on a nearby bench. Her skin felt like it was crawling with dread as she sat watching Owen run down a swinging bridge made of two by fours and then slide down a metal pole on the other side of the suspended platform. Abby and Kathy flanked her as if she needed protection. Weakest bodyguards ever, Sarah mused glancing from her waify daughter to her frail mother.

  Across the playground, sauntering through the gates opposite the huge fountain, she saw them. Daniel, shorter and stouter than she remembered on one side and a petite redheaded woman on the other, swinging a little boy with tousled red hair between them. She watched his feet lift off the ground and his jubilant face giving way to a fit of laughter as Daniel scooped him up and slung him onto his shoulders.

  Sarah wanted to feel something stronger than what she felt, which was a mixture of apathy and detachment. She knew that man was Daniel, but it was not the Daniel she had known. The Daniel Taylor she had known would not have walked through the park with her, a contented grin plastered to his face, swinging their son between them. As the family approached, she felt her Auto Pilot kick on. She was going to get through this, just like she did everything else.

  She felt his arms wrap around her first, before he even acknowledged anyone else. He whispered in her ear, sounding sincerely filled with gratitude, “Thanks for agreeing to this, Sarah. It means a lot to us.”

  Before she could respond, he had begun to scan the playground for Owen. Then he introduced his wife to Sarah, Abby and Kathy. “Everyone, this is Nikki.” She waved a tiny, strained hello and stood back a little bit to draw attention to the freckled, blue-eyed boy that came up just about to Daniel’s knees. “And this is Sam,” Daniel announced.

  Just then, Owen came tearing across the playground and through the little opening in the fence. “Dad!” he shouted, his face radiating with joy.

  Daniel picked Owen up and squeezed him against his chest in a display of affection Sarah could never remember him bestowing upon their son when he was small. “Is this my brother?!” he exclaimed, turning to the little boy as soon as his feet touched the ground again.

  The little boy bashfully clung to his mother’s leg and Daniel tried to coax him out of his shell. “Sam, this is your big brother Owen. He’s eleven years old. Isn’t he tall?” He turned to Sarah, “My god, he looks just like you.”

  Owen took Sam’s hand and led him over to the smaller area for toddlers. Sarah was not in the least surprised that he seemed so tender and gentle with the young boy. Daniel finally acknowledged Abby, asking her how school was and if she had a boyfriend. She answered his questions and her mother squeezed her hand in a show of support. Abby was somewhat gracious, and not her normal curt, cynical self. Sarah was grateful for that.

  Nikki was painfully silent, her face stretched into a fake-looking smile as if she’d been coached to become an automaton for this outing. Now that would be like the old Daniel, Sarah thought sharply. She decided to try to engage her in conversation and followed her as she moved closer to where the boys were playing. “So what do you do for a living?” Sarah queried, trying to sound light and conversational and not as if she was prying.

  “I was a paralegal in the office building where Daniel worked when we met, but now I’m a stay-at-home mom,” she gushed sweetly. “I also have my own business making cakes for all occasions.”

  “Oh,” Sarah replied, “that’s great!” She was really trying hard not to pass judgment, to stay neutral. She studied Nikki’s face, and learned that she was sort of plain, with a long, thin pointed nose, high cheekbones and thin lips. Her hair, which blew in the breeze and caught the sunlight in the lighter, strawberry blonde strands, was certainly her most striking feature.

  “I think Daniel told me you’re a professor?” she offered, trying to sound more interested than she likely was, but starting to seem more human than automaton at last.

  “Yes, I teach sociology at the University of Maryland,” Sarah said briskly. “I’m also about to publish a book.”

  “Wow!” Nikki exclaimed, now sincerely sounding impressed. “What’s the book about?”

  “It’s about sexuality on college campuses and how it’s transformed in the digital age,” Sarah replied, sounding academic. She could tell that Nikki now felt uncomfortable and was scanning the playground, looking for a way to escape the conversation. Sarah gloated a little, not even minding that she felt a bit superior. With all the other shit going on, she thought, at least I can be confident in my professional skills.

  After the kids played for a while, Daniel gathered everyone and offered to treat the group to lunch. There were no objections so they caravanned to a pizza and sandwich shop only a few blocks away into the city. Sarah watched the giant circular fountain disappear in her rearview mirror and made a mental note to bring the kids back in their swimming gear after the wedding.

  Lunch was casual and not nearly as painful as Sarah imagined. Daniel talked a lot about his new job, which was a normal, legitimate business and not some crazy, questionable scheme. Nikki chimed in about how great their neighborhood was and how they’d just fixed up their guest bedroom. Oh, here it is, Sarah thought, it’s finally coming. The real reason for this visit.

  “I know it’s probably a long shot,” Daniel began, “but we’d really love to have Owen, and Abby too, if she wants, out to visit us later this summer, or over Christmas break, or really whenever they want.”

  Sarah braced herself, took a deep breath and smiled sweetly. “Well, that’s very generous of you both. I can’t really give you an answer about that right now; it’s something that’s going to need some careful thought and consideration,” she replied as diplomatically as she could muster.

  “Understood,” Daniel replied warmly, and then he was off to the next topic, not even venturing in that direction again for the rest of the meal.

  Later, on their way home, her mother remarked that she was proud of the way Sarah had handled herself. “Honey, you could have been really bitter, seeing him all happy and content with his new life and now wanting to come along and shake yours up. But you were gracious and generous, and I think you showed both him and your kids what kind of person you are,” she praised her daughter.

  Sarah sighed, thinking about what she had wanted to do and say. Sometimes she wished she could be brash and somewhat reckless like Rachel. But she was always controlled, deliberate, and thoughtful. She would have been angry with herself if she would have allowed Daniel Taylor to see her at anything less than her best.

  ***

  That night was the eve of the wedding. Rachel was going nuts with rehearsal plans and stressing about her parents meeting Jack’s parents for the first time. Sarah wanted to help calm her friend’s nerves, but she felt weak, emotionally drained, and as if she had nothing left to give. She suggested that Rachel ta
ke a nap to conserve her energy for the rehearsal and dinner.

  “You’re napping for two now, don’t forget!” Sarah winked at Rachel with what was the last shred of positivity she could muster.

  Rachel’s teeth gleamed between her lips as she clasped her hand over Sarah’s mouth playfully. “I’m not telling Jack till our wedding night, so shhhhh already!” she warned.

  Sarah made the universal gesture for zipping her lips and throwing away the key. Then she retreated behind the closed door of the bedroom she was sharing with her mother, who was in the den with the kids working a crossword. A sense of relief washed over her as she turned the lock and collapsed onto the bed. She felt as though she was lying on a bed of nails, each sharp point digging into her flesh. She curled onto her side and balled her body into a fetal position. I don’t know how much longer I can be strong for everyone, she thought. I’m falling apart on the inside.

  She pulled the comforter over her head and buried her face in the mound of pillows under her head. Losing James is the worst heartbreak I have ever experienced, she realized. The worst.

  I don’t think I have ever felt more rejected. And maybe I’m being a selfish bitch but it seems like everything is wine and roses for everyone else in my life. Rachel is marrying the man of her dreams and having his baby. My ex has somehow transformed into the model father and husband and makes me want to vomit because his new life seems so idealistic and wholesome. And Maggie is going to ride off into the sunset with my man.

  I know I should be happy for Rachel, and I should be glad that Daniel wants to be part of his son’s life, but this all sucks. And I’m allowed to think it sucks, right? I don’t have to be Miss Compersion and Altruism all the time, do I?

  So why do I feel so fucking guilty?

  Other than the new theory she had hypothesized with Rachel two days before, she had desperately tried to limit her attention to the James Channel, but she knew this was the day he left for Afghanistan. She had clung to an eensy weensy molecule of hope that he would contact her before he left, but her phone was dark and silent. She could nearly envision the tearful goodbyes, hugging his mother and sisters, kissing Maggie goodbye for the last time. They were sending their son, their brother, their fiancé off to war. Everyone in their lives would know they had a loved one thousands of miles away, in the path of ever-present danger, protecting and serving our country. Everyone would share in their pain, their worry, their missing him and praying for the best. Everyone would admire that they were sacrificing time with their loved one so he could answer the call of duty.

  Where was her support? Where were the knowing glances and the hugs of solidarity? Where was the admiration for her sacrifice of time with the man she loved? Oh, that’s right, Sarah thought, it doesn’t exist. No one knows that he’s gone off to war and left me brokenhearted. I have to bear my pain and fear and missing him in desperate, hopeless silence because he doesn’t belong to me anymore.

  And what’s worse? As much as I wanted him, he never belonged to me.

  ***

  Sarah had been charged with keeping the wedding day itinerary flowing smoothly and she was grateful it prevented her mind from wallowing in the self-pity she’d indulged in the night before. She got everyone up in the morning, dressed, to their appointments with makeup artists and hairdressers, and to photo calls at precisely the right times. She had made sure everyone was fed and hydrated, particularly the bride. She made sure everyone received the correct flowers and deftly juggled the caterer, the musicians and the officiant. And most importantly, she single-handedly prevented Mrs. Brock from ruining her daughter’s wedding day.

  Finally everyone was in place, the groom and groomsmen in their sharply angled line, looking so handsome and debonair. The parents of the bride and groom were seated along with all the guests. The bride, bridesmaids, and flower girl Gia waited in their positions for the processional to begin, Sarah inching ever closer to breathing a much-deserved sigh of relief. She’d calculated that she could officially relax when the ring was on Rachel’s finger, but then adjusted the timeline to after the kiss. Hell, better make it the recessional just to make sure, she thought, knowing what a wild card Rachel could be, considering that a pregnant Rachel was bound to be that much more unpredictable and volatile.

  Finally the processional music started, which was “Canon in D,” since Mrs. Brock had deemed “Here Comes the Bride” much too pedestrian for such a sophisticated affair. When Rachel had fired back with, “We’re standing on a mountaintop, Mom, not in a fucking cathedral,” Sarah knew it was going to be a long day. Not surprisingly, with a few more sharp-tongued exchanges, Mrs. Brock got her way, as usual. Sarah had gently suggested to Rachel that she choose her battles wisely.

  Sarah swallowed to get the taste of that conversation out of her mouth, then searched for her Auto Pilot switch. Just plaster a pleasant smile on your face and walk, she told herself, that’s all you have to do now. Her amethyst colored dress was twisting around her waist. It felt loose even though she’d just had it altered the month before. I’ve lost weight since he left, she realized. He took my appetite with him. She watched the silky material slide against the silver strap of her shoe with each step down the white cloth-covered aisle, slowly glancing side to side at the guests in the white wooden chairs, each row bedecked with fresh flowers.

  Rachel and Jack had chosen the place for the ceremony from pictures they perused online. When Sarah had first seen the venue earlier that morning, she’d gasped. It was just fifty yards or so from the place she and James had hiked to after their picnic in March. Standing there four months later, Sarah heard his words - his admission that he loved her - echoing through the canyon. She begged the music to drown out that memory in her mind.

  At last the bridesmaids, flower girl and bride were in place and the officiant began the welcome and offered a prayer. This day is not about me, she reminded herself. While everyone else’s eyes were closed and heads bowed, she studied her best friend, who looked like a little cloud of white perched on the mountaintop, clutching her bouquet of pink and white stargazer lilies and purple irises against her stomach as if morning sickness had begun to plague her again.

  Sarah thought about how she’d known this woman for nearly twelve years, how they’d been through births and crumbling marriages and divorces and grad school and moves together. She realized today was their first wedding together, but surely the first of many. Someday in the not too distant future, Sarah thought with a gulp, we’ll be watching Abby and Owen and Thomas and Gia walk down the aisle with the men or women they love. And the new baby too. And then we’ll be watching our babies have babies. I just hope they will all find their happy endings, that they will love and be loved.

  Sarah sighed as she glanced from Abby to Owen, then to Thomas and Gia, trying to imagine them as grownups. She peered into her crystal ball at what their futures may look like. And then she looked back to the present and wondered if her mother would have dreamed this life for her when she was their ages.

  Maybe this is my happy ending after all, Sarah sighed, just getting to be a mother and an academic and enjoying a life rich with beauty and intellectual pursuits. She choked back a tear thinking about how truly blessed she was to have a loyal friend like Rachel, how blessed she was to have a mother who understood her and loved her unconditionally. Then she considered that having an amazing man like James come into her life like a whirlwind, knowing from the beginning that he would break her heart, but allowing herself to love him with every fiber of her being - despite her intuitions - maybe that is a blessing too. Maybe having loved and lost really is better than never having loved at all. I will never regret loving him, she realized, knowing she was a better person for seeing what depths her heart was capable of reaching.

  She listened to her best friend’s confident, bold voice carrying across the mountain as she recited her vows, looking deeply into the eyes of her beloved. She watched her slip a ring onto his finger and promise that she would love h
im until death parted them. She watched Jack do the same, making her best friend his wife, vowing to love her and cherish her till the end of time. She watched them exchange their beautiful promise to each other and realized that just bearing witness to great love is a blessing. Knowing that two people desire for every part of themselves to be intertwined forever is a blessing.

  Maybe I can’t have that for myself again, she thought, but I can feel blessed for those who do.

  As the officiant pronounced Jack and Rachel husband and wife, Sarah scanned the range of Rockies in the distance, watching the lavender mist rolling in around Pike’s Peak, remembering how James had looked against that same backdrop. She heard his voice in her head and felt his arms around her. He suddenly felt so close to her, as if his body was pressing against her.

  Her eyes soaked up the distant snowy splendor of the highest ranges. The nearer red rock formations jutted to the sky, silhouetted against the darker gray mountains with their silver caps. She gasped for air as her lungs suddenly found themselves devoid of breath. Something beyond logic and reason was happening to her. Every cell in her body and mind began to resonate with a vibrant and melodic symphony that rose to the heavens like billowing clouds of smoke. She was enveloped in the chorus of a million voices from all throughout the universe ringing out with one, unified message.

  As she began to grasp what was happening to her, a solitary teardrop slid down her cheek and onto the silky petal of a lily in her bouquet. Anyone watching would have thought she was moved to tears at the sight of her best friend in the world marrying the man she loved. But no... as happy as Sarah was for Rachel, this tear was something else. It was spawned by the ethereal anthem being raised all around her.