"Sarah, I'm so glad that Abby reached out to me," he said. She was almost positive she could see his eyes glistening with emerging tears. "I screwed up all those years ago." He took her hand into his. "I shouldn't have ever let you go. I'm sorry."
She was numb with shock. She had never expected in a million years to hear those words come out of his mouth, let alone see him again. She had completely written him off; he was merely a phantom of her past that she saw echoed every day in her daughter's face and voice and movement. Honestly, I don't know what to say, she thought, and then she verbalized it to him. She had no other words.
"You don't have to say anything," he said, finally succumbing to a lone tear which marched down his face and dripped into his beard. Looking at the way little Elise was already attached to her big sister's hip, he smiled as if it would keep any others from flowing. "Just emailing back and forth with her the last few months and seeing her now in person, I can see you've done an amazing job raising her, Sarah, it's just so evident. She's smart and grounded and kind. Look how she's already bonded with her sisters. I would have never thought of reaching out to you, and I would have denied my daughters an opportunity to know their flesh and blood. I'm just so grateful..."
By this time, they were both crying. The sisters finally took notice and turned around to observe. Elise stood with a puzzled look on her face, her little dimpled hands on her hips as if she wanted to say something but didn't know what. Abby rolled her eyes in classic fashion as if to say, "Silly grownups," and Emma giggled. Then Sarah started laughing too and Matt joined in. I would have never pictured us standing in the Smithsonian hearing Abby's father tell me what a wonderful mother I had been to our daughter, his face full of regret, apology and hope. No matter how carefully you plan things out, how intuitive you are or how clear your vision is for the future, life is still full of surprises. Good ones and bad ones.
The line was beginning to move into the room that housed the famous American flag and some space opened up between Matt and Sarah and the girls. "I have to admit," she finally said once the girls’ attention had shifted back to their entertainment. "I was really resistant to the idea of Abby finding you. She wouldn't have been able to do it till next year if I'd had my way, but she pried your contact information out of my mother. Now I can see it was a really good thing for her. She's growing up so fast, changing and maturing, and I think knowing this other part of her heritage will help ground her. Plus she is forging new relationships with you and her sisters that will enrich her life in the years to come. I’m really happy for her.”
Matt nodded. "I couldn't agree more. I'm so glad we did this," he said. "I hate that we're so far away though. Would you consider letting Abby come to visit us in Colorado this summer?"
Sarah bristled even though she was expecting a request of that nature to crop up eventually. She already knew Owen would likely be returning to Colorado, this time with Rachel as she made her way out to introduce Amethyst to her family. What would it be like for both of my children to be gone at the same time? To be childless for a couple of weeks? I can't even fathom it. They've been the constant. For seventeen years, I've been, above all else, a mother. "We can discuss it," she answered in a businesslike tone.
Matt nodded, satisfied with her consideration. "Good." He squeezed Sarah's hand in his again. "That last day I saw you...at commencement...seventeen years ago, I thought it would be the last time. I remember feeling sorry for you, all huge and pregnant. I had convinced myself that you’d gotten yourself into a bad situation and it had nothing to do with me, that I bore no responsibility whatsoever. I was so stupid and immature, Sarah. I hope you can forgive me someday."
"You know what, Matt?" Sarah locked her brown eyes with his blue-green ones. "I couldn't harbor that kind of anger for seventeen years. What kind of mother would I have been? I wanted to immerse Abby in love, not bitterness or resentment. I forgave you a long time ago."
***
Unlike their first meeting, this time Sarah was the one waiting and James was late. She sat at the little wooden cafe table, one leg crossed over the other and bouncing up and down nervously. Butterflies in her stomach didn't seem to do the sensation justice. It felt like butterflies, flying down the hill of a roller coaster, and a fainting spell all happening simultaneously. Her lungs were compressed, fingers trembling and her head was starting to throb with an impending headache. Great, this is just perfect, why can't I get myself together? she screamed inside her head. Meeting in public was a terrible idea, she realized. I feel like people are staring at me like I'm some sort of lunatic. She sent Rachel a text: He's late.
She texted back: He'll be there. Just chill the fuck out, Lovechop!
Sarah replied: Easy for you to say.
And then: Honey, you will be fine. Let me know how it goes.
Sarah was still glancing down at her phone when she felt his presence beside her. Her eyes automatically shifted up exactly to where she knew his would be. Her heart was racing. Her knees felt so shaky she was afraid she wouldn't be able to stand, but she managed and suddenly she was in his arms, feeling his warmth surround her, the muscles of his chest pressing into her. She heard him breathe in deeply, smelling her hair as it brushed against his chin. And then they were separate again, just like that. She felt a gulf of cold air sweep up between them as he took the seat across from her.
She studied him before her mind was able to coherently articulate any thoughts. His face was thinner, his body and muscles more defined and compact, as if he'd been tightened down like a bolt. His eyes were impossibly blue against his tan skin, his hair cropped shorter than she'd ever seen it. His jawline was smoothly shaven without a trace of stubble. He looked even more like G.I. Joe now than he had the first time they'd met. G.I. James, she mused as she recalled assigning him that nickname the night they first met.
He was studying her just as closely. She looks thinner, more toned, he noted, her hair is longer. Her skin is still so pale and creamy, like a white rose. And her eyes...such an endless deep brown...constantly radiating warmth, like two tiny flames. He shifted in his seat and glanced down at the floor for a moment as if he needed a respite from her image to reset his mind. Why is it I've been back in Maryland for two months, but now, seeing her, I finally feel like I'm home?
"So I guess one of us should say something, huh?" she finally broke the silence.
He smirked, "I'm sorry, I..." his voice trailed off. I wasn't expecting to have this physical response to you, he thought, but wasn't able to say it.
She smiled, "Don't apologize. Maybe things would have been less awkward if I hadn't made you wait so long to see me," she theorized.
"No, no," he shook his head, "this isn't awkward. It's just...long overdue." He grinned now as if he had finally been able to harness his composure. "So, how did the meeting go with Abby's father? I know she was nervous."
Good topic, she cheered. Perfect. Safe. "Oh, it was wonderful! I was really pleasantly surprised at how kind Matt was, and his daughters were just plain adorable. I really don't think it could have gone much better."
"I'm so glad to hear that," he replied. "I haven't had a chance to talk to Abby yet, but I'm sure I'll hear about it soon." He cleared his throat. "Does it bother you that she and I talk?"
"No," she answered without hesitation. "Not at all." She shrugged her shoulders and shook her long mane of wavy dark hair back behind her neck. "Okay, it might have a little at first, but I'm good with it now. Grateful actually. Because I know you've given her good, solid advice." She watched his cheeks begin to faintly glow. If I didn't know him better, I’d almost believe he’s flushing at my praise.
"Good, good," he said humbly. "She is a special girl. I've enjoyed getting to know her, and it was nice to know someone else was thinking about me when I was away.”
I'm having a hard time staying in the present, Sarah chided herself, I keep envisioning him on top of me. She shifted her gaze over to the red plaid curtains framing the window beside the
m. The late afternoon sun was streaming through the tinted glass and bathing the table in golden light. What the fuck am I doing here? This is too hard. “Do you want to get coffee?” her Auto-Pilot kicked in. This is about perseverance now.
"I'm think I’m going to get a smoothie," he decided and they both walked to the counter to order. I can't believe it's been over a year and a half since we did this the first time, he thought, watching the way her hips swayed when she walked. She was wearing white capri pants and a black shirt. He could almost make out the line of her panties. I should not be looking at her like that. Damn it. What’s wrong with me?
She saw a guilty expression flash across his face when she turned back and knew instantly what had transpired. "How are things with Maggie?" she asked, knowing he'd have a moment to formulate his response because it was her turn to order.
He waited for her to finish, placed his order for a strawberry-mango smoothie and then paid for both drinks. "Maggie is fine," he said neutrally. "She's in wedding planning mode. We set a date."
Sarah felt her face drain of color. Why do I care? her mind wrestled with her heart, but she knew it was a losing battle for both sides. I assumed they already had a date, so why does hearing that confirmed suddenly make me want to vomit? Damn it.
"Oh?" she choked out.
"Yeah, not till next June though," he answered. "We want to give my mom plenty of time to recover and grow her hair back and stuff. And Maggie is really going all out...so she needs time to get everything together."
Sarah’s eyebrow raised, "Really? I thought this was her second marriage?"
"It is," James confirmed. "But she eloped in Vegas the first time so she didn't do the big church wedding. Now she wants her dream wedding. It'll be a huge Catholic mass and all that." He shrugged his shoulders as if he didn't get the reasoning behind it; he was just along for the ride.
"Got it," Sarah replied. "Well, that sounds nice." What the fuck else do you say to your ex-boyfriend about his wedding? It's time for another topic change. "Rachel sends her best," she offered.
He retrieved their drinks from the counter and she followed him back to the table they'd originally occupied. She took a sip of her frappé and pulled out her phone to show James pictures of Baby Amethyst.
"Wow, look at all that hair!" he exclaimed. "Cute baby! My sister's baby just did get hair." He laughed. "How's Owen doing?"
"Oh, he's great. He's got a couple of fun camps coming up this summer and he's going to go see his dad in Colorado in July. Abby will probably go out and see her dad too. I guess we'll be making more trips out west now," she guessed. "Can't complain about that. I love going back home."
"I bet," James agreed. "I hope I'm able to go back soon. I miss the mountains."
"I always miss the mountains," Sarah sighed just before her face lit up with excitement. "Oh yeah! My tattoo! Do you want to see it?"
He nodded. "Of course I do." He watched her turn her foot so that the side of her ankle was exposed to him. Right above her ankle bone was a pair of mountains, the one on the right slightly taller, with a stream rushing through the cleft in between the peaks. “Wow, it's really well done," he said. "The colors are vivid. I like it,” he approved.
"Thanks," Sarah replied. "Garrett has a ton of tattoos and hooked me up with his favorite artist. I'm pleased with it. He wants me to get another, a bigger one, on my hip but I'm not sure yet."
James stiffened at the sound of Garrett's name. "Oh?" he tried to sound neutral. "So how are things going with you two?" I think she’s dated him for about as long as she dated me, he thought. Maybe longer now.
She tentatively played out a few responses in her mind, trying to determine the most strategic answer, but quickly became irritated with herself for wanting to spin the truth at all. What’s the point of that? It won’t do a damn bit of good. "Oh, things are fine. We're in that show this summer and we both have leads so we're at practice nearly every night."
"Oh, that's right," he remembered. "Chess? Isn't that what it's called?" Wow, can’t believe I pulled that out of my ass, he thought, impressed with himself. See, I am a good listener after all! Despite what Maggie thinks.
Sarah nodded. "Yes, it's in late June, just over a month away."
“Wonderful. Well, I'd like to come see it," he said boldly.
Sarah felt a smile creep across her face, and then a rush of tingles permeated her nerve endings. Knowing James is in the audience will most certainly freak me out, she realized. She fidgeted in her seat, uncrossing her right leg over her left and placing her left leg over her right instead. The wooden chair was starting to feel hard against her backside.
"So does Garrett know you're having coffee with me?" he asked.
"Of course," Sarah fired back. "Does Maggie?"
He nodded so slowly that she couldn't tell whether he was lying. "So he knows about me? He doesn't care if you see me?"
He seems way more interested in knowing about our relationship than I thought he'd be.
I wasn't expecting this line of questioning, she thought. "Not at all," she answered. "We're in an open relationship. He sees others too. We're totally up front about it."
"Ah, I see," he replied, forcing a smile and remembering all of Sarah’s lectures about communication and transparency. "And that's working out well?"
"Sure is," Sarah replied pleasantly, trying not to sound defensive. You could have had that with me too, she thought of telling him but knew she wouldn't. Or couldn't.
He placed his hand on top of hers in the middle of the table. "I'm happy for you, Sarah," he said softly. And I am, he told himself. We have both moved on. We wanted different things and we found them. There's no reason for bitterness. Or jealousy.
"Thanks, James," she replied, surprised to hear him say those words, as if he was conceding her to Garrett. Which is so not the way it went down, she smirked to herself. He gave me up. Pure and simple.
She wanted to tell him she was happy for him too, but she wasn't ready for that yet. Maybe by their wedding date I will be. Maybe I will be healed. Maybe I could sit in the pew and watch him wait for his bride to float down the cathedral aisle on a cloud of white, a long lace train trailing behind her. Maybe I’d have Garrett or some other man beside me, and I would be so strong that I could feel something other than a desperate sadness that I wasn’t the one wearing his ring.
There were a lot of maybes and nothing but an unwritten script stretched out before them.
***
Chapter Sixteen
Triangulation
The sky grew darker and the wind accelerated, howling like a pack of wolves through the cracks and crevices between the rocks. Clouds gathered, blanketing the valley in a heavy mist which hung like a silver shroud around the shoulders of the mountains. The emerald green wonderland I'd seen an hour or two before became concealed under thick layers of fog. I scan the horizon, seeing the peaks of all the mountains in the distance rising through the mist and suddenly wonder how I got here, on this mountain, being pursued by this mysterious figure in black. What did I do to him? The why behind it all had never occurred to me before. Why are we fighting? Is he coming back?
James awoke with a vague, groggy awareness that Maggie had already left the bed. The sheet was cool and smooth on her side, as if she'd been gone for a while. Oh, it's Sunday, he remembered. She has a 12 hour shift on Sundays. He felt disoriented and caught between reality and the dream world he’d just escaped as he swung his legs over the side of the bed, aiming them toward the floor.
What time is it? he wondered, but his vision had not quite come into focus enough to learn the answer. I can't believe I had another one of those damn dreams, he thought, reflecting on the last hour of fitful sleep he'd had climbing mountains. I thought those were just an Afghanistan thing...but I guess not.
He stretched his arms above his head, feeling his muscles lengthen and burn. His mind turned to the yard work he had wanted to accomplish, but a quick glance outside confirmed what he'd alre
ady been hearing: rain beating down on the roof and trickling down the window panes. Guess I'll see what I can do inside today. I'll make dinner I suppose. Maggie will be hungry when she gets home.
Shit, he thought, finally able to focus on the big green numbers of his alarm clock which revealed it was earlier than he’d anticipated. It's only 5:49 AM. On a Sunday morning. Fuck that, I should just go back to bed. He collapsed onto the mattress, his head sinking into the pillow underneath him. He reached between his legs and realized his cock was hard and throbbing, his balls tight and aching. It had been another week since he and Maggie had had sex.
He remembered the time in Afghanistan that he'd started off thinking about Maggie while he was masturbating, but by the time he came, it was Sarah's face he was imagining instead. This morning as he wrapped his fingers around his erection and began to stroke his hand up and down slowly from base to tip there was no pretense. He was thinking about Sarah in those white capris she’d been wearing when they’d met for coffee earlier in the week.
***
Dear Sarah,
Please forgive the brevity of this email, but I just wanted you to know that I will do everything in my power to get you a fellowship here! I’ll be sending you another email momentarily in which I will CC the chair of our Sociology department. Of course, I will tell her how brilliant, innovative and extraordinary you are and that she’d be a fool not to consider bringing you over for a year or even permanently! (You can’t blame me for trying.)
The Mountains Trilogy (Boxed Set) Page 59
