“He hasn’t forbidden you to contact them, has he?”
“No, but Emma doesn’t have her own phone yet. I’m not sure how else I would communicate except through him.”
“Give it some time,” Sarah said, imagining the advice her consummately wise mother would give. “In a few weeks or maybe months, your father will realize what a hole there is in his life – in his daughters’ lives – without you. He’ll apologize and ask you back. He won’t ever condone your choices, but he won’t want to cut you out.”
“But what’s the point if I can’t be myself around them? If I can’t bring my girlfriend to family functions?”
Sarah could see that Abby’s voice was starting to tremble with emotion. She could see it filling her turquoise eyes. She hated, hated, hated that her daughter felt so conflicted. It’s an eternal struggle, isn’t it? Trying to live your truth and still make everyone you love happy. Sometimes there’s no way to do both.
“I wish I had an easy answer for you, Abigail,” Sarah said with love on her lips. “Ultimately, you have to strike a balance between protecting your heart and loving those who can’t be ‘all in’ for you. In the beginning with James, I can’t tell you how bad my heart ached knowing that he wasn’t and couldn’t be ‘all in.’ He came around eventually. I hope your dad will too.”
She watched her daughter soak in her words of wisdom. Some of the best and worst moments of motherhood are the ones when you teach your child the innumerable ways in which life is not fair, she thought.
“I just hate that bullshit ‘I love you, but I don’t agree with you.’ They have to rub it in your face. I know I’m going to hear that a million times if I keep going over there. It’s like I should feel privileged his love is so awesome that it can overlook all my unforgiveable wrongs.”
Sarah nodded. “They have to tell you that because they think if they don’t say it, they’re somehow culpable for your choices. They want to be sure that your choices aren’t a reflection on them. It’s messed up.”
“It’s not a choice. It’s just the way I’m made. And it has nothing to do with my dad, or with you, or with my brother or sisters. It’s about ME!”
“Preaching to the choir, my dear,” Sarah smiled. “Trust me, I thank my lucky stars every day that I have a mother who loves me unconditionally and supports me no matter what I decide to do with my life.”
Abby felt her eyes begin to sting with tears as the realization of her own blessings wrapped around her. “Me too,” she blubbered. “I’m lucky too. Why do you think I wanted to come home so bad? I needed my Mom!”
That was music to Sarah’s ears. She wrapped her arms around her firstborn and whispered into her ear, “It will get better. Just be you. Anyone who can’t accept you for who you are is missing out on having an incredibly strong, brave, smart, compassionate woman in their life.”
***
Chapter Fourteen
Betrayal
It’s late afternoon and the skies are darkening. One of those situations where you can’t tell if the sun is setting in a cloudy sky or if it’s getting ready to thunderstorm. I’ve set up my tent in the area deemed acceptable by the ranger and I’m trying to settle in, bracing myself for rain. I have neighbors on either side of my tent, and I hear them snickering about me as they hang clothes on a line to dry a few feet away.
I zip myself in my tent and realize it’s too dark to read the book I brought. So I flick on my flashlight and aim it toward the yellowing pages of the ancient paperback that had formerly belonged to my mother. I can’t concentrate. The neighbors are getting louder and I feel alone and restless and as if the impending storm is going to take a toll.
Abby awoke from her camping dream with a start. Why do I keep dreaming about camping? I haven’t even been camping since that night with our friends on the beach. The night with Bree. She rolled over into the empty space of the bed usually occupied by Mia.
She must have actually gone to her eight o’clock class, Abby concluded. Mia had missed so many classes that semester, Abby was afraid she might flunk out. They only had two more weeks until finals, so she was hoping that she was trying to get her act together.
The sunlight was streaming through the blinds and landing in stripes on the bed. It looked like the perfect place for a cat to bask if only they had a cat. The roommate’s dog also seemed to be MIA, so Abby assumed he’d been put into his kennel while everyone was out.
Abby walked the few blocks to campus from Mia’s apartment. She hadn’t visited her dorm room for a week. Maddy kept texting her, asking when they were going to have lunch. Abby had been promising her for almost a month. They only saw each other in their poli sci class, the only one they had together.
It’s not just me who has been pre-occupied, Abby thought. Maddy had a boyfriend now, some guy named Dylan she hadn’t yet met. She texted Maddy to ask if she was available for lunch after class. I could have lunch with her, then go check on my room and grab some more clothes before I head back to Mia’s. She thought her father might be perturbed if he knew he was paying for a dorm room that she never used, but considering that they hadn’t spoken in two weeks, she couldn’t summon enough will to care.
I guess that means he won’t be paying for school next year, she suddenly thought. That was one consequence of their disagreement she had not previously considered. I guess Mom will have to help me out. I hope it doesn’t mean I’ll have to transfer back to Maryland, where I could go for free.
But really, if I’m not speaking to my father, what is the point of me being out here? She asked herself as she swung the big glass door to Columbine Hall open. Mia, I suppose. I suppose I would stay for Mia.
***
Sarah had always been enamored by the way spring gradually crept into Maryland as if it were sneaking up on tiptoe. First there were the slight hints of yellow-green emerging from tree branches, so subtle it might be imagined. A solitary robin would be seen pecking at the grass, leaving one to wonder if it was a mirage. Then one morning, a glance outside revealed trees in full, white bloom with pink tulips dancing in the breeze. The world looked like a fairy had waved a magic wand overnight.
The sunshine and warmer temperatures had done a lot to lift Sarah’s spirits. And, strangely enough, so did her constant bouts with morning sickness. In this early part of pregnancy, there weren’t too many indicators that things were progressing normally. But Dr. Kapoor had assured her morning sickness was a positive sign her body was responding to healthy levels of pregnancy hormones. Thus, Sarah embraced it as a good omen. She seemed to start each day with a prayer to the porcelain god, then she would brush her teeth while she thanked the pregnancy gods that all remained well.
Rachel and Jack were talking about having another baby. Rachel was two years younger than Sarah and had chosen not to get her tubes tied after Amethyst’s birth. “Even though it’s a pain in the butt with the lifestyle,” she had complained. “You never know, Jack might want to try for a boy. Wouldn’t it be fun to be pregnant together again?”
A mere seven weeks along, Sarah could only think of the incredible pain it would cause her if she lost this baby and then had to watch her best friend carry a perfectly healthy baby to term. What a terribly selfish thought, she chided herself. She had just smiled at Rachel, keeping any opinion she had on the matter private. Rachel and Jack would do what was best for them, regardless of Sarah’s feelings, and that was as it should be. Sarah was just relieved that their marriage seemed to be back on track thanks to their sessions with her friend Dr. McCarty.
Dr. McCarty had also been a godsend for her and James’s marriage. What came out of their many discussions was that James wanted to explore the poly lifestyle that Sarah had enjoyed before she met him. He felt stifled and as though Sarah didn’t trust him enough to let him pursue it.
“How can I trust you when you’re setting up accounts on AdultFriendFinder behind my back?” Sarah had lashed out.
Dr. McCarty suggested that James had felt unabl
e to approach Sarah with the idea, and that was what led to him keeping his account a secret. “She’s right,” James had agreed. “Even though I know it was wrong. I should have felt comfortable coming to you to discuss it first.”
It was difficult for Sarah to hear. She had always prided herself on being reasonable and open-minded, on fostering relationships built on mutual trust, respect and communication. James told her during one of their therapy sessions that he felt like after they were finally together, Sarah had become possessive of him.
Her heart felt pierced. “I don’t know how you can say that!” she hurled words back at him, on the verge of tears.
“As soon as we were actually together, we immediately closed up our relationship. We went from sharing each other, both together and separately, to strict monogamy. And you didn’t seem like you wanted to share me anymore.”
She couldn’t argue. It had all happened so fast. One moment Sarah was driving to North Carolina and giving James the chance he asked for. The next minute, he was on bended knee proposing, and just months after that, they were back in North Carolina exchanging vows. After that, they were busy learning how to live with each other, how to deal with each other’s idiosyncrasies. There had been no discussion of adding others until Rachel and Jack’s party around the time of their first anniversary.
Sarah had been devastated by James’s admission, and Dr. McCarty picked up on it right away. “James, Sarah seems very surprised that you feel this way. Did you ever tell her you wanted to open your relationship back up?”
Sarah’s dark eyes were impossibly round and expectant as she waited for his response. But instead of addressing the question, he went on another tangent. “Since I started talking to Vanessa, you’re always looking at my phone, trying to read over my shoulder. And I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve checked AFF to see if my account has been re-activated.”
“What?!” she exclaimed, incredulous and beginning to quake with distress. “You lied to me about her, not once but twice! I guess I’m afraid that I’m on the verge of finding out about lie number three!”
“So is that the case, Sarah? Do you feel like you’re having a hard time trusting James now?” Dr. McCarty asked. Sarah wondered how she could stay completely neutral and monotone when emotions were running so high in her office. She must be immune to drama, Sarah thought. Must be nice.
“Yeah, I think it’s fair to say I’m having a hard time trusting James. And, to be honest, I’ve wondered what all has gone down on his other work trips. He goes away for work all the time, for days or even weeks. He was gone when I…I miscarried…” she stammered. Just saying that word made her eyes explode with tears.
Miscarriage was a loss like no other. You think you have dealt with it, Sarah reflected. You think you’ve cried your very last tear. You’ve reconciled it, stopped blaming yourself, and realized it just wasn’t meant to be. Then you discover so much emotion is intertwined with it, so wrapped around and tangled together that you can’t separate it from anything else. It refuses to be a singular occurrence that you shove to the back of your mind where you hope to forget it ever happened. It creeps back up when you least expect it, and then you realize it is embedded in every single facet of your life. You can’t just brush it aside.
“James, this is a safe place, and one where we only speak the truth, even if it may be hurtful. We do our best to mitigate that hurt by being kind and gentle, but we don’t hesitate to speak it,” Dr. McCarty reminded him. “So, I want to ask you, have you ever cheated on Sarah or given her any reason not to trust you…except for the things she already knows regarding the adult site and Vanessa?”
James solemnly shook his head and locked his blue eyes onto Sarah’s brown ones. “Of course not. I want you to be able to trust me again. I want to be worthy of your trust, of earning it back.”
“Sarah, what can James do to repair your trust in him?”
She dabbed at her leaky eyes with a tissue she’d been holding since they first arrived in Dr. McCarty’s office. “I just want the truth from here on out. If you want to be with someone else, I just want you to tell me. No sneaking around because you’re too afraid to confront me.”
And that was when James confessed: “I really want to sleep with Vanessa.”
***
Abby paid for her lunch and followed Maddy over to a table near windows which looked out on gradually brightening skies. The clouds that had shrouded the mountains in the morning were finally lifting, revealing pockets of intense blue between the drifts of white. “It feels like it’s been forever since we’ve done this!” Abby shared as she took a seat.
Maddy was still mousy, but there was something different about her: she was more conscious, more aware. Abby detected a worldly vibe and instantly recognized the change. This is a girl who is getting laid, she thought with a smirk. We both seem years older because we’re getting some regularly. Go us! She wasn’t sure Maddy would feel as victorious as Abby did. Sometimes Maddy is way too serious about things.
“Ready for the poli sci test on Friday?” she asked.
Surely we aren’t going to talk about school, Abby thought, dismayed. She was hoping for some juicy discussion. It had been so long since she’d had anyone to talk to about Mia. Sometimes she called Adam to chat, but she wouldn’t discuss anything overtly sexual with him. After all, what would her gay uncle know about having sex with girls?
Maddy wasn’t gay, of course, but at least she was a girl. And she was one of the few friends Abby had who knew about her being gay and didn’t seem to mind. Chloe had hardly been in touch since meeting Mia back in December. And most of her other high school friends seemed to be adrift on the seas of new adulthood.
Abby shrugged. “I have to cram for it, but yeah I think it’ll be okay. His tests are pretty easy if you’ve been in lecture.”
Maddy nodded in agreement. “Everything okay with you and Mia?”
“Yeah, why?” Abby asked, eyebrow raised and a sudden feeling of anxiety stinging at her nerves. She had expected Maddy to immediately throw Dylan’s name into the conversation.
Maddy smiled nervously and Abby noticed for the first time how crooked her bottom teeth were. She cracked her lips to speak, hesitated for a moment and then continued: “It’s probably nothing, but I saw Mia with a guy when I went to the movies with Dylan last week.”
“You saw her at the movies with a guy?” Abby repeated, the anxious feeling now taking over her whole body, causing the hair on her arms to prickle with panic.
“Yeah, does she have any guy friends she is really close to? He had his arm around her,” Maddy said as if she hoped it was something that her friend already knew about.
“Was he black?” Abby inquired, thinking perhaps she and Marcus had gone to the movies after one of their shifts ended. She remembered one night the week before when Mia had come home late and Abby was already asleep. She’d never asked why, just assumed they’d had a busy night at the restaurant and it took longer to clean up than usual.
Mia had promised Abby that she wouldn’t do anything with Marcus without Abby there to join in. They hadn’t gotten together again since the one night, but Abby wasn’t opposed to a repeat performance. Maybe she could finally answer the question of whether or not she could handle Marcus?
Maddy shook her head. “No, it was a white guy.” “So, is it a problem? Did you know about it?” she pressed.
“It might have been her roommate,” Abby theorized. “I’m sure it was no big deal. Were they kissing or anything?”
“No, no, nothing like that,” Maddy assured her. “He just had his arm around her, that’s all.”
Abby shrugged. “Well, thanks for letting me know. So all is well with you and Dylan?”
“Oh, yes! He is such a sweetie. He sends me a text every morning and every night. ‘Good morning, beautiful!’ every day at seven A.M. on the nose. ‘Good night, beautiful!’ every night around midnight, unless we’re together of course,” she said with a sheepish g
rin.
“Sounds romantic,” Abby smirked. Mia didn’t send romantic texts.
“How’s your family?”
Loaded question. “Well, my mom just found out she’s pregnant again, so, obviously we’re hoping for a better outcome this time.”
“Yeah, that was so sad when she lost the twins,” Maddy said.
“My Uncle Adam is getting married in Seattle in July so I’ll be there for that. I’m super excited! My grandmother is doing way better after her surgery, so we’re all glad about that.” She paused for a moment as she switched gears to the other side of the family. “On another note: I told my dad that I’m gay, and he hasn’t spoken to me since.”
“Whoa!” Maddy’s eyes were bugging out with a mixture of surprise and sympathy. “How long ago was that?”
“A couple of weeks now. I haven’t tried to talk to him since the night I told him. It’s the longest I’ve gone without seeing my sisters since I started school, so I’m not sure what they think.”
“Maybe you should reach out?” Maddy suggested.
“I’ve thought about it,” Abby admitted. “But I’m afraid of rejection, I guess. I thought it would be better to let him come to me.”
“Good luck with that!” Maddy exclaimed.
Walking to her dorm room, Abby felt a chill in the spring air that she hadn’t noticed earlier in the day. The clouds had held in the heat that was now escaping through the patches of blue. She thought back to Maddy’s questions about Mia at the movies with some unknown white guy. Who could it have been? Why didn’t she tell me? Abby thought about whether or not she should say something when they were reunited that evening. Things had been smooth and even-keeled for several weeks, and Mia seemed happy and more dedicated to finishing up classes for the semester. She had even been picking up after herself.
The Mountains Trilogy (Boxed Set) Page 89
