“But the part that was outrageous wasn’t what they did or that they wanted to share,” she said. “I read your book over Spring Break, Dr. McAllister.”
Sarah felt such a huge lump in her throat; she wasn’t sure she could choke out any words. She managed to ask, “And?”
“Well, you wrote about promiscuity among college students, how it’s pretty much the norm. And how girls are either taught they won’t be popular if they don’t put out, or that they’re sluts if they do. Basically, they can’t win either way. Women aren’t taught to respect their bodies; they’re taught to let themselves be objectified.”
“True,” Sarah agreed, fascinated to hear her book synthesized through the eyes of someone like Esther Thompson, who nine months ago wouldn’t even participate in a class where the research topic was sex. Then she went and read a whole book about it? It was unbelievable.
“I thought I was so much better than them,” Esther continued. “I judged them. I slut-shamed them. Yeah, I read that chapter too!” She laughed. “I didn’t even know that term existed!”
Sarah was still incredulous that these words were flying out of her student’s mouth, and with so much conviction. She always hoped her research would be ground breaking, but this was a level she had never imagined achieving.
“I realized something between the interviews I conducted, the articles I read, and your book. I always thought my faith taught respect for women, that we were taught our bodies are special and should only be given to our husbands.”
Sarah watched Esther twirl a silver filigree band around her ring finger. She didn’t seem nervous, so Sarah wasn’t sure why she was playing with the ring. Then she slid it off her finger and placed it on Sarah’s desk. She noticed it had an engraving on the inside.
“Do you know what this is?” Esther asked her.
“A ring?”
“A purity ring,” Esther answered. “My father gave it to me when I turned fourteen. It was the night of my Purity Ball. I wore a beautiful green taffeta dress with a huge crinoline underneath it, and he took me to this dance in the multi-purpose room of our church. There, along with about thirty other teenage girls in my congregation, I pledged to remain a virgin until I married. And my father pledged to protect and defend my virginity.”
Sarah had heard of such a practice, but had never met anyone who lived it. She had a feeling she knew the direction their conversation was leading. There was a chapter in her book about the disconnect many college students feel between their faith and their sexual behavior. It outlined some of the differences between biblical and modern culture that most religions had not yet reconciled.
“I didn’t get it back then,” she admitted. “I thought it was awesome and I was special. I got to wear this gorgeous dress and I got a beautiful ring. My brothers didn’t get anything special. But then again, my parents overlooked them coming home late and reeking of alcohol when they were seventeen. Still, I believed my faith celebrated women. We were put on a pedestal as they groomed us to be mothers of the next generation of disciples.”
Sarah was amazed. She could imparted this information to Esther during their many meetings of the fall semester, but it would have fallen on deaf ears. Esther had to research, to learn for herself.
“But I finally realized that I’m in charge of my own body – not my father, and not my future husband. I’m not saving myself because of some outdated patriarchal system that serves to oppress and subjugate women. Sex is supposed to be this awesome thing. I’m not saying it’s right to go out and do it with any guy you meet, but I think it’s wrong to be ashamed of our natural desires. And it’s wrong to be ashamed of our bodies.”
“I don’t know what to say, Esther. It sounds like you’ve had quite the epiphany!” Sarah exclaimed. “Have you told your parents your thoughts on this yet?”
She shook her head. “No. I know it’s not going to bode well for me. I’m still trying to decide what I am going to do. But I’m not wearing this ring anymore.” She pointed to the ring that still laid on Sarah’s desk.
“I want you to have it,” she said, pushing it toward Sarah.
“Oh, no, I couldn’t take it. I’m sure it’s valuable. If you don’t want it, maybe you could sell it,” Sarah suggested.
“No,” Esther was adamant. “Even if you just keep it right here on your desk, I want you to look at it and be reminded that you opened at least one student’s eyes.”
“I’m humbled, Esther. Thank you for coming to see me. I have thought about you a lot in the past few months!”
“Really? Why is that?”
“Well,” Sarah answered, not sure exactly what she wanted to disclose. “I had been thinking about what you said about motherhood being the highest calling for a woman. Do you still believe that?”
“I don’t know about highest, but I still believe it’s an extremely important role.”
“I have two children, a daughter in college, probably about your age; and a son who just started high school. But I just found out I’m expecting another baby. Can you believe it?”
“Wow! That’s incredible, Dr. McAllister! Congratulations!” Esther’s face was so animated that her cheeks flushed and her eyes brightened. She looked so lovely and free. Sarah could see a change in the way she carried herself. Even the way she sat in the chair. She wasn’t folded into herself, apologizing for her mere existence. She seemed to take up more space.
“Thank you so much,” Sarah answered. “We’re very excited. It will be my husband’s first child.”
“I need to run,” Esther said, looking at her watch and abruptly standing up. “I just couldn’t leave campus without telling you how much working with you one-on-one meant to me. I really appreciate everything you did for me. Best of luck with the baby! I am really happy for you.”
“It was my pleasure,” Sarah answered. As Esther hurried out the door, Sarah looked down at the silver ring. The engraving inside read: “PURITY.”
***
Abby was getting used to sleeping in her dorm room again. Her roommate had left over spring break, having taken over a lease off campus. She didn't want to wait until summer to move. Abby didn't miss her in the slightest, and being able to throw all of her clothes on the unused bed was a major bonus.
Spring had enraptured the Rocky Mountains, painting the landscape with blossoms and wispy white clouds in azure skies. Abby's life had gotten so quiet without Mia and without her father and sisters that she was grateful for the warm sun, melting snow, and the clear waters rushing through Manitou Springs. She climbed red rocks in Garden of the Gods, hiked in North Cheyenne Cañon, and took the cog rail to the top of Pike's Peak. She enjoyed all the touristy things she remembered doing with her family when she was growing up. She was pretty sure she saw the childhood ghosts of herself and Owen popping up where she least expected them. Most of all, she was reminded how much she loved the mountains, and how much they were a part of her, their very foundations rooted in her soul.
And, of course, she'd poured herself into her studies. She loved her journalism class and had been stopping by her professor's office hours to talk shop. Dr. Larkin was an outspoken, progressive woman in her fifties with cropped silver hair and a razor-sharp wit. She had found a lot of promise in Abby's writing and wasn't afraid to coach her on how to improve. She even offered Abby a position on the school newspaper staff, an invitation that freshmen rarely received.
"I just hope I'm back to school in the fall," Abby had said when she accepted the offer.
"Why wouldn't you be? You're a great student!"
"I had a falling out with my dad, and he was paying for my education. If my mom has to start paying, she'll probably want me to come home and go to Maryland where she teaches. I just really wanted to come to school out here because this is where I grew up and where my sisters are."
"Oh." Dr. Larkin looked disappointed. "I don't want to pry, but is everything going to be okay with your dad?"
Abby nodded while a tear for
med in the corner of her eye. She wanted to be strong and brave, but if she thought about her dad and Mia in the same moment, she was generally asking for a deluge of tears. "I've
had a rough semester," was all she would admit to.
"Do you have someone you can talk to? I know they have some great counselors at the Health Center," her professor suggested.
Abby nodded. But the truth was, other than her mother and Adam, she hadn't thought of speaking to anyone locally about the situation. She told her mother in person what happened with her father, and she briefly told her what happened with Mia over the phone. Sarah was angry about both situations. She reacts to these things like a Mama Bear, Abby thought. Not like the friend who will just listen and listen till you're blue in the face from hashing and rehashing things a million times.
Her mom had wanted to call Matt and give him a piece of her mind. Abby had begged her not to. "I need to see if he will reach out to me and apologize," she explained. "I need to see if he is genuinely sorry and wants to have a relationship with me. So far, it's looking like no. I left the ball in his court."
It was the conversation with Dr. Larkin that led Abby to her RA's door one night. She had never gotten to know Sam very well during the year, even though she seemed like a cool person. Sam’s voice from their very first floor meeting still echoed in her mind: "If you need anything - anything at all, even just to talk, please come see me. My door is always open" Her door boasted a little rainbow sticker identifying her as an LGBTQ Advocate.
Abby did find it slightly ironic that when she arrived, Sam’s door was, in fact, closed, but she knocked anyway. In addition to the rainbow sticker, Sam had a few cartoons hanging on her door from The Far Side and one from The Oatmeal. It seemed she had a penchant for animals and coffee. I'm down with that, Abby thought.
Sam answered the door after about thirty seconds. Her TV was blaring, but she turned it off as soon as she ushered Abby inside. "Hey, Abigail, what's up?"
How do I fill her in on everything that has happened to me this semester without becoming a sobbing, blubbering pile of goo? she wondered. She thought it was best to start slowly and simply with: "So, I came out this semester."
Sam didn't so much as bat an eye. She sat on the arm of her futon, her thick legs on either side as if it were a saddle. She wore baggy plaid shorts, a faded concert tee and still had her spiky lavender hair. Abby noticed a huge, brightly-colored koi fish tattoo on her calf as well.
Abby proceeded, "My mom and her side of the family is totally cool with it. She's a sociologist and sex researcher so we've always had a really open family. It's my dad’s side that has the problem. He lives out here, and the whole reason I wanted to go to school here is because he has two young daughters - my half-sisters - and I just recently met them. Long story. But I wanted to get to know them and sorta be a family with them, you know?"
Sam nodded. "So what happened when you told your dad?"
"He's very religious, so, of course, he said he loved me, but the Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I had specifically asked if I could bring my girlfriend over, and he claimed he didn't know what he would tell my sisters if I did that."
"Um, perhaps that she's your girlfriend?" Sam asked, rolling her eyes.
Abby smirked. "Exactly!"
"So then what happened?"
"I told him I had a feeling he'd respond that way. Then I left and haven't been back since. That was like six weeks ago now."
"You know what you should do?" Sam suggested, her gray-blue eyes narrowing into sly slits. "Just show up over there with your girlfriend. Make him deal with
it. I bet you he'd act like everything is 'peachy keen, jelly bean!' so he wouldn’t have to explain anything to your sisters!"
Abby laughed as she imagined the look on Bobbi's face if she carried out that plan. "Slight problem though, my girlfriend and I broke up shortly after the whole incident."
"Ah," Sam said. "Sorry to hear that."
"Yeah, she got knocked up," Abby shared, rolling her eyes dramatically.
"No shit?
"Yup," Abby nodded.
"Same thing happened to me last year. Kid you not. Dated this chick for about three months, and turned out she was pregnant the whole time. She was sort of in denial about the whole thing, which is why she didn't get an abortion. I think she thought if she became a lesbian, then she couldn't have kids? Hell, I don't know. It was fucked up, that's for sure!"
Abby smiled. She knew she would find a kindred spirit in Sam. "Well, mine must have fucked some guy behind my back because she was most assuredly not pregnant when we met. Otherwise she'd be having that baby just about now."
"That sucks. So you broke up with her?"
"I just left. Put my key on her kitchen counter and walked out. She texted me a couple of times, but I just ignored her."
"Wow, Abigail, you are hard core. I like that!"
"I'm not sure how she figured out I knew except that I moved the test stick I found from the trash to a drawer in the kitchen. This was after she gave me a big speech a few months ago about how bad she had been hurt in the past, and she just wanted me to promise to always be honest with her. Her last text said she was really sorry and she could explain. "
"Wow, I sure hope she wasn't raped..." Sam's voice trailed off as if she hadn’t quite been able to snag that thought and pull it back before it left her mouth.
Abby felt her skin begin to burn. She had never considered that possibility. Sam's smile faded as she realized she’d upset her young floor mate.
"I'm sure that's not what happened. But maybe you should ask? I mean, to make sure she got the medical and psychological help she needs."
"Yeah, I guess so," Abby murmured, but her mind was galloping a million miles an hour wondering if there could be any truth to Sam’s conjecture. She would have told me if she was raped, Abby felt certain. She wouldn't have kept that from me.
"So, question for you," Sam said, sensing it was time to change the subject. "Were you just gay for her...or do you think you're solely into girls?"
"I'm pretty sure I'm into girls. Mia was my second. Now that I'm single again, honestly, I haven't found myself looking at guys at all."
"Well, maybe you shouldn't be looking at anyone just yet," Sam suggested. "You know, just focus on yourself. Finals are next week and you'll be going home for the summer, right?"
Abby nodded. "Yeah, can't wait to see my family - my mom's side I mean."
Sam’s face grew very serious as if she were about to impart the most powerful wisdom in the universe: "You should go home and have a hot summer fling. Trust me on this. You will never regret it!"
Later that night, Abby logged into Whisper and sent out the following: They say people come into your life for a reason. I’m finding that to be so true. For better or worse.
***
"So, where is James this time?" Rachel asked as they pulled into the parking lot at Dr. Kapoor's office.
"Back to Texas for a few days," Sarah sighed. "Thanks for coming with me. This will hopefully be my final visit here."
"Oh, yeah? I know an ultrasound tech that's going to miss you a lot!" Rachel laughed. "So if everything is good, you'll start going to the regular OB then?"
"It's one that specializes in high-risk 'advanced maternal age' pregnancies such as myself. Ugh, I don't feel like I'm advanced age."
"How are things going with Vanessa?" she asked.
She found herself sighing again. If they were to award a medal for Olympic Sighing, I'm sure I would win gold, Sarah thought. "I guess really well. I only met her that one time, although James has been angling for a threesome, especially with his birthday rapidly approaching."
"And...would you be down with that?" Rachel asked. "She's a redhead, right? Your type?"
"She's a little...what’s the word…plastic-y? for my tastes. I don't know. She seems nice enough, but there is something slightly off about her. I mean, she seems to get the poly stuff and says she's respectful of our
marriage, but...I don't know. Maybe I'm just jealous and insecure. Wouldn't be the first time -- when it comes to James, I mean."
Dr. Kapoor's nurse, Hayley, called Sarah back into the exam room. Dr. Kapoor flew in moments later with his ubiquitous clipboard and Sarah's chart. Still shunning digital charts for paper, Sarah was relieved he was ahead of the curve on everything else.
She was also relieved by the big grin plastered on his face. "All your bloodwork looks great, Sarah! Once you start with the OB, they'll do an amnio around Week 15, so sometime next month."
She was finally starting to feel like she might truly have a baby at the end of this long, arduous journey. Seeing that Dr. Kapoor was so positive filled her with hope. There was something about a miscarriage that robbed the joy from subsequent pregnancies. While she felt grateful she’d been blissfully ignorant and able to fully enjoy her first two pregnancies, she wasn't sure she would ever completely let her guard down and enjoy being pregnant this time around.
"I want to have a listen with the doppler today and measure you, just to make sure everything is on track. If we aren’t able to hear anything today, we'll get Janet in here and rev up the ultrasound machine, okay?"
Sarah nodded. She laid back on the exam table, rolled down the waistband of her new maternity pants which were still a little roomy, and folded the bottom of her shirt to give Dr. Kapoor access to her abdomen. He wore the doppler on his belt like a cop would wear a gun. He squirted a bit of gel onto her stomach and whipped the probe off, catching it in his other hand like he was performing a trick.
Sarah and Rachel heard static as he searched for the baby's heartbeat. Sarah was sure her heart was galloping as fast as the baby's would be. She was so nervous, despite having an ultrasound only two weeks before. The past two weeks represented the same time span during which the twins had stopped developing. She hadn't been able to get the image of those tiny hearts stopping out of her mind. It haunted her.
She watched a huge smile spread across Dr. Kapoor's thin lips and his straight white teeth appear all in a row. She had never seen him grin so broadly. "There it is," he whispered and a steady sound like a
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