He saw her begin to collapse: her eyes grew dark and red, her skin splotchy and her lips quivering. She couldn't formulate any words; the onslaught of tears conveyed all her feelings succinctly. She turned
down a street toward campus, then suddenly jerked the car into the vacant parking lot of an elementary school that was out for the summer. Pawel pulled her body into his so that her head rested on his shoulder and the sobs began.
"Darling, you and James suffered a crisis...a trauma. You're out of sync. You're going to have to get synced up again. I hate to say it, but him being with Vanessa is only driving a bigger wedge between you. I know you want to be poly and so does he...but there comes a time that you have to put all your eggs in the most important basket. And right now that mean focusing on the two of you."
She nodded as the tears soaked into his shirt because she knew every word was true. She needed to tell James to make a decision, and she had known for some time that it was the correct course of action. But
she had been too afraid he wouldn't choose her.
***
Abby wanted to roll her eyes at the backstage romances that always cropped up during these community theater productions. Of course, she had once been an unknowing victim herself, and so had her mother: proof that it was all too easy to get sucked in.
She had been watching Garrett schmooze all over the girl playing Sheila, who was an undergraduate student at her mother's school. She had long, golden blonde hair and was sporting the perfect summer tan. Now, who does that remind us of? Abby thought to herself.
There were not any girls in the cast who appealed to her. Most were women her mother's age or older, or they were the sort of dippy, vacuous twenty-somethings that instantaneously spawned a splitting ache in her temples. They tried to talk to her in the beginning, probably an attempt to be inclusive, but Abby was sure she'd accidentally rolled her eyes or done something else that would be construed as stand-offish. She was not particularly adept at being fake nice.
The only person she had connected with was Landon. He was also a student at Maryland, though thankfully did not study sociology and thus did not know her mother. He was somewhat reserved, but every once in a while, he produced a zinger observation that busted through Abby's anti-social walls. She had taken to standing near him during the chorus scenes, and had even been paired with him for some of the choreography, although Xavier's creative vision involved breaking down traditional gender roles and pairing both opposite-sex and same-sex dance partners. She wasn’t sure which scenario made her more uneasy.
She shared very few personal details with her fellow castmates. They knew she went to college in Colorado and that her mother was a professor, but that was it. Sometimes she wished she could be the effervescent social butterfly like Rachel -- or even her mother when she was in the right frame of mind -- but no matter how badly she tried to groom herself for that role, she always chickened out when it came time to perform it. She had an inkling Landon was very much the same way, which is probably why they gravitated toward each other.
After practice he always walked her to her car. The parking lot was lit by an eerie greenish glow cast from the streetlights lining the back stretch of the perimeter. That night, a full moon competed with its silvery beams projected onto the pavement. Her mother’s car was awash in light, which at least made her feel safer about getting into it, but having Landon there was comforting too.
“I can’t believe they kept us so late tonight,” she complained as she pressed the button on the key fob to unlock the doors.
“Tell me about it. I have to be at work at eight!”
“Me too! I need to leave for campus no later than seven-thirty!” she commiserated.
“What did you say you were doing there this summer? I really should have tried to get a job on campus.”
“I’m working at the library,” she answered. “Normally they don’t hire non-UMD students but my mom pulled some strings. I’m helping the sociology librarian with a huge weeding and shifting project.”
“Weeding and shifting?” he asked with a smirk curling his lips. “I don’t even want to know what that means.”
“Oh, we have a whole secret library lingo,” Abby laughed. “I can check and see if anyone else is needed for the summer. I can’t believe it’s half over already. You know I’m going to Seattle the day after tomorrow, right? I’ll miss practice on Monday.”
“Oh,” he answered. “No, I guess I didn’t realize that. What’s in Seattle?”
“My uncle and his partner are getting married,” Abby revealed, waiting for his reaction to her using the word “partner.”
“Oh, is he gay?”
She didn’t detect judgment on his face…yet. Tread lightly, she thought. If you make a homophobic comment, I might haul off and punch you, she silently warned him. ”Yeah, he and Brandon have been together for two or three years now I think.”
“That’s cool,” Landon said. “Good for them!” His expression didn’t betray him. He seemed sincere.
Abby felt relief wash over her. She wondered if now was a good time to tell him that she was gay too. “I’m really excited for them.” She stalled, not knowing exactly how to phrase it.
“I’ll miss you next week,” he said, leaning closer to her.
She felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end, even in the warm, humid July night. She shifted into a shadow so he couldn’t see the glow on her cheeks. Why am I having such a physical reaction? He said he’d miss me. It’s not like he tried to kiss me…
But no sooner had she produced those thoughts had he chased her into the shadow, his hand caressing her cheek and drawing her toward his pursed lips. She pulled away before he could make contact.
“Oh, god, I’m sorry!” he stammered, realizing he had made a mistake. She watched him brush the back of his hands across his mouth as if he could wipe away the anticipation poised on his lips.
Goosebumps prickled her skin from her shoulders to her knees. “I – oh, Landon, I’m the one who’s sorry.” She crossed her arms over her chest protectively. “I like girls. God, I –“
“Oh!” he laughed. “Oh, wow, I had no idea!” He moved back into the light and she saw his brown eyes glowing with embarrassment.
“It’s okay,” she offered, gently touching his arm. “I was going to tell you…I just…I just didn’t know how…”
“I understand, and it’s okay.” He laughed again. “God, I’m kinda relieved it’s not because you just don’t like me! Is that bad?”
She joined in his laughter. “I really do like you, though,” she clarified. “Seriously, this show would suck without you.”
“Likewise,” he agreed. “So…no kiss, okay. Can I get a hug instead?”
She couldn’t prevent a wide smile from spreading across her face. She fell into his outstretched arms, feeling his strong body press into her. His slightly musky scent filled her nose as her cheeks smooshed against his chest. She wasn’t used to such a size discrepancy. She was four inches shorter than Mia, but nine inches shorter than Landon.
He held her there a little longer than what most would consider a friendly hug. But she didn’t resist. It felt good to have human contact, to feel her body against someone else’s. As she climbed into her car and drove off into the night, she couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if she hadn’t stopped that kiss.
***
Sarah hated that she would hardly get to see Pawel during his visit, but between sharing her car with Abby, trying to pack for the trip to Seattle, and one last doctor's appointment before they left, she was only able to devote a few hours to him. Afterwards, she rushed to Dr. Asaki’s office for an ultrasound to make sure the baby still looked good before she traversed the country. James was supposed to meet her there.
On her way, he texted to say he was running late, but he didn't give a reason. She didn't think very much about it, giving him the benefit of the doubt. I’m sure he’s gotten hung up at work, she thou
ght. His captain was quite demanding and a stickler for details, especially when it came to paperwork. Sarah envisioned him stuck in his office filling out leave forms and tying up loose ends so he could accompany her to Adam and Brandon's wedding in less than forty-eight hours. The Army always has their own agenda, she thought as she laid back on the exam table in the dimly lit room.
Dr. Asaki's ultrasound tech wasn't nearly as personable as Janet, but she was competent and precise as she prepared Sarah’s abdomen for the transducer. By the time the baby came into view on the screen, James still had not arrived. Sarah was having a hard time concentrating on the image, distracted by her wandering mind. "Everything look okay?" she finally asked the tech, who was quietly taking measurements.
"Oh, yes, it all looks perfect," she answered, her face still expressionless.
Kim, I think her name is, Sarah thought. “Great. Thank you, Kim. You’re doing a great job.” Positive reinforcement sometimes helps in these situations.
"Your baby is about one pound, three ounces according to my measurements, so that's right on track for twenty-two weeks. And you still don't want to know the gender, right?"
They'd managed to avoid learning the gender after the results of the amniocentesis came back. They’d narrowly dodged being told during at least four ultrasounds. Who knew it would be so much harder to avoid finding out the gender than to learn it? she mused. Part of her wanted to say yes, tell me, but she couldn't do it without James there to agree. He would be disappointed that it wasn't a surprise, she reflected. This surprise business is all for him. I hate surprises and would much rather know whether to buy pink or blue.
She peered at the skull and spine and the perfectly shaped bones as the baby wiggled inside her, which she could feel now too. Her pregnancy was very slowly crystallizing, becoming real to her. Each time she heard the heartbeat or saw the baby’s movements on the screen, she was one step closer to believing she was going to be a new mother again in just a few short months.
She left the office with no further word from James. She had originally planned to go back to her office to grab a few books she wanted to take on the trip, but she decided to go home instead. She sped down the interstate toward her house, repetitively glancing down at her phone to see if she'd received a new text. I should just call him, she thought. But if he's really in the middle of something, he won't answer, and then I'll feel even worse. It's just not like him to say he's going to be there and then not show up. Even if he's late.
She pulled into the driveway and went to unlock the back door. She glanced at her watch and suddenly remembered the reason she had planned to go back to campus was as much to pick Abby up from work as it was to collect reading material for the trip. "Oh my god, I'm such an idiot!" she said aloud. "What the hell is wrong with me?" She chalked it up to an extreme case of pregnancy brain and texted Abby to see if there was any way she could find a ride home or to play practice. Abby was originally supposed to drive Sarah back home, grab dinner, and then leave for play practice.
Sarah's head was starting to throb. She wanted to lie down, but she didn't want to miss a call or text from James or Abby. Why does everything have to be so complicated? she wondered. And how much worse is it going to be when the baby gets here? She had already planned on taking a leave of absence for the spring semester. She was due for a pre-tenure sabbatical and would be working on the research for another book, but after that? They hadn't planned quite that far in advance. It was hard for plan for something a year out when you weren't even sure how the next few months were going to go.
Abby texted back before James, to whom Sarah had sent another text upon arriving home. I can work late, but I don't have a way to get from campus to practice. Can you come get me at 7? her daughter asked.
It was 3:30 PM. Enough time for me to lie down and then go back for Abby, she calculated. Ok, no problem, she texted back. She pulled the sheet and comforter back and wearily climbed into bed.
I should be worried about James, but I'm just too tired, she thought as her eyes began to grow heavy. She nestled her face into the double stack of pillows and turned onto her left side, doctor's orders for getting the most oxygen to the baby. She felt herself surrender to sleep, which beckoned her like a siren singing from an
enchanted island in a misty green sea.
She heard some rumblings in the room what felt like minutes later and bolted awake to find James rifling through his drawers. "What are you doing?" she asked with surprising coherence.
"Packing," he answered.
"Where have you been? You missed our appointment today."
"I was busy," he replied curtly.
In a millisecond, she swung her legs out of the bed and onto the floor. Something about his response and tone struck her as very worrisome. "Busy doing what?" she pressed, trying to overcome her dizziness from getting up too fast. She felt herself swaying and
threatening to collapse back onto the bed.
"Jesus, Sarah, what the hell are you doing getting up so fast?" he shouted, rushing at her from across the room.
"You didn't show up to our appointment and now you won't tell me why!" She steadied herself and worked on getting upright again. "I'm sorry if I'm a little annoyed and concerned by that."
"Just work shit," James replied, always striving for an economy of words. "Don't worry about it. I'm trying to get my stuff packed so I can go back to work for a little bit. What time is our flight tomorrow?"
"It's at seven. Why do you have to go back in?"
"I left some stuff in the ROTC office and have to go back to get it," he explained as he took a stack of boxer briefs from the drawer and placed them next to a pile of socks and t-shirts he'd already collected. “And I have to meet with a student,” he added as if it were an afterthought.
"Oh," Sarah said, still trying to make sense of his timeline. "Oh, you're going to campus. That's great actually. Can you pick Abby up by seven and run her to play practice? I’m really not feeling well and would like to rest tonight before we leave."
"No, I cannot," he answered. "Sorry."
Now the hairs on the back of her neck were starting to prickle. She didn't understand why he was being so evasive. "What happened? Why are you being like this?" she demanded, the agitation evident in her
trembling voice.
"I have to meet with a student at 6:30," he answered. "I'll be back home by midnight." He turned to walk out of the room.
"Wait? Why midnight? Why would it take so long?" But he had already left. She pursued him down the hall. "What's going on, James?"
"Nothing is going on, Sarah," he said, turning to face her. His blue eyes were cold, hands on his hips, and although his tone was neutral, she sensed a slight patronizing air. "I'm just trying to earn a living, that's all."
"Why would you need to be out till midnight?"
"I need to take care of a few things before I leave tomorrow, that's all," he sighed. He zipped up the small black suitcase he'd placed on the bed in the guest room.
Then she knew. "You're going to see Vanessa." She meant it as a question, but it came out like an accusation.
He turned back to the suitcase, unzipped it, and shoved a few more pairs of socks inside, seemingly ignoring his wife's indictment. She watched the muscles in his back and arms moving as he worked; she could see them rippling under his shirt. She remembered when all she wanted to do was collapse in those arms and feel safe and protected. Now they only served as a reminder of how good things had once been between
them.
"It's not Friday," she pointed out, her voice terse.
"We aren't going to be here on Friday," he retorted. He gave her a brusque peck on the cheek and disappeared down the stairs. She heard his truck motor roar to life, then the rumbling faded into the hot summer afternoon as he took off down the street. She stood in the hallway, stunned. Did he miss the ultrasound because of her? she wondered. Was he so cold and short with me because he knew I wouldn't approve?
 
; She felt the earlier pain returning to her temples. Oh, he didn't think I would be here, she realized. He thought I would still be on campus. He thought he could avoid telling me at all, just put me off via text that something had come up at work. He was all prepared to just omit the part about Vanessa being involved, then realized he couldn’t. But lies of omission are still lies.
She proceeded in her zombie-like state down the stairs, the realization of what had just happened still reverberating through her mind. She felt as though a bomb had gone off in close proximity and she was experiencing the aftershocks. An analogy I am quite certain he could relate to, she thought.
She walked into the living room, her hand resting on her stomach. She felt the baby doing somersaults and other gymnastic maneuvers, and she wondered if her surge of adrenaline and whatever other chemicals were produced by anger, sadness and despair had agitated the tiny life inside her. She glanced over at a wedding photo on the fireplace mantle. There she stood in her ivory lace dress looking adoringly into James's eyes, and he was looking back at her, his face full of love and joy.
How did we lose that? What happened to those two people? I scarcely recognize them anymore.
***
Sarah left her house at 6:30, having fallen asleep again for two hours. The house was too quiet anyway, so she was grateful for a reason to leave. She thought about calling her mother to ask if she could stop by for dinner, but then reconsidered. Isn't 40 too old to invite yourself to your mom's house for a meal? she wondered. Besides, we'll be seeing each other tomorrow when we leave for Seattle. She was grateful her mother and Dale had made it onto the same flight as her, James and Abby. Safety in numbers, she thought. She could pretend everything was grand, although her mother would likely have a sneaking suspicion it was not.
Abby came bouncing down the steps of the staff entrance to the library. "You okay, Mom?" she asked as soon as she fastened her seatbelt.
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