“I thought I was such a good mom. I gave everything to my kids. I sacrificed a career to make sure they would get the best support they could. I helped them with their homework, and they got good grades.
“Instead of spending any money on clothes or makeup for myself, I used all of it to get them the best of everything. They were well fed and well dressed and never wanted for anything.
“After high school, I made sure they went to the best schools. My son went to Notre Dame, and my daughter went to Harvard. Cost was no issue for my kids to get the best education. I paid for their housing and food and transportation, even gave them an allowance, so they could dedicate themselves full time to their studies.
“Now I realize the error of my ways. I spoiled them.
“When I was fatally injured by a mugger, I knew I would not survive. Instead of going to the hospital, I went to a necromancer. I thought my kids couldn’t survive without me. Instead of resting in peace, I gave my afterlife away to provide for them.
“But they didn’t need me anymore. They are starting families of their own now.
“Nobody will hire a zombie. My husband divorced me and kicked me out of the house. I was left with nothing.
“So I went to my son. He refused to take me in. His wife, my daughter in law, doesn’t like me. He says I scare her. I asked for any sort of help, but he turned me away.
“Then I went to my daughter. She has a toddler now, but the father skipped out on her when she was pregnant. She took me in, but treated me as a housekeeper and baby sitter. I was expected to keep the house spotless and take care of her daughter while she went out partying all night. She usually didn’t come back until after three in the morning.
“When I complained, she said that I had to work for my room and board. I asked her to be a better example to her daughter, but she brushed me off like I didn’t know what I was talking about. After all I did for her, after all I sacrificed, she would treat both me and her daughter like that!
“I still kept at it for a little while. I got barely any rest at all. When I told her I needed a break, she would say, ‘It’s not like it will kill you.’
“Finally, I refused. I made up a list of the chores we should share, and a list of what I felt was fair for each of us to take on. I still gave myself most of the load, plus babysitting. But it wasn’t good enough for her, and she kicked me out.”
At this point, my jaw had been hanging open for most of her story. How disrespectful of her children! But perhaps she was right, she did spoil them too much. That didn’t keep me from feeling sorry for her.
“That’s why I’m here. I’m desperate. I know you have no reason to do anything for me, but I’m only asking for a little. Do you think you could take me to your mom’s? Perhaps she can help me get back on my feet.”
“No,” I said. She looked shocked.
“First, you’re staying here for dinner. We’re having steaks and I have enough for an extra person. We’ll set a place at the table for you.”
Her eyes were getting watery. “No, wait,” I said. “That’s not first. First, feel free to have a nice long hot bath. I have some clothes that I think will fit you. By the time you get out of the bath, supper will be ready.”
“Oh thank you,” she said. “That’s more than I can ask for.”
“After dinner, we’ll go out shopping and get you a few changes of clothes.”
“But the kids--” she interrupted.
I stopped her. “Their dad will be home soon. He can make sure they do their homework and put them to bed.”
After I refilled her coffee, I continued, “We have a spare bedroom. You can stay here as long as you need to. Tomorrow, you are welcome to call my mom. If you still want to go over there, I am happy to take you. But you are also welcome to stay with us.”
At this point, she was crying. “Aren’t you scared of me? Aren’t you afraid of having a zombie in your house while you sleep?”
“No, I’m not,” I said, and gave her a hug. “Zombie or no, you are my aunt, and a good person, and you deserve to be treated with respect.”
(back to TOC)
****
A Boy and His Dog
“Boney! Come here boy!”
Timmy just loved his dog. Boney was his best friend. Boney was named after the first toy they bought him when he was a puppy. Timmy got Boney when he was three, and the dog followed him everywhere.
Boney’s favorite toy was his first bone. It was plastic and squeaked when he bit it. He loved it when Timmy would throw his bone. Boney would run after it as quick as possible. He’d catch it in the air if he could. Then he’d trot back to Timmy to have him throw it again.
Timmy loved to take Boney to the park. His dog would walk nicely at his side on the leash until they got there. Then Timmy would unhook the leash, and Boney would run, run, run!
There were other dogs at the park too. Boney would play with his friends Spot, Blackie, Fido, and Rover. They could run and chase each other inside the fence at the dog park. And Timmy would play with his friends Sam, Jack, George, and Mikey.
Boney’s favorite game to play with the other dogs was Tag. They would all be It and just chase each other in circles around and around the dog park.
One day a new dog named Lily came to play with them. At first, she didn’t want to play Tag. She wanted to play Hide and Go Seek. But Spot didn’t want to play Hide and Go Seek. So Boney suggested they play Hide and Go Seek first, then switch to Tag. It was a good suggestion, because there weren’t many hiding spaces in the dog park. Then they all played Tag together and had fun.
Timmy and his friends played in the playground. They would climb the jungle gym, swing on the swings, and slide down the slide. But their favorite thing to play on was the merry-go-round. All the boys would get on and hold on tight. They would take turns running around the outside to get it spinning really fast, then jump on.
One day they met a girl named Jenny who was swinging on the swings. She asked Timmy, “Will you push me?”
Timmy said, “Sure!” And he pushed her in the swing until his friends arrived. Then he said, “We’re going to go play on the merry-go-round. Would you like to join us?”
Jenny said, “Sure!”
They all played together on the merry-go-round for the rest of the afternoon. Jenny even took a turn spinning the merry-go-round, and the boys agreed that Jenny spun the fastest.
Afterwards, Jenny said, “It’s getting dark. I have to go home now.”
Timmy said, “I should go home too. Where do you live?”
“That way,” Jenny said, and pointed in the same direction as Timmy’s house.
“Me too!” said Timmy. “Let me go get my dog, and we can walk home together.”
Timmy walked over to the dog park and called, “Boney, come here boy!” Boney ran over to Timmy at the gate and gave a friendly bark. “Ready to go home boy?” Timmy asked. Boney jumped up and down excitedly. Timmy opened the gate, and Boney ran out. The dog jumped on him and gave him a lick.
“Boney, this is Jenny,” said Timmy. Jenny reached down and scratched Boney behind his ears. Boney licked her hand.
The three of them walked out of the park and down the street. As they walked, Timmy and Jenny talked about school. Timmy learned that Jenny had just moved into town and that she would be in his class.
As they walked, Boney romped around them. He would run ahead, then run around them in circles, then wait behind and run ahead again.
Boney ran ahead when Timmy and Jenny were crossing the busy street. Boney didn’t look both ways before he crossed the street. He didn’t see the car coming at them very fast.
The car’s driver hit the brakes, made the tires screech, and turned to the left, but it wasn’t enough. The front bumper of the car hit Boney very hard. Boney fell to the ground and wasn’t moving.
“Boney!” Timmy cried. “Get up Boney!” But Boney didn’t move. Jenny helped Timmy carry Boney home.
“Mom! Dad!” Timmy
cried as he walked in the door. “There’s something wrong with Boney!”
Timmy’s mom and dad rushed into the room and looked at the dog. “He got hit by a car,” Timmy said. “He’s not dead, is he?”
“No, of course not,” said Timmy’s dad, but Timmy’s mom looked worried. “I will take him to the vet so he can get better.” Timmy’s dad put the dog in the car and drove away.
They were gone for many hours. Timmy went to bed, but he had a hard time sleeping without Boney by his side. Finally, in the early morning, right before the sun came up, Timmy heard his dad’s car in the driveway. He ran out to the kitchen.
Timmy’s dad came in the door. He said, “I thought you might still be up.”
“How is Boney?” asked Timmy.
“Ask him yourself,” said his dad, and held open the door.
Boney ran into the kitchen and gave Timmy a sloppy wet dog kiss.
“Be careful with Boney, he’s fragile now. But he’s going to be okay.”
Boney didn’t look so good. His fur was matted and had blood in it, he was walking with a limp, and he smelled funny. But Timmy didn’t care.
“Oh Boney, I’m so happy to have you back!”
(back to TOC)
****
Found At Sea
The sea was calm when they went out that morning. Wallace was aboard his neighbor’s fishing boat. The whole village sustained themselves on the fishing trade, and his neighbors were kind enough to let him work aboard their ship.
That afternoon, the skies quickly grew dark before they had time to notice. Their small boat was swept out to sea.
Many rescue missions had been sent out to find the men, but they all came back empty handed. The families grieved for their lost loved ones, convinced they had been taken by the Great Mother Ocean.
Years passed, and Wallace’s only brother, Myron grew up an only child, just him and his mother. She forbade him to work on the boats and forced him to stay inland.
One day, all of his friends were at work fishing while he stayed in the small family shop repairing nets. The day seemed clear, much like it was many years ago, when a storm seemed to roll in out of nowhere.
It was a short but fierce storm. Rescue teams stood by, and as soon as it was safe, they went out in search of missing boats and men. When they got back, the rescuers relayed that they were able to save everyone except one boat. The boat had been washed ashore on a small island, and they needed a team of volunteers to sail out to get the men.
Myron volunteered immediately, but his mother objected. “I’ve lost my husband and all my other sons to the sea. I can’t lose you too.”
“Mother,” he said, “that is precisely why I need to go. Think of the mothers and wives of the men stranded out there.”
The ship sailed out, and with the guidance of the men that had gone out before them, they found the small island. As they dropped anchor and piled into rowboats to go ashore, a sailor looked through his glass and said, “Wait! There are only zombies on that island!”
“All the more reason our men need our help,” said Myron, and continued to row to shore.
When he pulled his boat onto the beach, he was greeted warmly by his friends who had been lost at sea. Yes, they were zombies. It was the only way the natives of the island could save them.
One zombie that Myron didn’t recognize, who looked like he had been on the island a long time, pleaded with him to take him back on his ship. Myron agreed, and the zombies climbed aboard his rowboat.
When they arrived back in the town, the villagers were so happy to see their loved ones that they didn’t care if they were zombies. The zombie Myron didn’t recognize asked, “May I come meet your mother?” Myron agreed.
As they walked out of the house, his mother ran out crying about how happy she was that he came back safely. Then she looked at the other zombie he had brought with him.
“Wallace?” she asked.
“Hello Mother,” he said, and they embraced each other in a warm hug.
(back to TOC)
****
Zombie Mom
Life gets tough in middle school. It’s a big, confusing transition period between childhood and the teenage years. In addition, in the school system that Tommy lived in, the many small elementary schools came together into two large middle schools. This separated kids from their old school friends and forced them to make new ones.
But for Tommy, what was worse than all of that was when his mom picked him up from school. He went out of his way to take the bus or get rides from friends just to avoid being seen with his mom.
Tommy was embarrassed by his mom more than most kids, because his mom was a zombie. She had a huge gash through her forehead that extended from her right eyebrow all the way over into the hairline on the left side of her head. It was long enough and deep enough that sometimes her brains poked out. In addition, she was missing her right eyeball. Usually she wore a patch over it, but then the kids would make fun of him for having a pirate zombie as a mom.
To make matters even worse, his mom was on the PTA and would sometimes be a chaperone for field trips. She tried hard to mask her appearance by wearing scarves and dark glasses, but still he got comments from the other students about his mom being sick or weird.
Finally, at his request, since he was getting older, she stopped coming to his school. Of course, he never had friends over. When he started dating, he never brought his girlfriends home. When he graduated from high school, he didn’t go to commencement because he knew his mom would come.
After high school, he was anxious to remove his mom from his life. No matter how mean he was to her, it didn’t dissuade her. Finally he gave in, and they reached an unspoken agreement that she would only call and never come over.
When he got married, she wasn’t invited. He wanted to just elope to eliminate all chance of his wife’s family meeting his mom, but his fiancÈe wanted a church wedding. He kept the whole thing secret from his mother, but during the entire reception, he couldn’t enjoy himself. He kept glancing at the door, worried that she would walk in.
When his first child was born, she showed up at the door with her arms full of gifts, intending to help with the new baby. He turned her away and didn’t even take the gifts.
She tried again with the second child. Before she could come to the door, he scolded and cursed her for scaring his oldest daughter, now a toddler. He vowed never to talk to her again. He wouldn’t even answer the phone when she called.
Years passed, and one day he received a letter in the mail from an attorney asking him to call. When he finally got in touch with the lawyer, he told him, “I’m sorry to inform you that your mother has passed away.”
“How did it happen?” Tom asked, overwhelmed with curiosity more than any other emotion.
“Zombie hunters,” was the only explanation the lawyer gave. “She left an envelope for you. You can come and pick it up at any time, but the reading of the will is on Wednesday at 2:30.”
He skipped the reading of the will, he didn’t really care, but he was curious about the envelope. Finally, a couple weeks later, he got around to picking it up.
The letter inside read:
My dearest Tommy,
I have kept a secret from you all these years, but now that I am gone, I feel like you should know.
When you were four years old, we were in a terrible car accident. A drunk driver ran our car off of the road and we tumbled end over end down a ravine. You were in your car seat, so you were unharmed. But as the car fell, the fuel line must have been pierced, because the car was flooded with the smell of gasoline.
I got you out as fast as I could and away from the car before it burst into flames. But it wasn’t far enough. I covered you with my body when the car exploded. A piece of the car hit me in the head, leaving a gash through my face and skull. Another piece of shrapnel hit you in the eye.
In the hospital, they gave you my eye. That’s why you’ve always had to wear glasse
s. Before I died, I asked to be reanimated so I was still able to take care of you.
I just thought you needed to know the truth. I’m sorry I kept it from you all these years, but no time ever seemed like the right time.
I will always love you.
Mom
(back to TOC)
****
Mother and Child
“I’m sorry,” said the doctor, “there isn’t anything I can do.”
We were in the hospital and my wife was eight weeks pregnant. The doctor had just given me the ultimatum that every father fears.
Last night, Amber was complaining of stomach pains after supper. At first, we thought it was just improperly defrosted meat. But as the night went on, the pain got worse, and eventually we drove to the emergency room.
They had wheeled her away and I hadn’t seen her for hours. Finally, the doctor came in, and I could tell right away that the news wasn’t good.
As soon as he said, “I need to know if we should focus our efforts on mother or child,” I nearly passed out. How could I be asked to make such a decision?
I went into the room to talk to my wife. She already knew what was going on. “What do I do?” I asked her.
“Don’t worry about me,” she said. “Save our son.”
“Son?” I said, but the nurses rushed me out of the room.
“What would you like me to do?” asked the doctor.
“Save my son,” I said impulsively.
I waited anxiously, wondering if I had made the right decision. During one of my periods of sitting, pacing, sitting, pacing, a man came in the room and sat next to me.
Brains for the Zombie Soul (a parody) Page 2
