So when he walked into the fantasy aisle at the bookstore where I was looking at a book, and examined the shelf right next to me, I got flustered. Trying to keep my cheeks from going red, I finally said a casual, “Hi.” He was holding a book by one of my favorite authors, and I said, “Oh, I love her work. Have you read any of her stuff before?”
“Not yet,” he said. “I’m going on vacation and was looking for a good book to take along. Thanks for the suggestion.” And he walked away.
I floated through the rest of the day. I thought of all the things I could say the next time I saw him. Of course, as I did my errands around town in the following weeks, I kept a look out for him. But I never saw him. I began to wonder how long he was going on vacation. Was it an extended trip?
One day, I was at a stoplight, and there was a zombie on the corner holding up a “Will work for food,” sign, which was typical for a weekday afternoon. There were no zombie discrimination laws in place, so once someone was turned into a zombie, finding work was really hard. And none of the typical resources, like shelters and community kitchens, would help them because they were zombies.
When the light turned green and I started to drive away, I got a good look at the zombie. His suit was dirty and torn, and his skin was pale. But I recognized those high cheekbones, handsome face, and long dark hair.
I made a u-turn and pulled up next to him. “Can I treat you to dinner?” I asked.
He accepted, and we’ve been great friends, roommates, and perhaps something more, ever since.
(back to TOC)
****
Ronaldo and Julia
The prestigious Cavender family was holding a grand ball, and all the differently animated were invited.
In fact, only the undead were invited, as the Cavenders were very prejudiced against the living. They were jaded by the way their comrades were treated, and they worked their entire un-lives to surpass the lowly status they had when they were living.
Alas, the ball was a masquerade ball, so many living persons were able to sneak in. One such young man, filled with blood coursing healthily through his veins, was Ronaldo Murillo. He was the only son of the Murillo family, a clan long known for their hatred of zombies.
He sneaked into the ball by painting his face before putting on the mask, giving himself a pallid, lifeless complexion. This technique was taught to him by Rose, his girlfriend who recently dumped him. In fact, she was the reason he was attending the ball. She would be there to see her best friend who was recently turned into a zombie.
As he was looking for Rose, he stumbled into the most beautiful woman he ever laid eyes on. He quickly asked her to dance, and she accepted. She told him her name was Julia Cavender, the daughter of the hosts.
Upon receiving this news, he fled, but not before she found out that he was Ronaldo Murillo, the son of her family’s worst enemies.
That night as she lay in bed, she couldn’t stop thinking of Ronaldo. Since she couldn’t sleep, she went out on her balcony and looked at the stars. “Oh Ronaldo. Why the hell did it have to be Ronaldo? I wish he would leave his family, and I would leave mine, and we could run away together. You know what, who the fuck cares if he’s Ronaldo, he’s still hot.”
“Then call me Bob,” said a man hiding in the bushes below.
“Ronaldo, is that you?”
“Sure is babe.”
“You need to leave,” Julia said. “If anyone finds you here, they’ll pop a cap in your ass.”
While she is trying to convince him to go for his own safety, Ronaldo has climbed the trellis up to the balcony and perched on the edge of the railing. “Yes.”
“What?” asked Julia.
“Yes, let’s run away together. Leave all of this nonsense behind. We can get married and get a house out in the country.” Now on the balcony, Ronaldo dropped to one knee. “Julia, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes, yes!” she tried to exclaim as quietly as possible. “Oh no.”
“What?”
“Who will we get to marry us? Isn’t it still illegal for humans and zombies to marry?”
“My friend Larry got ordained online. We’re not far from the border, we can go up to Canada to get married.” Ronaldo was already planning it all in his head.
The next day, Julia packed a bag, including her prom dress, and waited in the back alley. Ronaldo and Larry pulled up, she hopped in the back, and they took a road trip to the border. They were married and back in a day. On the way to the Cavender household, they dropped Larry off and picked up Ronaldo’s friend, Marc.
When they got back, Julia slipped inside, but her cousin Ty caught Ronaldo and Marc pulling out of the alley. “What the fuck were you doing at the party?” Ty yelled while pointing a gun at Ronaldo.
“Whoa dude, I didn’t do anything,” Ronaldo said, putting his hands up to show he was unarmed. This was his cousin now too, he thought.
“Don’t be such a pussy,” said Marc, and he got out of the car. “You want some of this, huh?” he said, chest out, to Ty.
Ty walked up to him so they were chest to chest. “Bring it on buddy.”
Ronaldo got between them, trying to break them apart. During the struggle, he hit Ty’s gun hand with the gun, which discharged into Marc’s chest.
“Oh my god, oh my god,” Ronaldo yelled, slowly losing his sanity. In his distress, he picked up the gun and blew off Ty’s head, ensuring that the zombie couldn’t come back to life.
At this time, the sheriff, Ronaldo’s uncle, arrived on the scene. Ronaldo tried to turn himself in, but his uncle let him go, thinking that Ty had just killed Marc.
After sunset, Ronaldo sneaked back up to Julia’s room. They secretly made love through the whole night. He managed to sneak out of her room just in time in the morning, right before her mom opened her door to wake her up.
To hide the flush of her cheeks from the afterglow of her and Ronaldo’s night together, Julia acted as if she were crying into her pillow. She let out a sob as she heard Ronaldo hit the ground to cover the sounds of him getting away.
“Aw, I know you miss your cousin Ty. Don’t worry, we’ll get revenge on them.”
At that, Julia really did let out a sob, worried about the fate of her new husband. Her mom rubbed her back and said, “I have a surprise for you. I’ll be right back.”
She returned with a beautiful white wedding dress. At the sight of it, Julia burst into renewed sobs. “I know, it’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Mrs. Cavender said. “Everything is arranged for you to marry Patrick this weekend. You’ll be a beautiful bride!”
Julia couldn’t reply. “I know, you’ve got a lot of emotion to work through,” her mom said reassuringly. “I’ll leave you alone in here for a while. Then we can make the reservations for your hair and you can try on the dress.”
As soon as her mom was away, Julia climbed out her window and went over to Larry’s. He opened the door, and inside there was a haze of smoke. “Is Ronaldo here?” she asked.
“No, I haven’t seen him today.” He stopped to take a pull from a hand rolled cigarette. He offered it to Julia, but she declined. “What’s wrong?”
“My mom is planning for me to marry someone else this weekend,” she said between sobs.
“But you’re already married to Ronaldo,” he said.
“Duh!” she replied.
“Well, you’re a zombie, right?”
“Duh!” she said again.
“Then just play dead. Here, take a couple of these.” He handed her some pills. “They’ll knock your ass out for a few hours. It’ll make you look like you finally crossed over to the afterlife.”
“What about Ronaldo? Will you tell him the plan?”
“Sure,” said Larry, and Julia went home. But Ronaldo didn’t come home that day, intending to spend the next night with Julia again.
So that night, when he went to her room, he found her dressed in the wedding gown and laid out on a pedestal with her arms crossed over her chest. He watched f
rom the window as her mother and family, all dressed in black and in tears over Julia’s unmoving body, finally left the room.
Ronaldo went into the room and tried to shake Julia awake, but she wouldn’t respond. He was convinced, like her family was, that Julia was finally gone for good. In his grief, he pulled out a knife and slit his wrists, dying right next to his love.
When the sleeping pills wear off, Julia woke up in the middle of the night to find her love lying dead on the floor in a pool of his own blood. She summoned everything she knew about zombieism, and made him into a zombie.
Now that Ronaldo is a zombie, the Murillos became more accepting of the undead. And now that he was one of them, the Cavenders accepted him as part of the family.
Julia and Ronaldo got a nice house in the country and lived together in legal wedded bliss.
(back to TOC)
****
The Locket
Lowell didn’t go anywhere without wearing the locket.
When he was 22, he asked the girl of his dreams out on a date, and she accepted. The date went wonderfully, and he asked her on a second. Then a third. And so they were dating.
One day, they moved in together. It was a tiny little apartment with stained carpet, but they were in love, so it was perfect. They cooked meals together, spent Sunday mornings in bed together, and stayed up talking into the night.
For their first anniversary, he gave her a locket. She cut off a clip of his hair and put it inside. The locket stayed on her chain around her neck. She didn’t go anywhere without wearing the locket.
And then, one night when she was driving home from work in winter, her car hit a patch of black ice and slid off the road. It tumbled down a cliff and into a ravine. It wasn’t found for days. When the car was finally found, she was gone, leaving nothing behind but the remains of the car, her locket hanging from the rearview mirror.
Lowell put the chain around his own neck, went back to their apartment and locked himself inside from his despair. He didn’t eat, he didn’t drink, he didn’t sleep, and he didn’t leave the house. He wasted away to nothing, and eventually died, yet he still got no rest.
Finally, he started leaving the house to go on walks, but he never took the locket off. He would walk and walk until his legs seemed ready to fall off.
Months later, he was walking on a rainy day, and walked right into someone else. He didn’t apologize, he didn’t look up, he just kept walking. “Wait,” said a female voice.
He stopped in his tracks. She sounded just like his long lost love. The bones in his neck popped as he looked up. There she stood, just as beautiful as the last day he saw her. She was even wearing the same dress, although now it was significantly tattered and worn. He saw the wound on her head. The crash must’ve killed her instantly.
“My love,” she asked. “Are you a zombie too?”
“Yes,” he said, tears of joy streaming down his cheeks. “Now we can be together forever.” And he put the necklace back around her neck.
(back to TOC)
****
Lost Lovers
Dear Kevin,
I just want to apologize for the way I reacted yesterday. I hadn’t expected to see you at Denise’s. It caught me off guard.
It wasn’t my intention to ignore or avoid you, I just didn’t know what to say.
I know we didn’t have the best relationship when we were dating, but I must admit, I still miss you. Before you were a lover, you were a great friend. I miss our long talks and having your shoulder to lean on.
I’m sorry things ended the way they did, but I’m happy to have met you.
Sincerely,
Cindy
------
Dear Cindy,
Thank you for writing. I can understand why you would be caught off guard. I wasn’t sure what to say either. But really, I was happy to see you. And I’m glad you wrote me.
How are things with you? What are you doing now?
I just celebrated my first wedding anniversary, and we’re expecting our first child! It’s going to be a girl! We just found out today. Sharon has started knitting little pink booties, it’s adorable. I think you would like her, you two have a lot in common.
I’m a tax accountant now. It’s a stressful job, especially during the months of February through April, but it makes good money. Tax season starts in just a few weeks. I must admit, I’m nervous, but I am every year. People come up with new things to try to deduct every time, and it always throws me for a loop.
So what about you? Are you working for an ad agency yet? Any kids?
It’s great to hear from you.
Love,
Kevin
----
Dear Kevin,
Oh, I am so glad you’re not mad at me! I was so afraid that I wouldn’t get a letter back. Its so nice to hear from you again.
I’m doing well. I’m a secretary at a title agency. It’s not glamorous or anything, but it pays the bills. Although it’s not what I would like to be doing, it’s a good job. They treat me well and I get good benefits.
Congratulations on being a tax accountant. Or should I send my condolences? I guess it probably depends when you get this letter, ha ha.
I’m engaged! Larry asked me yesterday! We’ve been dating for a year, so I was wondering if he might pop the question.
We’re going to get married in June, which leaves me no time to plan. I’m stressing out about it.
Congratulations on the baby girl! I’m sure she’ll be beautiful!
Well, Larry and I are going out to dinner to celebrate, so I have to go.
Love, Cindy
-----
Dear Cindy,
Sorry it took me so long to write back. Work has been stressful and taking up all my time, and on top of that, I’ve had this flu that I just can’t get rid of. I’ve been to the doctor many times and they keep putting me on antibiotics, but nothing’s quite strong enough. Apparently it’s a bad flu that’s going around.
At any rate, I don’t want to be a downer. Congratulations on your engagement. I hope he treats you well.
Sharon’s pregnancy isn’t going so well. She’s been really moody and the morning sickness has been really bad. I’m sure it will all be worth it in the end.
Sorry for cutting this so short, Sharon is asking me to go to the grocery store for her. Again.
-Kevin
-----
Dear Kevin,
I hope things are going better for you. I hope you feel better.
Unfortunately, I’m not doing so well either. Larry left me. You probably will too when you find out.
A week ago, I got in a car accident. The paramedics rushed me to the hospital. I was pronounced dead on arrival.
Yes, you read that right, I was dead. The doctors didn’t make a mistake, I had no heartbeat.
In fact, I phrased that wrong. I am dead. I guess you could call me a zombie, although I think they’re calling it “differently animated.”
I’m sorry. If you don’t want to write back, I understand. It’s creepy.
Forever with love,
Cindy
-----
Dear Cindy,
I know how you feel. You know that flu I had? Well, I still have it. I’ll probably have it forever, since I’m already dead too. Supposedly, I passed away quietly one night in my sleep. Isn’t that the way everyone wants to go? Ha ha.
Not surprisingly, Sharon kicked me out the next morning. I may never get to see my daughter.
My boss demoted me, but luckily I still have a job. I’ve met so many people in our situation that were fired outright. Now I’m spending my free time working on tax returns for people like us. We are still entitled to benefits too!
The only bright spark in my life has been the letter from you. I’m so glad we reconnected. Would you like to go out for dinner sometime?
Love,
Kevin.
---
Dear Kevin,
I would love to. Call me.
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Love, Cindy.
(back to TOC)
****
Grande Caramel Latte
She was a perfectly gorgeous hipster. Every morning at 7:00, she would come in wearing her skirts and sweaters, get her drink, and work on her laptop at a table straight across from the counter. Her brown wavy hair would be brushed back from her big, bright blue eyes by her huge old school headphones. She’d bop her head along to the music while she typed away on her laptop, and her toe would follow along.
She was cute and sassy and funny and everything I wanted in a girl. Her name was, “Grande Caramel Latte.”
Okay, obviously it wasn’t. I never got up the nerve to ask her name. I’d make up her drink, set it on the counter, and call out, “Grande Caramel Latte.” For most customers, I would turn away and continue with the next drink, but for her, I would wait. When she approached the counter, I would hold out the drink to her. She would smile and say, “Thank you,” before skipping back to her table.
I almost got fired once when I messed up a bunch of drinks because I was too busy watching her. Eventually I just learned how to do my job without looking. My coworkers even turned it into a party trick. On slow days, they’d blindfold me and give me a complicated order, and I would execute it perfectly. I didn’t mind, it was all for her.
I got the nerve up to ask her what she was working on once. It was a slow morning, and I was relentlessly shining the tables on either side of her. She told me that she was writing music. I told her I’d like to hear it sometime. She said sure. I’m sure it was beautiful.
Then one day, she didn’t show up. At 7:15 I got worried. At 7:30, I started to panic. At 7:45, I considered leaving early, claiming I was sick. At 7:50, I turned that idea down for fear she would come in while I was gone. For the rest of the day, I looked up expectantly at any person who walked through the door.
Brains for the Zombie Soul (a parody) Page 7
