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Plantation Owner
Before there were cars, many horse-drawn carriages were driven by slaves, many of which were zombies.
One day, a prestigious plantation owner and his fair lady where riding in their carriage to town for a ball, when the zombie driver found a large tree had been knocked into the path. The tree was likely toppled over in the storm the night before.
The master ordered the zombie to move the tree. Although he worked as hard as he could, he couldn’t get it to budge. So they summoned the zombie slaves from a nearby house to help, but still they couldn’t move it.
When the owner of the slaves they had borrowed, Mr. Archibald, came home, he went to find out where all his zombies had gone. He found them struggling to lift the tree. After getting a few saws from his shed, he handed all but one of the saws off and started hacking away at the tree himself.
“Oh, you shouldn’t work yourself so hard,” said the plantation owner and his mistress. But Mr. Archibald continued working, and with his help, the tree was moved in no time.
The next week, Mr. Archibald was out on a ride through the fields. He jumped the horse over a stone wall. As the horse landed, its back hoof caught the wall, knocking the stones over. His riding companions said, “Oh, just leave it for the zombies to get.”
Mr. Archibald ignored his companions, dismounted, and went to pick up the stones. He made them wait as he reassembled the wall, and then they went on their way.
Several months later, all the plantation owners in the area were having dinner together. They were discussing the recent rash of zombie slave runaways.
“Why, just yesterday I lost my two best zombies. They even had all their limbs!” said one master.
They were all comparing how many of their zombies had run away, when someone asked, “Mr. Archibald, you’ve been so quiet, you must have lost tons of zombies.”
“I haven’t had a single zombie runaway,” he said. “And all my zombies have their limbs. They’re very good workers.”
Silence descended on the room. Everyone else was in awe of how well Mr. Archibald ran his house. “But how do you do it?” someone asked.
“Well, I just treat them like equals,” he said. They all gasped. “I give them a wage. And they get periods of rest and three square meals a day...”
“You feed them?” one man said. “You don’t just let them find rats and dead carcasses in the fields?”
“Oh heavens no!” said Mr. Archibald. “And look at the difference it makes! My zombies are the strongest and healthiest. You can’t even tell that some of them are zombies.” He took a sip from his glass. “Plus, there’s no such thing as runaways if they’re free to leave whenever they like.”
A woman said, “Oh, that’s your loophole then? Fine, how many of your zombies have ‘left on their own accord.’”
“Well, none. Naturally,” he replied.
He really wanted to add, “In fact, all of your zombies are coming to me,” but he knew better.
At the end of the season, his farm produced more than any other, and he was the richest man around. The next spring, he even got married... to a zombie wife.
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Zoo
A disturbing trend has begun to pop up all around the country. In the zoos, next to the lions and tigers and bears, organizers have been opening zombie exhibits.
At first, they were a huge success. The zookeepers would capture zombies, put them in a cage, and feed them buckets of brains. People flocked to the zoo from all over to look at the zombies from the safety of the outside world, while the zombies were trapped behind bars and glass.
Soon, the people stopped going to the zombie exhibits. They called them boring, because the zombies didn’t do anything. So the zoos started publishing the feeding times.
That didn’t work for long. When the people found out that the zombies didn’t run for the brains, they got bored again. In fact, the zombies didn’t eat the brains at all.
So then they tried giving the zombies the chunks of meat that they gave the large cats. Still, they got no response. They called in zombie experts, but no one could get the zombies to do anything in their cages.
In the meantime, Zombie Rights protesters started gathering outside the zoos. They chanted and carried signs like, “Free the Zombies,” “Honk if you love Zombies,” and “Zombies are People too!”
One day, one of the zombie supporters asked the zookeepers if he could talk to the zombies. They were afraid that he would try to liberate the zombies. Finally, he got them to agree to lock him in the cage with the zombies.
They expected (and really, were kind of hoping) that the zombies would attack him. Instead, he went and talked to the zombies for an afternoon. At the end of the day, he knocked on the door, and they let him out.
The next day, he did the same thing. On the third day, in the early afternoon, he stood up and all the zombies rose with him. The zookeepers stared in astonishment as the zombies started to sing and dance.
The zombie rights supporter kept coming back, and the zombies would perform with him every afternoon. Soon, the zoo started to sell tickets.
In the meantime, other supporters from the Zombie Rights Campaign contacted their senators. The argued that if the zombies could organize such a performance on their own, that it was inhumane to keep them locked up in cages.
Another political group argued that the shows on their own did not show independent intelligence. They proposed that the zombies take the SATs, and if they averaged at least 1500 on the SATs, then they would be set free.
Zombie tutors were organized to visit the zombies on a daily basis to prepare them for the tests. They soon found that the work wasn’t as hard as they thought it would be, since the zombies retained the knowledge they had from their previous lives.
Finally, the day came where zombies in zoos all across the country were tested. Zombie supporters argued that the zombies should be set free as soon as the test was completed, but they were denied.
Four weeks later, all the scores were tallied. The zombies collectively had a better than average score of 1700! Many zombies were released from the zoos and accepted instantly into Ivy League colleges. It was the first step towards zombie equality.
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Amusement Park
During summer break, two teenage boys went to a popular theme park. They got there early so they could be first on all the roller coasters.
They were the first in line and the first to get into the park. They passed a zombie pushing a broom along a clean path and whistling happily. “What do they have a zombie cleaning a park for?” said one boy loudly.
“Yeah, zombies are so filthy. What’s the point?” said the other boy.
“That’s probably why they have him cleaning a clean park. He probably doesn’t know the difference!”
The boys threw their pop cans and chip bags at the zombie. “Here you go,” they taunted. “This is dirty. This is what you’re supposed to sweep up!”
They walked away laughing, but ran into another group of teenagers from their school. “Don’t worry about throwing your trash in the dumpsters,” they said. “Just throw it at the dirty zombie.”
All day, at every ride, they told the people around them to litter the ground with their trash. They also pushed over every trashcan they found and emptied them out onto the sidewalks.
That afternoon, the ground was covered with trash. The park had to start closing rides down because trash was getting into the tracks. People started leaving.
Then one of the boys said, “Oh no, my cell phone! I lost my phone! I must have dropped it somewhere.” They began retracing their steps, looking over the ground for it. The sidewalks and grass were so covered with trash that the phone could be anywhere.
They went to the park manager and asked for help in locating the phone.
“I heard about you two,”
she said. “You are the ones making it so hard for our janitor today. If you want to find your phone, you have to help him clean the trash out of the way.”
They each got a broom and joined the zombie, who kept whistling even while sweeping up piles of litter. The teenagers were grumpy about the chore, but the zombie always seemed to be in a good mood.
The longer they worked alongside the zombie, the more their spirits rose. Soon, they began to have fun with their work.
Finally, the whole park was clean. As the boys swept away the last pile of trash, their dustbin started ringing. They had found the phone.
As they left the park at the end of the night, they said to the janitor, “We’re sorry we called you a dirty zombie. You do an excellent job of keeping this park clean.”
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Jumper
A crowd had formed at the base of the building. They were watching with morbid fascination at the figure perched on the edge twenty stories above.
Meanwhile, a police officer stood in the room behind the teenage boy. “Come on in here and let’s talk about it,” he said.
“I don’t want to,” the young man said.
“Then can I come out there with you?” the officer asked.
“I don’t care.”
The man went to the window and sat on the edge, with his feet on the ledge next to the boy’s. “What’s your name son?”
“Don’t call me that!” he yelled as he leaned closer to the edge.
“Whoa, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it,” the cop panicked.
“I’m not your son!” said the teenager, but he leaned back towards the window.
“No, I’m sorry.” He sat quiet for a minute, giving the kid a chance to calm down. “So, what’s your name?”
“I’m Sam.”
“Nice to meet you Sam. I’m Officer Raymond Dougherty, but you can call me Ray.”
Sam just nodded.
After a bit, Sam said, “You want to know why I’m up here, don’t you?”
“Only if you want to tell me.”
“My dad died.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
The kid was crying. “He wasn’t like most dads. He could be stupid sometimes, you know? But he was a cool dad.”
“How’d he die?” asked the cop.
“Car crash,” said Sam. “Fucking drunk driver.”
“Tell me something about your dad,” said Officer Dougherty.
“One time, he took me water skiing. He’d never been before, and neither had I. But I said I wanted to try it, so we went. And he crashed so much.” He laughed. “He was so sore the next day, but he said it was totally worth it. It was so much fun.”
“He does sound like a cool dad. My dad was a pretty good guy too. We never went skiing, but we would go hunting a lot.”
“Yeah, that’s cool,” said Sam. “How’d your dad die?”
“He hasn’t. But he’s not really my dad anymore. He’s got Alzheimer’s, can’t even remember me. And he’s really sick, can’t even get out of bed. I know that’s not how he wanted to go.” Officer Dougherty sighed. “Didn’t expect I would go before him.”
“Wait, you’re not...” the kid looked at him, actually looked at him this time. “You’re a zombie?”
“Yep,” said the man. “But I take good care of myself. It can be hard to tell.”
“How’d it happen?”
“I got hit by a drunk driver too, but I didn’t die. The ambulance came and got me, but in the ER, I got a bad blood transfusion.”
“Oh,” said Sam, and they sat in silence for a little while. Then he asked, “Do you have kids?”
“Nope,” said the cop. “Never got the chance.”
“Do you want kids?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “I guess I’d like to have kids, but I don’t really think about it. It’s just not possible, you know.”
“You could adopt.”
“Yeah.”
“Would you be my dad?” asked Sam.
Officer Dougherty smiled. “I would be honored to have you as a son.”
And they walked out of the building together.
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Christmas Necklace
December 23rd is one of the worst days of the year.
I’m a Scrooge, I hate Christmas. Therefore, I leave all my Christmas shopping until the last minute. So pushing through other shoppers, trying to get the last fuzzy whatever for my nephews and nieces, doesn’t help my attitude any.
Every year, I resolve to order everything online. And every freaking year, I wait too long and end up going to Mega Mart for everything.
To top it off, this year it was snowing like crazy, and nobody knows how to drive in that crap. So by the time I pulled into the improperly plowed parking lot, I was already grumpy.
When I walked into the store, the greeter smiled at me and said, “Merry Christmas! Is there anything I can help you find?”
How dare he be so cheery when I was so pissed off? I gave him a weak smile and said, “No thanks.”
While I was paying attention to Mr. Shit Eating Grin, I stepped on the foot of some poor kid. I dropped my angry demeanor for a second and sincerely apologized to him. He said he was sorry back to me. Good kid.
As I walked away, I heard his dad say, “Go look around in toys. I’m going to go get your mom’s prescription.”
I made my way around the store, filling my cart. I expected to see the kid in the toys section, but he wasn’t there. For some reason, I kept an eye out for him as I shopped, but he wasn’t in the sports section (would a football for my nephew be too cliché?), and he wasn’t playing on the games systems in electronics (what type of music would my teenage niece like?)
After I had given up seeing him again, I was surprised to run into him in the jewelry department. I was picking up a ruby pendant in the shape of a heart for my girlfriend. He was looking intently through the costume jewelry. Before I continued with my other shopping (Would it be tacky to get my mom Archer cookies? She loves those things.), I shot the kid a quick smile.
When he smiled back in understanding, I found that I wasn’t so grumpy anymore. Maybe there was some Christmas joy in this world afterall.
Finally, I took everything to the checkout lanes, and found myself behind the kid. He put a cheap gold necklace that said, “MOM” on it in Australian crystal on the counter.
As if she were being bothered, the clerk didn’t even say hi to the kid, she just scanned the necklace. “Twelve thirty nine,” she said in the most bored yet annoyed voice possible.
She audibly sighed when the kid handed her a Ziploc baggie full of change. I wanted to say, “Give him a chance, he’s just a kid,” but I knew it wouldn’t do any good.
After counting through all the change, she said to him, “There’s only eleven dollars and ninety eight cents here.”
“I’m sorry ma’am, can you count it again?” He could tell she was about to say no, but he interrupted, “See, my mom is sick. We’re going to the hospital to see her tonight. Daddy said she might not get to come home, and I want to get her something special for Christmas.”
By the look on her face, I could tell she didn’t care, and she was just going to give the change back to the kid and tell him to ask his dad for more money. Before she could say anything, I leaned down to the kid and whispered, “Don’t tell anyone, but I’m helping Santa out this year. He told me to stop by the hospital after this to see who needed presents. It would sure save me a lot of work if I could buy that necklace for your mom for you.”
The boy thought it over for a second then said, “Well, okay.”
“Thanks buddy,” I said. Then turned to the impatient clerk and said, “Ring that up with the rest of my stuff.”
I walked to the exit with the kid, where his dad was waiting for him, looking worried. “I looked all around for you. You weren’t in toys. Where have you been?”
“I
was buying a present for mom,” he said. He took his dad’s hand, winked at me, and said, “Bye mister!”
“Wait a second!” I called before they got out of my sight. Rummaging through my bags, I found the necklace for my girlfriend. I took it out of its nice box, and handed the box to the kid. “Put your mom’s present in that. It’ll be safer than the plastic it came in.”
“Thanks!” he said, took the box, and ran back to his dad.
As I was pulling out of the parking lot, I noticed the two of them waiting in the snow for the bus. I pulled up to the bus stop and said, “It’s a nasty night out tonight. Can I take you somewhere?”
The dad seemed to think about it a minute before giving in. “Thank you so much,” he said. “Can you take us to the hospital?”
I suspected that was the answer I would get, so I said, “Sure.”
We drove to the hospital in silence, but when we got there, instead of pulling up to the entrance, I parked and walked in with them. “Is your wife here?” I asked the man.
“Yeah,” he said in a tired voice.
“How about I get you a cup of coffee and come up with you?” I suggested.
“That’s too nice of you,” he said. “Are you an insurance salesman? Or a lawyer?”
“Nope,” I assured him. “I’m an IT guy. But it’s practically Christmas, and you look like you could use some help.”
I followed the two of them up to the Intensive Care Unit and into an empty room. The dad gave a confused look, and the little kid said, “Where’s mommy?”
The three of us went back out to the nurse’s desk. “Oh, your wife has been moved,” said the nurse, and she got the doctor.
Brains for the Zombie Soul (a parody) Page 12
