“There now.” She picked up one of Matthew’s fallen shirts and wrapped it around the animal. “You’ll dry off. It’s not so bad.”
“That is my shirt you’ve used as a towel,” he felt compelled to point out.
She dried off the kitten until it resembled a knotted ball of damp fuzz. Then she held him out. “Here, take him.”
Matthew hesitated but finally accepted the animal. It began squeaking, eyeing him as if he were at fault for the bath. And despite his earlier mood, he softened. “He seems quite angry with us.”
“He’ll get over it.” Lily picked up the basket and examined the contents. “Oh, look—there’s still one of the tarts wrapped up in a napkin. I don’t think he touched this one.” She pulled out a white linen cloth and unwrapped it, revealing a small pastry with a red filling. “Do you want it?”
The kitten sank its claws into his arm as it climbed up his shirt. Matthew gently lifted it onto his chair, and it crouched into a hunter’s stance before it pounced at a pillow. It struck him that this was as close to an ordinary day that he’d had in some time. The kitten’s antics were a distraction he’d never anticipated, and it wasn’t unwelcome.
Lady Lily took a step closer, holding out the tart. A few strands of brown hair framed her face, and he didn’t miss the shining hope in her hazel eyes.
God above, he shouldn’t have let her in. This had been a big mistake, and he had to make it clear that he could not be her friend. Not with his life in such a tangled mess.
“Lady Lily, I don’t think—”
She lifted her hand and cut him off. “I know you’re going to send me away. But before you do, taste this.” In her hand, she held out the strawberry tart.
She clearly wasn’t going to give him a choice. And why on earth it was so important to her, he didn’t know. But he accepted the pastry and took a bite. The sweet taste of strawberries flooded his mouth, and Matthew blinked as it evoked an unexpected memory.
The last time he’d eaten a strawberry tart, Lily had been with him. He had shared it with her, kissing her hard until the taste mingled with her tongue. He had been desperate to touch her, and the memory of her hands upon his skin struck hard.
The deep sweetness of the berries conjured the taste of her lips, the memory of her head falling back as she arched beneath him. Her hands had clung to his hair as he kissed a path down the softness of her neck, down to her rounded breasts. He had taken a nipple into his mouth, the erect tip rising as she cried out in pleasure.
Matthew set down the strawberry tart, shaken by the vision. He could not deny the arousal of his body as memories flooded through him. He had pleasured her until her body had convulsed against him in ecstasy. He gritted his teeth to force back the unexpected memory.
“Do you like it?” she asked.
He couldn’t answer, still caught up by the daydream. Lily had done this deliberately, wanting him to remember the past. She’d brought him strawberry tarts and a kitten, hoping that he would care for her again.
He forced himself to harden his emotions toward this woman. She didn’t understand how broken his mind was, and he didn’t want to drag her down into his own private hell. After months of torture and pain, he didn’t know how long it would take to recover.
Lily believed that time and friendship would bring him back. . .but he couldn’t believe that. If he lost himself to a vision again, he might hurt her without meaning to. He was barely holding on to sanity, and he couldn’t take that risk.
And though it was cruel, he needed to cut the bonds between them and free her from the past. This was his battle to face alone.
“Lily, whatever memories we had are in the past. The truth is, I took advantage of your innocence, and we were never legally married. I don’t want or need your help, and you must accept the fact that we cannot be man and wife. It’s best for both of us.”
It felt as if Matthew had struck her in the heart. Though Lily had braced herself for this, it hurt far worse than she’d imagined. She set aside the tart on his breakfast tray, turning her face away to hide the unshed tears.
She should have known that the past could not be fixed so easily. She’d been such a fool to visit, raising her hopes, only to have them dashed into pieces. The urge to leave came over her so strong she could not deny it.
But a knock at the door interrupted. She had nearly forgotten about Lady Falsham and Matthew’s mother, Lady Arnsbury. The last thing she wanted was to see them right now.
“Your mother and godmother are just outside the door,” she informed him, tucking the napkin back inside the basket.
“I suppose you’ll have to let them in.” He sat down in the wingback chair, and the kitten crawled into his lap.
With reluctance, Lily went to the door and opened it. Lady Arnsbury and Lady Falsham stood there, but she noticed the absence of Dr. Fraser. Perhaps he’d decided to stay behind in the drawing room.
“Come in.” She braved a smile she didn’t feel at all.
The two women eyed one another before crossing the threshold. Lady Arnsbury studied Lily as if to ensure that she had not been harmed. Matthew’s godmother, Lady Falsham, moved across the room to him, stopping short when she saw the kitten. “Why, Matthew, what’s this?”
“Lady Lily thought I needed a companion.” He picked up the damp kitten in one hand and gave it over to her. “We had to wash him, since he was covered in strawberry tart.”
The viscountess was startled when the kitten climbed up her arm, sinking its claws into her gown. “Well, he is a darling thing, isn’t he? What will you name him?”
“I’ve no idea.” Matthew leaned back against the chair and turned to Lily. “Have you any suggestions?”
She hadn’t given it any thought. Right now, her thoughts were scattered as she tried to determine what to do now. “No.”
His brown eyes locked upon hers. “Perhaps I should call him Beast. For that is precisely what he is.”
Lily tightened her lips, knowing he spoke of himself. She had wanted to try again, to help him recover from his ordeal. But he kept pushing her away. He didn’t want her help, and he didn’t want her. The very thought broke her heart.
She sank into a chair, hardly knowing what to do now. Should she continue to visit with him, if only for the sake of helping him recover from his wounds? Or would it cut too deeply to be near a man who no longer loved her?
Lily barely heard the conversation between Lady Arnsbury and Lady Falsham. The air was suffocating, and she stared back at Matthew, wondering what to do now. But his emotions were shielded like armor.
Lily reached for her basket. “I wish you well with your Beast. Good day.” She needed time to be away right now, so she could bury her face in a pillow and sob her heart out. Never in her life had she imagined he would shut her out, refusing to let her help him.
She started to leave the room but heard his footsteps behind her. She had no desire to speak with him, not when he didn’t want her in his life anymore. She couldn’t bear to look upon his face and remember what was lost between them. But he was well aware of her misery.
“Lady Lily.” Matthew caught her wrist in the hallway and stopped her from leaving. “It’s better this way. Go back to the life you knew before me.”
She turned to face him and this time didn’t bother to hide the tears slipping free from her eyes. “I only wanted to help you, Matthew.”
“You can’t. It’s not your battle to face.”
Her battered emotions were bruised, and she had no words that would change his mind. Before she left, she removed the chain from her neck that held the gold ring. She slid it free and held it out. “This belongs to you. I should have returned it sooner.”
He sobered and slid it onto the smallest finger of his left hand. “I hope you find happiness, Lady Lily. It was never my intention to hurt you.”
His handsome face was haggard, worn down from all the sleepless nights. She reached up and traced the outline of his face, and in his eye
s, she saw regret. Whether it was guilt over ruining her, she didn’t know. But she couldn’t heal a man who didn’t want her help any more than he would let her love him.
She needed to gather up the fragments of her life and decide what to do now.
And with that, she turned away, leaving behind the shadow of the girl she’d once been.
Lily sat in the empty dining room of her family’s townhouse with a decanter of brandy and a glass. She had never before tasted spirits, but tonight she intended to become well and truly foxed. It was nearly ten o’clock at night, and she’d ordered the servants to leave her alone.
She poured the brandy into the glass and took a small sip. It tasted like liquid fire, burning through her stomach, and she couldn’t stop herself from coughing. But the second sip went down easier.
She toasted an invisible Matthew. “To a marriage that never should have happened,” she whispered. The brandy had a smooth taste that warmed her from the inside.
Moses jumped onto the dining table and nosed her with his head. “Go away, kitty.” But he flopped across the wood, staring at her.
Perhaps it was foolish, but she decided the cat was as good a confessor as any. She rubbed his ears, and he began purring.
“I was a silly, selfish girl,” she informed him. “It was all my fault. I fell in love, and I used the poor man to avoid a marriage I didn’t want.” She poured herself another glass of brandy, and the cat batted at her fingers.
Her mood darkened, and she bit back tears. “I should never have forced him into it. And now I don’t know what to do. Should I leave him, the way he wants me to? Or should I stay?” The cat rubbed himself up against her hand, and she whispered, “He’s been so badly hurt. I don’t want to abandon him. . .but he doesn’t want me there.”
The door to the dining room opened, and Lily glared at the blurry intruder. “I do not wish to be disturbed.” But then her eyes adjusted, and she realized it was Rose.
“Oh. It’s you.” She toasted her sister and took another sip of liquid courage. “Cheers.”
“Lily, what are you doing?” Rose leaned upon a cane, taking careful steps until she could sit beside her at the table. “It’s very late.”
So it was. And she found that she hardly cared. “I’m not sleepy at all. You can retire for the night if you wish. I will remain here.”
Rose reached for her hand. “Was it so terrible paying a call upon Lord Arnsbury?”
“He doesn’t want to see me again.” With an unsteady hand, Lily poured herself another glass of brandy. “Do you want to drink with me, Rose?”
“No, thank you.” Her sister’s expression grew pained. “I’m so sorry, Lily.”
“So am I. And now, I intend to get so intoxicated I won’t even remember Matthew’s name.” She lifted her glass in another mock toast and drained it. The velvety brandy slid down her throat in a light burn.
My goodness, that was nice.
But Rose took the glass from her and set it aside. The room swayed, and Lily was surprised to find that the table was moving, too. How fascinating.
“What happened? What did he say?”
“It’s over,” she told her sister. “My marriage that never happened.” She tried to reach for the brandy decanter, but Rose took her hand instead.
“What do you mean? Did Matthew hurt you in any way?”
“Only my heart. It’s empty now, you see?” She blinked at the brandy, noticing that there were three different decanters. This time, she reached for the middle one, and her hand closed over the crystal.
“What are you going to do?” her sister asked. Rose had a way of listening and making her feel as if she would support her, no matter what choices she made. And with her question, she had cut to the heart of the matter.
“What can I do? I suppose I’ll remain on the shelf and never marry anyone.” She reached out for her glass, and this time, Rose allowed her to take it. The brandy no longer burned her stomach but instead filled her with a pleasant buzzing sensation.
“Lily, I’m so very sorry. I wish there was some way I could help.”
As her hand clenched the empty glass, she turned back to her sister. “Then you know how I feel about Matthew. I know he’s hurt. I know they broke his body and his mind, but he wants me to walk away from him. How can I do that?” She traced the edge of her glass. “I can’t leave him behind when he’s suffering so badly. And it hurts so much that he wants me to go.” Tears flowed over now, and she admitted, “I don’t know what to do. He’d rather shut me out and keep me at a distance.”
“A wounded man will do or say anything to avoid appearing weak, Lily.”
Her sister’s words sliced through her sadness, and she wondered if those were his reasons. “Perhaps. But I just. . .wanted to start over. I wanted to be his friend, to show him that I still cared.”
She didn’t even know the sort of woman she was without Matthew. Her life felt as if it had little purpose. And no amount of brandy would show her what she was meant to do with her life.
Moses got up and arched his back, nuzzling against her before he hopped off the table. She stared at the amber glass, feeling broken and lost.
“Do you want me to help you to bed?” her sister asked.
“No. I want to sit here a little longer.”
Rose stood from the table and balanced herself against her cane, embracing her. Lily hugged her back, and a rise of dizziness washed over her. “You are strong enough to overcome this. I have faith in you.”
She only wished she could have that kind of faith in herself.
CHAPTER FIVE
Five days later
It was outright war between Lily and her grandmother. She crossed her arms and regarded Lady Wolcroft. “I am not going, and that is final.”
“You need to let go of that blackguard and find another husband to replace him. Where else would you find one except at Lady Arnsbury’s ball?”
“I do not wish to marry right now.” It was the very last thing she wanted. “I would rather remain home and contemplate the useless nature of my life.” And perhaps what she could do to change it.
“You are not useless, Lily. But you are obstinate. Be reasonable about this. If your older sister is foolish enough to marry an impoverished Irish earl, at least you ought to marry a man of means.”
“Perhaps I should wear a price tag about my neck,” she grumbled. “Or better, you could auction me off to the highest bidder.”
“Unless you improve your temperament, no man would buy you.” With an exasperated huff, her grandmother continued, “Lily, I don’t see why you are being so difficult about this. What is so wrong with marrying a wealthy man, bearing him children, and spending his money?”
She couldn’t give an answer, for it was clear that Lady Wolcroft was in earnest. Her grandmother appeared perplexed at the idea that a woman could be anything other than a wife.
Lily squared her shoulders. “I want a life in which I can be more than just a brood mare with a penchant for shopping. And there are no men attending the ball who would allow that.”
The most eligible London bachelors were men of tradition who wanted decorative wives. She found the idea impossible to swallow. Not to mention, her heart was still wounded from the loss of Matthew. If he had given her any sign at all that he cared, she would have waited. But now she had no choice but to forge a life without him, in spite of the hurt.
“I will not have a bluestocking or a spinster for a granddaughter,” Mildred continued. “And your life is not at all useless. It will serve a great purpose when you bring an heir into the world.”
She didn’t agree at all. She had spent the past two years pining for the man she’d married in secret, believing they would reunite in a proper, legal union. . .only to find out he had come home a different man, one who no longer wanted her. No, being a wife had not served her at all. It had only shown her that she had allowed herself to become a shell of a woman, living and dreaming for the return of someone else
.
It was no life at all, and she’d had her fill of it.
“You will attend the ball and speak with Lord Davonshire or someone else,” her grandmother pronounced. “That is final.”
Lily crossed her arms and faced down the elderly woman. “Is it?” She spun and crossed the room, feeling the need to escape the house. It was stifling inside, and she ordered a footman to bring her bonnet and shawl. Perhaps a drive around town might ease her spirits.
While she waited, she spied her mother walking down the stairs. Iris was murmuring to herself, and she was dressed in a blue morning gown. The moment she reached the landing, her gaze centered on Lily.
“Oh, there you are, Lily. I thought we could go out and pay calls together. I should enjoy your company.” While her mother’s words made perfect sense, there was a slight vacant expression upon her face that suggested she was recovering from one of her madness spells. It might be dangerous to take her out.
“Are you feeling well?” she asked Iris directly.
The matron nodded. “A little anxious, but I think some brisk air might do me some good.” Her face softened, and she added, “I promise I will not leave the carriage before we arrive.” Her embarrassment was evident, and she said, “I know I have not been myself as of late.”
It occurred to Lily that they had been keeping Lady Penford prisoner in the house, too afraid to let her go anywhere. True, Iris suffered from moments of delirium where she saw and heard things that were not real. But to lock her away was no life at all.
She moved forward and linked her arm with her mother’s. “Everything will be fine. And we will take two footmen with us to make sure we are safe.”
The grateful brightness on her mother’s face was like a morning sunrise. “Thank you, Lily,” she whispered.
It took half an hour, but eventually, they drove through the streets in the open carriage while Lily held her parasol. The sight of her mother’s happiness eased the strain she had been feeling.
“Grandmother insists that I attend Lady Arnsbury’s ball and find someone else to marry,” she confided. “But it’s not so easy.”
What the Earl Needs Now (The Earls Next Door Book 2) Page 5
