by Wendy Owens
“Ab, can you tell Bea we need a tourist special,” Holden directs the old man with a grin. I watch as Abner hops to his feet and makes his way around the bar, more than happy to relay the information.
“Tourists’ special, huh?” I huff.
“I think every American who comes into this place orders fish and chips.”
“If it annoys you, why have it on the menu?”
“I never said it annoyed me,” he corrects.
“I see.” I grin, observing him as he returns to work. I try to ignore Kenzie’s voice in my head, telling me to jump on him. For all I know, he is married. I lean my head to one side, trying to catch a glimpse of his left hand. He reaches for a mug, and I see his finger is bare. At that, my stomach flutters.
“So …” I begin, clearing my throat, willing myself to be brave. I find out it is not so simple to will this. I swallow hard.
He turns, lifts an eyebrow, and asks, “Did you need something else?”
“Oh, no, not really. Just trying to make conversation, I suppose.” There, I said an entire sentence to him, so now the ball is in his court, and I can relax.
“Do you do that a lot?” Holden asks while busy making drinks behind the bar.
“Do what?”
“Try and make small talk with complete strangers?”
And there it is. My face goes hot, and I can only imagine bright red. I bow my head, unsure what to say in response, “I … um … I …”
My breath catches in my throat as, without warning, a strong hand touches my arm. I look up, and Holden is leaning down, smiling at me. He lifts my chin with a single finger, and looking into my eyes, he says, “I’m just playing with you, all right?” He then goes back to making what looks like a Tom Collins.
I feel awkward, but I give a soft laugh to try and break the silence.
“So what brings to you to our little corner of the world?” he asks, sliding a mug of beer down to the gentleman at the end of the bar. I lift my eyebrows, impressed by his aim.
“I’m here to visit Chawton.”
“I see … family or a reader?”
“Is it that obvious?” I ask, remembering the cabbie had nailed my reason for visiting as well.
“It’s not that large of a place—few other reasons to visit.”
“It’s that exciting, huh?” I grin, and wonder if I am coming off as weird or charming.
He shakes his head, delivers one more drink, and then leans down, placing his forearms on the bar to move in closer. “It can be quite exciting, in the right company.”
Okay, now I’m sure of it. This guy is flirting with me. I want to explode. I want to squeal at the top of my lungs that this gorgeous guy is flirting with me, but I fight for composure. “I see. Well, guilty as charged. I’m here to see where she penned some of her greatest works.”
I want to smack myself . He had opened the door for me to come back with an answer that would have led to us groping in a coat closet. Instead, I answer with a pretentious and nerdy rambling.
“Does that mean you’re a writer?” he asks, and I think he seems genuine in his interest.
“I wish. I’m an assistant editor. Well, I was,” I explain. My stomach tumbles when I think that my job might not be waiting for me when I return from this little adventure.
“What does an assistant editor do?” I’m relieved he glosses over the ‘was’ comment.
This isn’t the first time someone asked this question.
“We read books submitted to our publisher and look for anything that has potential for publication.”
“So you decide what gets published?”
“Not exactly … we decide what makes it to the next round of review,” I attempt to clarify.
Holden laughs and shakes his head.
“What’s so funny?” I ask, narrowing my brow.
“Nothing."
“Something’s funny.”
“No, it’s just that your job is to read books all day. You get paid to do this?”
“Are you saying I don’t have a real job?” I gasp.
“I just can’t imagine getting paid for something like that.”
“Hey,” I quip defensively. “I’m not sure I would consider serving drinks all that meaningful of an occupation.”
I stare at Holden, and he seems to squirm a bit before adding, “I wasn’t saying your job wasn’t meaningful. I’m sorry.” His smile is intoxicating, and I wonder if anyone has ever managed to stay annoyed with him.
“It’s fine; I know you were just kidding.” I’m nervous now, wishing I hadn’t lost my cool. “Well, I may not have a job anymore anyway.”
I close my eyes. Why in the hell did I open that door?
“How do you not know if you have a job?”
“This trip … they couldn’t guarantee my job would be there when I got back,” I explain.
“Seems to me if you’re willing to take that kind of risk with your job, maybe it’s not your dream,” he reveals. My mouth hangs open, and I want to argue, but I am not sure what to say.
“One fish and chips,” I hear Bea’s voice from the kitchen and watch as a plate makes its way up to a pass-through window. Holden goes to grab the plate, and as he returns with the intoxicating smells, I find my mouth is literally watering.
He places the food in front of me, but doesn’t walk away. “So why would you leave to come here and visit Jane Austen’s home if it could mean losing your job?”
Don’t babble, Annabelle, I tell myself. He doesn’t need to know about your cheating ex fiancé. “I’m not here to just visit Jane Austen’s home. My plan is to travel the world and visit all kinds of places that inspired authors.”
“Why? Do you want to be a writer or something?” His question gives me pause.
The answer should have been simple, but it wasn’t. “Well, no, not exactly. I mean, of course, I would love to be a writer, but my life isn’t nearly interesting enough.”
“Are there criteria to being a writer besides talent?” He snickers as he asks the question.
“A writer is supposed to write what they know.”
“So write what you know.” His answer seems so simple and obvious to him. He doesn’t understand.
I huff. “It’s not that easy. I’ve never had an adventure. I got my passport in college and then never left the country besides one trip to Mexico.”
“Well, that sounds like an adventure,” he offers.
“Yeah, let’s just say I drank the water.”
He bursts out with a thunderous laugh, and I wonder if those words came out of my mouth, and hope I had just imagined it.
I don’t know what to do, so I keep babbling, hoping I can redeem myself. “I went to school and got a job. I was going to marry my college—” Damn it, Annabelle. There you go, sharing far too much information.
“Oh, I think now I’m beginning to understand.” The way he said those words drives me nuts. He doesn’t know me; hell, I don’t even know who I am, and I don’t appreciate insinuations.
“I doubt it. I’m here to see Jane Austen’s home, that’s it. No hidden agenda.”
“If you say so,” he replies, placing his hands up in the air in a surrendering motion.
I shove a french fry in my mouth and shift my attention around the room. At first, I think it’s his arrogance in assuming he knows anything about me that has pissed me off. But the longer I sit here, the more I realize what makes me so mad: he has me pegged a little too well. I am just as predictable as I had feared.
I wake up early, enchanted by the idea of borrowing one of the community bikes out in front of the inn. The Village of Chawton should only be a twenty-minute ride, at most, and I’m confident I can find my way.
After dinner last night, I’d slipped out of the bar and made my way back to my room. Many failed attempts at conversation had left me wanting to be alone in my room. Even though a fling with a gorgeous guy would have been exciting, it’s obvious to me now that it isn’t part of who I
am.
Fast-forward and here I am—that ride that should have taken twenty minutes has turned into an hour-long frustration. All I’ve managed to find on my exploration is a bunch of dirt roads and farmland. I’m beginning to wonder if there are any road signs in England at all.
To make matters worse, the weather has shifted. When I left, the sky was bright, there was a cool breeze, and the clouds were of the large, white, and puffy variety. A perfect day, to say the least. Now I’ve been trying to outrun a ominous-looking storm front. It seems that no matter which way I turn, the winds shift to bring it right back in my direction.
I hear rolling thunder and glance over my shoulder to see if the clouds are getting close. This is a mistake. In the brief moment I shift my attention from the road, the wheels skid to one side. Before I realize what is happening, I find myself on the ground, the bicycle on top of me.
I groan, leaning to one side, and shifting my aching body, I try to assess the damage. As I begin picking the bits of gravel out of my palms, I feel the first droplet of rain plant itself square on my forehead. “Great,” I mumble, shoving the bike off me and stumbling to my feet.
I pull the bike upright, all while the rain is now coming down on me. There is no more outrunning this storm; it has arrived. I straddle the bike seat and prepare to pedal. The bike shakes wildly beneath me, and I redistribute my weight on the ground over the contraption. The chain must have slipped from its location when I crashed.
“Damn it!” I shout, lifting my head to the heavens, the frustration consuming me, the rain washing over my body. Within minutes my clothes are soaked through.
Holding on tightly to my disabled transportation, I manually propel the bicycle forward. I squint my eyes to assist in seeing through the wall of rain in front of me. There are no buildings anywhere in sight, but I spot an oversized tree, its dense foliage a perfect shield for the sudden storm.
Once under the tree, I shake the excess water from my hair and wrap my arms around my body in an attempt to lessen the chill that has consumed me. Leaning the bike against the tree, I crumple to the ground, curling my body into a ball.
I’m so miserable I have to tell myself not to cry, but the tears are already forming. What are you, a child? I ask myself, trying to somehow will some strength. But I don’t feel strong. I feel weak and pathetic.
All my emotions bubble to the surface, and I am helpless to control them. I hate Jack for what he did to me, but I’m haunted by the feeling that it was somehow my fault. The nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me I could’ve been a better partner. If I had been more attentive to him, perhaps he never would have felt the need to seek affection elsewhere. I ball my hands into fists, angry for thinking this. I know this isn’t rational, I can tell myself that I didn’t do anything wrong, but the voice of doubt still lingers.
This entire trip is about me finding myself, but what does that even mean? I’m not even sure I ever ‘lost’ myself, because I never had time to even establish an identity. When friends talk about who I am, they always say the same thing, ’Oh Annabelle, she has always been a good girl. That Annabelle, always has her nose in a book.’
That isn’t who I am as a person. They aren’t personality traits. All people know about me is my hobby, which is also what I do for a living. I read. I read about everyone else’s lives and the adventures they have. I’m not sure why I ever thought this trip would give me some kind of clarity into who I really am.
I’ve spent a bunch of money I shouldn’t have, and after a week, I’m no closer to figuring things out. Hell, I can’t even carry on a decent conversation with an attractive guy without making a fool of myself. Maybe this is a mistake. Maybe I should be on the first plane back to Chicago, facing my life for what it is.
I shiver, and my wet body is aching. I jerk as I hear tires on the gravel road, just over the blind hillside. Eager to take advantage of a ride, I rise to my feet. A truck comes up over the ridge, and I notice something familiar about it. It’s the same truck I’d seen parked in front of The Three Horseshoes. I can’t see the driver until the vehicle rolls to a stop in front of the tree. Somewhere in my mind I’d expected to see Abner, but staring back at me is a wide-grinning Holden.
“You know, we have a perfectly fine shower at the inn,” he laughs.
“Real funny,” I grumble. “It was your stupid bicycle throwing a chain that left me stranded out here in the rain.”
While I speak, he wastes no time exiting the truck, and with impressive ease puts the discarded bike in the bed. “Well, come on, let’s get you home.”
I hesitate. “I was trying to find Chawton.”
“Come on, you’re not getting any drier standing out here.” He steps to the side, holding open the truck door for me. His shoulders bunch up, trying to minimize the rain falling on him.
Without another thought, I run and dive into the opening, sliding across, making room for him. He follows me in and shakes off as if he were a dog.
“Are you telling me you’ve been gone all morning, and you never even made it to the village?”
I think about his question. He knows when I left. Was he watching me? I was quiet when I snuck out, so how could he know that?
“Thanks, rub it in.” I huff. “I couldn’t find it.”
“Why didn’t you take one of the maps from the inn?” His question makes me want to sink down and hide under the seat.
“Map?”
He laughs; I’m looking at his smile. I hadn’t noticed in the dim lighting of the pub, but his teeth are incredibly white. I use whitening strips, and mine don’t even shine like that. Based on the rest of his body, though, he has been blessed with good genes.
“Why didn’t you ask one of us then?”
“I didn’t want to be a bother,” I say. I can’t tell him I pretty much thought I’d made a fool of myself the day before and wanted to avoid any further contact.
He shakes his head, confounded by me. “You’re a paying guest. How on Earth would asking for directions be a bother?”
“I don’t know …” I begin. I’m a customer, so not asking is silly. “I didn’t think anyone was up.”
“For future reference, Bea and Abner are always up at dawn.”
“And you?” I ask, surprising myself a little.
He looks over at me, studying me for a moment. “You never know with me. Depends on if I have trouble sleeping.”
“Trouble sleeping?”
“I’m a bit of an insomniac,” he reveals.
Looking at his perfect skin and handsome face, you’d never think this specimen had any such issues.
“I have that problem, too,” I admit, but I’m not about to explain that my trouble sleeping started when I caught my fiancé cheating on me. A nice simple admission to find some common ground seems fair.
“Really?” From his inflection, it almost seems like he doesn’t believe me.
“Yeah, it’s not that unusual. I think a lot of people suffer from sleepless nights.”
“I guess.” His words are soft, and I can tell he is getting lost in thoughts of something he finds troubling. It takes everything in me not to probe deeper. I’ve always had a bad habit of not understanding what is socially acceptable when it comes to situations like this one. I think some consider me nosey.
We turn on the gravel path, almost to the inn, and somewhere in the last mile we drove out of the rain. The sun is beaming down, and as we come to a stop in front, Abner comes outside to greet us. Though the day isn’t particularly cold, when I step from the truck, the breeze hits my body, and I begin to shiver.
“Abner, would you care to start a fire while Ms. Hart and I change our clothes?”
Abner nods and, with chattering teeth, I make my way inside and start up the stairs. Holden is following closely behind. Given the steep stairwell, his eyes have a direct shot of my ass. I try to remember the color of panties I put on this morning. Were they black? Were they now visible through my clothes? Dear God, don’t
let them be my granny panties.
I bow my head and focus on getting in my room as quickly as possible. I slide the key in and turn the knob, but just before I enter, I feel him grasp my arm. It startles me; I turn to face him, choking on the air as I see he is standing directly in front of me. So close in fact, by pure instinct my hands land on his chest.
“Whoa, careful,” he says, trying to steady me. “Are you all right?”
I shake my head, but I don’t step back. I like the closeness of him; I can smell a mixture of wood chips and his deodorant—intoxicating. “I’m fine,” I whisper. “Did you need something?”
“Yes, bring your clothes down with you, and I’ll have Bea toss them in the dryer.” He doesn’t release me, though. Instead, he holds my arm that is still bent, my open palms on his chest. I wish I knew what he was thinking. Our faces are close, and I find myself imagining we slip into a kiss. Soft and delicate at first, but one that rises into a feverishly passionate one. “Are you sure you’re all right?”
His question jolts me back to reality. I will be all right if I can put a few more inches between us; otherwise, I’m not sure what I’m capable of. “Yup, couldn’t be better,” I reply, pushing off his firm chest. My knees are shaking in response to the rock hard muscles that hide just beneath the damp material.
“Well, you look like you’re freezing. I’ll see you downstairs?” Holden asks. I nod, and he watches me until I’m in my room and the door is closed.
What the hell was that? I wonder to myself. There was definitely a spark there, but I have no idea if it was purely on my part or something he was also feeling.
I walk in front of the mirror and stare at myself. My mascara is running, and my hair is hanging in wet, stringy clumps all over my head. What are you doing, Annabelle? You were with Jack for years, and now a hot guy shows you the slightest bit of attention and you’re falling all over him. Snap out of it. Just as these thoughts leave my mind I can hear Kenzie’s voice pushing me forward. Have a little fun; go for it!
