by Lynn Stevens
“He sounds normal to me,” I finally said.
Luke’s hand fell on my shoulder. “Ready for tomorrow? Dad’s got the Mercedes packed already. He had me help him this afternoon while you were … well, doing whatever you were doing.”
I glanced over my shoulder to catch the smirk leaving Luke’s face.
“You okay, sis?” He stared down at me, taking his hand off my shoulder.
Nodding, I turned back toward the stage. Gracin sang about partying until midnight. Not my favorite song either. Grips, stagehands, performers, and even the janitors stopped me throughout the evening to wish me luck at school. As much as I appreciated the kind words, the reminders stabbed me like staples stuck in the carpet. Gracin had an unusual amount of fans waiting for him backstage, taking more time away from our remaining hours. Bitterness seeped into me as I watched him smile and sign every autograph.
The hands on the clock kept moving without my consent. It was nearing midnight when we finally made it to his dressing room after the show. I paced while he decompressed.
“What’s wrong, Carly?” Gracin asked from his chair.
I shook my head. If I opened my mouth, things that didn’t need to be said would be said. It was better to keep my mouth shut.
He reached for me, grabbing my arm and spinning me onto his lap. “Talk to me.”
“We’re running out of time,” I whispered, pressing my forehead into his shoulder.
He didn’t say anything to comfort me. “Come on. Let’s go home.”
A few stragglers waited in the parking lot. Tension boiled over as Gracin stopped to sign for them. It took another hour before we climbed into the truck. I was doing everything with him for the last time.
“You could’ve told them no,” I said as I buckled my seatbelt.
“You know I couldn’t.” He put the truck in drive and headed straight to the cabin, the same route we’d taken for months.
He parked in the same spot. We walked in together, for once not talking about the show. In fact, we didn’t talk at all. As soon as he closed the door behind him, I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him like he was coming in from a blizzard and needed to be heated up. My anger flowed through every action. I didn’t even give him a chance to protest or tell me to take it slow. I pushed him against the wall and devoured him. He needed this as much as I did. Or so I told myself.
We ended up in the bedroom, more exhausted than after any run or show. The tension hadn’t left my body, but I didn’t need to break down in a mess of tears. My head rested on his shoulder, and I traced the definition of his arms. Gracin squeezed me against him, kissing my forehead. He rolled me off him and stood, tugging on his boxers. I reached for the t-shirt I always wore here and pulled it over my head before following him into the living room.
He sat on the couch, staring at a small box with a red bow on top sitting in the middle of the coffee table. Smiling sadly, I strode over to where I’d dumped my bag by the front door. I took the gift out of my bag, hoping he loved it as much as I did.
“What’s that?” He pointed to the plaid-wrapped present.
I pointed to the box on the table. “What’s that?”
“Fair enough. Same time?”
I shook my head. “No. I want to see your face.”
“Okay.” He took the small box off the table and turned, tucking one leg under the other. His hands rolled the box between them. He stared at it while he spoke. “I wanted to get you something special, Carly. Something you would look at and think only of me.” He raised his head, meeting my gaze. “I …” He closed his eyes and shoved the box in my hand. “Just open it.”
I pulled the ribbon free. The lid lifted with a small creak. The world stopped spinning when I saw what sat on the velvet. A silver guitar pick pendant with the words “No Regrets” engraved in cursive script hung beside a crystal encrusted acoustic guitar like the one he treasured. I ran my finger over the words, over the guitar. Tears stung my eyes again. I quickly wiped them away.
“It’s … beautiful.” Taking it out of the box, I held it up. “Would you?”
Gracin reached around me, clasping the necklace in place. He ran his fingers along my neck where the chain rested against my skin, lifted the pick and guitar in his hands.
“It suits you.” He smiled, letting the silver fall from his fingers.
My hand landed on the suddenly inadequate gift I’d made for him. It wasn’t enough. Gracin reached for it, tugging it out from my death grip. I heard the paper tear and faced him, watching as the gift emerged.
“It’s not … It’s not enough,” I said.
Gracin stared at the wooden photo album cover that read “Gracin & Carly ~ No Regrets ~ Branson, MO” in my own erratic scrawl. I’d taken a woodworking class my junior year for shits and giggles. When I’d decided to make this, my former teacher had been more than willing to help. He’d done most of the work, but I’d carved our names into the cover. He opened the book. The first page was a detailed description of how we’d met, and my true reactions were totally included. Gracin smiled as he read the page.
“Don’t read them all,” I said when he went to turn the page.
He glanced at me before turning to a page of photos from Ivy’s barbecue. “There are more?”
I nodded even though he couldn’t see me. “I didn’t want to forget anything about this summer, so I wrote it all down.”
“This is …” He ran his hand over the photo Ivy took when we played mini-golf. Neither one of us knew she took the photo. Gracin had his putter in front of him, leaning on it as he bent toward me with one of his million dollar smiles brightening the world. My pose was similar. We looked like two people lost in one another, which we were.
“It’s not enough, but –” My fingers caressed the necklace.
“Not enough?” Gracin set the album on the coffee table and moved closer to me, taking my hand away from the pendant. He stared into my eyes, and I lost myself again. “Carly, nobody’s ever given me something like this before. You … You have no idea how much it means to me.” Gracin pulled me toward him. “Thank you. For everything.”
We sat on the couch, listening to the clock tick away our time.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
I woke up before dawn. Dad and I needed to leave by nine to get to campus before five. Nashville was just over seven hours away, and Dad wanted to stop at some famous diner in Sikeston, Missouri.
Gracin rolled into me, tightening his grip around my waist. I had to be home by seven-thirty to make sure everything was packed and to have breakfast with my family. I didn’t want to leave Gracin, but I didn’t want to stay any longer either. We agreed we’d say our goodbyes and the morning would be time with the family. I regretted that decision, but it was the right one. Our relationship had ended last night. This tiny bit of morning I got with him was nothing more than torture.
While I debated waking him or running out the door, his eyes fluttered open. A lazy smile filled his face and disappeared almost as fast. He closed his eyes and sighed.
“For a moment, I forgot,” he whispered.
I opened my mouth, but shut it quickly. Forgetting was the easy way out.
“When?” He sat up, pulling me with him.
“Soon. Too soon.”
He nodded. I glanced down at the shirt I’d slept in. It was Gracin’s first marathon shirt. He’d let me wear it the first night I’d stayed, and I’d worn it every night after.
“You can keep it.” Gracin nodded to the shirt.
“I shouldn’t.”
“Please. I’d sleep better at night if I knew you were wearing that.” His face turned a light pink. He turned his head away so I couldn’t see his expression.
“Okay. Thank you.” My stomach rolled. Our conversation had never been so awkward or uncomfortable. I didn’t know what to say. I took in the room one last time.
“Do you want breakfast? Or something?” Gracin turned his back to me and stood, already wearing runnin
g shorts.
“Having breakfast with the fam.” The words, forced and unwanted, weighed on my tongue. “I should … I guess I should go.”
“Can I walk you out?” Gracin stood by the door to his room and ran his hand through his hair. “Damn it, Carly. Why is this so fucking hard?”
I closed my eyes, not wanting to cry again. “I wish I knew. Do you … Do you want me to leave?”
“No.” His head snapped to me. “But we can’t ….”
Nodding, I stood and made my way toward my bag. “But if things were different?”
“They aren’t.” Gracin slipped his arms around my waist. “As much as I wish they were, they aren’t going to change. We can’t ….”
“The more you say it, the harder it hurts, Gracin.” I pulled away from him and took my bag to the bathroom, locking the door behind me.
Thirty minutes later, I looked more human than I felt. Gracin sat on the couch with his head in his hands, the album open on the table. I glanced at the page. It was the details of the cocktail party, the night we agreed to have only this summer. I cleared my throat, and his head shot up.
“I should ….” I motioned toward the front door.
Gracin nodded and stood. I stared at him for a moment, memorizing everything about him. He wore a black t-shirt that defined every inch of his toned body, and a pair of jeans hung low on his hips. He didn’t bother with shoes.
I pulled my eyes away from him and moved toward the door. Gracin stopped me with a hand on my shoulder. I turned around. His eyes betrayed everything and nothing. The turmoil roiling through them matched my own. This was for the best.
“If only things were different,” he whispered.
“If only,” I agreed.
He bent down and brushed his lips against mine. “Goodbye, Carly May Reynolds.”
Here was my chance to come clean, to tell him how much I cared. But I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t fair to him. “Goodbye, Jonathan Gracin Ford.”
I ran out the door and hopped on the scooter, not looking back. Once I was far enough away, I pulled over and let the tears fall. Had I known how hard this moment was going to be a few months ago, would I have spared myself the pain? This hurt more than I’d anticipated, more than I thought possible, more than I wanted. I never wanted to let a guy into my heart, and I’d done that with Gracin, knowing it wouldn’t last past summer.
This was my own doing. As much as I wanted to not experience this agony, every moment we had together was worth it. He was worth it.
∞ ∞ ∞
Leaving Gracin had taken everything from me. I didn’t have any fight left when it came to my parents. I simply agreed with whatever they said during breakfast without hearing a single thing.
Miranda leaned closer to me during a particularly heated debate about where my parents thought I should eat breakfast the next day. “I’ll keep my eye on him for you.”
“Who?”
“Gracin, of course. I’ll let you know what he’s up to.” Miranda smiled like this was a good idea.
“Please don’t.” I stared at her, hoping she understood how much pain I was in. “We promised each other … I can’t handle …” Dad said my name, and I faced him with a fake smile. “Yeah?”
“What do you think?” He raised an eyebrow.
“Honestly, Dad, I wasn’t listening.” I put my hands on the table and stood. “I’ll figure this stuff out when I get to school, okay? The world won’t end if I don’t figure out where I’m eating breakfast until tomorrow morning.” My hand went to the necklace, and I rubbed the pick. “I’m going to check my room one last time.”
Their voices drifted down the hall, but I couldn’t understand anything they said. My room was packed and everything I needed for college loaded into the Mercedes. I sat at the vanity I’ve had since my eighth birthday. Pictures of me and Nena and Ivy were tucked into the frame of the mirror. I wanted to bring them, but I didn’t. They belonged to this part of my life, not the one I was heading toward. My eyes drifted over each one until they finally met my reflection. Had I seen this girl on the street, I would’ve thought she was strung out on something. My eyes were hollow and my skin pale. A pair of fake fangs and a swipe of too-red lipstick and I’d make a great vampire.
I stared at the necklace. A surge of pain lifted up my chest into my throat. It had only been a few hours, but it seemed like years since I’d seen him. My eyes may have looked hollow, but I was truly empty inside. A big piece of the Carly puzzle was missing, and I doubted if it would ever be found again.
“Come on, Carly. We need to get on the road,” Dad yelled down the hall.
I stood and walked out of my room, closing it behind me. Dad waited by the front door. He stopped me before I made it outside.
“You okay, kiddo?” The etched concern around his eyes made me want to lie to him, but I’d made a promise.
“No, Daddy. I’m not.”
He hugged me. “You’ll be home for Thanksgiving.”
“That’s not it,” I said.
“Gracin?” He held me away from him, staring into my eyes. I nodded. “Things have a way of working themselves out, bug.”
I smiled at his poor attempt to make me feel better. “Maybe.”
He nodded and held out his arm toward the door. I stepped outside. Mom and Miranda stood at the end of the driveway along with Luke, Nena, and Ivy. I ran to my friends and pulled them into my arms.
“I’m not leaving until tomorrow,” Ivy said through a round of fresh tears. “Nena’s not leaving until Monday. No way we were going to let you go without seeing you off.”
“Thank you.” I squeezed them again.
“Girls, dry your eyes. I want a picture of you three together.” Mom moved us into the same pose we’d done for years.
I laughed and dried my tears on the hem of my shirt.
Miranda grabbed me next, promising to stay out of my closet, which was a total lie. Luke hugged me with one arm, because he was too cool to give his little sister a real hug. Typical. Mom snapped pictures of me with everyone and made Luke take several of me with both her and Dad. I didn’t mind.
“Okay, guys. We need to go. We’re running late as it is,” Dad announced.
I looked at my phone. Five minutes until nine. Nena and Ivy pulled me aside for another hug, but my eyes drifted toward the street. He wasn’t coming. I knew he wasn’t, but hope springs eternal and all that jazz. I pulled away from my friends and moved toward the passenger door. Glancing one last time down the street, I waved to everyone and climbed into the Mercedes.
“You ready?” Dad asked as soon as his seatbelt clicked.
I nodded and pressed my forehead against the cool glass. Hopefully I’d fall asleep quickly so I wouldn’t have to think about this anymore. Once I was in Nashville, I could really move on. The engine cut off.
“What’s wrong?” I turned toward Dad.
His eyes focused on the rearview mirror. “Someone else came to say goodbye.”
I turned around to see Gracin getting out of his truck. My fingers couldn’t release the seatbelt fast enough. I pulled open the door and ran to him, jumping into his arms and crushing my mouth against his.
“I’m sorry. I couldn’t let you leave without seeing you one more time. I know we agreed …” His lips found mine again. “I’m going to miss you so much, Carly. You have to know… You need to know ….” He pressed his forehead to mine, and the dampness on his cheeks matched mine. “You need to know how much you mean to me, how much you’ve helped me. God, Carly, you’ve made me a better person just by being with me. I can’t … Nobody will ever mean this much to me again.”
I reached up and put my hands on each side of his face. Staring into his eyes, I said what I should’ve said a long time ago. “And you need to know how much I love you, Gracin.”
His eyes widened and a sad smile spread across his face. “If only.”
“No regrets, okay?” My thumbs wiped away his tears.
“Never.”
He pressed his lips against mine. “You better go. Your dad’s going to have a heart attack if you don’t get on the road.”
I nodded. “You’ll be okay, Gracin. Better than okay.”
“And so will you.”
I walked backward until my ass hit the passenger door. This time it really felt like goodbye.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
I’d hoped school would be enough of a distraction, but it wasn’t. My roommate wasn’t a party animal or a study animal. She wasn’t a terrible person, but the illusion of her ever being my best college friend had disappeared after the first day when she said she’d never heard of Merle Haggard. We co-existed from that point on.
Two weeks went by, and I hadn’t really talked to anyone other than the school’s therapist. And that had only been one appointment so far. I was a shell walking around, checking my cell phone for a call that would never come. It was a good thing freshmen weren’t allowed cars or I would’ve driven home the first weekend.
There wasn’t a point now. Gracin had left two days ago. Miranda had sent me an email with that update. I’d cried myself to sleep. It was the final nail in the coffin.
Dr. Snyder was cool. She had listened as I’d blubbered on about Gracin and hadn’t pushed me. I’d scheduled another appointment for the following week. As much as I wanted to believe I had my shit together, it was just another lie I told myself. I’d promised Dad I wouldn’t lie to him anymore, so it was time I stopped lying to myself too.
I sat at my computer, staring at the blank screen. My first English comp essay was due in a week, and I had no idea what to write about. My email siren wailed, sending a shot of bile up my throat. Every sound made me hope Gracin was the one contacting me, no matter how many times I told myself that wasn’t going to happen. I swallowed hard and clicked open the browser. Miranda. The weight on my heart returned ten-fold. She probably wanted to rehash her day, and I wasn’t in the mood. Then again, I didn’t have anything else on my plate besides a nonexistent essay and three chapters of history to read. Miranda’s email couldn’t be half as bad as all that.
