by Lynn Stevens
“Eddie likes someone else.” She sniffled and barreled into the story. Apparently, Eddie had a crush on a new girl in school, and he’d asked her to homecoming. Much to Miranda’s dismay, the new girl had said yes.
While Miranda poured her heart out, Tagg strolled toward me with his hands shoved deep in his pockets. He cocked his head when he saw me on the bench and smiled before sitting a little too close.
“I don’t know what to do.” A small sob echoed through the phone.
Several not-so-nice things popped into my head. A few months ago, they wouldn’t have stayed there, but Miranda didn’t need to hear them. She needed an honest opinion from someone who’d risked her heart and lost. God, I hated thinking of myself like that, but it was the truth.
“Meerkat, if you want Eddie, you need to go for it,” I whispered. Tagg didn’t need to overhear this conversation. I turned so my back was to him.
“What if he …” She didn’t finish, but she didn’t need to.
I sighed and gave her the advice she needed from me. It was the real reason she called. Sitting straight, I kept my voice steady although the pain seeped through me like a fresh wound. “If he doesn’t want to be with you, it’s going to hurt like hell, but then you’ll know. And it’s better to know than not know.”
“What if he does, and it doesn’t work out?” she squeaked.
“Then you gave it everything you had, Miranda. If you don’t try, you won’t know.”
She breathed into the phone, heavy with the weight of her choice. Go for it with a boy she’d liked for three years or just be his friend. It wasn’t easy nor a choice I ever wanted to face again. Especially because I’d lost.
“Carly, can I ask you something? But you have to promise not to get mad at me.”
I inhaled sharply, knowing this wasn’t a question I wanted to come from my little sister.
“Did you try? With … him, I mean. Did you really try?”
My eyes closed, and I had to tell her the truth. “There wasn’t anything to try for, Miranda. He’s on the other side of the country.”
“What if he wasn’t? Would you try then?”
“Yes,” I said without a second’s hesitation. “But he’s not. So there’s no point in dreaming about something that won’t happen. Okay? Can we please not bring this up again?”
“If that’s what you want.” Her voice lifted, happier than when she first called.
“I need, Meerkat. I’m trying here …” A hand touched my shoulder. I’d totally forgotten Tagg sitting next to me. “I really need to go, sis. Let me know how it goes with Eddie, okay?”
“Just check your email, and I’ll keep it only about me.”
I laughed as she hung up the phone.
“Sister, huh? I kinda pegged you for an only child.” Tagg’s hand was still on my shoulder and I shifted gently to let it fall off naturally.
“You pegged wrong. So, what’re you doing here?” I scooted down the bench an inch and turned to face him. “It’s a little early, don’t ya think?”
“Only if you’re not up for the best breakfast in Nashville.” Tagg held up his hands in mock surrender. “What do you think? Can you suffer through a morning with me for the best pancakes this side of the Mississippi?”
“That’s a tall order to fill, Taggert. You better be ready to deliver.” I pointed as I stood and turned my back on him. “Give me twenty minutes, okay?”
“Mind if I wait in your room, or is your roommate still sleeping?” He held the door for me, forcing me to duck under his arm.
“She went home for the weekend. With any luck, she won’t be back.” I stopped in the middle of the stairwell, and Tagg slammed into my back. His hands gripped my hips, digging his fingers into my skin. Even though it was only to stop himself from falling, it didn’t feel right. My only reaction to this smart boy was a shiver of get-your-hands-off-me. I moved up two steps to put some distance between us. “Sorry.”
“No worries. So not digging the roomie, huh? Is she that big of a bitch or just that lame?”
“Neither, she’s just not someone I’d choose to live with.” I stopped again, remembering why I’d done it before. I glanced over my shoulder with a single eyebrow raised. “You have to promise me one thing. You won’t snoop through my stuff.”
“What about your roomie’s?”
“Couldn’t care less.”
Tagg smiled wickedly and held up one hand while the other crossed his heart. “I promise to put everything back where I found it.”
Shaking my head, I ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time. Tagg huffed behind me, trying to keep up. As I opened the door, my phone rang. This time I glanced at the caller ID before answering it. It wasn’t a known number, but the ID flashed “California Call” across the screen. My heart froze. Could it be?
I swiped the screen and answered. “Hello?” A long pause, so long I thought he’d hung up. “Gracin?”
“Are you in debt? Consolidating your credit cards –” The computer-generated voice stabbed me with each icicle-like needle.
My phone took flight across the room, slamming into my bed and bouncing against the wall. Why the hell had I let my hopes soar? I blamed my conversation with Miranda. If Gracin lived closer or had stayed in Branson, I would’ve found a way to make it work. Even thinking about him gave me hope, and I didn’t need that right now. I didn’t need to miss him. I needed to let him go. But I didn’t want to. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and tell him I loved him again. Wish in one hand, shit in the other.
“You okay? That seemed like a harsh reaction for a sales call.”
I breathed deep. Damn it. I’d forgotten about Tagg again. Letting a fake laugh escape, I decided to do what I did best, crack a joke. “You should hear me when I get a real person.”
“That would be … interesting.” He reached for my phone and thumbed it awake. I stopped breathing entirely. “Screen’s not broken.” He held it up for me to see. The lock screen showed me with my arms wrapped around Gracin’s neck. “Who’s the bloke?”
“Nobody.” I yanked the phone from his loose grip and shoved it in my waistband. Moving around the room like an errant rocket, I grabbed my shower kit and a change of clothes. “Just wait here. I’ll be back in a few.”
Once I was free of Tagg, I let the tears stream down my cheeks. Would this ever end? It’d been a month. I hadn’t expected the pain to go away overnight, but I had thought it would lessen. A shower would help. I hurried down the hall toward the bathrooms, thankful most of my floor didn’t get up before nine on the weekends.
The hot water eased the tightness in my muscles, and washed away the tears. Would I ever stop crying over him? Even more, did I want to? Would that mean I was over him, when I didn’t want to be? The answers were more elusive than a chupacabra.
When I got back to my room, Tagg sat on my bed with my photo album on his lap.
“Guess you forgot our deal?” I stood in the room, ready to kick his ass out when he glanced up at me.
“I didn’t make a deal. I distracted you into thinking I did by throwing your roommate into the mix, but I never agreed to not snoop.” His smug expression made me want to punch him. He pointed to the photo of me and Gracin at the cocktail party. “This the California guy?”
I nodded slowly, trying to figure out the best way to throttle him without smashing his pretty face. Even if I didn’t get the warm and fuzzy for the guy didn’t mean I should ruin it for any other girl.
“Can I ask you something?” He dropped his gaze back to the photo. “If he wasn’t in the picture, would you give a guy like me a shot?”
Again, not the question I’d expected. Just the idea of it scrambled my brain. I’d tested the chemistry between us, and it was nonexistent. Maybe if I hadn’t fallen for Gracin, I would’ve bagged Tagg, but I was so sick of the maybes in my life.
“Tagg, it’s not that simple.” I moved into the room and sat on the other bed. “I don’t know what I’d be like if … It
doesn’t matter anyway. He’s not in the picture. Not anymore.”
“Because he’s in California?”
“Yeah.” The word came out on the wave of a sigh.
Tagg shut the album and put it on the bed beside him. “Well, then, there’s only one solution to this problem.” He raised his head, meeting my gaze. All the seriousness of our brief conversation was gone. Relief washed through me, and I relaxed a little.
“And what’s that?”
“The solution to all the problems in the universe. Have I taught you nothing, grasshopper?” He stood with flourish and wiggled his fingers. I let him pull me to my feet, dropping his hand as soon as balance was achieved. “Pancakes. And lots of them. I promised you the best pancakes in Nashville, now I must keep said promise.” He paused for a moment as if considering part of the equation that eluded him before. “Unless you don’t want to.”
“Friends eat breakfast together, right?” I needed to set the boundaries with absolute clear lines. Tagg needed to understand where he stood so he didn’t waste his time on something that wasn’t about to happen.
“Yes, they do.” He headed toward the door and stopped with his hand on the knob. “And the best part? Friends don’t worry about how many pancakes they eat either. And I totally plan on eating my height, if not my weight, in their fluffy goodness.”
“As long as you don’t need to unbutton those jeans, we’ll be good.” I pushed him out the door, glad to be back to our usual banter.
“You’d be surprised how many girls say that to me, Carly. I just can’t understand why.” His sarcasm was a gift few people used with grace.
“That’s a discussion for another day. Now, wow me with your pancakes.”
Tagg shook his head. “That’s too easy.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Three months, and nothing. No texts, no emails, no phone calls. I avoided typing his name into the computer. I avoided Hollywood blogs and news. If he was already seeing someone else or making waves with the paparazzi, I didn’t want to know.
I stared at my roommate’s empty bed. She hadn’t made it past the middle of October before dropping out. I liked having a single room, but I felt bad for the girl. She’d moved out one Saturday and never said goodbye. Shaking my head, I shoved the rest of the laundry in the bag and checked my phone for the time. Luke would be here in twenty minutes or so to take me home for Thanksgiving. It’d be nice to see everyone, but I wasn’t sure how I would handle the rush of memories being home would bring. That was the best part about living seven hours away. I was far enough away the memories wouldn’t overload my brain every time I saw something that reminded me of Gracin. I had enough memories inside as it was.
The necklace was cool between my fingers. I let the silver fall to my chest and closed the rucksack. Taking laundry home for the holidays was a rite of passage for college students. I imagined Mom’s face when Luke and I showed up with overfilled bags of dirty clothes.
The rat-a-tat-tat on the door drew me from thoughts of home. I pulled it open, knowing Chloe would be on the other side. She liked drumming on my door.
“Can you believe it’s already Thanksgiving?” Chloe rushed into the room and eyed the empty bed. “We are totally rooming together next semester. No way I’m stuck with the Shrew anymore. God, if I’m even on the phone with a guy, she’s rolling her eyes and telling me I’m going to hell. I mean, hell’s totally on my agenda but after college.”
I chuckled as she fell onto the bed. “Too bad you have to suffer another night before heading home.”
“Yeah, but it won’t be long until I’m living the dream.” Chloe rolled to her side and propped herself up on her elbow. “Speaking of dreams, I’ve been talking to Tagg.”
“Not this again,” I said, leaning against the door and sliding to the floor. “We’ve had this conversation, Chloe. It’s not going to happen.”
“Why not? He’s a great guy. He’s totally into you, and he knows why you’re resistant.” Chloe sighed and shook her head. Her voice softened. “It’s been three months, Carly. He hasn’t tried to contact you. Don’t you think he would’ve despite your dumbass deal?”
Yeah, but the phone works both ways. Not that I’d tell her that. Not that she didn’t already know.
“Look, I’m not saying you need to run off and marry Tagg.” I cringed, and she kept right on going. “Just give him a chance. Open up to him a little. You guys are great together. When he’s not trying to get in your pants and you’re not cock-blocking him, it’s like you’re already a couple. I’d give my right nipple for that kind of chance.”
“No, you wouldn’t.” I smiled despite myself. Tagg’s face crossed my mind. He wasn’t unattractive, and we did get along great. Three months, and nothing. Chloe was right. I needed to move on, but with Tagg? I wasn’t sure he was a one-and-done kind of guy. Hell, I wasn’t sure I was that girl anymore. “It wouldn’t be fair, Chloe. To Tagg, I mean. He’d only get hurt in the long run.”
“Maybe he will, maybe he won’t. But don’t you think he knows that already?” Chloe slid off the bed and sat cross-legged in front of me. “He’s willing to take the risk for you, Carly. You just need to be willing to take the risk for him.” She glanced at her watch. “Oh, shit. You’ve got to get going. Your brother’s probably waiting for you.” She stood and pulled me to my feet, hugging me like we’d been best friends forever. “Just think about it, okay? Don’t throw away a chance at something great for something you don’t have anymore.”
Chloe let herself out as I gathered my rucksack and a nearly empty pilot case. I’d be back on campus Sunday and still had clothes at home to bring back with me, so there wasn’t a lot to pack. I locked my door, staring at a new message on my dry erase board. A few of the girls on my floor had wished me a great holiday weekend. A small message in the corner caught my attention.
He’s the past, find your future. ~ C
Sometimes Chloe was less than subtle, but her concern made me smile. Maybe she was right, it was time to really let Gracin go. Even thinking about it made my stomach clench. I imagined what it would be like to kiss Tagg as I walked down the stairs. I’d lean into Tagg, but it would be Gracin when we broke apart. Could I really use Tagg like that? Could I intentionally hurt him just to get over Gracin?
I pushed open the door and saw Tagg sitting on the bench. He hadn’t noticed me yet. I took a few minutes to observe him. His head bobbed to whatever played in his ear buds, flopping his hair against his forehead. It was probably the band we’d seen last weekend. He’d loved their sound and found their website, downloading all their songs. He lifted his hand, using a finger to adjust the oversize tortoise frames. His foot rolled to the beat in his vintage gray boat shoes. Everything about Tagg screamed “This is who I am, deal or leave.” I liked that about him.
But could I love him?
Maybe someday. Maybe not.
As if he knew I was watching him, his head turned and he met my gaze. A smile slipped onto his face, spreading like a river out of its banks. I smiled back. He stood and strolled over to me, taking the rucksack and tossing it over his shoulder. Then he kissed my cheek. There was a tiny tingle. Just enough to make me think Chloe really was right.
“Hey, I thought you might need some help.”
My face heated. Tagg was thoughtful. More importantly, Tagg was here. “Thanks.”
We started walking toward the visitor lot where Luke had promised to meet me. The conversation was casual, just the usual chit-chat about family holidays, but the underlining tension wasn’t dissipating like it normally did.
“So, did you talk to Chloe?” he asked, shifting the rucksack from one shoulder to the other.
I nodded, not knowing what to say to him. My gaze stayed on my boots. It was easier not to look at him as I decided. Why was this so damned hard? I’d never worried about hurting a guy’s feelings before. Maybe that was because I knew where I stood with them from the beginning. Most of my previous relationships were nothing more
than making out, and maybe more. At least until I’d met Gracin.
Was I going to compare every guy I met to Gracin for the rest of my life? Gracin didn’t want me. If he did, he’d be here. Wouldn’t he?
Tagg put a hand on my arm to stop me. “Just give me a chance. That’s all I’m asking.”
A chance. Was that really so much? I lifted my head to meet his eyes, but I couldn’t. Not yet. I wasn’t ready to hold my broken heart out to him. I glanced toward the parking lot, and the world stopped. A black Nissan Titan sat in the front row. My heart raced with the hope of seeing Gracin again. I glanced down to license plates. Tennessee, not California.
I closed my eyes, fighting the stream of tears that hope brought to my eyes. Even though it wasn’t Gracin’s truck, it answered all the questions swirling in my head. I faced Tagg, staring him straight in the eye. He needed to understand how I really felt, and that it wasn’t going to change in three little months.
“Tagg, you’re a great guy,” I began. He rolled his eyes, but didn’t interrupt me. “But I can’t do this anymore. I … I love Gracin. Even if he’s not here, even if he’s in California with some other girl, I love him. That’s not going away. And it’s not fair to you. I can’t … I can’t hurt you.” I reached up and wiped the tears from my eyes. “I don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t be anything other than your friend.”
“I don’t …” He broke eye contact and stared at something behind me. His shoulders slumped further. “You really love this guy that much?”
A sad smile broke on my face. I pointed toward the truck in the lot. “I know it’s stupid to love someone who doesn’t love you back, but I saw that truck and I thought it was him. I wanted it to be him so badly, Tagg. I needed it to be him. It was like I finally came alive after a three-month sleep.” I turned back to my friend, hoping he wouldn’t throw it all away. “I can’t change how I feel. I love Gracin with every fiber of my being, and I doubt I’ll ever stop loving him.”
