“Come inside,” I said, quietly moaning, pulling him closer, needing him closer.
“Don’t invite me inside.”
His fingers deepened. My heartbeats heightened. I felt everything in those moments. Every fear, every want, every need…
Feel.
Taste.
Suck.
Oh my God, Logan…
“Come inside,” I ordered, wrapping one leg around his waist.
“No, High.”
“Yes, Lo.”
“If I come inside, I won’t be gentle,” he swore. “If I come inside, we don’t talk about anything. We don’t mention the past, we don’t discuss the present, and we don’t talk about the tomorrows. If I come inside, I fuck you. I fuck you hard. I fuck you wild. I fuck you to shut off my brain, and you fuck me to quiet yours. And then I leave.”
“Logan.”
“Alyssa.”
“Lo…”
“High…”
I blinked once, and when I reopened my eyes, I promised myself not to look away from him again. “Come inside.”
***
We didn’t make it past the piano in the living room. As his mouth found my lips he kissed me like I’d never been kissed before. It was hard, rough, ugly, and sad. So fucking sad. The fire in my chest was burning hot as I kissed him back harder, wanting him more than he could’ve ever wanted me. We tore off each other’s clothing, knowing that this was a life timeout. This was a chance to silence our minds and screw the hurt out of one another. He wrapped his arms around me and lifted me up, placing my back against the piano.
He took my hand and slid it over his hardness. I stroked him as his fingered me, our stare never faltering from one another.
Feel.
Taste.
Suck.
Yes…
Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a condom and slid it on before spreading my knees wider. As he slid into me, I cried out in bliss, in pleasure, in the deepest kinds of ache. His fingers dug into my skin as mine clutched onto his back. My arms gripped him tight as he thrust deep into me, making my body tremble beneath his body weight. We rocked against the piano keys, the sounds matching our wants, our needs, our confusion, our fears. He rolled in and out of me, and I begged him not to let go. We were so broken. We were so worn out from the lives that we lived. But tonight we made love with the broken pieces.
It was intense, it was sacred, it was heartbreaking.
It had its lows, it had its highs.
Oh God. It felt so wrong, yet always right.
I missed him.
I missed us.
I missed us so much.
When he left, he didn’t say a single word.
When he left, I hoped he’d come back tomorrow.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Logan
I’d been cooking since the age of five. Ma used to leave me at home with nothing but a can of soup, so I had to learn how to use a can opener and the stove to heat it up all on my own. When I turned nine, I was making personal-sized pizzas with homemade dough, using ketchup and Kraft cheese slices as toppings. By the time I was thirteen, I knew how to stuff and roast a whole chicken.
So the fact that Jacob sat frowning across from me was troubling. We sat at a booth in Bro’s Bar & Grill as I placed my dish of mushroom and sausage risotto in front of him. The restaurant was still closed, and it was the second time he’d made me sit across from him with an entrée.
“Hmm…” he murmured, taking his spoon and scooping up a large bite of risotto. I watched him chew really slowly, not showing any emotion in his face as he debated his opinion, as if my food was good enough to allow me to work in his kitchen.
“No,” he flatly said. “This isn’t it.”
“Are you kidding me?” I asked, baffled and insulted. “That dish got me through culinary school. It was my final meal.”
“Well, your teachers failed you then. I don’t know how they do things in Iowa, but here in Wisconsin, we like food that actually tastes good.”
“Screw you, Jacob.”
He smiled. “Bring me another dish next week. We’ll see how that goes.”
“I’m not going to keep bringing you dishes for you to keep shooting down. This is ridiculous. I can make the food on your menu. Just give me the job.”
“Logan. I love you. I really do. But no. I need you to cook with heart!”
“I cook with my hands!”
“But not with any heart. Come back when you find it.”
I flipped him off. He laughed again. “And don’t forget, you still owe me that hair mask recipe!”
***
“How are things going so far, being back in town?” Kellan asked me as we sat in the clinic where he was getting his third round of chemotherapy. I hated the place, because it made his cancer seem more real than I was ready for, but I tried my best to hide my fears. He needed me to be his brother who stood by him, not the weak guy that I felt like becoming.
Watching the nurses hook all types of IVs into his arms was hard for me. Seeing how he winced sometimes in pain, was almost the death of me. But still, I tried to act normal.
“Things are fine. Jacob’s being an asshole, though. He said I had to perfect three dishes before he’d hire me to work in his kitchen.”
“That seems fair,” Kellan said.
I rolled my eyes. “I’m a great cook! You know that!”
“Yeah, but Jacob doesn’t. Just test out a few different dishes at the house. No big deal.”
He was right, it wasn’t a big deal, but it was still annoying seeing how Jacob offered me the job when I first came here, but was now putting guidelines on it.
“How has it been seeing Alyssa?” he asked, closing his eyes. “That has to be weird.”
“You mean seeing her with or without her clothes on?”
His eyes shot open, shock hitting him. “No! You’re sleeping with Alyssa?” he whisper-shouted.
I clutched my teeth together and shrugged. “Define ‘sleeping.’”
“Logan!”
“What?!”
“Why? Why are you sleeping with Alyssa? This is a terrible idea. This is a completely, out of this world, horrible idea. I thought the plan was to avoid her at all costs so you don’t fall back into your past. God. You seriously slept with her? How does that even happen?”
“Well, when two people take off their clothes…” I started smirking.
“Shut up. I was having sex when you were still wearing underwear with superheroes on them. But how did it happen with you two?”
I couldn’t tell him that I went to her when I was falling apart, because he’d feel terrible about me not being strong. But, I didn’t want to lie. So I told the truth. “She always reminds me of home.”
He got a cheesy grin. “After all this time, after everything you guys went through, it’s still there, huh?”
“It’s just sex, Kellan. And we have only done it once. No commitment. No strings. Just a way to let loose.”
“No. It’s never been just sex between you two. Just to be clear, I always liked you guys together. Erika hated it, but I loved it.”
“Speaking of Erika, let’s not tell her. She’d freak out.”
“Freak out about what?” Erika said, walking back into the room with coffee in her left hand and a textbook in her right. She’d been taking night classes for her master’s degree, and when she wasn’t taking care of Kellan, her head was in a book. Sometimes even when she was taking care of Kellan, her head was still in a book.
“I broke a saucer at your house by accident,” I lied.
She glanced up from her book. “What?!”
“My bad.”
She started questioning me about every detail of the incident with the plate that I didn’t even really break, and Kellan smirked at me, before closing his eyes and waiting to finish his chemotherapy treatment.
***
Thirty-two hours after Kellan had his chemotherapy, he was determined to play a show
at a bar. Erika and I both tried to talk him out of it, but he refused, telling us that he couldn’t just give up his dream. A black baseball cap sat on his head every day now, as he tried to hide the proof that he was losing his hair, but I knew better.
We never talked about it, though.
Kellan’s breaths were heavy as we walked from the house to the car, as if the few steps were almost deadly to him. That worried me so much.
“See, guys?” He took a deep inhale followed by a deeper exhale. Erika helped him into the passenger seat. “I’m fine.”
Erika grimaced for a moment, before giving him a fake smile. “You’re really doing great. I can’t wait to see in a few weeks how the chemo is working, because I know it is. I just have a feeling. And I love that we are keeping our normal lives, too. That you’re still playing the guitar at places. Routine is important, the doctors say. This is good. This is all good.” Erika kept repeating the words, and I placed a comforting hand toward the front passenger seat where Kellan sat.
I saw him give me a weak smile through the rearview mirror.
We only made it a few blocks before we had to pull over the car. Kellan launched from his seat, and started throwing up on the side of the road. Erika and I both rushed to his side, holding him steady so he wouldn’t fall over.
This cancer was becoming more real each day.
I hated it.
I hated everything about this disgusting disease. How it took the strongest people in the world and forced them to be weak. How it not only touched your loved ones, but sucked them dry.
If there were a magic pill I could have to take away all of his pain and transfer it to me, I’d take it every day of my life.
My brother didn’t deserve to be going through his current struggles.
No human did.
I wouldn’t wish cancer on my worst enemy.
We got him back to the car and drove straight home, knowing there was no way Kellan could’ve performed in his current state. When we arrived to their house, both Erika and I had to help him walk into his bedroom.
“I’m fine,” he said, his voice exhausted. “I just need a little sleep. I should’ve planned the show further away from the chemo. Just a stupid mistake.”
“I’ll be in the living room studying if you need anything, okay hun?” Erika said, helping him lie down, and then covering him up. She kissed his nose, and he closed his eyes.
“Okay.”
She left the room, and I stayed behind, watching his chest rise and fall. He looked so skinny that it made me ill. How can I fix you? What can I do to make this right?
“I’m fine, Logan,” he said, as if he were reading my mind.
“I know, it’s just… I worry, that’s all.”
“Don’t waste your time. Because I’m fine.”
I shrugged my left shoulder. I love you, brother.
He shrugged his right, as if he could see my action even with his eyes closed.
“I’m gonna go out for a little bit. Have Erika call me if you need anything.”
“Going out for some cookies? For a little shake? For some adult activities with a girl named Alyssa?” he teased.
“Kellan, shut up,” I laughed.
But yeah.
That was exactly where I was going.
Chapter Thirty
Alyssa
The first time, he stood on my front porch, ran his hands through his hair, and told me to not invite him inside. Then, he came back the next day, and the next. And the next. I wanted to know the kinds of thoughts that ran through his mind each day. What his daydreams were like and what his nightmares entailed. But since we weren’t talking, I’d have to use his body language to figure it out. When he was angry with his parents, he was rough. When he was heartbroken about Kellan, his body lingered against mine a bit longer.
I stepped to the left of my doorframe. He entered the house.
We didn’t make it past the foyer this time. He ripped at my clothes, and I tore at his. He lifted me up against the front closet door, and tugged on my hair as my hands became tangled in his. My legs wrapped tightly around his waist, and he didn’t warn me before he entered. The shock sent ripples through me, making me moan his name as he began pounding me, each thrust harder than the last. I was seconds away from losing myself against him.
One of his hands gripped my back and the other squeezed my breasts as he rocked in deeper.
Feel.
Taste.
Suck.
Fuck…
We were slowly becoming addicted to the act of him showing up, and me inviting him in. Passion was our drug, and we were addicted to the high. I cried out his name as he grunted out mine. We thrust and heaved and clenched and sighed. We caught our breaths as he lowered my feet to the ground. But this time, instead of leaving my house, he started walking toward my living room.
“What are you doing?” I asked as he walked down my hallway, toward my bedroom.
“Put your clothes back on.”
“What? Why?”
“So I can take them off again.”
Chapter Thirty-One
Logan
My greatest fucking High…
Chapter Thirty-Two
Alyssa
My most painful Lo…
Chapter Thirty-Three
Logan
“She’s not home,” a kind voice said. I’d been standing there for a few minutes, knocking, waiting for her to let me in, but there hadn’t been an answer. “She’s working at Red’s piano bar tonight. She’ll be performing there all week long.”
“Oh, okay. Thanks.”
The voice belonged to a woman who was probably around her seventies, and had silvery-gray hair that fell down her back. She was sitting on the porch next door, in a rocking chair, reading a novel as she hummed to a tune of her own. As I started down Alyssa’s steps, the woman spoke again.
“So what’s your motive with Aly, huh?”
“Excuse me?”
“Come here,” she ordered, waving me over as she closed her book. I walked over to her front porch and took a seat beside her. “My name’s Lori, and I’ve known that girl next door for many years now. Served more pancakes with her than anyone I’ve ever worked with. She has guys throwing themselves at her daily, yet she never even looks their way. But then this mysterious boy comes to town, and she loses her mind. What’s the deal with you?”
“She and I used to be really close. About five years ago.”
“Oh,” she murmured, nodding. “You’re Logan. The boy in the box.”
“What?”
“Under her bed, there’s a box. You’re all that’s in it. Memories, keepsakes. The one boy she can’t seem to shake.” She placed her hand around the locket hanging around her neck. “I know what that’s like.”
“I’m sure she’s over whatever we had years ago. She told me she was.”
Lori raised an eyebrow and tilted her head. “Men are stupid.”
I laughed.
“There’s this guy named Dan. Handsome boy. He came into the diner each week for the past few years to try to get Alyssa to go out on a date with him, and I watched her officially turn him down today. I knew she did it because of her feelings for you.”
I wasn’t sure what to say to that, so I stayed quiet as Lori kept speaking.
“But just to be clear, she’s not a drug. She’s not your drug, young man.” I raised an eyebrow, and a small smirk appeared on her lips. “You think you’d disappear for years, and Alyssa wouldn’t mention you every now and then? She told me about your past with drugs, and how you got clean. Which is good. But, honey, you can’t come back here and use her this way. She’s not something you can take in so you can forget about the things around you. She’s a girl, a gentle, caring girl who is still crazy about a boy. And what you’re doing is selfish. What she’s doing is selfish, too. See, you’re not going to stop using, and she’s not going to stop giving. You’re both addicted. You’re both lighting yourselves on fire, as i
f you don’t feel the burn.
“If you care anything about her, you’ll stop doing this right now. If you care anything about her heart, you’ll stop yourself from breaking it again. Whatever you two are doing might just be fun and games for you, but for her, it’s more. It’s everything she spent the last few years thinking about. If you end up breaking my friend’s heart, you best believe I will break all of your fingers and toes, one at a time.”
I laughed again, but this time the stern look Lori was giving me made me pause. I swallowed hard. “Okay.”
“But for now, you should get home soon,” she said, opening her book back up. “A big storm is supposed to be moving in over the next few hours.”
I looked up at the sky, the darkened clouds blocking out the moon. Standing, my hands went back to my pockets, and I thanked Lori for the talk.
***
The next day, Kellan asked me to join him and Erika at his therapist appointment, and there was no way I’d say no. I’d do anything he’d ask of me. The only therapist I’d ever spoken to was during my stay at St. Michaels Health and Rehabilitation Clinic. We’d have individual sessions and group sessions where they made us color and shit. I hated it at first, but after time, it helped. Then, sometimes, I’d start hating it again.
I sat beside my brother and his fiancée in Dr. Yang’s office, and I could feel the tension building. Before we left the house, Kellan and Erika had been bickering about small things—a toothpaste tube left on the bathroom countertop, coffee not being finished, Erika’s school books all over the dining room table. I’d never seen them fight before, so it was a bit odd.
“Thank you for joining us today, Logan. I know it means a lot to your brother that you’re here.”
“Yeah, of course.” I patted Kellan on the leg. He gave me a forced smile. “Anything for this dude.”
Dr. Yang nodded, pleased. “I think it’s important to check in every now and then about how things are going. I know Erika mentioned that you moved into the house, which I think could be a good thing for Kellan. Having family around is always helpful. So, how about we go around to see how everyone is doing. Kellan, you start.”
The Fire Between High & Lo Page 19
