by Lucy King
THIRTEEN
Zoe caught sight of her flushed cheeks and sparkling eyes in the steamed up mirror of the bathroom and couldn’t help grinning.
Last night had been amazing. She’d talked her head off, danced willingly for the first time in her life, so high on champagne and love that she hadn’t wanted to come down. She still didn’t because last night had been one of the best nights of her life and she wanted to cling onto it for as long as possible.
Everyone had been so friendly, so warm and so interested in her. Talking to Lizzie about everything and nothing had been such a blast, and Celia had been lovely and then moving on to dinner, well, she’d managed to negotiate that with none of the dread she usually felt at such things. Conversation had come to her more naturally than it ever had and for the first time in her life she’d felt completely at ease and normal.
And it had all been down to Dan and the wonderful effect he’d had on her. He’d helped her release her full potential. He’d uncovered the real her and given her the courage to locate and build up her self-esteem. He’d turned her into the person she’d always wondered if she could be and she’d be for ever grateful to him for that.
She liked to think that she’d had as positive an effect on him as he’d had on her too. He certainly seemed a whole lot more relaxed now than he had been when they’d first met, she thought, turning away from the mirror to pull on one of the complimentary dressing gowns hanging on the back of the door and slip into it. He laughed more, talked more openly and readily.
During the long hot shower they’d just shared, he’d lavished such care and attention on her that she’d felt worshipped. Cherished. Adored. It had been different, and it made her wonder if maybe he felt the same way about her as she did about him.
Zoe felt her heart ache with hope at the possibility that he might. Could she really be so lucky? She, who’d always been so hopeless at relationships... Could it really be her turn?
The more she thought that maybe she could and maybe it was, the more the uncertainty over whether he might love her as much as she loved him began to bug her. She wanted to know. One way or another. Now. She’d chickened out last night when he’d asked if the rampant swans were really the highlight of her evening, but she couldn’t hold back any more. She was absolutely nuts about him and she couldn’t not let him know how she felt a moment longer.
She heard the bedroom door slam and she jumped into action. With her heart hammering, her body zinging with excitement and her head swimming with visions of the possible future, Zoe tied the belt and flung open the shower-room door.
And at the sight of Dan striding towards her, stopped dead.
As did he.
His face was white, she saw, concern instantly obliterating all thought of asking him how he felt about her. His eyes and his expression were blank and he stood there as still and solid as a rock, but his jaw was tight and his body was vibrating with such tension that she had the impression that all she’d have to do was touch him and he’d shatter.
Behind him the breakfast cart with its shining domes and mouth-watering aromas remained abandoned at the door. The papers lay strewn all across the bed. It felt as if the temperature in the room had plummeted and a sudden feeling of dread swept through her.
‘What is it?’ she asked, rushing to him and recoiling in shock when he jerked away from her. ‘What’s happened?’
‘This happened,’ he said, his voice cold and tight with barely restrained fury as he thrust a paper—one of the tabloids—at her. ‘You happened.’
Zoe took the paper, her hands suddenly trembling uncontrollably. With her heart in her throat she looked down at the front page and in a numb daze she read the headline that basically screamed kiss-and-tell. She looked at the photos of her that she’d let be taken and the archive pictures of Dan, and then on legs that were turning to water she stumbled over to the bed and sank down onto the mattress a second before her knees gave way.
Somehow she managed to read the words that started on page one, and somehow she managed to turn to pages four and five where they continued.
And with every word she read she went a little bit colder, her heart beat a little bit slower and her horror increased that little bit more because, oh, God, it was all there. Every single thing she’d told Lizzie—who’d seemed so interested and friendly—in relentless appalling quoted detail. The bullying she’d suffered at school, the names of the girls behind it and what she thought of them. The way she and Dan had met and the circumstances that had led to the ‘engagement’. His three-date rule and the confidentiality agreement she’d agreed to sign. His relationship with Natalie—although thank God she hadn’t mentioned the abortion—and his feelings towards his mother and his aunts.
Oddly she didn’t give a toss about the gorily personal stuff about her. She didn’t care about how it might affect her reputation or Lily’s or that of their business, although that was something she’d have to figure out later. Right now all she could think about were the things she’d revealed about him.
Indiscreet didn’t come close to describing the way she’d spilled the information. It was as if Lizzie had slipped her a truth drug and to every question she could now see hadn’t been simply the friendly enquiry she’d thought at the time, she’d given an answer. A full, in-depth and sometimes highly personal answer.
She’d done what she’d sworn she’d never do. She’d kissed and told.
As the enormity of what she’d done sank in shame swept through her and a cold sweat broke out all over her skin. ‘Dan, I—’ she started with no idea of how to continue because she couldn’t even begin to work out where to apologise.
‘How could you?’ he interrupted with such icy calm that she flinched.
‘I didn’t mean to,’ she said, and inwardly cringed because it sounded so lame, so wholly inadequate.
‘How could you have been so bloody naïve?’
‘I just...well, she seemed nice and interested and asked so many questions and...’ She tailed off, unable to look him in the eye, unable to look at him at all, in fact, so great was the shame pouring through her.
‘Of course she was interested,’ he said, his voice too eerily calm and in control for a man who was clearly beyond furious. ‘Of course she asked questions. She’s a bloody journalist.’
‘But I didn’t know that,’ said Zoe, beginning to feel a little desperate because this was bad, very bad, and she didn’t know what to do. ‘She implied that she was a distant cousin.’
‘A cousin?’ he echoed in chilling disbelief. ‘And you believed her?’
‘I didn’t have any reason not to.’ Although she hadn’t exactly asked many questions of her own, had she?
‘She was there to cover the wedding for one of those celebrity gossip magazines. How could you not have known?’
Zoe let out a little nervous hysterical laugh. ‘Well, you know how bad I am with people.’
For a moment there was utter silence. Silence so absolute that Zoe could hear the rustling of the leaves of the tree outside their window. The thumping of her heart. The slow breath that Dan blew out as if to release the pressure that had built up inside him. Silence that went on for so long that Zoe thought he’d accepted her defence. Accepted her apology and was maybe ready to forgive her for her stupidity and move on.
So she risked a glance at him and as her stomach somersaulted she saw that he didn’t accept her defence or her apology and whatever they might have had was now hanging in the balance because his eyes were blazing, the pulse at the base of his neck was pounding and his face was thunderous.
‘Bad with people?’ he said, practically exploding. ‘Bad with people? That’s your excuse for this?’
Zoe leapt to her feet, racking her brains in an effort to work out what she could say to make things better. ‘No, of course not,’ she said quickl
y, panic sweeping through her at the realisation that there wasn’t anything she could say to make it better. ‘There is no excuse.’
‘No, there isn’t,’ he snarled, ‘because you know the press are interested in me, you know the efforts they’ll go to to get even a crumb of information and you handed them everything. On a bloody plate.’
The only thing she could do was continue with the genuine regret, take his fury and his accusations on the chin and wait for his anger to blow out. Hope it did. Hope this wasn’t the end, that she hadn’t screwed things up for good.
‘If I’d known she was press,’ Zoe said, her throat thickening at the thought that she might have ruined everything, ‘I’d have walked away the minute she came over and said hello. You must believe that.’
‘Must I? Why? Didn’t you stop and think about what you were doing even for a second?’
‘No.’
‘Why the hell not?’
‘I was distracted.’ She’d been so dazed and stunned she hadn’t been thinking clearly at all.
‘By what?’ he all but shouted. ‘What you were going to get out of it?’
Her jaw dropped and a stab of shock wiped out any idea she might have had of telling him exactly why she’d been so distracted. ‘What would I get out of it?’
‘I don’t know. Money?’
‘I have plenty,’ she said. ‘And I didn’t do this deliberately.’
He shoved his hands through his hair and narrowed his eyes. ‘No, I wouldn’t have imagined you would, because you’re not stupid and, forgive me if I’ve got it wrong, but don’t we have an agreement?’
Zoe blanched and her mouth went dry. ‘What do you mean?’
‘The confidentiality agreement you signed. You’ve breached practically every word of it.’
‘What do you plan to do about it?’ she said, horror now filling every cell of her body because if he sued, she could lose everything; Lily could lose everything.
‘I’ll let you know.’
She took a step towards him and felt the panic escalate when he took one back. ‘Look, Dan,’ she said desperately. ‘I’m sorry I made a mistake. More than you can possibly know. If there’s anything I can do to make things better I’ll do it. I’ll apologise to Natalie. I’ll talk to your mother. Your aunts. Whatever it takes.’
Dan just stared at her, a look of stunned incredulity on his face. ‘Do you really think I’d want you going around like the loose cannon you are making things worse?’
‘Then what can I do?’
‘Nothing.’
And then it struck her that she had really screwed up. ‘So is this it?’ she asked, hardly able to believe that they were over.
‘I think so, don’t you?’ he said flatly.
‘You really won’t forgive me?’
‘I don’t know that I can.’ Dan shot her a look that was so bleak, so horribly cold and resigned that her heart twisted in pain. ‘Oh, what the hell does it matter anyway? I knew you’d let me down in the end.’
Zoe went still. Hang on a minute. Wasn’t he even going to try and fight for this? Had she got it so badly wrong? Didn’t he feel the same way about her as she did about him? She’d been so sure he did. ‘What?’
‘You said you wouldn’t let me down, but you have.’
‘I know. And I’m sorry.’
‘What’s the point of being sorry when we both know that at some point in the future you’d do it again?’
‘Not intentionally.’
‘But you would.’
‘Well, I can’t guarantee that I won’t, because I’m only human.’ And actually that was a point, wasn’t it? ‘I’m not perfect, Dan, and nor are you.’
‘I know I’m not, but I thought you were.’
Huh? She stared at him in astonishment. Did he really think that? No, he couldn’t. Not when she was about as far from perfect as it was possible to be. ‘Wait a moment,’ she said, as it occurred to her that they might have been here before and she filled with an icy sort of numbness at the thought that it could be happening again. ‘You’ve been waiting for this to happen, haven’t you?’
His head snapped up and his gaze locked with hers. ‘What?’
‘You’ve been waiting for me to slip up.’
He frowned. ‘Why would I do that?’
‘I don’t know. You tell me.’
‘You seem to have all the answers.’
‘I don’t have any answers.’ Her brain raced and her heart pounded. ‘But now I think about it,’ she said as several things struck her at once, ‘you know, actually this article isn’t all that bad.’ She folded her arms across her chest as she looked at him. ‘I mean, I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true, and I didn’t mention anything that was really confidential or personal like your business deal in the States and Natalie’s abortion. And I know you’re upset and you think that I’ve somehow betrayed you, but it was a genuine mistake, which you’d realise if you weren’t being so pig-headed.’
Dan scowled. ‘You think this is simply a case of obstinacy?’
‘No. I think this is a case of fear. If you’re not as anti-relationships as you claim yet you’re willing to throw this one away when it’s been pretty bloody good then the only conclusion I can draw is that for some reason you’re scared.’
He glared at her. ‘What would I be scared of?’
‘How the hell would I know?’ she said, suddenly sick of it all, sick of his irritating air of superiority, his refusal to budge and most of all the way she was practically breaking apart. ‘But you’ve been waiting for me to screw up and, well, congratulations, I have. And you’re right. I can’t guarantee that it won’t happen again, because you know what, unlike you, clearly, I’m not perfect.’
‘That much is obvious,’ he said darkly.
‘Is there anything else or are we done here?’ she asked, her throat so achy and tight that her voice cracked.
Dan looked at her with those dark unfathomable eyes of his and Zoe held her breath because after everything they’d been through she couldn’t believe that he was really going to let her go like this. Until he nodded and said, ‘We’re done,’ and shattered what was left of her heart.
‘Right,’ she managed to get out, swallowing hard.
‘I’m going to shave,’ he said coolly, as if he didn’t have a clue he’d just split her heart and her soul wide open. ‘When I come back out it would be good if you were gone.’
‘Don’t worry,’ she said, realising the only way she’d be able to cling onto her dignity was by doing the same, and lifting her chin. ‘I will be, because I don’t need someone who’s too scared of what might happen to give us a go. I don’t need someone who isn’t prepared to deal with whatever stuff he has to deal with. And I don’t need you.’ She watched him throw her one last glance before heading into the bathroom and, reminding herself to hang on, said, ‘Oh, and I hope you have a really really lousy Christmas.’
FOURTEEN
Zoe might have been way off track when she’d accused him of being scared the morning they’d argued, but her hope that he would have a lousy Christmas had proved prophetic because Dan’s Christmas was truly horrible.
Following their blistering row, Zoe had been as good as her word and by the time he’d finished shaving there’d been no sign of her other than the faint lingering trace of her scent. Ten minutes later he’d been packed and on his way back to London too, practically drowning beneath the tidal wave of relief that it was all over.
The relief had lasted a couple of hours. At Reading, however, when he found himself wondering if she’d managed to escape the handful of journalists hanging around the hotel and hoping she was all right and thinking he should at least have driven her to the station, it began to fade and turn into something else, and by the time he’d got h
ome it had become something dark and grim and deeply disturbing because he couldn’t work out what it was. All he knew was that it was the reason for the now pretty much permanent scowl on his face, the constant grittiness to his eyes and the edgy restlessness gripping his body, and the increasingly appealing temptation to invest in a punch bag.
The ubiquitous festive bonhomie, which was unavoidable and so bloody cheerful, only highlighted his filthy temper. His muscles ached with a tension that he couldn’t get rid of no matter how much running he did, his chest felt so pressured that he was beginning to wonder whether it might not be a good idea to make an appointment with his doctor, and his jaw was tight with the effort of not grinding his teeth to dust.
Nothing seemed to alleviate any of it. Not work, not alcohol and definitely not spending Christmas with his mother and sister down in Ashwicke.
What with Zoe’s article he’d half expected to be dis-invited. He’d even rung to apologise and explain and then dis-invite himself, but his mother—who’d been so completely unfazed by the revelation that he couldn’t stand her meddling that he suspected it wasn’t actually much of a revelation—wouldn’t hear of it.
So he’d gone, planning to stay a couple of days at the least, in the hope it might lift him out of his black mood. But the two of them had quizzed him so relentlessly about Zoe and why they were no longer together when apparently they were made for each other that late on Christmas evening he’d eventually snapped. He’d told them to get off his back, then, in full view of their stunned expressions, muttered an apology, leapt in his car and sped back to London.
He’d been back for a week and, with his mind pretty much constantly churning with everything that had happened over the last couple of months, it had been hellish. He wasn’t sleeping well and his appetite had all but disappeared and as a result he was grumpy as hell.
