The Doctor's Secret

by Heidi Cullinan

  Rebecca and Kathryn came over, and when they heard the story of what happened, they were shocked and appalled the same as everyone else. Kathryn was more worried about how Simon and Hong-Wei were doing, but Rebecca immediately turned lethal. She agreed with Jared’s read on the situation, that there wasn’t much legally to be done, but she was furious with the machinations of the board.

  “They’re completely out of hand. I’m absolutely done with them. I am running for the open seat, and I’m going to take it. I hope those wrinkled old misers are ready for a bitchy Dominican dyke to storm their fortress, because I’m coming in with an axe sharpened and ready.”

  Kathryn’s eyes brightened at her wife’s fiery display. “If only we could get a majority of people like you on the board, honey, we’d switch the policy.”

  Owen landed a fist on the table. “See, that’s just it. The board members aren’t the gods of the hospital. They’re a damn advisory board, but they act like mob bosses. If Nick and Erin would do their damn jobs, none of this would be a problem.”

  The six of them sat up late into the night, complaining about the board and strategizing for Rebecca’s run. Eventually they gave in and went to bed and went home, though Hong-Wei stayed with Simon. He didn’t bother to hide his car anymore.

  The next day at the hospital, Simon couldn’t help but feel as if everyone was staring at him. He kept trying to figure out when and how John Jean Andreas could have discovered them. He analyzed his reactions to Hong-Wei to see if he was failing to follow his mother’s advice.

  Hong-Wei startled him at the nurses’ station, running a hand down his back. Simon glanced around nervously. Other people were around, and they had to see what Hong-Wei was doing.

  Hong-Wei didn’t pull his hand away. “Stop worrying. We’ll find a way through.”

  When Hong-Wei left to do his rounds, Simon turned to the others at the station, his heart pounding. To his shock, they didn’t seem surprised at all.

  Christie sighed and patted his shoulder. “Hon, everybody knows.”

  Thick panic spread through Simon’s veins. “H-how?”

  Dante gave him a sad smile. “The Firefighter’s Breakfast. Neither of you hid it well. People started talking, and then someone overheard you guys outside, and the gossip took over from there.”

  Simon sat, his legs no longer strong enough to stand. “And none of you said anything?”

  Christie looked appalled. “Why would we? We didn’t want you fired. We’re all shocked you’re still here.”

  Dante snorted. “Are you kidding? They get rid of Simon, their golden goose will walk.”

  Ronnie looked up from the cart she was filling. “But they have the contract on him.”

  Dante shook his head. “Not a contract. The guy will leave if they screw with his man. You just watch.”

  Simon felt sick, but he’d feel worse if he stayed and listened to this. “I need to do hourly rounding.”

  He rose on unsteady feet and drifted down the hall, but each face seemed to belong to an enemy now.

  Everyone knew. Not only that he was dating Hong-Wei, but that the only reason he still had a job was because of his lover.

  This was about to be the longest day of his life—and all his days working would be this way.

  He couldn’t go on like this.

  At his break, he escaped to the hospital courtyard and sat with his head in his hands. A hand on his back made him jump, but when he saw it was Owen who had come to find him, his emotions threatened to overwhelm him.

  “Hey.” Owen put an arm around Simon as he sat beside him. “It’s going to be all right. I promise, we’ll figure this out.”

  Simon settled against his friend’s side, grateful for the support, but he still felt as if the world were slowly squeezing him in a vise. What a fool he’d been for thinking the worst thing would be to get fired. All that time being afraid, and he hadn’t even anticipated the right fear.

  He gripped the sleeve of Owen’s scrubs. “I hate feeling so trapped. I hate that I can’t do anything. I hate most of all that he was so happy, but my stupid town is screwing everything up. He’s done so much for us, and this is how we pay him back?”

  “For the record, Si, you deserve more from Copper Point too. You’re the one who rode on that Founder’s Day float. This isn’t just where you grew up. This is the place where your roots go all the way down, as far as any white person’s in this region can go. You have a right to be angry that they failed you too. That when you found your happiness, they used it to manipulate you and the one you loved. That’s not your fault. That’s an injustice.”

  Simon hadn’t thought about Copper Point letting him down, not like Owen had said, though as he went to bed that night, he stared at the ceiling, his friend’s words swimming in his head. He’d never considered himself some kind of son of Copper Point the way Erin Andreas was, but he supposed there wasn’t a difference, if it came down to ancestry, except the Andreas family was showier about it. The Lanes and Petersens didn’t exactly want for money, but they didn’t live in a fancy mansion on the hill and open it for tours either. Grandpa Petersen wasn’t on the hospital board, but he’d been on the city council, and one of the Lanes had been a mayor, Simon was fairly sure. His dad was active in the chamber of commerce too.

  Yes, what was the difference between him and Erin? Simple perception? Was this because Simon was gay, because he’d been out all this time? No, he didn’t think that was it. The only difference was that Simon had a different kind of family than Erin, and a different set of friends. He couldn’t put his finger on exactly what those differences were, but it seemed to mean, at the end of the day, that Copper Point protected Erin and not Simon.

  Lying there in the dark, his heart breaking, Simon acknowledged the town he’d stayed in because it was safe had never truly been that town at all. The fears that had kept him from exploring the world hadn’t given him safety in exchange, only meant he hadn’t experienced people and places that might not have betrayed him the way his hometown just had.

  You’re being overdramatic, he chided himself. Not everyone in town has betrayed you.

  That was true. Not everyone had. But the town as a whole wasn’t what he’d been pretending it was. Maybe it wasn’t the town’s fault—maybe that was on him. Maybe it was a little bit of both.

  All he knew was that, with those chains broken, a new possibility lay before him. He still wasn’t sure he was ready to open this door, but it was unlocked now, and his hand was on the knob. He could ask himself the question which, even a day ago, he couldn’t have begun to entertain.

  If Copper Point was going to hurt him and Hong-Wei so much, what was their reason to stay?

  SIMON WAS upset, and Hong-Wei had no idea how to make him happy.

  He hated how Simon kept insisting their discovery was somehow his fault, that it must have been him at the picnic who gave something away. Never mind that it was Hong-Wei who’d dragged his feet all this time, not making any inroads with the board or using his leverage, taking too long to read the situation until it ended up closing in around him. It was his residency all over again. The way the politics played out were different, the parts of the machine came together in new ways, but in the end everything was the same.

  The irony was now he couldn’t leave. Simon wouldn’t want to, and the truth was, Hong-Wei wasn’t sure he did either. He wasn’t happy about the board trying to manipulate him, and the idea that John Jean thought he’d turned Hong-Wei into his puppet made him ill, but Hong-Wei truly did like living in Copper Point. It was more than Simon. It was Jared and Owen, and Kathryn and Rebecca. It was his first rehearsal with Ram’s quartet coming up. It was the Zhangs and the staff at China Garden. It was the idea, outside of the machinations of the board, that he truly could be part of building a new future at St. Ann’s, that it was here he could finally make a difference.

  Copper Point had become his home.

  The realization hit him one night at China Garden—h
e and Simon had no need for buffers on their dates any longer, but the two of them were both so depressed that their friends never left them alone, and so they ended up with a full table for hot pot, with Jared, Owen, Kathryn, Rebecca, Ram, and the rest of the quartet coming along. As Mrs. Zhang pressed her hand on his shoulder when she brought another tray of meat, Hong-Wei looked around the table and felt the warmth and love of everyone surrounding him.

  He’d told himself he could always leave if things didn’t go well. It had never occurred to him that for the first time in his life he’d become so enmeshed in a place, in the people, that he wouldn’t want to go.

  Simon came home with him that night, and as they sat facing one another on the couch, listening to “Solveig’s Song,” Simon stroked Hong-Wei’s hair, his face. “You seem troubled. More so than usual.”

  Hong-Wei ran his fingers slowly down Simon’s arms. “I want so much better for you. For us. I’m aware the gossip is worse for you because you’re the nurse and I’m the doctor. I want to make it stop, but I can’t. I feel like I’m failing you.”

  It cost him so much to admit that, to acknowledge he was repeating his failures all over again. He didn’t know what else to do, though. He couldn’t run, and he couldn’t do nothing and watch Simon suffer.

  Simon pressed gentle fingers onto Hong-Wei’s lips. “You haven’t failed me. It’s not your fault.”

  “It’s not about fault. It’s about responsibility. You are my responsibility. I want you to be my responsibility. I want to make you happy, to keep you safe. It’s all I want to do. And I can’t.”

  Simon kissed him, sliding his hands around Hong-Wei’s neck as he shifted closer into Hong-Wei’s lap. When he broke the kiss, he nuzzled Hong-Wei’s nose, cheek, chin. “You do make me happy, and you do make me feel safe. But John Jean hanging this over your head isn’t your fault, and you know what, it isn’t mine either. It’s our problem, together.” He sighed, his face set in determination. “There’s an easy solution, though, one we’re both ignoring. It’s time, I think, that we use it. We need to leave St. Ann’s. We need to leave Copper Point.”

  Hong-Wei couldn’t believe what he’d just heard. “You told me you couldn’t bear to leave here. You never wanted to live or work anywhere else.”

  “I said that a long time ago, before we started dating. Before I fell in love with you.” He took Hong-Wei’s face in his hands. “I love you, Hong-Wei. More than my job. More than Copper Point. If they make me choose between them and you, it’s not a choice.”

  Hong-Wei stared at Simon, too stunned to speak. He touched his lover’s face, his hair, his neck.

  Simon bit his lip, looking uncertain, and caught one of Hong-Wei’s hands. “Tell me you feel the same way?”

  Hong-Wei let out his breath, a strangled sound escaping with it. Gathering his lover to him, Hong-Wei shut his eyes and buried his face in Simon’s hair. “Of course I feel the same. I love you so much I can’t breathe. I’m simply blown away by the idea that you would give up so much to be with me.”

  Simon wrapped his arms tighter around Hong-Wei. “I’ve thought about it a lot lately, to the point it’s all I can think about. I’ll miss Copper Point, yes. I’ll miss St. Ann’s, even with its aggravations. I’ll miss my family. But I can’t live without you, and I can’t stand to stay here if this is how we have to live. I’d prefer to stay, but I want to be with you in a place where we can be happy. And I believe we can find the place where we can both make a difference and be happy together.”

  Hong-Wei laughed into the side of Simon’s head, the sound becoming a half sob at the end. He felt so turned inside out, softened like butter in the sun, and all he could do was slide into Simon, to hold his face and kiss him, run his hands across his body.

  They had made love so many times now, in every conceivable place in Hong-Wei’s apartment, but as Hong-Wei led Simon up the stairs, it felt like it was the first time. A different kind of first time. Simon had just told him he not only loved him, but that he loved him more than anything. He’d change everything about his life to be with him.

  If Hong-Wei ran away again, now someone wanted to come along.

  Perhaps home wasn’t Copper Point. Perhaps home was Simon Lane.

  Simon stood naked before him now, trembling with want, but as Hong-Wei hesitated, he did too. “Hong-Wei? Are you all right?”

  Hong-Wei stripped out of the last of his clothes and drew Simon into his arms, falling with him in a blissful heap onto the bed as he drew his lover tight to his heart. “I promise you, I’ve never been better.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  THE NEXT morning Hong-Wei approached the music building at Bayview University bearing his violin and a heavy heart. His discussion with Simon over breakfast hadn’t been about whether or not they should leave, only about where they should go. They planned to tell Jared and Owen that night, but Hong-Wei realized they had many people they’d need to tell. Ram was one of them.

  The man had just found his missing violinist. Hong-Wei enjoyed being his violinist. It was a humble community quartet, so much less than his dreams, yet the thought of losing these rehearsals, of never being able to perform with his new friends—his friends—made Hong-Wei ache.

  His quartet members were onto him too. He’d meant to keep everything secret, knowing telling Jared and Owen should come first, but somehow he’d become a man who couldn’t hide his emotions anymore, or at least he’d become someone who couldn’t hide his emotions from those he cared about.

  Amanda Rodriguez, the violist and a chemistry professor, called him out first. “You seem down, Jack. Did something happen?”

  Hong-Wei attempted to dismiss his mood, forcing a smile. “A lot on my mind, is all.”

  But then Ram talked about their upcoming performances. The pride with which he spoke of finally having a quartet to present at Founder’s Day crushed Hong-Wei, and when Ram made a special point to brag that they’d be able to do extra-difficult pieces because of Hong-Wei’s skill, he couldn’t take it any longer. He covered his face with his hands.

  Tim Lee, the cellist and world literature instructor, set his instrument aside and turned to him. “All right. Enough of this. What’s going on? You need to tell us the truth before you explode.”

  Hong-Wei hadn’t meant to, but he told them. Everything, every detail—about how long he’d wanted to date Simon, how hard he’d pursued him, how Simon had resisted at first because of his job, then agreed to see him in secret. About how John Jean Andreas had pinned him like a bug and tried to use Simon to keep him in line as part of his plan, and how now Simon had convinced him it would be best if they left together.

  “I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone any of this yet.” Hong-Wei rested his elbows on his knees over the top of his violin and let his head fall into his hands. “We’re telling Owen and Jared tonight. I don’t know when Simon plans to tell his family. I don’t know where we’re going yet. I want to stay close for his sake, but he keeps insisting we find a good hospital for my career. My father would help us go to Texas in a heartbeat. I don’t really know what I want. Except truth be told, I’d prefer not to leave.”

  Ram shifted the music stands so he could slide his chair closer to Hong-Wei’s. “We don’t want you to leave either. I feel comfortable speaking for everyone here, and to be honest, Copper Point.” The others murmured and nodded in agreement before Ram continued. “Given your situation, I think I’d end up making the same decision. I’m stunned Simon wants to leave. He always swore he wouldn’t. He dated a creative writing professor a few years ago who was hired on a grant, and they seemed to get along so well, but when the grant was finished and Marc had to go, Simon refused to consider relocating with him.”

  The passion with which Simon had insisted they leave, the way he’d told Hong-Wei he needed to be with him more than he needed to be in Copper Point, made his heart swell and ache all over again. “I wish I could make it work for us to stay.”

  Tim patted him on the back. “Y
ou can’t control this situation. You can only run with it.”

  Hong-Wei understood this, intellectually. He just… hated it. “I’m going to find a way to make this a positive change. Duluth isn’t far, and it seems like a nice city. Plus Minnesota doesn’t have the same restrictive union issues, so Simon will be better protected.” He sat up, took a deep breath, let it out. Part of him said he needed to keep some of these thoughts private. That part of him lost the argument, and he continued on. “Also, I think I should propose to him. If we’re going to alter our lives like this for one another, we should do it properly.”

  They erupted in shouts and cheers for him, taking his instrument from his lap so they could hug him in turns, and in Ram’s case, ruffle his hair. They were all for him proposing, and they abandoned practice to help him brainstorm ideas how.

  “It should be something romantic,” Amanda suggested.

  Ram snorted. “It’s Simon Lane. It needs to be incredibly romantic. Dramatic as well. Something out of Bollywood or one of his Asian romances he loves so much.”

  Tim curled his lip. “I think you should do something in front of the whole town, so everyone is charmed and excited for the wedding, and when you end up leaving, they’re pissed at the board.”

  Ram stood up, eyes wide, a slow grin spreading across his face. “Oh my God. I just had the best idea. I have no idea if you actually want to do it, Jack, but it’s so perfect, I’m really hoping you do.”

  Hong-Wei glanced around the circle at the four of them, at their happy faces, so eager to help him and Simon.

  How can I lose this part of my life?

  He pushed past the pain in his heart and settled in his chair, giving Ram his best smile. “Let’s hear it.”

  SIMON DIDN’T make it through the end of the day before he had to cave and confess to Owen.

  His longtime friend had taken one look at him as he’d arrived at work and demanded to know what was wrong, and when Simon started his story at lunch, Owen pulled them into an empty conference room and called Jared, telling him to get to the hospital, STAT. It was bad enough with Owen, but when the two of them bore down on him, Simon couldn’t take it. He started crying.