by Alex Bell
The discovery that the president of the Polar Bear Explorers’ Club was the most pleased with, however, was not the tiara, the cabbage, the starflakes or the magic goose – but the moustache spoon Stella had stolen from the frosties. The president proclaimed it the most ingenious invention ever created and it seemed likely that Stella might even get some kind of special reward for bringing it back with her.
The feast was in full swing, and for once there was an almost pleasant atmosphere between the Polar Bear explorers and those from Ocean Squid. Everyone seemed happy with the way things had turned out, although Zachary Vincent Rook kept saying things like: ‘Of course, if it hadn’t been for my boy, Ethan, they would all have probably been killed by that cabbage.’
And Ethan kept saying, ‘It was a joint effort, Father,’ and then rolling his eyes at the others apologetically.
Stella didn’t really mind who got the credit for what. Felix said exploring wasn’t about personal credit and that any explorer who only did it because they wanted to be famous was doomed to fail. You had to love exploring for the thrill alone, and Stella definitely did.
The junior explorers stayed at the table until the dessert was served – none of them wanted to miss the miniature igloo ice cream cakes, after all. When Stella cracked into hers she found a family of frosties inside, in honour of their discovery. They were made from sugared shards of white mint with chocolate claws, and Stella relished the crunch they made as she ground them up with her teeth.
After the dessert had been cleared away, Stella glanced at Ethan on the other side of the table and signalled to him that she was leaving. The magician nodded, and Stella quietly snuck out of the room. The others followed her, one by one, and made their way straight to the Hall of Flags. They were all keen to see their expedition flag, which had been given a special spot on display as the flag from the first joint expedition in history.
Beanie had written their Flag Report during the return voyage back to Coldgate, carefully leaving out any mention of the outlaw hideout at the Yak and Yeti, as per Captain Ajax’s request. They had even changed the name of the Snow Queen to the Snow Goose, just in case. They owed Captain Ajax, after all, and none of them wanted to be responsible for forcing him back into the perilous life of returning stolen treasure maps to ungrateful pirates in the Seventeen Seas.
‘I thought exploring with you lot would be a total nightmare,’ Ethan said as they all gazed up at their flag. ‘But there were parts of it that weren’t terrible.’
‘What was your favourite part?’ Stella asked. ‘Getting bitten by the frosty?’
‘Getting proved right about the frosties,’ Ethan corrected her. ‘I never tire of being proved right about things.’
‘The president has been in contact with Captain Filibuster,’ Beanie said. ‘When the new edition of his Guide to Expeditions and Exploration comes out, they’re going to include a section about treating frostbite with moustache wax.’
‘Dad thinks this new knowledge will save a lot of lives,’ Shay said.
‘And fingers and toes,’ Beanie replied.
‘The Icelands was fun. Where would you most like to explore next?’ Stella asked.
‘Don’t you want to just enjoy being home for a little while?’ Beanie asked.
‘I have enjoyed it for a little while,’ Stella replied. ‘I enjoyed the hot chocolate when I arrived. I enjoyed the buttered crumpets in my guest room. I enjoyed having a bath. I suppose I’d like to go home and say hello to Gruff and the dinosaurs and my unicorn. But then I’d like to start planning another expedition. Felix says that the president is so pleased with the moustache spoon that he’s bound to grant me permanent membership of the Polar Bear Explorers’ Club. So where would you go next if you could choose? Volcano Island? Cactus Valley? The Scorpion Desert?’
‘Isn’t the Scorpion Desert bandit country?’ Beanie asked.
‘I’ve always wanted to see the Floating Island of Diamond Waterfalls,’ Ethan put in. ‘I don’t think they have bandits there.’
‘We should plan another expedition together,’ Stella said tentatively. She suddenly felt shy. What if the others didn’t want to go on another expedition with her? They’d been thrown together by force the first time but organising it by choice might be a whole other matter. ‘We do all want to go on another expedition together. Don’t we?’
‘Count me in,’ Shay said at once.
‘Me too,’ Beanie said.
‘Ethan?’ Stella prompted. ‘What about you?’
There was a pause. Then the magician gave a sudden grin. ‘I wouldn’t miss it,’ he said. ‘Besides, you lot would be completely lost without me. Dead within hours, probably.’
‘We will need someone who can create polar beans out of thin air, Prawn,’ Shay agreed.
Ethan snapped his fingers obligingly – only, instead of polar beans, a tiny scorpion materialised and scuttled off into the corner of the room, clicking its pincers together in a most threatening manner.
‘Don’t blame me!’ Ethan said, as the four explorers fled from the room. ‘You shouldn’t have mentioned the Desert Scorpion!’
EPILOGUE
Felix had always said that the first night spent in your own bed after a period of time away travelling was one of the greatest pleasures life had to offer. When they arrived home after their long journey, Stella found that Felix was, indeed, quite right about this.
They had hot chocolate and cheesy toast together by the stove in the kitchen, with Gruff snoozing happily in front of the flickering flames. The polar bear had almost flattened Stella in excitement when she walked through the door, and Felix had had to drag her back up by the hood of her cloak to set her on her feet again. Stella didn’t mind, though. She was absolutely delighted to see her polar bear again too, and to feel his warm tongue on her face – even if he did get slobber all over her explorer’s cloak.
‘It’ll come out in the wash,’ Felix said breezily. ‘Most things do.’
When Stella went upstairs to bed, Gruff came with her, and Felix agreed that she could take Buster too, as a special treat. She sat down on her bed and took her Polar Pets from her bag, peering into the igloo to see what the penguins were up to. A pot of hot chocolate warmed on a little stove, whilst the penguins divided up a bag of blue marshmallows between them, honking happily at one another all the while. The marshmallows were fish-shaped and, in fact, the penguins gobbled most of them down before the hot chocolate was even ready.
Stella placed the igloo on her bedside table, changed into her favourite unicorn pyjamas and fell straight between the sheets, delighting in how comfortable and familiar and warm it all felt, right down to the sparkling mobile revolving slowly above her bed.
Gruff stretched himself out on the rug by the fireplace in her room, snoring happily, Buster nestled into the crook of Stella’s arm, his little claws curled tight around her thumb, and Stella soon fell sound asleep, happy to be back home, surrounded by her beloved pets.
And for a little while after that, everything was quiet. Then, all of a sudden, Stella’s suitcase started to move by itself. It jerked around several times before falling over on its side, causing the clasps to snap open. Gruff snorted in his sleep, but didn’t wake up, and nor did anyone else.
A few seconds later, a little wooden hand poked out of the case, followed by an arm and then a head. Slowly but surely, the puppet witch from the ice castle’s nursery climbed out of Stella’s luggage, the strings jerking around her as if an invisible puppet master were controlling them.
The witch’s burnt, blistered feet landed on Stella’s snowflake rug. Her gnarled wooden hands brushed at her skirt, knocking away the bits of fluff she’d picked up in the suitcase. She patted her pointed hat, making sure it was still attached to her head. Then she looked up, and gazed slowly around the room, taking in her surroundings before finally settling her painted eyes on Stella, sleeping soundly in her bed – completely oblivious to the fact that a witch puppet had just crawled out of her
suitcase.
All by herself.
POLAR BEAR EXPLORERS’ CLUB RULES
Polar Bear explorers will keep their moustaches trimmed, waxed and generally well-groomed at all times. Any explorer found with a slovenly moustache will be asked to withdraw from the club’s public rooms immediately.
Explorers with disorderly moustaches or unkempt beards will also be refused entry to the members-only bar, the private dining room and the billiards room without exception.
All igloos on club property must contain a flask of hot chocolate and an adequate supply of marshmallows at all times.
Only polar-bear-shaped marshmallows are to be served on club property. Additionally, the following breakfast items will be prepared in polar-bear-shape only: pancakes, waffles, crumpets, sticky pastries, fruit jellies and doughnuts. Please do not request alternative shapes or animals from the kitchen – including penguins, walruses, woolly mammoths or yetis – as this offends the chef.
Members are kindly reminded that when the chef is offended, insulted or peeved, there will be nothing on offer in the dining room whatsoever except for buttered toast. This toast will be bread-shaped.
Explorers must not hunt or harm unicorns under any circumstances.
All Polar Bear Explorers’ Club sleighs must be properly decorated with seven brass bells, and must contain the following items: five fleecy blankets, three hot water bottles in knitted jumpers, two flasks of emergency hot chocolate and a warmed basket of buttered crumpets (polar-bear-shaped).
Please do not take penguins into the club’s saltwater baths; they will hog the Jacuzzi.
All penguins are the property of the club and are not to be removed by explorers. The club reserves the right to search any suspiciously shaped bags. Any bag that moves by itself will automatically be deemed suspicious.
All snowmen built on club property must have appropriately groomed moustaches. Please note that a carrot is not a suitable object to use as a moustache. Nor is an aubergine. If in doubt, the club president is always available for consultation regarding snowmen’s moustaches.
It is considered bad form to threaten other club members with icicles, snowballs or oddly dressed snowmen.
Whistling ducks are not permitted on club property. Any member found with a whistling duck in his possession will be asked to leave.
UPON INITIATION, ALL POLAR BEAR EXPLORERS SHALL RECEIVE AN EXPLORER’S BAG CONTAINING THE FOLLOWING ITEMS:
One tin of Captain Filibuster’s Expedition-Strength Moustache Wax.
One bottle of Captain Filibuster’s Scented Beard Oil.
One folding pocket moustache comb.
One ivory-handled shaving brush, two pairs of grooming scissors and four individually wrapped cakes of luxurious foaming shaving soap.
Two compact pocket mirrors.
OCEAN SQUID EXPLORERS’ CLUB RULES
Sea monsters, kraken and giant squid trophies are the private property of the club, and cannot be removed to adorn private homes. Explorers will be charged for any decorative tentacles that are found to be missing from their rooms.
Explorers are not to fraternise – or join forces – with pirates or smugglers during the course of any official expedition.
Poisonous puffer fish, barbed wire jellyfish, saltwater stingrays and electric eels are not appropriate fillings for pies and/or sandwiches. Any such requests sent to the kitchen will be politely rejected.
Explorers are kindly asked to refrain from offering to show the club’s chef how to prepare sea snakes, sharks, crustaceans or deep-sea monsters for human consumption. This includes the creatures listed in rule number three. Please respect the expert knowledge of the chef.
The Ocean Squid Explorers’ Club does not consider the sea cucumber to be a trophy worthy of reward or recognition. This includes the lesser-found biting cucumber, as well as the singing cucumber and the argumentative cucumber.
Any Ocean Squid explorer who gifts the club with a tentacle from the screeching red devil squid will be rewarded with a year’s supply of Captain Ishmael’s Premium Dark Rum.
Please do not leave docked submarines in a submerged state – it wreaks havoc with the club’s valet service.
Explorers are kindly asked not to leave deceased sea monsters in the hallways or any of the club’s communal rooms. Unattended sea monsters are liable to be removed to the kitchens without notice.
The South Seas Navigation Company will not accept liability for any damage caused to their submarines. This includes damage caused by giant squid attacks, whale ambushes and jellyfish plots.
Explorers are not to use the map room to compare the length of squid tentacles or other trophies. Kindly use the marked areas within the trophy rooms to settle any private wagers or bets.
Please note: any explorer who threatens another explorer with a harpoon cannon will be suspended from the club immediately.
UPON INITIATION, ALL OCEAN SQUID EXPLORERS SHALL RECEIVE AN EXPLORER’S BAG CONTAINING THE FOLLOWING ITEMS:
One tin of Captain Ishmael’s Kraken Bait.
One kraken net.
One engraved hip flask filled with Captain Ishmael’s Expedition-Strength Salted Rum.
Two sharpened fishing spears and three bags of hunting barbs.
Five tins of Captain Ishmael’s Harpoon Cannon Polish.
DESERT JACKAL EXPLORERS’ CLUB RULES
Magical flying carpets are to be kept tightly rolled when on club premises. Any damage caused by out-of-control flying carpets will be considered the sole responsibility of the explorer in question.
Enchanted genie lamps must stay in their owner’s possession at all times.
Please note: genies are strictly prohibited at the bar and at the bridge tables.
Tents are for serious expedition use only, and are not to be used to host parties, gatherings, chinwags, or chit-chats.
Camels must not be permitted – or encouraged – to spit at other club members.
Jumping cactuses are not allowed inside the club unless under exceptional circumstances.
Please do not remove flags, maps or wallabies from the club.
Club members are not permitted to settle disagreements via camel racing between the hours of midnight and sunrise.
The club kangaroos, coyotes, sand cats and rattlesnakes are to be respected at all times.
Members who wish to keep all their fingers are advised not to torment the giant desert hairy scorpions, irritate the bearded vultures or vex the spotted desert recluse spiders.
Explorers are kindly asked to refrain from washing their feet in the drinking water tureens at the club’s entrance, which are provided strictly for our members’ refreshment.
Sand forts may be constructed on club grounds, providing explorers empty all sand from their sandals, pockets, bags, binocular cases and helmets before entering the club.
Explorers are asked not to take camel decoration to extremes. Desert Jackal Explorers’ Club camels may wear a maximum of one jewelled necklace, one tasselled headdress and/or bandana, seven plain gold anklets, up to four knee bells and one floral snout decoration.
UPON INITIATION, ALL DESERT JACKAL EXPLORERS SHALL RECEIVE AN EXPLORER’S BAG CONTAINING THE FOLLOWING ITEMS:
One foldable leather safari hat or one pith helmet.
One canister of tropical-strength giant desert hairy scorpion repellent.
One shovel (please note this object’s usefulness in the event of being buried alive in a sandstorm).
One camel-grooming kit, consisting of: organic camel shampoo, camel eyelash curlers, head brush, toenail trimmers and hoof-polishers (kindly provided by the National Camel Grooming Association).
Two spare genie lamps and one spare genie bottle.
JUNGLE CAT EXPLORERS’ CLUB RULES
Members of the Jungle Cat Explorers’ Club shall refrain from picnicking in a slovenly manner. All expedition picnics are to be conducted with grace, poise and elegance.
All expedition picnicware must be made from solid sil
ver, and kept perfectly polished at all times.
Champagne-carrier hampers must be constructed from high-grade wickerwork, premium leather or teak wood. Please note that champagne carriers considered ‘tacky’ will not be accepted onto the luggage elephant under ANY circumstances.
Expedition picnics will not take place unless there are scones present. Ideally, there should also be magic lanterns, pixie cakes and an assortment of fairy jellies.
Oriental whip snakes, alligator snapping turtles, horned baboon tarantulas and flying panthers must be kept securely under lock and key whilst on club premises.
Do not torment or tease the jungle fairies. They will bite and may also catapult their tormentors with tiny, but extremely potent, stink-berries. Please be warned that stink-berries smell worse than anything you can imagine, including unwashed feet, mouldy cheese, elephant poo and hippopotamus burps.
Jungle fairies must be allowed to join expedition picnics if they bring an offering of any of the following: elephant cakes, striped giraffe scones, or fizzy tiger punch from the Forbidden Jungle Tiger Temple.
Jungle fairy boats have right of way on the Tikki Zikki River under all circumstances, including when there are piranhas present.
Spears are to be pointed away from other club members at all times.
When travelling by elephant, explorers are kindly asked to supply their own bananas.
If and when confronted by an enraged hippopotamus, a Jungle Cat explorer must remain calm and act with haste to avoid any damage befalling the expedition boat (please note that the Jungle Navigation Company expects all boats to be returned to them in pristine condition).
