by Marci Bolden
“I know. Safety first. I’ve always preached it. And you were right. I couldn’t stomach it if something happened to one of our agents because of the budget. They are so much more important than that.”
He nodded. “We knew you’d feel that way; that’s why we moved forward with the new signs.”
“And the rest of the marketing has to reflect that to have the strongest impact. I know. You’re right.”
Grabbing the papers he’d been looking over, he held them out to her. “Dianna said you didn’t really look at this. Let’s do it now. I’ll explain what we’ve done, and you make whatever changes you feel are necessary. I didn’t sign off on the order for new marketing materials. You should do that.”
She pulled her lips between her teeth and bit them gently for a moment. “I want you to know that I trust you to take care of my company. I wasn’t trying to imply that I didn’t.”
“I know that.”
“I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate you. I know I don’t show it well, but I do.”
His smile widened. “You may think you’re complex, Annie O’Connell, but I’ve got your number. I know how your mind works.”
She scoffed. “I’m glad one of us does.”
He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and kissed her temple. “Are you okay? Really?”
“It was a rough day. Paul brought up some things I didn’t really want to talk about.”
“Such as?”
“Mom’s death. Dad’s drinking.” She sighed. “We went to the cemetery. I hadn’t been there in years.”
“How’d that go?”
“Oh, I cried. A lot.” She smiled sadly.
“That’s good.”
“Is it?”
He nodded. “You need to get it out. You can’t keep bottling all this up, honey. You’ll explode.”
“Yes, I should talk about what’s troubling me. Like you do.”
She cocked her brow at him, and he chuckled.
“Let’s not make this about me.”
“Paul said you didn’t reach out to him about your dreams. He didn’t know anything about them.”
“I never said I was going to reach out to Paul.”
“Did you reach out to anyone?”
He sighed loudly. “They’re getting better.”
“No, they’re not.”
“They are.”
“Marcus—”
“Don’t argue with me about what’s going on inside my head.”
She frowned at him. “You argue with me about what’s in my head all the time.”
“That’s because I can read your mind. Mine is still a mystery.”
She scoffed. “Right. You want to know why you are having nightmares?”
His heart started to race, and he shifted beside her. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Because you blame yourself for what happened to me.”
He sighed as he looked at her. “I just said I don’t want to talk about it.”
“It’s not your fault some stupid kid thought he’d try a life of crime.”
“Annie.”
“I got shot, Marcus, and there wasn’t a damn thing you could do about it.”
He closed his eyes and lowered his face. Damn, she really wasn’t going to let it go. “Do you want to look over the budget with me?”
“I want you to talk to me.”
He clenched his jaw and took a slow, deep breath. “Not about this.”
“Why is it okay for you to try to dig into my head, but as soon as I try to do the same to you, you shut me down?”
“I don’t shut you down.”
“You don’t touch me.”
Her words made him pause. “What?”
She licked her lips, and her cheeks turned red. “Before I got hurt, you were always touching me. You never touch me now.”
“Are you… You mean…”
The heavy exhale that escaped her let him know she wasn’t exactly comfortable either. “I thought it was just the sex. I thought…” She blinked as her already red and puffy eyes filled with tears. “I thought that you didn’t want me because…I’m not…because you…you weren’t attracted to me anymore.”
His heart ached. “Annie—”
“Paul thinks—”
“You talked to Paul about this?”
She frowned at him, and he clamped his mouth shut.
“He dragged it out of me. He thinks you can’t be intimate with me because of something that you are going through, not because of me. And I realized, because of your bullheadedness, you haven’t gotten over feeling guilty that I got hurt on your watch.”
He stared at her for several moments. Initially he wanted to tell her how silly this whole thing was, but then he realized she was right. He hadn’t been able to be intimate with her, but it wasn’t guilt. Not exactly.
“You were my backup, Marcus. You were the second agent on site to deter any would-be trouble. But our plan failed. We fooled ourselves into believing that we were safe in pairs. That’s not your fault. You aren’t to blame. And you have to find a way to accept that you couldn’t have stopped this. You couldn’t have prevented what happened to me. It is not your fault.”
Clasping his hands together, he looked at them and sighed. “It seems like whenever I let my guard down, whenever I stop moving, I see you lying dead on the floor. I can’t get that image out of my head. When we’re in bed and you try to get close to me, not just like that—anytime we get close, it makes me think how much I love you. And thinking about how much I love you reminds me how close I came to losing you, and this fear just… God, Annie, it’s so strong and so real and so deep. It consumes me.”
“You have to talk about it.”
“Talking about it doesn’t help, honey. It makes it worse. It makes it so much worse. The only thing that helps is this…” He grabbed the papers. “Doing something to help you. I know it makes you crazy that I’m constantly in your face, taking over and trying to make things better for you, but helping you is the only thing that makes me think of something besides your death.”
“I didn’t die, Marcus.”
He shook his head as the image of her on the floor hit him. “You were closer to death than anyone has any right to come back from, Annie.”
Gently stroking her hand over his head, she tilted a bit to see his face. “Hey. I didn’t die. I’m right here.”
Dropping the papers again, he rubbed his eyes. “I know. But you don’t understand. You’ll never understand. I was there. I saw you. I watched you fade away until you were just a body lying motionless on the floor. There was nothing inside of you. You were gone.”
“I’m here now, but in a way, I feel like that’s not enough. I feel like you are missing something that used to be here. I wish I could give that back to you, Marcus, but I can’t. I can’t be what I was before. I’m trying, but it’s just not working.”
“No.” Putting his arms around her, he kissed her head half a dozen times before putting his cheek to her head. “Don’t ever feel like that. Please don’t feel like that. This is my problem, Annie. It isn’t you. I swear it isn’t you.” He kissed her head again, and she chuckled. “What?”
“I should make you pay me a quarter every time you do that,” she said. “I’d be rich.”
“I can’t help it.”
Her smile faded. “I don’t remember getting shot. I don’t remember much about that day at all. But I remember we were happy. We were about to have everything we’d denied ourselves for so long. When I woke up, it took a long time to understand how much time had gone by. It felt like I’d just taken a nap. You know how you doze off when you don’t mean to, and when you wake up, you can’t believe hours have gone by? That’s how it felt but on a much larger scale. Then it took so long to get my strength back and get my head to start working somewhat right. When I did, I just wanted to jump right back into my life, and it’s taken me a while to realize I can’t do that. But the one thing I can do, t
hat never changed, was how much I love you and how much I want that life we said we were going to have. But I can’t have that, Marcus, if you push me away. And I don’t mean sex—please don’t think this is about sex. This is about the intimacy we had before that we don’t have now. We’re just living each day like it’s something to get through, one more obstacle to overcome. I feel like this is it. This is what we’ve got. No more jokes about running off to elope. No more Chinese food in bed. No more…anything. I need those things back because those things were us. That was who we were, but that’s not who we are now. I need something more in our lives than you taking care of me.”
He held himself together pretty well until she brought up the memory of eating in bed. He’d told her those were the moments that would make up their life. And she was right. Those moments were missing. Everything they were now was getting her through the day. Marcus swallowed hard, trying to control his emotions. “I get that. I do. You’re right. We’re still trying to find our footing, Annie.”
“No, you’re still bottling up your fears. You know I did that for most of my life. Just pushed my hurt away so I could move on and do what needed to be done. You know what happens when you do that for too long? You get cold. Aloof. And your employee has to sexually harass you to snap you out of it.”
He laughed quietly. “Well, I don’t have any employees. I guess I’m shit out of luck.”
She ran her hand over his back. “Please, Marcus. I am begging you. Get help. Reach out to someone. I don’t care who. Talk to someone before this completely destroys you.”
Inhaling slowly, he closed his eyes. “It was my job to protect you, Annie. I failed you. Never in my life have I failed someone as much as I failed you that day.”
“You didn’t fail me. You’ve never failed me.”
“I did.”
She pressed her cheek to his shoulder. “Do you remember that night after Paul’s wedding when we were talking on the couch? You said you could make me promises all night, but that didn’t make them true. I just had to trust you. The same applies here. I can sit here and tell you all night that this wasn’t your fault, but that won’t make you believe me. That kid brought the gun, Marcus. He chose to pull it out and aim it at me. Now, whether or not he meant to pull the trigger is irrelevant because he did. He shot me, and in a split second the damage was done, our lives were different. I can’t begin to imagine what you went through seeing me like that, but when you look at me now, I don’t want you to see that. I want you to see me. I want you to see that I love you. That I trust you and believe in you. That you never have and you never will fail me. I couldn’t have made it this far without you. Please believe that you haven’t failed me. I need you to find a way to forgive yourself for whatever you think you didn’t do. We can’t move on until you do. We can’t have our life until you do.”
Marcus closed his eyes. The image hit him. Annie shot. Annie bleeding. Annie dying. He choked on the emotion. She hugged him closer, whispered in his ear that she was right there. He tried to push the image from his mind, but it wouldn’t budge.
“Look at me,” she said softly. She put her hand to his cheek. “Marcus. Look at me.”
He swallowed hard as he met her gaze. The look in her eyes was concerned. Not blank. Not empty.
She was right there, and she was okay.
Pulling her against him, he hugged her tight and closed his eyes again. It took some effort, but instead of seeing her lying dead on the floor, he saw Annie smiling.
Chapter Seventeen
Sitting in the conference room staring at a screen wasn’t the same as being the lead agent of her business, but it was something. Annie had to put all her concentration into what she was doing, but the large touchscreen tablet let her drag images around and make flyers for the office. Sure, any one of the other staff members could do it faster, but she was contributing, and that was more than she had thought she’d be able to do weeks ago.
“How’s it going?” Mallory asked, coming into the room.
Annie finished adding the number of bedrooms to the house description she was working on before looking up. “Slow but steady. Just like your old mom.”
“Old?”
Annie chuckled, but she sensed her daughter had something else on her mind as she sat at the table. “What’s up, Mal?”
“The company from California called. The position they’d hired me for just came open again. The guy they replaced me with didn’t work out. They asked if I was ready to come out now.”
“And you told them yes.”
“I told them I’d think about it.”
“Do it, Mallory. Go. It’s what you want.”
She stared at Annie for a few seconds. “It was. I don’t know if I want it now, Mom. I’ve kind of settled in here. I was just starting to think that you’re improved enough that you don’t need me living there with you and Marcus. You can be on your own more.”
“All the more reason you should go.”
“No, all the more reason I should buy a house of my own. In Stonehill. Close enough that I’m here, but far enough that you and Marcus can have your privacy.”
Annie shook her head. “No. Listen to me. I love you. I love that you want to be here, but I’m fine, Mallory. I’m still getting better. You can go to California without worrying about me. And listen,” she said before Mal could argue. “If you go and you hate it, you come home and you pick right up where you left off. I’ll never tell you that you can’t come back here. O’Connell Realty isn’t going anywhere. Marcus is seeing to that.”
Mallory sighed. “The last time I tried to move away, you got shot.”
“Well”—Annie shrugged—“maybe this time I’ll just get the flu.”
They both smiled, but Mallory’s didn’t last long.
“I feel badly leaving you, Mom.”
Annie shook her head. “You know what I hate more than all the pity I get? The guilt. You are allowed to live your life. I want you to live your life. I want to live my life. I want us all to start living again.”
“I can put off starting until after Thanksgiving, but I’d be gone before Christmas.”
Annie smiled. “Maybe Marcus and I will come to you? That’d be fun.”
“It would be fun.” Her grin widened. “Remember when you said maybe you’d come to San Diego to elope? A Christmas wedding in California would be lovely.”
She laughed. “I don’t know that we’re quite ready for that, but maybe someday.”
“I’m glad you guys are doing better.”
“I didn’t realize we were doing badly.”
“Come on, Mom. Up until a few days ago, you were more like friends than a couple.”
Annie nodded. “He had some guilt, and I had some insecurities. I think we’re moving past them. I hope we are.”
“Well, once I’m gone, that should help.”
“You aren’t in the way, Mallory. You’ve been wonderful.”
“Yeah. Except when I’m trying to feed you.”
They both laughed.
“I put you to work,” Marcus said, coming into the conference room, “and here you are goofing off with our girl.”
Annie smiled up at him. She no longer felt put out by him calling Mallory their girl. How could she be when it always made Mal smile? To be honest, knowing Marcus cared so much about her daughter made Annie smile, too. They really had started to feel like a family.
“Has she told you the big news, or did I actually get to hear it first this time?” Annie asked.
“You heard it first,” Mallory said. She looked at Marcus and took a deep breath. “California is calling. They’ve offered me a position again.”
“Well, you must have really wowed them, kid.”
“She is my daughter,” Annie said.
“When do you leave?”
“After Thanksgiving. But you and Mom are coming out for a visit as soon as I get settled.” She stood and hugged Marcus then came around the table and hugged Annie. “
I’m going to go call them and set a start date. Thanks, Mom.”
“I’m proud of you, Mal.” When they were alone, Annie smiled at Marcus. “Sorry. I committed you to a trip to California without asking.”
He shook his head as he leaned down and kissed hers. “I wouldn’t miss it. We’ll have to plan it in advance, though. We don’t want to wait until the last minute to fly out, and we should go in the middle of the week. It will be mayhem at the airport on a weekend.”
She sighed. “I’m not going to lie. I’m a little scared at the thought of flying. All the lights and the people. I think it would be overwhelming for me. I’m afraid I’d freeze.”
“So we drive.”
“In the winter?”
“Whatever it takes.” Sitting next to her, he ran his hand over her back. “Show me what you’ve done here.”
She frowned as she looked at the tablet. “Not much, but I’ll get the hang of it.” She swiped the screen and showed him the flyer she was putting together. It wasn’t overly impressive in the scheme of things, but considering how much effort she’d had to put into it, she was pretty proud of herself.
He brushed her bangs from her forehead. “Good job, sweetheart. You’ll get better at this the more you do it. Once you get the hang of this, we’ll see what else we can dump on you…I mean, have you help with.” He winked at her. “I’ve been thinking about something. You were right. When you said I needed to reach out to someone. I’m going to have lunch with Paul and Matt. I hadn’t wanted to burden them with this, but I’m not sure anyone else will fully understand. They’ve been with me through this whole thing. They felt the same fears. They’ll get it.”
She put her hand on his face. “Thank you. Maybe I can stop worrying about you so much now.”
He put his hand over hers and turned his face to kiss her palm. “Why are you worrying about me? Hmm?”
“Because you aren’t as tough as you try to be.”
He sat back and widened his eyes, playfully shocked. “Oh, is that so?”
