by Duncan Ball
Selby Snowbound
Duncan Ball
Dedication
For Jillaroo
My bulwark, my ramparts and often my keep.
AUTHOR’S NOTE
These are Selby’s stories, not mine. They’re all things that happened to him. He later rang me up and told them to me and I retold them as best I could.
As you probably know, Selby’s real name isn’t Selby and his owners aren’t really called Dr and Mrs Trifle and the town he lives in isn’t called Bogusville. He made all those things up so no one can find him. Because he’s the only talking dog in Australia and, perhaps, the world, he knows that if people knew where he lived it would ruin his life forever. He won’t even tell me his real name or where he lives.
You may think that he’s really a person and he only tells me on the telephone that he’s a dog. But it’s not true — I actually met him and we even had dinner together in a restaurant. Of course he didn’t want to give away his secret so he wore a disguise: a dog suit. The other people in the restaurant thought that he was a person wearing a dog suit (which isn’t that unusual) but, of course, he was really a talking dog in a dog suit.
How could I be sure it was him? Once, during the meal, he reached for the salt and suddenly the glove part of the dog suit separated slightly from the sleeve part — and guess what? Fur! A furry dog leg inside the dog suit. Oh yes, it was him all right.
As he munched his way through three platters of peanut prawns, he told me more stories about himself. Some of them are in this book. I hope you like them.
CONTENTS
COVER
TITLE PAGE
DEDICATION
AUTHOR’S NOTE
SLOW PUP
NURSE SELBY
SELBY LOVESTRUCK
SELBY SUPER-SELLER
THE PADDLE-PUP
SELBY’S SURPRISE
SELBY HOUSE BOUND
DR TRIFLE’S WAR OF WORDS
THE DAPPER DOG
SELBY’S STATUE
THE SKY EYE SPY
SELBY’S SALSA
SELBY SLUGS AUNT JETTY
SELBY SNOWBOUND
THE TOY BOAT
WRONG-HEADED LUKE
CLIMATE
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
BY THE SAME AUTHOR
READ MORE IN THIS SERIES
COPYRIGHT
Slow Pup
NURSE SELBY
‘I’m sorry, Selby, but you’ll have to stay right here,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘They don’t allow dogs in hospitals. But don’t worry, I won’t be long.’
Selby watched as Mrs Trifle went inside to inspect the new wing of Bogusville Hospital.
‘It’s not fair,’ he thought. ‘Why can’t I go in too? I watch all those hospital shows on TV but I’ve never been inside a real live hospital. I’m sooooo curious. Curiosity is about to kill this dog.’
Selby curled up under a park bench. Next to him was an old copy of the Bogusville Banner that he’d found. He began secretly reading it for something to do.
‘This is silly. I’m going to go in there anyway. Seeing me will be good for the patients. Pets cheer people up and sick people need cheering up. Anyway, what can happen if I get caught? They’ll only kick me out, that’s all. I’m out right now so if they catch me I’ll be right back where I am.
‘Hmmm,’ Selby hmmmed. ‘I wonder how I can sneak in?’
Suddenly an ambulance with its siren screaming tore up to the door marked CASUALTY and screeched to a stop.
‘This is my chance,’ Selby thought as the ambulance attendants wheeled the patient through the door. ‘While they’re busy I’ll just nip through the door and no one will notice.’
Selby crept around the bushes beside the hospital wall and then trotted in through the open door.
‘So far, so good,’ he thought as he rounded the corner into a ward. ‘Now for a look at a real hospital. It certainly does look like the ones on TV.’
Selby trotted around looking at all the people in the beds. A man in a wheelchair stopped in the corridor and gave him a pat and a little girl climbed out of bed to give him a cuddle.
‘Oh, that’s nice,’ he thought. ‘And it’s good for me too. It makes me feel wanted. Everyone likes to feel wanted — and so does everydog.’
Selby went along from room to room looking at everything. Until suddenly he saw Mrs Trifle coming towards him. She was walking down through a ward with a group of doctors and nurses.
‘Ooops!’ he thought, ducking into a storeroom. ‘I’ll just hide in here till they go by.’
Selby waited for a minute until he noticed another door at the back of the storeroom with a round window in it.
‘Maybe I can nip out that way,’ he thought. ‘I wonder where it goes.’
Selby put his paws up on the door and peered through the glass.
‘It’s an operating theatre!’ Selby thought. ‘This is great! And look they’re actually operating on someone in there. Oh wow, now I can see a real operation!’
Selby watched as a surgeon gave last minute instructions to her operating team.
‘Maybe if I just open the door a little I can hear what she’s saying,’ Selby thought, pushing the door open a crack.
‘As you know, the patient has lost all function in his left orbital glandula solletico — or tickle gland, as we know it, ‘the surgeon said. ‘Tickle him under the left arm and nothing happens. Today we are going to attempt the impossible — we’re going to make him ticklish again. If this operation works, Bogusville Hospital could become the worldwide centre for tickle research. The patient is now unconscious so let’s get started.’
‘Oh, boy!’ Selby thought as the surgeon started cutting into the patient. ‘I wish I could get closer. I can’t see properly.’
Suddenly Selby spied a stack of operating theatre gowns hanging on hooks beside him.
‘I’ll just slip into one of these, ‘he said, putting one on. ‘And now one of those little round caps that I can pull down over my ears, and an operating theatre mask, and then some gloves to cover my paws.’
In a second Selby had his cap pulled down so low and his mask pulled up so high that the only part of his face you could see was his eyes. Quietly he pushed the door open and walked on his hind legs into the operating theatre.
‘This is so much fun! They’re so busy they won’t notice me,’ Selby thought as, one by one, each of the surgeon’s helpers held clamps inside the patient and pulled tubes this way and that. ‘If I squint a bit the blood and gore won’t bother me.’
Suddenly the surgeon turned to Selby. ‘You’re just in time, nurse, ‘she said. ‘We’re a little short-handed today. Could you pass me the Dweeb-Meyer Impaling Key, please?’
‘I beg your pardon?’ Selby said out loud without thinking.
‘Just hand me the Dweeb-Meyer.’
Selby looked at the instruments all laid out in a row on a tray.
‘Quickly, nurse, ‘the surgeon said. ‘The patient’s pulse is dropping. We don’t want to lose him.’
Selby reached down and picked up something that looked like a large corkscrew and handed it to the surgeon.
‘No, no, not the Thurthmail Extractor! I said the Dweeb … Hang on a tick. You’re right! If I use the Thurthmail I can go up through the osso isterico — the funny bone. Good thinking, nurse.’
‘Oh, no!’ Selby thought as the surgeon went to work twisting the corkscrew-like instrument into the patient’s elbow. ‘I’ve got to get out of here before I faint!’
‘Capitulatory Ventriculator!’ the surgeon said, holding out her hand.
‘Sorry?’ Selby said.
‘Nurse, could you please hand me the Capitulatory Ventriculator and make it snappy!�
�
Selby picked up an instrument that looked like a baby’s rattle and handed it to the surgeon.
‘Nurse, don’t you know the difference between a Capitulatory Ventriculator and a Bradwell Bone Splinterer?’ the surgeon demanded.
‘Well yes, but —’ Selby started.
‘Ahah!’ the surgeon said as her eyes lit up. ‘So you’re saying that I should splinter instead of ventriculating. Maybe you’re right. Okay, here goes.’
Selby edged towards the door.
‘Oh, no!’ Selby thought. ‘Now she’s going to splinter when she should be ventriculating — and all because of me! She thinks I’m a real operating theatre nurse! She thinks I know what I’m talking about! Get me out of here!’
‘The Freebuschram, please, ‘the surgeon said. ‘Come on now, nurse, the patient is waking up.’
Selby grabbed something that looked like a gardening trowel on one end and a toilet plunger on the other. The surgeon stood there in shock for a second and then her eyes brightened.
‘Good thinking!’ she cried, snatching the instrument from Selby’s paw. ‘The Fingaloose is a much better choice than a Freebuschram. What’s your name, sister?’
‘I — I — I,’ Selby stammered.
‘Come on, don’t be shy.’
‘Sel —’ Selby started. ‘Selina.’
‘Well, Selina, you certainly have a lot of surgical experience, ‘the surgeon said as she finished with the Fingaloose and stitched up the patient. ‘By the way, have you ever thought of fixing that honker?’
‘That what?’
‘That nose of yours. I could give you a real movie star’s nose if you wanted. And I could also get rid of that facial hair around your eyes. You are a bit furry, if you don’t mind my saying so.’
‘No, thanks anyway,’ Selby said, backing towards the door,’ but my fur is my best feature.’
‘Well, suit yourself. But if you ever change your mind —’
‘Doctor!’ one of the nurses exclaimed. ‘The patient is coming to.’
‘Oh, good,’ said the surgeon. ‘Let’s give him the tickle test and see how we’ve done. Go ahead, give him a little tiddly diddly under the arm.’
Selby slipped out of the operating theatre and listened to the patient’s screams of laughter. In a minute Selby was out of his gown, out of the hospital, and lying innocently under the bench once again.
‘Boy, I’m glad that’s over,’ he thought as he waited for Mrs Trifle. ‘It was great to see a real operation but it was also a very close call for me. I won’t be doing that again soon. I guess you’d say that the whole thing was a very ticklish operation!’
Paw note: This exclamation mark has a comma at the bottom so you can use it in the middle of a sentence. It’s my new invention.
S
SELBY LOVESTRUCK
Selby was madly in love.
It all began when the Trifles left Selby at home when they went on holidays. Of course they didn’t know that he was the only talking dog in Australia and, perhaps, the world, and that he could look after himself when they were away. So they asked Aunt Jetty to drop around to fill Selby’s bowl with Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits from time to time.
Selby spent his days reading, playing with the computer and watching lots and lots of TV. All of which would have been perfectly wonderful if Selby hadn’t fallen madly in love with a beautiful actress called Bonnie Blake.
Bonnie was the incredibly talented and beautiful mega TV soapie star of a series called Restless Hearts Aflame. But the day Selby fell in love he was watching her being interviewed on another show called Your Lucky Stars.
‘She’s such a wonderful actress,’ Selby sighed. ‘And she’s soooooooooooo beautiful! Just looking at her makes my little heart go pitter-patter-pitter-pat. And when she speaks she’s so sweet that I just want to faint.’
‘Tell me, Miss Blake —’ the interviewer began.
‘Please call me Bonnie, ‘the actress interrupted. ‘I’m no one special. I’m really just a normal average girl-next-door.’
‘Oh, how I wish she was the girl next door to me!’ Selby squealed.
‘Well then, Bonnie. May I ask you some personal questions?’
‘Nothing is too personal. I’m an actress and I belong to the world, ‘Bonnie said. ‘I suppose you want to talk about my break-up with Todd Delvane?’
‘Yes. What went wrong between you and Todd?’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ Bonnie sighed. ‘He was an actor, too, you know. I think he became jealous of my fame. That’s when — I don’t know how to say this because Todd is such a dear sweet person — but that’s when his life went out of control.’
‘Was he cruel to you?’
‘Yes. I finally had to ask him to leave.’
‘If I ever see that Todd guy,’ Selby thought, ‘I’ll bite him into next week! How could he be cruel to such a wonderful sensitive person?’
‘He was your sixth husband, is that right?’ the interviewer asked.
‘I don’t know — I guess so.’
‘And you have had six husbands in only five years.’
‘They were all very nice men,’ Bonnie said. ‘But none of them could handle my fame. It’s been a difficult time. Then I lost Tiddles.’
‘Tiddles? Was he a — friend?’
‘He was my dog.’
‘And you never found him?’
‘No, I don’t mean that sort of lost. Tiddles fell off the balcony of my apartment.’
‘Was it a long way down?’
‘Yes. I live on the thirty-fourth floor.’
‘So he’s —’
‘Dead,’ Bonnie sniffed.
Tears formed in Bonnie’s eyes and in Selby’s at the same time.
‘I didn’t buy him,’ she added. ‘He just came into my life. It was fate. I was taking my evening walk by the beach and there he was, lost and hungry. I took him home and tried to find his owners but I couldn’t. He must have lost his collar. That little dog became the most loving friend I’ve ever had.’
‘Oh, how I’d love to be Bonnie’s loving dog-friend,’ Selby thought. The tears now streamed down his face. ‘I mean I love the Trifles but they’re like parents to me. What I need is someone like Bonnie. Oh, how I wish I could marry her and live happily ever after.’
‘Tiddles meant so much to me that — I know this will sound stupid — but I wish I could have married him.’
‘I don’t think they let people marry dogs,’ the interviewer said.
‘I know, but if I could find a dog that could talk, he would be my dream companion. There would be no silly career jealousies or competing with each other.’
‘If you had a talking dog I’m afraid he’d get much more attention than you,’ the interviewer laughed. ‘He’d be on the news all over the world every day. You’d have reporters camped on your doorstep. You’d never get any peace.’
‘You’re right,’ Bonnie sighed. ‘What I really want is a dog who can talk but who keeps it a secret from everyone but me.’
‘If I ever hear of one, I’ll tell you,’ the interviewer laughed.
‘Yes, I know it’s an impossible dream but that’s where my heart is right now.’
‘You mean a possible dream!’ Selby shouted at the TV. ‘And I am your dream dog! Oh, lucky me! I’ve just found my dream companion! Now all I have to do is ring her up and tell her that I’m a talking dog and that I’m in love with her. Hmmm, let’s see now, she lives in one of those high-rise apartments at Bandicoot Bay. I’ll see if she’s in the phone book. But, hold the show! She won’t believe that I’m a dog. The only way to do this is to go there so that she can see that I’m a real live talking feeling dog.’
And so it was that Selby crept into the luggage compartment of a Bandicoot Bay-bound bus and bounced around all night till the bus reached the Bay.
‘Now to find Bonnie’s apartment,’ Selby thought as he looked at the photos he’d torn from a fan magazine. ‘Ahah! There it is: the apartment block with the
pink flamingo painted on the side. This is going to be easy.’
Selby raced along the footpath to the front door but, as he entered, a man in a doorman’s suit came rushing toward him.
‘Where do you think you’re going?!’ the man yelled.
Selby turned and ran out again, feeling the doorman’s boot hit his bottom as he did.
Soon the sun set and a cold rain began to fall. Selby was now too weak and exhausted to even think of catching the bus back.
‘Why did I come here?’ he thought. ‘I should have known that a mega TV soapie star would have a doorman to keep undesirables — and dogs — away. This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. I’ll just have a snooze and then catch the bus to Bogusville in the morning. ‘
Selby lay down. He felt the hard ground under him. He trembled all over and hunger pangs gripped his stomach. He drifted in and out of a dream.
Suddenly a hand reached out and touched him.
‘Oh, you poor dear. Are you all right?’ a sweet voice asked. ‘How did you get here? What’s wrong? Are you okay? You look hungry and tired and cold. Let me take you home with me.’
Selby turned his tired head to one side. It was her! Bonnie Blake! And she was putting her coat around him and lifting him into her arms.
The next thing Selby knew he was in Bonnie’s apartment.
‘Oh, you poor dear,’ she said again, putting a plate of real people-food in front of him. ‘Here, eat this. I’ll run a good hot bath for you. Oh, what a wonderful little guy you are.’
‘This is it!’ Selby thought. ‘This is my big chance! I have to talk to her!’
And so it was that Selby finally said the near-fatal words: ‘Bonnie, I think I love you.’
‘You — you — what?!’ the startled star said. ‘Did you just speak?’
‘Yes, I did, Bonnie.’
‘But dogs can’t speak!’
‘I am the only talking dog in Australia and, perhaps, the world.’
‘B-But how did you learn to talk?’
‘It just happened. I was watching TV and suddenly I could understand everything. Then I taught myself to talk.’
