by Duncan Ball
‘The ultimate adventure?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Doesn’t ultimate mean last?’
‘It also means the best. This is going to be the greatest adventure ever!’
‘That sounds great but when would we go?’
‘How about Wednesday?’
‘So soon?’
‘My TV program about crossing Antarctica is about to be on TV and when people see Mount Crampon there’ll be mountaineers from all over the world racing down there to be the first to climb it.’
‘Mount Crampon?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘You’ve named it after yourself.’
‘Well, not yet. To get a mountain named after you you have to be the first person to climb it and then you leave your name at the top. It’s an old tradition.’
With this Crampy Crampon whipped a flag out of his pocket that said:
‘Oh, and bring Selby along,’ Crampy added. ‘Dogs are good luck on expeditions. I’m sure he’ll like it.’
‘Like it? I’ll love it!’ Selby screamed in his brain. ‘Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! I get to go on a real live Antarctic expedition! Look out icebergs! Look out penguins! Look out mountains! Here I come!’
So it was that on the following Wednesday, Crampy Crampon, Dr and Mrs Trifle, and Selby found themselves winging their way towards Antarctica in Crampy’s own personal ski-plane with the mountaineer at the controls.
‘The race is on,’ Crampy said. ‘Everybody saw my TV show last night and now hundreds of mountaineers are planning to go to Antarctica and climb Mount Crampon. Fortunately, they don’t know exactly where it is so we’ll have a good head start.’
Selby sat covered from head to paw in the special mountaineers’ cold weather clothes that Mrs Trifle had made for him.
‘This is sooooo exciting!’ Selby thought. ‘Look at all that snow down there! I can’t wait to make a snowdog!’
The plane flew deep into Antarctica and slid to a stop high up on a glacier just below the peak of the mammoth mountain.
‘Okay,’ Crampy said as he started off, ‘you stay with the plane. You can measure the mountain while I climb it.’
‘Okay, Crampy,’ Dr Trifle said.
‘And if it gets windy while I’m gone don’t forget to tie the plane down. Oh and look out for crevasses.’
‘Crevasses?’ Dr Trifle said.
‘Yes, those big deep cracks in a glacier. First rule of mountaineering: don’t fall in one. Okay, guys, I’ll see ya when I see ya.’
Crampy Crampon climbed up and up and for the first hour, Dr Trifle pointed a measuring telescope at the top of the mountain and then down to the valley below. Then he made lots of trigono-something calculations.
‘I’m afraid Crampy is going to be bitterly disappointed,’ Dr Trifle said finally as he blew on his hands to warm them up. ‘The mountain isn’t as high as Mount Everest. It’s just a tad shorter.’
‘Exactly how much of a tad shorter is it?’ Mrs Trifle asked.
‘Well not even a tad — a tiny fraction of a tad. If my calculations are correct Mount Everest is just forty-three centimetres taller than Mount Crampon.’
‘That’s too bad,’ Selby thought. ‘Oh, well, at least Crampy will be the first to climb the second highest mountain in the world.’
All day long the Trifles watched the mountaineer through binoculars as he climbed up and up the steep slope. But then, just as Crampy was nearing the top, a wind came up. Within minutes the whole mountain had disappeared in clouds of blowing snow.
‘I think we’d better tie the plane down before the wind hits us too,’ Mrs Trifle said, grabbing some spikes and ropes.
Selby watched from inside the tiny plane as the Trifles struggled against the freezing wind, tying more and more ropes to the plane to keep it from blowing away.
‘There are times when it’s good to be a dog,’ he thought. ‘And one of those times is when there’s freezing cold work to do.’
Suddenly there was a crackle on the radio.
‘Help! Can anyone hear me?’ Crampy’s voice cried. There was a long pause and then: ‘I didn’t make it to the top and now the wind just blew my goggles away and my eyes are icing up! I can’t see a thing! This could be the last time you hear from me! Goodbye, good Trifles! Goodbye!’
‘Oh, no! What am I going to do?!’ Selby said aloud. ‘I’ve got to tell the Trifles! But what can they do?! They’re not mountaineers any more than I am. And without Crampy we’re doomed! We need him to fly the plane.’
Selby looked out just in time to see a gust of wind blow Dr and Mrs Trifle end over end across the glacier. In a second they’d disappeared.
‘This is a disaster!’ Selby cried. ‘I need to save Dr and Mrs Trifle but I can’t go out there or I’ll be blown away too.’
Minutes passed and then Selby suddenly spied Crampy Crampon’s copy of The Mountaineer’s Rescue Manual. His eyes scanned the pages desperately looking for something — anything — that might help.
‘This is stupid,’ he thought, finally. ‘I can’t just sit here reading a book. I’ve got to get out there and see if I can find the Trifles. I only wish I was more of a rescuing type of dog instead of a sitting around and watching TV one. Oh well, here goes.’
Selby put on his thick gloves and goggles and pulled his hood down tight around his face. He grabbed a rope and tied it to the seat of the plane and climbed out. The blast of wind almost blew him away but he clung tight to the rope and, little by little, let it out until he was well behind the plane. Soon he came to a shallow crevasse and, looking down, he saw the Trifles lying motionless at the bottom.
Selby threw a special mountaineer’s ladder into the crevasse and climbed down.
‘The Trifles are alive!’ he thought as he could see they were still breathing. ‘But the fall must have knocked them out. I can’t possibly lift them so I’ll have to wake them up and get them to climb out.’
Selby shook them and watched as they slowly opened their eyes.
‘Where am I?’ Mrs Trifle said suddenly.
‘I don’t know,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘We seem to be lying on the ground somewhere. There’s ice and snow all around. I don’t think we’re in Bogusville.’
Selby cleared his throat and said: ‘Okay, guys. You’ve got to get out of here before you freeze to death, okay?’
‘I beg your pardon?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Selby, did you just speak?’
‘Yes, I did. Now just see if you can get to your feet and —’
‘When did you learn to talk?’ Dr Trifle interrupted.
‘A long time ago,’ Selby said. ‘Now come on —’
‘Exactly how did you learn to talk?’
‘I was just watching TV with you and suddenly I could understand everything that was being said,’ Selby said. ‘But never mind about that —’
‘Then you’ve been listening to our conversations for years,’ Mrs Trifle said, struggling to her feet. ‘You’ve heard all of our most private conversations — all those embarrassing things.’
‘I tried not to listen,’ Selby said.
‘But why didn’t you tell us sooner?’ Dr Trifle said.
Selby felt himself getting impatient.
‘Never mind! Now get to your feet, you two, and climb out of here and get back in the plane! That’s an order!’
Slowly the dumbfounded Trifles climbed up the ladder and struggled back to the plane just as the wind died down again.
‘Okay, now, you stay right here while I see if I can rescue Crampy,’ Selby said. ‘He’s lost his goggles and he’s freezing to death.’
‘B-B-But he’s way up on the mountain,’ Dr Trifle protested.
‘And you’re only a dog,’ Mrs Trifle reminded him.
‘I know that,’ said Selby, ‘but someone’s got to rescue him and you’re in no shape to do it. So while the weather is good, I’ll just have to give it a go. Wish me luck,’ Selby said before closing the door to the plane and heading off.
Selby fought his way up the peak. Finally he saw a red dot lying in the s
now just below the highest point on the mountain. Another hour passed until he reached the half-frozen figure of the mountaineer.
‘Okay,’ Selby said, brushing the snow off the mountaineer’s face. ‘Let’s make this easy on both of us. I’m Selby. I’m also a talking dog — and never mind how I learned to talk or any of that guff. You’re a mountain-climber who needs help. So I’m here to rescue you. Got it?’
Crampy opened his eyes and stared up at Selby. A sudden smile spread across his face.
‘Mountain madness,’ he muttered.
‘I beg your pardon?’
‘I’ve got mountain madness. This is what happens to mountaineers when they get stuck out in the cold for too long. They start seeing talking dogs.’
‘Have it your way,’ Selby said. ‘Can you walk?’
Crampy struggled to his feet and then fell on his face.
‘Well I guess that answers that,’ Selby said. ‘Okay, now I’m going to put a rope around you and pull you back down, okay?’
‘But I didn’t get to the top yet,’ Crampy protested. ‘It’s just up there — a couple of metres more.’
‘Forget it,’ Selby said. ‘We’re getting out of here. Anyway, Dr Trifle says it’s shorter than Mount Everest.’
‘Oh bum,’ said the disappointed climber.
Selby got out a length of rope, tied it around Crampy, and began pulling the man. But just then, the full force of the storm hit.
‘Careful!’ Crampy yelled. ‘Don’t go down right there — there’s a cliff. Better go up over that hump up ahead and then go down.’
‘Right you are,’ Selby said pulling Crampy uphill, helped by a blast of wind.
‘I’ve got to stop,’ the exhausted Selby said finally. ‘I once saw a TV show about Eskimos making igloos. Let’s see if I can remember what they did.’
Selby got a knife out of Crampy’s backpack and quickly cut some slabs of hard snow. He made them into an igloo around Crampy. Then he climbed in and sealed up the doorway.
‘You’re very clever — for a dog,’ Crampy said. ‘I don’t think I’ve met a dog quite like you.’
‘No, you wouldn’t have,’ Selby said, still panting.
‘It’s a pity that you’re only in my imagination. The real Selby is back at the plane with the Trifles. He can’t talk, of course.’
‘Of course not,’ Selby agreed.
‘But don’t be offended,’ Crampy said. ‘You’re still good company.’
‘Thanks, so are you.’
‘You do know that if this storm keeps up we’ll freeze to death?’
‘I know,’ Selby sighed. ‘Then it really will be our ultimate adventure.’
Crampy thought for a moment and then burst into laughter.
‘And you’ve got a great sense of humour, too. I like that in a dog.’
The hours rolled by until the sun set but the storm raged on. Selby got colder and colder until he could hardly think. Then, sometime in the early morning he had a terrible thought.
‘What if we freeze to death (sniff) and they come looking for our frozen bodies and they can’t even find us under the snow?’ he thought. ‘I’ve got to put a marker out.’
The only thing Selby could find to write on was Crampy’s flag. So underneath the words ‘Mount Crampon'’, Selby scribbled:
He struggled out of the igloo and planted the flag in the snow. He then went back inside, sealed up the doorway again, and waited for the cold to put an end to his short life.
But no sooner had he done this than there was a sudden break in the weather. Selby pushed his way outside again and looked around.
‘Goodness me!’ he exclaimed. ‘I made the igloo at the worst possible place — we’re right on the top of the mountain! And, look! I can see the plane way down there on the glacier. Quick, Crampy! Wake up! We’re getting out of here — now!’
Selby dragged the unconscious mountaineer out of the igloo and started pulling him on the snow down the slope. The slope got steeper and steeper and, suddenly, Selby and Crampy were sliding out of control down the mountain.
‘Oh, no!’ Selby screamed. ‘All this work to save ourselves and now we’re going to be killed!’
Over and over the two bounced and slid their way down the slope until they came to a stop at the aeroplane.
‘I’ve got to get into the plane and w-w-w-warm up. I’m f-f-f-f-freezing!’ Selby thought as he opened the door and crawled into the back behind the sleeping Trifles. He awoke a short time later to the sound of voices.
‘Poor Selby,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘He was such a good dog.’
‘Yes,’ sniffed Dr Trifle. ‘And now he’s lost forever up there on that stupid mountain. I only wish we’d known he could talk. We could have given him a much better life.’
‘Yes, by making him work,’ Mrs Trifle said.
‘He could have done the cleaning,’ Dr Trifle said, ‘and the laundry and the ironing and the cooking and washing up. He could have washed the windows and made all the beds every day.’
‘Yes, we could have given him a purpose. He could have felt really useful. He could have been our dogsbody. Instead he was probably lying around feeling guilty all the time for not helping out.’
‘Guilty, schmilty,’ thought Selby. ‘I save their lives and now all they can think about is ruining mine!’
Suddenly the plane door opened and Crampy was standing there.
‘Crampy!’ Mrs Trifle exclaimed. ‘Where did you come from?’
‘I — I don’t know. I think I fell off the mountain. I don’t remember much. Would you believe that I actually thought that Selby came up to rescue me and he talked to me?’ Crampy laughed.
‘It’s true!’ Dr Trifle exclaimed. ‘He talked to us too.’
Crampy let out a long laugh.
‘You mean you think he did,’ Crampy said. ‘I’m afraid that you had mountain madness, too.’
‘You mean he didn’t talk to us?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘But it seemed so real.’
‘It always does,’ said Crampy. ‘See, there he is sleeping in the back of the plane.’
‘Why so he is. He must have been here all along,’ Dr Trifle said.
‘By the way, did you measure the mountain?’
‘Yes, I’m sorry but it’s slightly shorter than Mount Everest.’
‘Would you do me a favour?’ Crampy said. ‘Could you measure it again. You might have just thought you measured it.’
Dr Trifle made some more measurements and then did his calculations again.
‘Well I’ll be,’ he said. ‘It really is higher than Everest. And I can just barely make out your flag up there. That’s funny, I didn’t notice that roundy bit on top of the peak before. I thought it was more pointy than roundy.’
‘I guess my igloo is now part of the mountain,’ Selby thought, ‘which is just tall enough to make the mountain the highest one in the world.’
‘Okay, let’s get out of here before another storm hits,’ Crampy said, jumping into the plane and starting the engine. ‘I don’t know about you but even Bogusville seems a nice place to me right now.’
‘Not just a nice place,’ Selby thought. ‘But the nicest place in the whole world.’
But that’s not the end of the story. When Selby and Crampy and the Trifles got back, their story was flashed around the world on TV, radio and in the newspapers. Of course Selby lived in fear that someone would climb the mountain again and find his note on Crampy’s flag and then the world would know that Selby’s talking wasn’t mountain madness after all. And soon some climbers did get to the top and the name of the mountain was entered into the Official Mountain Registry — but not as Mount Crampon.
The expedition found the flag right where Selby had put it: on top of the igloo, on the top of the mountain. But the wind had ripped it so badly that most of Selby’s writing was gone. There were only two strips of cloth left. They said:
‘Isn’t that a scream?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Crampy must have changed the flag and named it af
ter Selby when he had mountain madness.’
‘I can’t believe it!’ Selby thought. ‘Of course I am the one who made it the highest mountain in the world so I guess I deserve having it named after me. But I wish I’d written Mount Trifle on that flag. They’re the ones who really deserve it. Oh well, I guess I can live with it.’
Paw note: A dogsbody is someone who does someone else’s dirty work.
S
The Toy Boat
I found a little wooden boat
But then I found it wouldn’t float.
I said, ‘Toy boat toy boat toy boat
Why won’t you float toy boat toy boat?’
‘Hang on!’ I thought, ‘You silly goat!
This needs some water first to float!’
Faster Toy boat toy boat
toy boat toy boat Toy boat toy boat toy boat.
I jumped into my overcoat
And dived into a castle moat.
I hoped and prayed my boat would float.
‘My boat!’ I cried. ‘Please float please float.’
Even faster Toy boat toy boat toy boat toy boat
Toy boat toy boat toy boat.
Which it did. Perfectly. No worries.
So if you want your boat to float
Just quickly quote this rhyme by rote:
Very very fast Toy boat toy boat toy boat
Toy boat toy boat toy boat Toy boat
toy boat toy boat toy boat
Toy boat toy boat toy boat!
Wrong-headed Luke
A boy named Luke in my home town
Can put his head on upside-down.
His mouth is up, his eyes are down
His happy smile becomes a frown.
And if you think that isn’t weird
His spiky hair’s a short black beard.
He puts his hat upon his chin
And when it rains his nose drips in.
As you’d expect this makes him wheeze
And cough and snort and even sneeze.
He blows his nose and up it goes
Like water from a garden hose.
